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Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
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Thank you!! The thing about plan A is that as he will not admit to th affair adn already si ging to be filing for a divorce, what does anything I say or do even matter at this point. I am obviously not getting it. HELP <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
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Get that you need to learn and take action in all matters to protect yourself and your family. Right now you cannot help the WS. Helping the WS equates to enabling the A and destroying your family....so don't help the Ws. Instead ready yourself and watch for sightings of your H fighting to escape from the WS. Learn how to put a trail for your H to follow back to you and your family. Secure your finances, identify your bounardies, implement them, secure your personal support group, give reassurance to your children, let them help you and you them. Present yourself and your family as a single package. Learn to reverse babble. Plan A and plan B is about the BS and for the BS and family. Don't try to help or teach the WS anything. They are aliens, remember?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> L.
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Hi, saving.
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I have to get back up on my feet now to fight the next round.
I just want peace, I do not like fighting anymore.
Am I really fighting for my marriage?
Is it worth it?
I have thought about those questions over and over.
Yes, I do love him.
But I need to know, from all of your experience and all of the emails you have read from my H is this a lost cause?
I do not want to fight for nothing anymore.
I have read the posts and some of the things are exactly like my situation.
But most have ex's now.
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You don't have to fight for your marriage if you don't want to. You can divorce if that is what you want to do. Divorce can be somewhat more peaceful than fighting for your marriage, but that depends on the players.
No one can tell you if it is worth fighting for your marriage but you. You will have to decide.
I don't think your marriage is a lost cause at all. I DO think that unless you protect yourself and the kids, and do it soon, he will never have any respect for you.
You have not been fighting for nothing. If there is one CERTAIN CONSTANT aspect to this whole ordeal, it is the emotional involvement between you and your husband. You can't make any claim as to fighting for 'nothing'. There is a lot of chemistry between you two.
As for the ex's , there are no guarantees. If you work your plan correctly, and calmly, then your chances are as good as they get. A lot, but not all, depends on how you handle the situation. Regardless of how well you do, there is still the factor of the wayward spouse, and there is no controlling him.
The best you can do is to get yourself under control, learn to heed sound advice, and focus on the task ahead of you, rather than getting drawn into whatever the current drama is.
Here is a simple rule for you. The amount of drama in your life, is directly a result of how much drama you allow in your life.
You control the drama. Think about how you can control the drama, even with a screaming wayward spouse.
God bless,
Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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I have read the posts and some of the things are exactly like my situation.
But most have ex's now.
SY, once folks recover thei rmarriage past a certain point they leave these boards. It ceases to be relevent to them. That means that these boards are skewed towards newer posters and those with pervasive problems. We are blessed thata few recovered or long term recoverers stay and offer us teh benefits of their experience.
Gimble, Orchid, Bramblerose who have been helping you are all recovered or very advanced recoverers. They ar enot " do as I say, not as I do" teachers, but they have walked each step you have and will in their own life.
If you read further you will see that teh 'wise head' posters sometimes tell posters that their situation appears hopeless or that shey should consider divorce.
You are being told there is great hope for your situation, but it appears to them ( and me) that there IS great hope.
You MUST control the drama and STUDY !. I know new BS want to bounce off the walls screaming by instinct but instinct is NOT YOUR FRIEND when dealing with an active WS.
Learning that the odds are in your favour AND you can learn TECHNIQUES to help fix your WHs mess is very calming and prepares you for the rollercoaster ride ahead.
Take heart, and calmly review the advice you're recieving.
All blessings.
MB Alumni
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OK, now I am ready to do this.....
I just made arrangements to have H cell phone put into his name not mine, as I just got another $300 cell phone bill.
I know this was a good way of keeping track of his calls with OW, but he is causing me great expense. They will mail me the paperwork today.
Is this a good idea?
I am calling the divorce mediator that Fred wants to use today also, as he thinks this can all be done in one quick meeting when he returns on the 29th. I want to know all of the information beforehand. I need to know my rights, etc.
I do not believe that he can just get a quicky divorce, that is the idea of a mediator. Neither of us have money for an attorney, and if he chooses to waste his money hiring an attorney, I am sure the judge would like to know how he could come up with the fees for the attorney but no money for child support, etc.
That was why i agreed to do this after the move to California, so that we could both have time to think.
I said I would work with him, if a divorce is what he wants, but I will not be rushed into signing things to make everything convenient for him.
I told him that while he is in California he should just take care of business himself, if this is what he wants to do. I am sure the mediator there, once being told he has 8 kids and no job will be thrilled to rush a divorce for him.
