Haven't posted to this website for more than a year and hoped I'd never need to use this part of the forum. Basic story - wife had an affair with someone where she worked while I was deployed to Afghanistan (2 years ago). After I returned she asked for a divorce (4 hours after I'd stepped off the plane brining me home).
We continiued to live together even after I told her I did not want a divorce because I did not understand why she was asking. After many painful months I confronted her with the facts I had gathered about her affair with a married man and father of a 13 yr. old. She admitted it and sent the no contact letter. She also agreed to work on the marriage. She would not go to counseling, but I did.
Things got a little better over time. She would not go to a counselor because she claims she was seeing a counselor while I was deployed a he told her that based on what she was telling him, she should get divorced. She has little confidence in counselors these days.
Long story short - we have no debt and have a good bit in savings and investments (don't argue much about money), we have never had an abusive relationship, Both have good careers, have no kids (have tried for years but no luck) this has been devastating to my wife who says now she doesn't want kids anymore, there is nothing we do not talk about since the affair. Her job as a pharm sales rep (used to be a teacher prior to the A) keeps her traveling a good deal, my job in the military keeps me traveling these days.
She says she wants someone who can be there more than me. We have been married 14 years and in a relationship 18 years. She wants a companion.Right now I am off at a remote site in the US training units for Iraq and she is at our home on the west coast. We talk on the phone every couple of days and see each other one 4 day weekend a month. Told me this weekend she wants to separate because she wants a companion and one of the doctors she calls on has expressed interest in her and wanting to go put with her (she was told about the doctors interest thru another sales rep). She now wants to be able to go out with him because " someone thinks she is interesting and wants to be with her". Says she loves me, but wnats more excitement. She is basically looking for the same feeling she had when she was in the affair (the newness).
I don't know who my wife of 14 years is anymore. I give up. At 35 years old she is acting like a teenager. I am drafting the separation agreement now and hope to have it to her by the end of the week.
Anyone got any thoughts????

First, thanks for serving. I speak for many of us when I say we greatly appreciate your sacrifice.

I would guess she has already been seeing the doctor. They usually tell you things late. If she hasn't, then her telling you is trying to get you to initiate the separation or a cry for help.

Not being able to become pregnant is very much an issue for her. How far have you guys explored that one? Who has the "bad plumbing?"

Tell her she can either work on the marriage or abandon it, but you're not going to initiate separation. Make sure she understands that if she abandons it that you're gone for good. Either way she decides is best for you, isn't it?

I'm so sorry to hear the news. I thought things were going well for you.

Is there any possibility you could get out of the service? That is what Mortarman had to do.

mflake - She says she has not seen the doctor yet but wants to know that someone else thinks she is interesting.
As far as becoming pregnant - no one has bad plumbing, we have each been checked a couple of time. We were going to try some medications to help with our fertility, but by the time we got to that point the drugs wouldn't be effective before I had to deploy- then the deployment - the A - etc. She's had absolutely no interest since. She asked for the separation this weekend. At this point I feel like just letting her continue on this destructive path, but also protecting myself - emotionally and financially. I can't continue with her teenage state of mind. I can't live with a 35 yr old who wants to sew her oats.

believer - Can't just get out of the military these days. Also, I am only a few years from retirement (18 years) and that would be stupid. I was in the service when we married - it didn't just pop up - she knew when she married me.

Also-
She says she loves me and that she knows if she does what she wants things will end up bad. But, she can't help the way she feels. I AM NOT DEFENDING HER. That's just what she said.

I think I'd rather jus PLan B if that's what you'd call it at this point.
Any thoughts?

You might want to try Plan B. That is the next plan, after Plan A doesn't work.

Is there a chance that your wife is depressed? Knowing the things you want to do will end up bad, and doing them anyway, sounds like depression to me.

mflake - My gut tells me she is seeing the doctor. Been thru this before ya' know. After her A last year we agreed to be completely honest and open. She gave me her email passwords and voice mail pw. 2 weeks ago I decided to check them - she changed her voice mail pw during the last month - don't know it now. That's how I found out who the last OM was.

Really, should I just Plan B or divorce? How many times am I supposed to put up with this crap and try to help "heal" my marriage?

beliver -
Yes there is a chance she is depressed. She's done that a couple of times since we've been married. She will not seek help. She's taken anti-depressant drugs in the past and has seen counselors in the past. The last time she saw a counselor was during my deployment. Based on how that went and the bad advice she said she received, says she will not go to another one.
Also the last time was after her grandmother passed away ( a tough time for my wife and I was overseas), and most recently her dad was diagnosed with cancer. He has surgery this week.
So, yes she is probably depressed.
Also. I have done Plan A as much as I can, and things seemed to be getting better. Then she had to go away for training and so did I. We talked on the phone a great deal, and Ieven made trips to see her. Only in the past couple of months have things taken a backward slide.

I read this because I told my husband at 3 this morning that I was preoccupied with considering a separation.

