d day July 4th, WW moved in with OM (down the street) 2 weeks ago. She emailed me that she wants to come by in the evening. DD will be at soccer game, so WW won't see her. I saw WW this past friday and spoke with her and it was good. No LB etc.
Major LB on phone Mon nite, now this. I'm still in plan A, but it kills me when she leaves etc. What to do?

Hi Bigwave,
I don't have any suggestions, (i'm new to this too) but wanted you to know that I totally understand what you are going through. You are not alone friend, and there are so many members of this board that know just what to do. You have come to the right place.

Sincerely,
K.D's Heartbreak

what is the big picture plan of yours....

Are you actively in Plan A...

do you have a date set for plan B

ark

So WW is having her cake and eating it too.
What OM won't provide, you can! What a wonderful situation for her!
If she avoids DD, she won't feel guilty! Even better.

Consider this: "WW, if you are living with OM I don't think it is a good idea to come by here. If you are coming over to discuss severing contact with OM, okay, but otherwise I don't think it is a good idea."
Don't be mean. Don't whine, don't nag. Don't LB. Just be firm. If there is no impact on her for moving out, then why should she change?

Be pleasant, but set the stage for Plan B like Ark is referring to.

ark- yes I'm in plan A. Did really well when she didn't think I was home on friday and she came by to do laundry and pick up some things. Invited her in and we talked etc..But mon ite on phone LB, but 2 steps forward etc.
If she did come by she would notice that I had cleaned and straightened the entire house, something she/we could never manage as she was to busy in her A, cleaning also helped my mind off of the situation.
As far as plan B I think II will go dark in November-December, that is 4-5 months from d day and 3-4 months from her movingin in with him.
I know she wants to come by and see us, but it will be hard knowing she won't be staying.

Well you could play this several ways....

One is to have her over...but be very very invlovled with an activity when she comes in...
something fun

something very family like...will any of the kids be home...

can you be right in the middle of a game..
ie
huge water balloon fight
board game...
or playing frisbee...
be smack dab in the middle of making home made chocolate chip cookies with whatever children are home....!!!
make a home-made pizza..
buy the shells.
buy the sauce
buy the cheese..
let the kids decorate them themselves....

something going on that she 'walks' in on..
something that is family time..
something that shows the reality and consequences of her choices...

I have to say that I don't have a lot of good warm fuzzy feeling for MOMS that ABANDON their children for MEN..
women that do THAT are very very dangerous to the wellbeing of children..

the message that sends to both daughters and sons...very very dangerous...

she is a direct action of CHOOSING a man over children..
very very very sick in my opinion...

another option is to give her a time to come...and then have plans so that after she is there for only a half an hour be off some where fun..
this may involve planning an activity or visit to a GOOD family friend...something that leaves her on the outside of her choice...

be charming
be happy to see her...
drag out or buy some cologne that you used to wear all the time when you'd go OR
buy something new....

another option is to have friends over...
have a family friend/gang over that you used to socialize together...make it a little uncomfortable for her...
make her feel what she is doing....

try out a new sangria recipe with some friends...
welcome her in...but not too close...

the important thing is that you PLAN A through out
NO RELATIONSHIP talk...

if none of this can happen and it will be you and her one on one

NO RELATIONSHIP TALK

pick up brochures from a travel agency....disney world...as well as some cruises...have them on the kitchen counter..
MAKE NO COMMENT ABOUT THEM

get a local college course guide on non credit things...have it open to something wild like pottery or painting...circle one or two
MAKE NO COMMENT ABOUT THEM

Down load and burn a new CD of something different from what you usually listen to....
have it playing when she comes over...
only comment if she asks...say
SOMEONE told you about this group...groovey huh??

Have a close friend call you on your cell when she is there...
EXCUSE yourself and go in the other room for a few minutes...CLEAR THE INCOMING NUMBER and re-enter the room whistling or humming....

question her at sometime when she is available to watch the kids for a night...as you have been thinking of taking some time away...but tell her you and she have a clear understanding that OM is not welcome in YOUR home...
don't argue this
don't power struggle this
state it and change the subject...

