Haven't posted to this website for more than a year and hoped I'd never need to use this part of the forum. Basic story - wife had an affair with someone where she worked while I was deployed to Afghanistan (2 years ago). After I returned she asked for a divorce (4 hours after I'd stepped off the plane brining me home).
We continiued to live together even after I told her I did not want a divorce because I did not understand why she was asking. After many painful months I confronted her with the facts I had gathered about her affair with a married man and father of a 13 yr. old. She admitted it and sent the no contact letter. She also agreed to work on the marriage. She would not go to counseling, but I did.
Things got a little better over time. She would not go to a counselor because she claims she was seeing a counselor while I was deployed a he told her that based on what she was telling him, she should get divorced. She has little confidence in counselors these days.
Long story short - we have no debt and have a good bit in savings and investments (don't argue much about money), we have never had an abusive relationship, Both have good careers, have no kids (have tried for years but no luck) this has been devastating to my wife who says now she doesn't want kids anymore, there is nothing we do not talk about since the affair. Her job as a pharm sales rep (used to be a teacher prior to the A) keeps her traveling a good deal, my job in the military keeps me traveling these days.
She says she wants someone who can be there more than me. We have been married 14 years and in a relationship 18 years. She wants a companion.Right now I am off at a remote site in the US training units for Iraq and she is at our home on the west coast. We talk on the phone every couple of days and see each other one 4 day weekend a month. Told me this weekend she wants to separate because she wants a companion and one of the doctors she calls on has expressed interest in her and wanting to go put with her (she was told about the doctors interest thru another sales rep). She now wants to be able to go out with him because " someone thinks she is interesting and wants to be with her". Says she loves me, but wnats more excitement. She is basically looking for the same feeling she had when she was in the affair (the newness).
I don't know who my wife of 14 years is anymore. I give up. At 35 years old she is acting like a teenager. I am drafting the separation agreement now and hope to have it to her by the end of the week.
Anyone got any thoughts????

So if she's on the road all the time, just when is she going to be there for her "companion?" Excuses, excuses, excuses. I've got a news flash for her. Docs may want to get a good-looking drug rep in the sack, but that's pretty much all they want. Or why does she think the pharmaceutical companies prefer women sales reps?

Why does she want a seperation? Is she thinking that she can keep you on the hook to support her, while she goes out and gets herself another boyfriend? - like that's not infidelity? Most MTs and divorce lawyers advise against legal seperations unless the state in which you live requires a prolonged waiting period before a divorce can be granted. Seperations never accomplish anything beyond prolonging the inevitable and increasing the cost of a divorce. I'd advise you to say no to the seperation. Give her two choices: she enter therapy with you and really work on the marriage or you are filing for divorce. Otherwise, you could be supporting this woman until all the savings and investments have been exhausted and you will still eventually find yourself in divorce court. She may be acting like a teenager, but she's a grown woman. Grown women must live with the consequneces of their choices. You already have proof of one affair and it is quite likely she is now involved in another.

I love you, but I want more excitement and the freedom to to go out and bang other men. So let's seperated. I get to do exactly what I want and you are still legally on the hook as my husband. Ah, how a cheater looses touch with reality!

Yeah - as far as the docs - I GET IT. I don't think she does.
I told her that a separation doesn't mean your're not married - it is just a contractual agreement between married folks that divides who is responsible for what. Also that it ususally precedes a divorce.
She doesn't want me to financially support her in any way. She wants to do it on her own.
Also - she's says she's read the Harley books and understands what he says, but this is the way she feels.

Legal Separation in North Carolina should help make final all issues related to an uncontested divorce. To me, that's the only good reason to do it. At this point, she says she wants to do everything on her own and does not want anything from me.

My gut tells me she is seeing the doctor. Been thru this before ya' know. After her A last year we agreed to be completely honest and open. She gave me her email passwords and voice mail pw. 2 weeks ago I decided to check them - she changed her voice mail pw during the last month - don't know it now. That's how I found out who the last OM was.

Really, should I just Plan B or divorce? How many times am I supposed to put up with this crap and try to help "heal" my marriage?

What she says she wants and what she's going to come back to you demanding later are two compelely different things, Apache. She'll tell you anything you want to hear right now to get her way. But a few months down the line, when Dr. Wonderful (or whomever) dumps her and it hits her that she needs your income in order to maintain her lifestyle, she'll come back demanding more. She's still your wife and she'll get it.

In South Carolina, you must be seperated, whether that is an informal agreement or a formal one approved by the court, before a no-contest divorce will be granted. That means the couple must live compeltely seperately, with seperate finances, in seperate houses and there may be no sexual contact at all. So most couples divorcing there work out a property settlement first. Then it just a matter of the plaintiff spening a feew minutes before a judge ansering some pro forma questions. In my state, you need wait only 30 days, I don't know NC's laws, but do not enter into any agreement with her without first consulting an attorney. If you do, you may regret it later, since as you said, seperate maintenance agreements set precidence.

She wants out now, so whatever you agreed to a year ago is null and void -- the password changes prove this. She may have read Harley's books but she certainly doesn't understand them, because she doesn't believe in marriage. I'm so tired of people talking about how they "feel," sometimes I could puke. When I was married and travelling, I had women offer me sex all the time. They saw the wedding ring and figured I was safe for a one-nighter. What I "felt" like was taking them up on their offers to make the beast with two backs - the wife would never know, but what I KNEW was this was wrong and chose to honor my promise. Feeling without THINKING always leads to disaster.

You gave her her chance and and stood by her when most men would have kicked her to the curb. Not only did she not get on board to fix your marriage, she now wants you to give her permission to screw around again, seperate but remain married -- how very convenient for her, since it is you who must shoulder all the emotional costs. She's just stringing you along "just in case." This is so common of cheaters. My advice is that a Plan B will have no effect at all. This isn't a case where your marriage is in trouble because her needs aren't being met and a Plan A has failed. This is happening because she's bored and wants to go to have sex with other men. Make her choose between marriage and divorce. Not a seperation, but divorce.

Sorry if I seem harsh and it isn't just because I've been there and done that. But a woman who'd screw around on her husband while he's in a war zone and in danger, a husband who is willing to forgive her and save their marriage, and then do what she is doing now is, in my opinion, completely devoid of moral character

You're preaching to the choir, but thanks for the input. In North Carolina the sep agreement can include everything covered in a divorce settlement, but not the actual divorce. Sounds almost like SC. I will consult a lawyer first.
You are correct. She has said she's not sure she believes in anything she used to. Her religion, marriage, etc. It doesn't help these days that some of her friends are older, divorced women who are still at odds with the former husbands. These women are all about their new boyfriends (who are married) and what they get from them.
You're not too harsh with your opinion. I am simply trying to make the best decision for me without leting emotion motivate my decisions. That how I make my living - making level-headed decisions without being influenced by my emotions. And in this case - it ain't easy!

Been racking my head all day to try and figure out what my wife could be using for a voicemail password. Just figured it out and checked her email. Well... here we go again... somebody named Ken left the sweetest meassage about where she could meet him for dinner and that his car was out front so she would see it. Oh yeah.. it ended with please be careful. After events in the past I don't need to know more. Someone new all over again.

I'm with CheckURHeart - Get a signed separation agreement that disposes of your joint property. She says she wants to be on her own, but that won't last.

My WH said the same thing, at first. He said I could have everything, he just wanted out. At that time, I was still trying to save my marriage.

Two years later, when I knew that the marriage was done, we tried to agree on splitting things. In California, you can write up a separation agreement which is just like ending a business. My husband even wrote it up. I paid the attorney to do it legally, and guess what? My husband refused to sign it.

Later we tried it again. After it was written up again, he refused. I paid for that one too. Then I paid for mediation. My husband didn't show up.

Now I am having to cough up the money for a divorce. That is the only way my husband is going to settle - when the court FORCES him.

