Is it normal for some FWS to not be very considerate of their BS? I am getting to the point of being fed up with my H's lack of remorse and consideration for his A.
We both had A's and I feel like I am always very cautious of my H's feelings and asking him if he is comfortable with me doing things. I recently wanted to change my schedule and that would give me more days off. He said he was not OK with it, so I did not do it. I do not do anything outside of of our normal routine without getting his OK first.
Recently, H decided he needed a weekend away at his mother's. It came out of the blue and scared me that he may be cheating again. He did not consider that I may be wondering whether OW was back in the pic as he and I had not had a fight. But, he wanted to go and he told me today that he would have gone even if I had said I was not comfortable with it.
He has always resisted extraordinary precautions saying,"I do not have to like them," even though he regularly spies on me (which I have no issue with). I feel I deserve every bit of mistrust and I will have to earn the trust back. I am trying to do so.
One of my triggers is him getting off late as he used to talk to OW after work. He thinks it is "ridiculous" that I want him to come home as soon as he gets off as he works in a "business environment and nobody leaves exactly on time". For some months, he did get off on time because he was "trying to respect my feelings," but threw it in my face a few times and has recently been getting off later again. So, if he got off on time before out of respect for my feelings, what is he doing now that he is not leaving on time anymore?
There is a golf game coming up with his co-workers, this Friday night, with a dinner to follow. He and OW still work together and she may attend. We had already discussed this and one option mentioned was me going. Well, I have no desire to see or be around the OW. When it first came up some months back, the agreement we made is that he/we would not go as I was not OK with this. Now, he all of the sudden claims we never agreed to this and now he is considering going.
With other activities in the past, I reminded of our agreement of NC (they e-mail work related items, he never talks with her in person) and that anything above and beyond required work stuff was not OK with me. In the past, he has always respected my feelings on this. He even said the other day that he has skipped a lot of things he wanted to attend. Well, now that he really wants to go to this, he suddenly wants to change our agreement. To me, it should be a moot point as we have discussed extracurricular activities and we have always agreed that they are breaking NC and thus not OK.
He has set the precedent on many occasions by not going. But, now he wants to change everything we have been working on for months. To me, there is a certain amount of freedom that is lost post-A until it is earned back. He has not done a whole heck of a lot to earn anything back. And, frankly, I am getting irritated feeling like I have been willing to give up things that were HUGE to me out of consideration for him and atoning for my A, but he cannot even give up a golf game out of consideration for me and the pain his A caused?
This is so much more to me than being worried he will hook up with her again (though this is a trigger for me as the A began at a work function). It is about being able to trust him and his word again. He made an agreement. He did not even come to me and attempt to POJA. These days, it seems to be his way or no way. That is not a M, that is a dictatorship and I want no part of that. We both messed up, now is the time for each of us to make this right.
Lastly, we were discussing the fact that our eldest knows about OW. I am not proud of this, but we have both discussed OW in front of DD when things were heated and once I was sobbing in my mother's arms on a D-day (we are much more cautious now). Obviously this is a BIG deal and needs to be addressed with DD. So, I brought it to my H's attention as I feel she needs to hear from him that OW is no longer in the picture (today, I had been asking her about her feelings "about how things are at home" as the counselor suggested, and she brought up OW). All he could do tonight was point the finger at me and tell me how I "should" have acted on D-days. Yet, he then he walked down near my DD's room and yelled out loud about what I had done with OM. I am so frustrated with feeling that he acts as though he has no role any of this. WTF??? There is no empathy on my H's part for what I was going through during his A. I managed the best I could at that time, and I do not remember much of it as it is too painful. I was barely functioning at that time and went on anti-D's soon after. Of course I wish my DD did not know, but she does and this needs to be dealt with maturely and carefully.
Believe me, I am not proud of my A and I continue to do so much to atone for it, but it gets so tiresome to feel like I am the only one and that there is no empathy from him for the incredible pain and anguish he caused me too.
And the one constant thing I come back to is that he may be back in the A and that would explain so much. It is so confusing because there have been two As and he is very withdrawn from me because of mine. At what point do you stop being considerate of the pain you have caused and start focusing on the fact NC may have been broken? We have made continual progress since NC was established.
Last edited by Improving; 09/06/05 01:38 AM.
