I am more then happy to make amicable arrangements with you.
I do not want a divorce, but I said I would work with you.
The house is our only asset, I agreed to your arrangement.
Filing for a divorce in New Hampshire and trying to rush things into a one week visit is ridiculous. I have sent Greg an email asking him for his advice, which I have also forwarded to you.
I will email you back his response, or you can call him yourself.
Perhaps you should go and make an appointment for yourself for a free legal consultation in California this week and see about your rights.
You can begin the paperwork there for a legal separation and once you have established residency for 6 months the divorce can be filed.
This can be done through mediation.
This way you will protect your legal assets, child custody and all of the other things involved.
I understand that you are absolutely final with your decision to divorce me, but you are rushing into everything without even knowing the law or the procedures.
Divorces can take up to a year, they do not happen in a week.
I do not want any more threatening voice mails about me being a criminal, or any references to my mental health.
I am not a schyzophrenic, I am not a deranged animal, or a monster and you keep insulting me and talking to me like dirt.
You rationalize this and justify this because you want to bring the last 20 years into the equation. You had a part to play also.
So far it has been me making all of the apologies, but i guess you did nothing wrong, ever.
You were the perfect husband in every way.
I am glad for you that you are finally making goals for your life, and making a plan.
But you need to learn about forgivness and let me be free of the constant reminders of the past.
You need to just deal with the facts of the situation from now on.
Deal with today, not what happened in the past.
If it gives you so much power to hold my "criminal activities" over my head, then just tell your friends to go ahead and press charges.
If this will make you feel better, then have me thrown in a cell.Use the money from the sale of the house for my legal fees, and then have the kids pit in foster care.
I will no longer live my life in fear.
If you feel you need to call Dr.XXXX, then do it.
I too do not want to be threatened anymore by you.
I do not want to be yelled at down the phone as you have been frequently doing.
I do not want to be berrated for the rest of my life.
Again, I am willing to work with you, I agreed to the house situation, and I agreed to the divorce.
Can you now leave things alone.
Also, you promised no more calls without an appointment, you did this to me on purpose to bait me into a fight with you.
Stop pushing me and dragging me down.
I am really trying to get my act together and you are not helping.

yes

His response:
What infuriates me is your self-righteousness in your messages and in your responses when it comes to your behavior. You still have not grasped what you did to me and others . You have no idea how much ****** you made me eat. You get a little whiff of discomfort and you say I am being abusive. How do you think you would stand up to your own brand of abuse? I have not yelled at you. At best I have been trying to talk over your rantings.

I am on a laser site focus about what I want. You are either going to work with me or against me. There is no middle ground.

There doesn't have to be an ugly confrontation when it comes to the divorce. You don't have to threaten me with the elements of law and what I should pay and how much you could take and paying for everything. I AM GONNA BE LIVING IN A SLUM AND YOU GET TO LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH MY CHILDREN. Don't be so smug. You treated me like ****** for 20 years and you get a house. Life is fair isn't it?

All I want is peace and to be legally free of your madness. I want to be left alone. Don't you get it. EVERYTIME I try and play fair and nice and patient with you, you have to bite back. You have to act uncivil and THEN CALL ME RUDE! You are infuriating. You truly don't see how you behave.

You don't need to solicit advocates for yourself. Greg Hassle is not a pastor. This isn't Chatsworth. (I know how you work.) You get a form. We agree to the terms. We get a paralegal to notarize it and submit it to the courts. THAT'S IT.

No one gives a ****** about marriage counselling. You are grasping at desperate straws. LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY... I don't want to be married to you. I will parent with you, but I don't want to be married to you for one more day than is necessary. I am sick of your threats and your lies and your manipulations and your delays and your irrationalities.

Even when you say you need to shut up and be still, you still don't do it. Today was a great example of how terrible you are at submittig yourself with humility to the one you offended. (If you happen to be a Christian this week, this is considered actions in keeping with repentance.) That's why I call you arrogant. You have a dramatic "I'm sorry" and you think your penance is paid. Yo have no respect for me. YOU HAVE NEVER LOVED ME. This only continues to prove my point.

You treated me with utter disrespect after I spoke to you calmly and repectfully. THEN you had to accuse me of trying to do something under-handed. YOU ARE PARANOID. Don't you see it? Even when you get your way, you still are choosing to make my life a living ******.

Thanks for your love again.

Good, then he can do that over there.
CA awards alimony, NH doesn't.