If you are calling and having difficult conversations on the phone
STOP them
put a rubber band around your wrist if you have to and if you are about to say something crabby pull it till it snaps and burns...

you tell me bigwave...
how creative and charming at the same time can you be...
how mysterious while adorable at the same time...

ARK

very helpful post ARK. Very helpful hints, need to get some more candles on the way home to have on hand.
Actually I may let her tell me when, then tell her it isn't good for us, then give her an alternate night. That way I control the situation.
Right now I can't talk with her on phone, as she always wants to R talk. I know first hand that she isn't entirely happy where she is at.

Also DD will be way better at plan B than I, because she sees it as mom picking him over us,so she will be real helpful. May have to use the rubber band trick next itme.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
bigwave...
round these parts we call it a gum-band!!!!!!!!

If you can pull off what I suggested..
I think having her home...but not "home" is a good thing to do.....

think about it....
ARK

Ark I think I can pull it off.
She won't recognize the place. so that will be major deposits. we shall see

update... no real surprise that I didn't get a call, but I wasn't sitting by the phone anyhow. Besides shes too busy in "Loveland".

bump

Quick update: WW called me at work, sounded absouletly pathetic. Spoke with , no LB...Told her if she could committ to family/marriage with no contact , said come on home, and we can rebuild. She said, It's that simple?" to which I said " no, it's a atart".

quit the relationship building talk..
she got her fix for the day
she knows she can still behave crudely and you are ready to accept if for one more day...

would have been better if you had said..oooh wasn't expecting you to call..,.hey i'm waiting for some friends to call about some plans this weekend...

call me later OK...have a good one...

no more relationship talk..especially if you are in plan A

ark

Thank you ark for setting me straight.
That was the extent of R talk, it was mostly on how much $$ she needs to cough up.
But I will try to stay on course.

Question: no R talk while there with OM right?
If the wayward wants to come home how do you go about this?
When do you R talk if you want to rebuild?

Hi Bigwave...

Something that you said on Brandi9's thread really stuck out for me, and I wanted to address it for you...

You said that you felt as if your WW was just "baiting you"...YOU ARE 100% RIGHT ABOUT THIS!!! It is a total ploy used by all WSes...She wants to pick a fight with you, because if you succumb by screaming and yelling, then that will lend creedence to all the hogwash she's made up about how bad you are...She does this so that she is better able to abandon her original moral values without too much guilt...

Rationalizations and Justifications need to be "fed" for a WS...Sure, they can come up with them on their own, but how much easier it does make things if they can count on you to do it for them...She needs this so that she can live with what, she knows deep down, is really her OWN SLEAZY BEHAVIOR that has nothing to do with you at all...A's are all about self-serving, hedonistic pursuits...On some level all us WSes knew that what we were doing was wrong, we just went on the offensive to see if we could get the BS to take the "rap" for our misdeeds, yuck, I know, but true, nonetheless...

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT WALK INTO THIS TRAP!!! TRUST ME, SHE WILL DO EVERYTHING IN HER POWER TO "INVITE" YOU IN!!! Don't let her behaviors dictate the kind of man that you want to be...Act, Don't React!!!

Mrs. Wondering

Thank you Ms. wondering---- I appreciate your insight. I found this out the hard way. But I am wise to her now, I know deep down she knows all of this is wrong, but like an addict, they can't stop until they wake up or hit bottom.

Killer post Mrs. Wondering; <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thought I'd quickly add WS still involved with OP's pick fights for the following additional reasons which may or may not apply to your situation:

1. To keep OP emotional involved in the drama of your marriage so OP continues to "save them" as their personal knight in shining armor;

2. To keep OP assured that WS is not going back to their marriage (WS has to keep OP secure and interested too);

3. To give OP and WS something to talk about. BS is one thing they have in common and the deceitfullness of the affair contributes to it's intensity for both OP & BS.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering