I'm in my mid-50's and so is my fiance. We have a wonderful relationship, and he has a terrific relationship with my grown (30-year old) daughter. I, in turn, have a great relationship with only TWO of his children ... his eldest son and his wife and I get along just great, and his eldest daughter who is developmentally disabled and I are terrific pals. He has NINE children ... yeah, I know, I know. The problem is, he's widowed and the rest of the children have martyred their mother to be something resembling a saint.

Tom's late wife was bipolar. A miserable disease that takes someone from being a vibrant, bright, funny, loving person to be with and over the years, turns them into the absolute opposite. Tom's marriage had been over for years before she passed away - but the children just will NOT move on under ANY circumstances. They won't even consent to meeting me, other than the two oldest kids.

Tom and I are planning to be married next year. The church has been reserved, caterers hired, my gown is being made, everything is in motion. My whole family and virtually all of my friends know about our plans. Tom and I socialize with my friends and family and we see his co-workers, church friends, etc. ... but the kids? Absolutely NO progress. Tom has witnessed their rudeness toward me one day when I went to pick him up for a party (he's directionally challenged to a fault and sometime's it's just easier if I drive). The children scattered like buckshot when they realized I was there. They didn't even have the common courtesy to come and say "hello."

When they were in the process of moving to a new home, I sent over several decorating books, bowls of cookies, I gave them beautiful pool towels to use because the home he purchased has a pool ... all through Tom. Not one of them sent a "thanks" to me through him and of course, not one of them sent a personal thank you of any kind.

I'm now wondering ... if DATING is this difficult, what's the MARRIAGE going to be like? We're head over heels in love with each other and I THINK we can withstand the children still left at home (a 25-year old developmentally disabled daughter who likes me, a 16-year old daughter and a 13-year old daughter ... the latter two being under HEAVY influence of their older siblings AND Tom's sister).

Did I mention that when I went over to pick Tom up that day that his sister, who's in her late FORTIES, was found hiding behind a bedroom door when Tom went upstairs to say goodbye to his 16-year old? And SHE'S an ADULT!!! Yeah, I know ... serious psycho-pathology in this group.

I would SO MUCH appreciate anyone who has any ideas on this and how to get the ball rolling. We've discussed everything under the sun ... believe me. And now I'm just plain desperate.

Thank you so very, very much for any input you're willing to share.

Best regards,
nancy ~

Where or should I say when is Tom going to step up and say something to his children and sister? What if he got you all together and explained to them that he loves you and the way they are treating you is hurting him.. . Also their mother died-- i think, well it seems that most people make their loved ones out to be saints after they are deceased. All you remember about someone is the good and it makes you miss them,,,(funny how life works)-- so their mom's problems are now a distant memory, unfortunately, the older children remember can they help?
sorry I am not much help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> [color:"pink"] [/color] [color:"blue"] [/color]

Dear nancyeljay1:

Wow, what you described here does indeed sound very unique. I totally agree with imverysadmad's previuos post. That tendancy to martyr someone and remember only the good is very common when a parent dies, or when any close person dies, for that matter.

But, in life, we move on...eventually.

He and his children should have some communication, probably without you, at least at first. Very non-confrontational. The children are obviously feeling threatened, somehow. From what you say, it sounds they are threatened because they feel that their father's "moving on" in life is somehow disrespecting their mother's memory.

Since you have already made that decision, and are getting married next year, there is no way to avoid approaching this. But is all needs to be done in love.

I think they all need to talk together and he needs to lovingly communicate that eventually, his life will go on, and ,for most people that usually involves eventually finding anther mate, and that you two have made that decision.

Since most of them are grown children, it's hard to understand why they are so opposed.

The children at home who wont even meet you, need to as soon as possible, but they need to know that their dad is not dishonoring their mother, nor is he going to neglect them in any way now that he is getting married.

It is hard to believe that they will not respond in love, when you reach out in love. It may take some time, but be patient and reassuring.