For the last few days all i can think about is my inevitable divorce.
I didn't want it to be this way.
I pushed the matter with the exposure now I am screwd.
I have to tell my kids that I ruined their lives.
I did this to them.
I couldn;t just be still, and leave things alone.
I meddled and interfered.
I could have kept my mouth shut, and just ignored H until after I got what I wanted.
I couldn;t do it.
I had absolutely no self control in the matter.
I allowed Barbra to become an obsession and it now has destroyed me.
Yes, what my H has done is wrong, and I know it, but I handled it all wrong.
I just let myself get caight up in my emotions.
I have dealt this life to myself, and now I just want to run away.
I allowed myself to stoop to a place where I have lost all of my dignity and self respect.
There is nothing I can do anymore, I give up.
He has made it clear that divorce is inevitable, whether it is filed here or in CA.
It doesn't matter.
He is right about me, I am a horrible person, I allowed my fears and insecurities to control my life.
I have become a person that I hate and I do not want o live like this anymore.
I children that love me and need me but I have no more strength to carry on this road to ******.
He was right about me, I have allowed myself to beome an ugly and hurtful person, mainly due to lack of self control.
I did this all to him.
If I had been a better wife, if I had payed more attention to him, if I had learned how to love him properly, if I had learned how to communicate better then none of this would have happened.
I lived in fear and survival mode.
Look what it got me, nothing.
I feel like I am now in ******.
There is nothing more i can do, I do not want to live like this.
I do not like myself for what has happened.
I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
My consequences are severe, and I did this.
I loved my husband so much and never showed him.
I can not prove anything anymore, as he will never ever give me another chance.
I don't give a rip about the finances, the house or anyting else.
I allowed this to happen, it was all by my hand and now I have become some ugly, emotional, disgusting person.
If I had doen the right thing, and focused on me and becoming a better person, I may have had a chance to win back my husband, but I didn't let go.
I want to die, because I do not have the emotional strength to take care of myself anymore or my precious children.
But I am too afraid to die because I love them so much and they deserve a better mother, one who did not push their dad away.
Fred was a good man, and he loved me.
He was the only one who ever loved me and I screwed it up.
No apologies will ever bring him back.
Thanks you for all of your help, your advice, but i think now it is too late for me, and plan A/Bdoesn't matter.
A foolish woman tears down her own house, and that is what i have done.
Again thank you all of being so helpful, I appreciate all of your time and your efforts to help me.

fredswife ~ bunk.

You played your part in the condition of your marriage. You did not 'cause' the affair and your husband's outrageous horrible behavior right now. Don't you dare take responsibility for what he has CHOSEN to do.

If you were so horrible, why did he wait until he was cheating before suddenly wanting out?

If you were this evil person you describe, then he could have gotten away from you long ago.

Pull yourself together and start following the advice you've been given. It may or may not save your marriage. The thing is, if the worst happens and you end up divorced, the advice we've given you will allow you to go through this with dignity and respect. You will be able to hold your head high and know you did everything to the best of your ability.

This is why you MUST stop reading your husband's emails. STOP conversing with him!

DON'T YOU DARE TAKE YOURSELF FROM YOUR CHILDREN.

That is the most UNLOVING thing you can do.

I want you to do something RIGHT now. NOW as in as soon as you read this response.

Call this number, 1-800-273-8255 and TALK to the people who answer the phone about how you are feeling.

FW, you need to detach yourself from your WHs mess. Calmly study MB and its principles. Knowledge is power for a BS. I know this.

You will learn, if you study calmly, that your WH is not capable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. NOT CAPABLE even if he wanted. Not with OW , you, God or even his own reflection. Its called "fog" and most WS are affected. They are spiteful, blaming, entitled, justifying, lying, betraying ...emotive words, but factual ones..because they can't help it for a while during their obsession with the fantasy of their affair.

Once the fantasy starts to subside they can't face the encreaching realization that what they did was evil and unjustifiable and so divert their spite outwards, usually at the BS.

You just made the fantasy uworkable by exposing, and we all told you to expect spite fom your WH.
Its not a time for being a pathetic mess now FW, that won';t atrract your WH back home. Thats not being a 'lighthouse' that ANY ship would follow to safety.

I remember the instinct I had to blame myself for everything, because I could control ME but my WS would not take any responsibility whatsoever. FW, that just adds to teh injustice of youe WHs affair. Point responsibility acurately. Sure you may have manured the soil in your M for an affair BUT you IN NO WAY forced him to have an affair.

