I found out that H has been having affair for the last 2 yrs out of our 5yr marriage. I have a 3 year old daughter. I cannot see passed the pain. I cannot see our future. He wants to make our marriage work. He wants to put this behind us and begin again. He says he is sorry. It has been a month since I have learned of his secret life and as each day passes I hate him more. We have never been separated. I am trying to make my marriage strong. But...I only see myself leaving. He is a wonderful father and I am so sorry for my daughter...but I want him so far out of my life he could fall off the earth and it would not be far enough away from me. I honest to goodness was/am a good wife and good mother but to no avail. Now I have shattered dreams to deal with and I just want to pick up the pieces of my heart and go on with my life. Yes I did love this man and probably still do but love is not enough, obviously wasn't enough for him.

I know right now you are very hurt and betrayed. I have been married for 25 years and have found out many things about my husband over the last year. He has never said he was sorry, wanted to work on marriage, etc. Your husband has said that. I felt like you. Just wanted to get away. Now that I'm out and on my own I feel an overwhelming sense of loss. Don't know if staying would have changed his feelings, but I do question if I did the right thing at times. What I'm trying to say is careful what you ask for. You may get it and it may not be what you thought it would be. Take care of yourself and your child. Pamper yourself and try to get some joint therapy.

You are one month post discovery, you are a roller coaster of emotions and you will be for quite some time.<P>If your H is remorseful, willing to work on marriage and is accountable right now, consider that your emotions are conflicted give your family every chance.<P>If you can not be convinced of doing it for yourself, do it for your 3 year old. If it works out, you'll be ahead, if it does not, you'll be more peaceful because you made the effort.<P>Just hold on, grieve your losses, work through your anger and start rebuilding as soon as you can. It may be two steps forward, one step back...but if you read here you will find it is possible.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

KWAS hang on! You're lucky, yes you! Everyone here has been through what you are going through now on one side of the fence or the other. Don't make any rash decisions for you and your family's sake. There is time enough to leave tomorrow if that's what you must do.<P>Take a deep breath and read through as much information as you can on this site. Pay particular attention to the "Marriage Builders Concepts".<P>When you've done that read a few other posts see what others have been through. Then come back to your post and this evening there will be an abundance of sound advice from the veteran posters to help you with your decision and an opportunity to vent more and ask a zillion questions.<P>It's always darkest before the dawn.<P>

Hi KWAS<P>So sorry for you issue. I understand your pain and discouragement for staying in this marriage. You will find that the initial shock of discovery does this to a comitted spouse. Read as much as possible here and try to understand the complexities of affairs. When I found out about W affair I was 100% gone but after reading and learning from MB it went to 0%. Do not make any decisions during this shock stage that can not be undone.<P>Decide whether you want to rebuild this marriage or be divorced. The ball is in your court. You will find alot of help here if you choose to stay married and rebuild your marriage. It is not easy and the pain is sometimes unbareable but it can work out and your marriage can be better than before. Hard to believe that right now but keep reading and you will believe.<P>Take Care

Awoken, <BR>I read your story. Thanks for the wisdom. What kind of adultry papers did you serve? Are you working on your marriage now?

KWAS<P>My wife served papers on me first, I had 20 days to respond, on my lawyers advice I counterclaimed for adultery. All this was "accomplished" prior to my finding this board. You will discover that most of the time it is the betrayer who files for divorce more often than the betrayed. I am seeking advice from Steve Harley to try and follow the Marriage Builder Principles. It is very difficult. <P>Since I found this board I am contemplating withdrawing my counterclaim. Fortunately you are not in the same situation as I am. You can always file for divorce. <P>How many of us wish we had found this board sooner to give us a chance to revive our marriage without it ever getting to the state of infidelity, but here we are, trying not to live in the past, but build the best future for ourselves, our spouses and our children.<P>I don't know the specifics of your situation , but the fact that your husband has recognised his error is an enormous step in rebuiding and should at least give you pause to consider what is really best for you and your daughter.<P>Yes I am working on my marriage, not with my wife but with all the support and help from everyone on this board. I will probably end up divorced, but I will have done what I believe is best for me and my kids and maybe I will have helped someone else such as you along the way.