I really want to move back to California, but right now, as he has no job, the best thing for me would be to still have him sign the paperwork to sell the house when I am ready. I do not need to tell him my plans of staying here, but having him sign the papers gives me alot of freedom.I will just assume that I will be here in NH for another long winter. It is pointless for me to just sell my house and have nowhere to move to.
Once he gets a job, I can reasses the situation.
The 401K money, I have a letter from him telling me to go ahead and take care of it, he also wants part of the money which is why he is so willing to have me go ahead and do it.
This money if i am careful can last me several months, so that I will not be so behind with all of my bills.
My boundaries.
NO MORE ABUSIVE PHONE CALLS OR EMAILS!!!
I printed up all of his emails and put them in a very safe place, just in case I need them later on.
I did notice a difference in his attitude after hanging up the phone on him about 4 times when he crossed the line. he called a couple hours later, he was lonley and wanted to talk about California.
I started the conversation with"If you cross my boundary, the phone will be hung up again". He was actually polite.
Now for the hard part.....
He will be here in 17 days, and I really do want him to have a nice visit with the children.
I will make plans to see friends, keep busy, and stay out of his way.
I have already told him I do not want any relationship or divorce talk.
The children are our priority and they have not seen their Dad in a long time.
I have already checked the calendar I will not be premenstrual when he is here, so I will be alot calmer and self controlled.
I do not want to be nasty, or fight with him in any way.
I gotta learn that reverse babble stuff!!
Can you please tell me what else I should be doing?
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
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Explain to me what you mean by sign of H escaping from WS?
I do believe if I can make this visit as pleasant as possible, he will have something to think about when he leaves again.
I have to make sure that I do not justify his reasons for a divorce by my actions.
If I can be firm, no needy stuff or clingy emotional stuff, and him having unlimited time with the kids, I think it will be a good thing.
His mother is going home on October 7th, so I will see if maybe I can try and rent out the apartment.
I need all of the help I can get, I do not want to lose my marriage, I do think there is hope for us.
it is sometimes hard to believe so when he is screaming his hatred down the phone and telling me that all bets are off, and he wants a divorce ASAP. He laughed at me when I suggested marriage councelling!
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
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OK, I am ready, but I need step by step directions.
Please do not give up on me.
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
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S_M I wrote you my advice, echoed by others : W, you need to detach yourself from your WHs mess. Calmly study MB and its principles. Knowledge is power for a BS. I know this.
You will learn, if you study calmly, that your WH is not capable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. NOT CAPABLE even if he wanted. Not with OW , you, God or even his own reflection. Its called "fog" and most WS are affected. They are spiteful, blaming, entitled, justifying, lying, betraying ...emotive words, but factual ones..because they can't help it for a while during their obsession with the fantasy of their affair.
Once the fantasy starts to subside they can't face the encreaching realization that what they did was evil and unjustifiable and so divert their spite outwards, usually at the BS.
You just made the fantasy uworkable by exposing, and we all told you to expect spite fom your WH.
Its not a time for being a pathetic mess now FW, that won';t atrract your WH back home. Thats not being a 'lighthouse' that ANY ship would follow to safety.
I remember the instinct I had to blame myself for everything, because I could control ME but my WS would not take any responsibility whatsoever. FW, that just adds to teh injustice of youe WHs affair. Point responsibility acurately. Sure you may have manured the soil in your M for an affair BUT you IN NO WAY forced him to have an affair.
You think he cried guiltily in OWs arms crying " I am so unhappy, my BS forced me to do this, I cannot perform !".
Bollocks ! as we say in England !
He was there because his desires overwhelmed his self control and morality NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with you.
Calm down and STUDY so you will learn just how boringly predctable affairs are even your WHs. Focus on YOU and your kids, while your WH thrashes and snaps. It is important to follow exposure with a strong plan A.
Yes I know you don;t feel like it, but that is why Plan A is a heroes gig. You have be strongest when you are weakest.
And suicide ? Aww, I tried that one. If I'd been a fw inches further to the left a year ago I would have missed out my FANTASTIC life now where my baby loves me, is a great mother once more, a great wife to me, totally repentant and working hard on a new marriage with me.
Read my story to see what a demon my Squid became for MONTHS and how VICIOUSLY she responded to expoure. JUST as bad as your WH.
FW, the affair was all about your WH, and what HE wanted. recovery s all about YOU and what life YOU want for yourself and your kids.