From what you say, she may be having an A, but the real problem is that her needs aren't being met by you.

I haven't been on MB since April because my H didn't want me to be, but I have a memorably dramatic story. My H was abusive for years. 12 days after I had major surgery of a hysterectomy and repair to bladder, rectum and small intestine which forced me to abruptly wean our 10 month old (the cause of the surgery), he punched me because I was threatening to call the woman with whom in fact he was having an affair. He broke my ulna in 7 pieces. Three surgeries. I was in a cast or splint up past my elbow from mid December to early April.

Why am I saying this? In retrospect, neglect was worse than either the affair or the abuse. Harley has an article on the web site called "Why Women Leave Men." Try reading it and thinking about what it might mean to her to feel like she doesn't matter at all. Is it possible you could set up a routine so that you and she could talk every day and email? Can you ask her about her day? Women want to feel valued and cherished. In your reply to believer you said that you talked on the phone a great deal. In your first post, you said you talked every other day.

From my perspective, she sounds starved for attention. You cannot give her physical affection or recreational companionship, so hone your skills at conversation.

I am guessing that her willingness to tell you about the doctor is her way of trying to get you to wake up and see that she isn't happy and needs you to change.
Cherished

Thanks for the input. I have never been abusive and quite frankly have taken all of my excess leave (vacation earned from my deployment - 60 days) over the past six months. I have been at our home as much as, or more than she has. In fact, she had the opportunity to move with me. But she chose to stay put. She admitted this weekend that we have never had a problem talking and we do it more than she ever expected. Her issue was that she wants a "new" and exciting relationship feelin. Like most of us feel when we first fall in love. She also said she realizes that it may mean the rest of her life is full of short relationships. She wants the feeling she had from her affair - her words. Nobody can give her constant attention. Even if I was home every night, she would not be there because of her job. She has been working out of town for the last 3 months. Since I returned from overseas she has not ever been the woman I have known for the previous 13 years. People don't completely change character and attitude over a few months. She has come close to being like her old self, but stops short for some reason. She says she cannot forgive herself for the A and is not sure it wasn't a good thing for her.

I just read Harley's article again. I understand what he's saying - I GOT IT. I do as much of that as I can. We talk about everything, including our [email]F@#!!$[/email] up marriage . Calling her, sending her email, cards, etc. doesn't seem to help. I "let her in" on everything. In one breath she says she wants somebody to go to dinner with, movies, etc. Then she tells me she wants somebody to let her know she is specisl and interesting. She says it does not countwhen I do it - no matter what! It counts when others do it. She thinks I do it beacause I have to - because I'm her husband. What is it with women and constant external validation - doesn't count when I do it - more important if somebody she's just met does it. That's Crap!

Been racking my head all day to try and figure out what my wife could be using for an email password. Just figured it out and checked her email. Well... here we go again... somebody named Ken left the sweetest meassage about where she could meet him for dinner and that his car was out front so she would see it. Oh yeah.. it ended with please be careful. After events in the past I don't need to know more. Someone new all over again.

I know you have done a great Plan A, and worked very hard. It seems almost like a mid-life crisis, but she is a little young for that.

It is completely crazy for her to think she can have one relationship after another to maintain that high feeling.

Plan B may not work, especially if you will be gone. You might try the Dobson "Love Must Be Tough" approach and let her know that you cannot keep her prisoner, and she is free to go.

I really don't know what to advise you.

Well I think it's obvious she is in another affair emotional or physical doesn't matter. I won't Plan A thru another one. I think you are right.. Plan B probably won't work since I'm not there. I think it's time to absolutly draw a line in the sand.

I saw your other post. Have you read the Dobson book? He advises having firm boundaries and letting the spouse know that you will not tolerate an affair. If they don't want to be married, they are free to leave.

Not very MB like, but I know you have been at this for a long time. The problem is when it goes on and on, you end up losing your love for the WS.

Haven't read Dobson's book, but I know which one you are talking about. That's what I want to avoid - losing my love for her. I'll look into it.

I can tell you, once it's gone, it's gone. I have the book here somewhere, I'll look for it.

Also I hope that some vets will come along and give you some input. I have very little patience with someone who continues cheating while their spouse is in harm's way.

That is what finally made me lose all respect for my husband. The OW's husband was fighting in Iraq when the affair started. I used to ask him how he could sleep at night knowing what he did. Three years later, the affair continues. It made me lose any feeling for my husband.

I refuse to go down the road I did before. No more plan A or B left in me. I hope she will be happy in her sad, sad life. I also hope no harm comes to her, but she has shown me that she is in it for her. She will have to live eith the consequences.

Apache - I hardly ever advise people here to quit trying. But I think it is dangerous for you to have all of this on your mind again, while you are training or deployed.

I know you did a good Plan A.

What your wife doesn't know is that it is very difficult to find a good man. There are a lot of men out there that look good, but she is meeting men that would date a married woman. Yuck.

She has a big fall coming, and I don't see how to prevent it if she won't go for counseling or anti-D's.