KWAS;<BR> I'm sorry about your hardships. I have read the replies that have been sent to you. I know most people won't like what I have to say, but this is how I see it. If you have put your whole heart and soul into this marriage and the best your husband can do to repay you is to cheat, well then, you deserve better. Perhaps maybe because this is a marriage forum board, everyone feels compelled to help "repair" the marriage. But I believe that everyone deserves to be happy in life, and you definately don't have to pay the price for your husband's infidelities. The choice is up to you for what you decide is best. Sure, it is always in the interest of the child to grow up with two loving parents in a healthy environment. The two key words here being "loving, and healthy". If you were to pretend that this didn't happen and just moved on in the marriage for the sake of your child, you may end up not being happy...and once your child is old enough to move out and be on their own, then what? What will be holding you there? So then you leave, and your child finds out about this, that you stayed for the sake of your child...what kind of guilt will the child endure? Really, if you feel that the marriage is un-fixable, then it is in the best interest to LEAVE...it will all turn out in the long run, yet if you feel there is room in your heart to forgive, then go that route. But do what your HEART wants you to do, as it is really what determines whether or not you are happy or not, and everything else should fall into place.

KWAS & Benna<P>I don't think anyone suggests that a loveless and unhappy marriage is good for either spouse, or a child. If you search through the posts you will find examples of couples for whom reconcilliation seemed impossible, yet with a lot of patience and hard work by both spouses their marriages have been rebuilt and have actually flourished to everyone's benefit.<P>The decision is yours, but by coming here you will realise that you are not alone and leaving him is not the only option.<P>Only you can answer the question do you want to save your marriage? Does your daughter deserve your best effort to fix the marriage? Did you do your best to fix the marriage?<P>Not every marriage should be saved, should yours? Take your time and consider the alternatives. There are others who have been in the exact same position as you and their bond has strengthened. <P>On the face of it I envy your situation. You have a beautiful daughter, who has a good father and a good mother. You have a husband you love who says he is sorry and wants a second chance.<P>Unfortunately it is not easy to just put it behind you. You both could benefit from following the MB program and possibly when you are familiar with the concepts have a telephone session with Dr. Harley. Read "Surviving an Affair".<P>KWAS at first everyone's reaction is the same as yours - anger, pain, distress, revenge. Leaving now will only add guilt to your problems. Tomorrow is still available if you need to leave, don't be hasty.<P><P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

I don't understand that a man can have a two year affair out of a five year marriage with a 3 year old daughter that he a adores and now decide that this was all a mistake and want his life back. I cannot understand that he could love me at all??? How do you do something like that to someone you love? It is not like we had any major problems!! that I was aware of (sex was never the issue other than it was me who wanted sex and him who didn't) It should have been me having an affair after the rejection I was getting. He told me no and wanted her...so how am I to get over that? In my mind I am haunted by the fact that he was leaving a perfectly willing hardworking wife to give himself to the OW. He was home everynight giving my daughter a bath and being the family man??? I do not understand?? I hear him say that he knows he ruined all of our hopes and dreams of the marriage and that he will do anything to make it up to me, that he loves me (how can I believe that). All he wants is a chance to prove that he can be the best father and husband, and that's all fine and dandy,,,but why would I believe that he loves me?? He has been having an affair with someone for TWO YEARS (woman is 12 years younger than me and him)... now to me.. love might be present but for the OW not me. Then I tell myself that he just wants the comfort of his home and family and he does not want to break up the home for his daughter's sake (he comes from a family with no divorces). God help me but those are not good enough reasons to stay married to someone. I deserve love for me. He actually does tell me that it is me he does not want to lose...but the affair (from the day of discovery he has had no contact with OW) lasted two years.....so I feel like the last two years have been fake my family is a fraud it is not at all like I thought. Everything I have done in the last two years has been playing house...in a world of deceit and lies. My heart is broken and I just wonder why he didn't leave in the first place and why does he cry to stay now???????

