I really need some help and advice. My FWH & I went to MC this past week and afterward he went into a downward spiral that still exists. He says he wants to die (but is not suicidal). He did, however, go for a motorcycle ride at night and went to a bar for a couple of drinks - something he said he would never do again (he had a drinking problem 20 years ago. He says he is very confused and feels like there is a war going on inside him - good & evil. He says he wants to get back on the right track but doesn't know how. He is so filled with self-loathing for what he did to me. We've been married for 30 years. I cry frequently and it seems everytime I do, he goes into this "funk". Talking about what happened seems to help me, but makes him feel worse. How do you deal with this? I know everyone says to seek MC and IC and we're doing both. So far, things seem to be getting worse instead of better. How do I help myself, without making him feel worse. We both seem to be going through more depressive periods than when I discovered A (4-6 mos ago). The A came as the biggest shock of my life. I've always felt we had a good M and naturally didn't believe this could happen to me. But I thought we were dealing with it well. Then a trigger - tears - I feel bad - he feels bad - and it all starts over again. How do we both get past something this horrendous and restore our 30 year relationship? Please help - anyone. Thanks.

You need to set up a day for discussing this and do not push it any sooner. When you have a trigger tell him you need a good hug. My FWh also feels the same as your H. He does not want to discuss it at least yours is going to MC. Can you hold off talking about his A until you are with your C? I wrote a journal when I was upset -somehow getting things down on paper relived alot of my stress, anger and hurt feelings. It is devastating going through this after so many years. I never thought mine would do this either. The drinking must stop especially while on a bike. Hope this helps.

Thanks realtor* for the reply. I know this isn't easy for anyone - but I think it's really difficult for those of us with a long marital history. I think I will try the journalling, in fact told H this am I thought I might try it rather than vocalizing my pain. As for the bike ride with the drinking, I can only hope and pray he will see the destructive behavior for what it is and stop. I just don't know what else to do. Thanks again for the post.

trishc,

Stop talking about it for awhile. Show him your love side.

He is choking on his guilt and when you cry or talk about it that wad of guilt gets bigger. Try not to bring it up. Or cry, or trigger. If you trigger, like Realtor* said, ask him for a big hug, or something along those lines. Or go off to another room. Journaling is excellent!

Does he show affection to you and is he truly remorseful and sincerely sorry? Does he do as much as he can to make it up to you? If not, HE SHOULD, instead of feeling blue and wanting to die.

""He says he wants to get back on the right track but doesn't know how.""

You are the one to pull him back on track. Your loving kindness and forgivness will guide him back.

k

Again, thanks for the advice. This really is a wonderful place to get positive feedback. You're 100% accurate! I have not shown him my love side consistently and truthfully forget (maybe on purpose?) that he is hurting too. We really do love each other - I know that. You can't be married for 30 years and not know your other half. Yes, I do know he is really sorry and is doing his best to make amends. I now think I'm the one who's been impeding progress. I guess it's hard to move forward when you keep dragging the past behind you. I'm going to try the journalling and hopefully this will help both of us. Thanks for being there.