I am working on the separation agreement this week while she is so "giving" and willing to give me anything I want (except a better marriage).

I tried, and tried and tried. Thought things were getting better and that maybe soon we would be at a point where she would go to MC.

Things had been much better - we were going out on dates to movies, dinner, shopping, cooking meals together,a nd sometimes just laying on the sofa talking. Then she would have to leave for a few weeks and then be home - then the same for me. The summer has been tough because I have been training for 3 out of every 4 weeks. That's about to be over in another 3 weeks. Then I won't have to do that again for another 5-6 months. She knows all of this. I guess 3 weeks at a time for 3-4 months is just too much for her to handle.

She gets almost all my "free" time. Surely ther are women out there who can accept these difficult, yet temporary times in a marriage??

The divorce rate in the military is no greater than in the civilian world. The military just completed a study because it was concerned. Probably not so much concerned about my marriage but recruiting and retention

"It doesn't help these days that some of her friends are older, divorced women who are still at odds with the former husbands. These women are all about their new boyfriends (who are married) and what they get from them."

Bingo! Now we know what's really going on. I've observed this behavior in women since high school. One woman gets married, and suddenly her girlfriends start marrying. One woman gets pregnant and suddenly several other women around her are pregnant. One woman has an affair and suddenly her girlfriends start having affairs. One woman leaves her husband and suddenly her girlfriends start leaving their husbands. I do not know the cause of this herd mentality in women, but it most surely exists. I suspect it is some sort of competition thing.

Here are some examples:

Eighteen months ago, we didn't have a single pregnant woman in my office. Then one annouced she was pregnant. Within three months, we had eight pregnant women in the office.

One of co-workers and his wife had been planning on having a second child next year. But then her sister announced at a family dinner that she was pregnant. Before the end of the week, she had announced to her husband that she didn't want to wait until next year, but wanted to start trying to get pregnant now -- no discussion, just do your job and make me pregnant.

Last fall, one woman dumped her husband. By February, three other women in her "lunch clutch" had left their husbands.

Another coworker married last October. In March one of his wife's girlfriends (also married) announced that she was returning to school to get a PhD. By the end of April, his wife had announced that she had decided to go to dental school. She had applied and had been accepted. The problem is that the school is 200 miles away. So he bought her a house in that town and for the next 3+ years, the two of them will live apart (haven't even been married a year!), seeing one another whenever her schedule permits. I garauntee that this marriage will fail before she finishes her degree.

Check -
See my latest post in General Questions - the latest.

Hoo-boy.. I'll respond here, since I generally stay out of that pain-pool GQII. Again, excuses, excuses, excuses. One rationalization after the other. She says she's so guilty for having betrayed you, but then rurns around to try to justify it will she only did so because you were thousands of mile away wearing that latest fashion statement called a flack jacket and - sniff, sniff - she felt so abandoned. Never forget: everything before the "but" is bullsh*t.

And you know she's already stepping on you again with some guy named Ken. She's not even waiting for the seperation, she's already put herself on the market and has buyers lined up.

You asked if this was a mid-life crisis. No, it isn't. You aren't the one tossing your marriage aside for a bit of extra honey. Do not let her make you take ANY ownership of this.

I am not taking any ownership for this, but I have never been one to give up when the going gets tough and when it's something I truely believe in.

I listened to her voice mail this evening and know that she was out on a date with the doctor last night. He is so flattering, but he can be. His best foot will always be forward and gets every chance in the world. I however, have a past with her and will never get the opportunity to start "new". I am now placed (by my W) in a competition with this guy and I only get to see her a 4-5 days a month. To attempt to Plan A from such a distance seems truely useless. I will not LB though. I will simply do the very best that I can, but believe I should just draw a line in the sand and PLan B or D.

Please know this.....you are NEVER in a competition with anyone with such low morals. What I find so interesting and funny for the ones who strayed is the chances of a relationship working out that started from an affair are like 97% fail rate.....the cheater usually cheats again, so Mister Doctor will go through it too. Sorry you're going through this.