KWAS,<P>I feel all the pain that is in the words on this thread. Many of us do.<P>I think you should really listen to Faith Hope Love. She has given me much advise that has really helped me in the past 7 months.<P>You are on a roller coaster of emotions. It is not a fun ride. Hang on for dear life.<P>My husband only stayed because of my daughter. If it hadn't been for her he'd have left in a second to be with this OW. He too had an affair for nearly 2 years. He loved this woman and still does. It is a daily struggle for him and I.<P>BUT...We are getting closer. Our love is building. It is not the excitement of new love. It is much deeper. Comfortable. I love him very much and have done everything I can to keep him here.<P>You are very fortunate that your husband is sorry. That he loves you. Give him the chance to prove it. Give him the chance to atone. You will feel better no matter what happens if you tried with all your might to give your marriage a chance.<P>Look past the pain at the man you married. Remember how you felt about him. Pray, read the bible and pamper yourself. <P>I think in the end you'll find all your efforts duly rewarded. <P>The counseling is an excellent and necessary thing to do. My husband wouldn't do it. If yours is so willing to repair the marriage then he'll probably go. <P>I believe that couples that make it through this turn out to have a stronger relationship then anyone could imagine. <P>I hope in the future I will be able to make such a claim. In the mean time I am doing all I know is right and good.<BR><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

KWAS, I have to agree with Samantha. Alot of people wish they hadn't stayed "just because of the kids" (MY H)because they learnt later on that it was more than that. Your H might be staying for more than that and not realize it now, I know my H did later on. I know initially it was just for the kids but I believed in my love for him and the joining of us so much that I knew that things would turn around. Now he wishes he could go back and tell me months ago that it really was me he stayed for. You might find this out. You say that you still love him and your torn, believe me, I KNOW where your coming from, that was me 9 1/2 months ago. Faith Hope and Love has never done anyone wrong, the advice is good, and during this emotional time in your life, any good advice is worth living with. Also, do remember that we are here for you and you can always count on someone at this board to listen and try their best to help you through. I know that my marriage is in a better position now than it ever was and alot of it is because I am learning through this board and the counselling sessions we go to to make things better! God Bless you, we are praying for you! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Samantha, Chicks:<P>You both stated that the only reason you were able to salvage the marriage was because you H was only willing to stay for the childs sake. Where in the world did you find the strength to endure that thought?? You must have exceptional self esteem!!! I feel that neither of your H's deserve you. Maybe it is my survival instincts that are kicking in.....but I am not willing if he is not willing....in fact it is hard for me because he is willing and I am so hurt that I can barely see passed my pain to see a future with this person who NOT anything like I thought. I had him so high on my list of people that I admired. How in the world did you want this marriage if he didn't. I refuse to feel thankful/lucky that my H wants to work it out... it is he that is the lucky one because I was there with my family taking care of them reading to my daughter, building her character and being faithful. So now I should feel blessed that he wants to work it out...no he should feel blessed that I even speak to him. It's not like I was a nag, not taking care myself, or treating him bad. My appearance was always attractive and I read all the marital books and tried. I worked my rear off in a full time job and came home everyday and worked hard in the home as well as worked hard at being a good daughter in law. I fit right in with his family and I WAS THERE...I can honestly say that!! and HE knows it. Maybe my only downfall is that I do not have the esteem that you do, to be able to unconditionally love someone after this horrid treatment.

KWAS: We all know how you are feeling at this moment. You have just recently discovered that "your perfect world" had many flaws. Unfortunately, we all have come to realize that as well. So, take a deep breath, and try to look at things objectively.<BR>Don't think for one minute, that the only reason your husband wants to make your marriage work, is for the sake of your daughter. If he had been that concerned, he never would have had the affair to start with. Give yourself some of the credit, here. Have you ever thought that he made the biggest mistake of his life, for whatever reason, and he is now realizing that he loves you more than he ever thought possible, and he is truly sorry for what he has done? I know how hard it is. I think a lot of your problems are in the fact that you had your husband sitting on a pedestal, and now that he has fallen off, you now know that he is not as perfect as you once thought. Hey, who is? Perhaps you are afraid of giving into your feelings of love for him, in case he ever does it again? For myself, we had been married almost 34 years, when I found out about my husband's affair. Like you, I thought all of those years had been a joke, and it had been on me. But, when I look at our 2 wonderful sons, and our 4 beautiful grandchildren, it makes me understand that they were conceived out of love. Without them, my life would be empty. <BR>As hard as it seems, we have to take the good with the bad in life, and unfortunately, you are going through the bad times right now. I cannot advise you to stay, if that is what you really don't want to do. I can tell you, from experience, that if given half a chance, you have an opportunity to make your marriage as good as, or even better than it ever was before. Remember, it is very easy to walk out the door. The hard part is to stay and try to work things out. There is nothing that you cannot do, you just have to want it bad enough. Take care, and the best of luck.<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