Have a pity party if you want, but wake up soon and start teh grit work that will recovery your life and yoru marriage.
Study.
Plan A
Loving detachment
Self respect. I know you want a magic bullet, butthere isn't one. But it is SO POWERFUL when you understand the dynamics of affairs. WHs behaviour can be predicted like the symptoms of a disease once you now and it helps you be calm, to detach and to be a 'lighthouse' to guide your WH aback into a responsible life. Nobody gives up on anybody here as long as they don't give up on themselves. All blessings !
MB Alumni
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When your H treats you as he should by working with your good and bad points, is when he is your H. You want to show love, care and concern with this character (your H).
When he is acting like a Ws and insulting your good side, then you need to stay away from him. No teaching a WS, ok?
You are dealing with 2 distinct characters. Will change from one to the other in a split second. You need to get smart and recognize which character you are dealing with and adjust accordingly.
Have you ever had to deal with a split personality before? Takes practice. Reverse babble and a good plan A, then plan B if needed helps. Make sure you do your reading. Surviving an Affair, His needs/Her needs and in your case add in Love must be tough (this one is by Dr. Dobson). The 1st 2 are by Dr. Harley.
L.
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Just so I got it.....
When the good twin is around, I can treat him as such, respectful, kind, etc.
When the evil twin is lurking, then back off!!!!!
Kinda like training a dog!
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
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Just so I got it.....
When the good twin is around, I can treat him as such, respectful, kind, etc.
When the evil twin is lurking, then back off!!!!!
Kinda like training a dog! Bingo! L.
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Hi, saving.
By all means, let him pay for his own cell phone, especially give your financial position.
Quote:
================================
.I will just assume that I will be here in NH for another long winter. It is pointless for me to just sell my house and have nowhere to move to.
Once he gets a job, I can reasses the situation.
================================
Good plan.
Quote:
=================================
My boundaries.
NO MORE ABUSIVE PHONE CALLS OR EMAILS!!!
=================================
Outstanding!!
Quote:
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I printed up all of his emails and put them in a very safe place, just in case I need them later on.
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That's very good. Do make sure it isn't a place he might guess.
Quote:
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I did notice a difference in his attitude after hanging up the phone on him about 4 times when he crossed the line. he called a couple hours later, he was lonley and wanted to talk about California.
I started the conversation with"If you cross my boundary, the phone will be hung up again". He was actually polite.
=================================
Now you are cooking with gas!
Quote:
==================================
Now for the hard part.....
He will be here in 17 days, and I really do want him to have a nice visit with the children.
I will make plans to see friends, keep busy, and stay out of his way.
I have already told him I do not want any relationship or divorce talk.
The children are our priority and they have not seen their Dad in a long time.
I have already checked the calendar I will not be premenstrual when he is here, so I will be alot calmer and self controlled.
I do not want to be nasty, or fight with him in any way.
I gotta learn that reverse babble stuff!!
Can you please tell me what else I should be doing?
==================================
That already sounds like a good Plan A. Please do abstain from sex with him, for obvious reasons, okay?
If you do the things you outlined, and don't let him draw you into his drama or into a conflict, you will be the poster child for Plan A. I mean that in all sincerity.
God bless,
Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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You are funny!! Abstain from sex?? I have forgotten what sex is! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He hasn't touched me in 9 months! That is how I think that I knew something was up, he had a very high sex drive, and from the first day he announced the divorce, that was the end of it. He said he didn't want to confuse the issues.Believe me I tried everything! Thank you for your advice, I really mean it. I know it sometimes takes me a while to get the hang of things, but I want my marriage back, and I do not want to walk away knowing that I did not try.
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
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I like your new name... you are so much more than just Fred's wife. You are an amazing woman that is not losing sight of her children's best interests in this drama. Your H might have been a great guy, but your WH? What kind of a sleazy rat bag abandons his wife and 8 children? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Show that H a lighthouse, but show no mercy for that scumbag!
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
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I just applied for a substitute teaching position at the local school.
I am scared, but feel good that I am doing something to get myself out of my mess.
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
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>I just applied for a substitute teaching position at the local school.
Way cool! You are doing better than you think!
- Kimmy
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Hi, savingm.
That's good news, and if you don't get the position, keep on until you find something you like and an employer that likes you. It is a good thing to know you are not powerless.
God bless,
Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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Holy Moley Saving....
Are you SURE this is the same woman I talked to on Sunday? Goodness, out there applying for jobs and everything - way to go!!!!!
Regards,
BB
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