Hi Nancy,

My H and I have been married for 10 years, together for 15. He and his XW (through divorce) had 5 children. They now range in age from 35 down to 22. Three of these children are now married. Wow! Talk about what an issue this has been for us for 15 years. I now get along with the middle son and his wife. I say now because at one time or another, one of the children (and my one daughter in law) have all taken turns bad mouthing us behind our backs or hurting us in some way. We have had discussions with them on separate occasions and asked them if their indifference is STILL from the divorce. They claim it is not; but, I'm not so sure. I believe they're still bitter. Their mother is such a control freak and they are grown adults with their own children and are still controlled by her (even though they'd like to believe they're not). She views herself as the victim STILL!!!! Mind you, she's been happily remarried for a few years now. All these children have created 7 grandchildren that I buy things for and attempt to have 7 separate relationships with. Only one son/daughter in law is appreciative of our efforts. For years, I have been giving, tried to develop relationships with each of the children, in laws and grandchildren and basically, there's always a problem they have with me (or us, but mainly me) that prevents them from getting close. Over all these years, I have felt sorry for my H that he had children that would hurt him so. He used to be so distraught over this that we would argue over it. Finally, after all these years, he's sick of the treatment. He still loves his children; however, we finally concede that the children have "broken our spirit" and we will follow their lead. We just can't keep "putting ourselves out there" to them and their children only to be hurt and shot down. So, in our case, it hasn't gotten that much better. Actually, it waxes and wanes, but like I stated previously, basically there's only one son and daughter in law that actually "like" us (or so it feels) because if they were to see this post, the rest of them would disagree. They're in denial!

I have a 21 year old son from a first marriage that gets along famously with my H. That makes handling my step-family all the more difficult for me.

Nancy, it seems that during your marriage, you will have to deal with these same type issues. It will cause aggravation over the years and will probably always be a bone of contention between your H and yourself. You must not let it come between you. It's hard but it can be done. Your H must always stick by YOU when it comes to the children. They can't think that they can come between you. I have found that to be of utmost importance. Because, believe me, they will try.

Good luck and know, nancy, that your problem isn't that unique. We go through it every day and we are still going strong.

Best wishes on your upcoming nuptials <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your H to be has to fight the battles for you. "She is my W. Period. And I expect you all kids to treat her like my wife. Do NOT disrespect her."

Do NOT do anything to try to replace his deceased wife. Do NOT try to have a mother relationship to them.

Do not put yourself into position where he has to chose between them and you.

My husband has 6 children. We have been married for 8 years. The children continue to be a major issue for us. Don't expect things to get better after you are married. If he isn't supporting you now he probably won't do any better after you are married. In my marriage, the nicer I have been to his kids the more they have dispised me and the more hurt I have felt. It's as if my being nice shows how poor a mother they have and makes them want to sabatoge my efforts. I am very family oriented, he is less. He doesn't want to confront anything and is poor at communication. People say that things will get better when they are grown. The only thing that I see getting better is that they will grow up and leave and we will not have to be confronted with the issues so often.

Hi Nancy!
I am so sorry to hear of your situation! I agree with all the other posts. Your fiance really needs to have a sit down with his children and put his foot down. They don't have to like the idea of you and Daddy being married, they don't have to do anything.......EXCEPT respect you and their father. They don't want to meet you? Well it's gonna be a lot harder on the day you move into the house - on them! You seem to have done nothing but extend yourself lovingly to them. God bless you for that! If they want to portray you to be the wicked stepmother, let them. But they are the ones losing out on what could have been a great relationship, especially the younger ones, who obviously need some form of maternal relationship. Your soon to be needs to tell them that no matter what they say, or how they act, YOU are the one he is going to spend his life with. They will grow up, maybe get married, move out and live their own lives....and where does that leave daddy? Lonely!
This is absolute rubbish! My prayers are with you and your fiance. I truly hope it all works out for you!
And if anything else....enjoy your wedding prep, and the wedding! Don't let anyone take that away from you!!!

In one of his books Harley suggests waiting until any children are over 18 to marry in order to avoid this type of problem.

The reason being that marrying you will make it absolutely clear to his children that you, the spouse, come first, before them. At 13, a child is worried about her survival. To know that a parent puts another person first ahead of her, who does not love her (you may in time, and are willing, but as of now, you do not) is very threatening. When he married his wife, he hopefully put her first ahead of his children, but they knew, hopefully, that mommy loved them too and that both of them together as a couple loved them. But you are a new person, unrelated biologically to them and without a history with them.

I hope you can understand their fear under the circumstances. How would you feel knowing the person you depend upon for survival loves a stranger (as you are to them) ahead of them? What if you both need him at the same time and your needs conflict? Who is there for them? Unless you want a husband that does not put you first...