Kwas:<BR>You have received wonderful advise from all .<BR>Please take your time and think this through... it is very difficult. I have been dealing suspicious behavior for 2 years now some say I am foolish to stick around. (But I need to know for sure.) It is very hurtful but think hard do you really want out or to escape for a while. One question had you ever suspected this affair how did you discover? Take your time a marriage is like a mountain range sometimes youre on the top and now you a in a valley. The top is possible to reach. <BR>

Jackee, <BR>I too was dealing with suspicious behavior. I still never considered that this is what was happening. In fact I felt very guilty for even thinking that way about my husband. Besides no real money was being spent and he was home everynight. Just one overnight business trip almost 2 years ago (later found out that it was a trip for them two). After seeing a lot of phone calls back and forth and picking up a voice mail from OW on his cell phone I was alerted for sure. I confronted him he swore up and down that it was just a friendship and that he would never ever even think about touching another woman. He broke down and said that he could not believe that I could ever consider such a thing!! That was a Sat. by Monday I asked to the phone bill that was in his other car. He reluctantly brought it to me which revealed countless times that he was calling her from times that he was with his family. Those get gas trips and go to the store trips. Still I thought that I was over reacting and that he was just friends with a woman and he was scared I might get jealous. Finally after so much conflict in my heart I just called the number and she answered. I asked that she please be honest with me so that I can go on with my life. She said she was sorry "yes she was having an affair and in love with my husband" and that she thought that we were separated this whole time in the last two years. We have never been separated and I thought happy.<P>So don't let all the signs add up. When I was in doubt I hit it all head on. I called him immediately and calmly told him to get out of my life. He left work and came home pleading for me not to leave him...we are in counseling (his idea) <BR>Hope this helps you

Kwas:<BR>Thanks for the response. I have living been with my H for 15 years. No kids I am in my late 30s. This started 2 maybe 3 years ago (the 7th year of our marriage). I have been on a terrible roller coaster. I freak out inside and out at the mention of him going down the street. I have an ol 'boe who told "me if you did that to me it would push him to have an affair". I have no conclusive evidence but a great number of suspicous things have happened. I can sometimes tell when he is lying but my H is very smart. I am have got to find this out somehow. <P>It is strange but we go away have a good time and really enjoy ourselves. We had a great vaca I didn't want to come back. <P>I think the &*@%! is hitting the fan for him because he looks very stressed out lately. For example I happened to overhear him say he was going to go a big fair one Monday (perhaps w/OW) so I said that sounds like fun lets go. He got a little perterbed. I am trying to screw up his plans but I don't know if that is the right way to go about it.<BR>In my head I think perhaps by disappointing <BR>OW she gives him hard time. I can't believe that I am actually saying this. I don't even know how I got here. This is why I want to know for sure so I can make a decision once and for all. But I admit I am scared to loose him. It is definatley an abandonment thing for me. I was once very independent until this THING started. <BR>I wish you all the best in you journey to get your marriage back it is the right thing to do. Be strong and keep posting.

Kwas:<BR>Thanks for the response. I have living been with my H for 15 years. No kids I am in my late 30s. This started 2 maybe 3 years ago (the 7th year of our marriage). I have been on a terrible roller coaster. I freak out inside and out at the mention of him going down the street. I have an ol 'boe who told "me if you did that to me it would push him to have an affair". I have no conclusive evidence but a great number of suspicous things have happened. I can sometimes tell when he is lying but my H is very smart. I am have got to find this out somehow. <P>It is strange but we go away have a good time and really enjoy ourselves. We had a great vaca I didn't want to come back. <P>I think the &*@%! is hitting the fan for him because he looks very stressed out lately. For example I happened to overhear him say he was going to go a big fair one Monday (perhaps w/OW) so I said that sounds like fun lets go. He got a little perterbed. I am trying to screw up his plans but I don't know if that is the right way to go about it.<BR>In my head I think perhaps by disappointing <BR>OW she gives him hard time. I can't believe that I am actually saying this. I don't even know how I got here. This is why I want to know for sure so I can make a decision once and for all. But I admit I am scared to loose him. It is definatley an abandonment thing for me. I was once very independent until this THING started. <BR>I wish you all the best in you journey to get your marriage back it is the right thing to do. Be strong and keep posting.