You think he cried guiltily in OWs arms crying " I am so unhappy, my BS forced me to do this, I cannot perform !".

Bollocks ! as we say in England !

He was there because his desires overwhelmed his self control and morality NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with you.

Calm down and STUDY so you will learn just how boringly predctable affairs are even your WHs. Focus on YOU and your kids, while your WH thrashes and snaps. It is important to follow exposure with a strong plan A.

Yes I know you don;t feel like it, but that is why Plan A is a heroes gig. You have be strongest when you are weakest.

And suicide ? Aww, I tried that one. If I'd been a fw inches further to the left a year ago I would have missed out my FANTASTIC life now where my baby loves me, is a great mother once more, a great wife to me, totally repentant and working hard on a new marriage with me.

Read my story to see what a demon my Squid became for MONTHS and how VICIOUSLY she responded to expoure. JUST as bad as your WH.

FW, the affair was all about your WH, and what HE wanted. recovery s all about YOU and what life YOU want for yourself and your kids.

Have a pity party if you want, but wake up soon and start teh grit work that will recovery your life and yoru marriage.

Study.
Plan A
Loving detachment
Self respect.

All blessings FW.

Very good points!

Fredswife, I am very new to this, but I do understand where you are. I have felt like I have screwed up this marraige repair business pretty bad myself. But heck, it wasn't my idea to introduce the affair that needed repairing! I am not sure that we will make it, and my WH seems to act like your WH at times. I realized something last night. This hurts so bad because I really did/do love him. I am not the cold hearted witch he tells me. I love him and that is why I am so angry and hurt.

This gives me hope. Even if we cannot move past this due to his alien brain, I know that I am capable of love. I tend to believe the cold hearted wife theory, but no-all I tend was love and trust. And if that is where I am wrong, then I can hold my head up knowing that I was a good wife.

Sometimes I think that my WH is actually dissapointed that I am sticking it out, me kicking hiim out would have been easier on everyone.

Do not let the alien defeat you. You have acted out of desperation, hurt and anger that all comes from the fact that you love your husband. Be proud of that at least, you acted out of love.

I am also battling depression which I have a history of. I refuse to let him make me crazy. He tells people I am crazy to justify his actions, I cannot let him dictate who I am anymore. I will not let my daughters see me letting a man make me crazy. Crazy is easier for me, I would love to just mentally check out. But I still have a whole lot of living to do. WH may not love me at all, why would I let him ruin me?

Please, get some help, love yourself, give yourself a break. You did the very best you knew to do with the cards he dealt you. He doesn't get to be the dealer anymore.

Fredswife,

I have no advice to offer re: your WH except to say that I heard the same things from my now XH and he has since told me how wrong he was and how sorry he is for having treated me the way he did.

Now, you need to buckle up here - your children depend on you. Do you want to leave them for WH to raise? NO! You can do this. You are playing right into your WH's hands - don't let him win. If you need someone to talk to, I have unlimited long distance - post here that you would like to talk and I will post my e-mail address so that you can e-mail me your phone number.

Regards,

BB

Regards,

BB

Yes please

FW, If you were getting counseling you would find out you're getting gas-lighted by your husband. You need a period of time with ZERO contact with him to find out really who you are, completely independent of who he says you are.

I have a friend who's ex-husband has been trying to get her to marry him; and he tells her the same GARBAGE about her that Fred is telling you - and he wants to marry her again! She has enough people around her like me who are supporting her in not buying into the abuse, but it is so hard!!

Call Brit! And then go dark on your husband. Once you get to the place where you will not take him back until he gets therapy, you'll know you are no longer taking HIS mental illness personally.

And yes, he's mental!

Good book for you to study EVERY word - "THE FOUR AGREEMENTS" by don Miguel Ruiz. Practice the 2nd agreement in particular - and do it today!

Fredswife,

My e-mail is legalbeagle86@hotmail.com - e-mail me your phone number and I will call you.

BB

Thank you so much, I needed that!!!!

I would like to read the book, but the library is closed today,a dn I have no money to buy amyting right now.
But i will add it to my list

I am SO glad you changed your name - very fitting! No rush to get the book - go when the library is open...I think it will give you some ideas on how to handle Fred!

Big Hugs,

BB

Wonderful. I'm so glad to see your name change!!!!

If you don't mind my asking, what book?

Codependent No More....

Excellent choice.

Gimble are you terribly dissapointed in me?
You have been such a huge help, and I have tried to listen.
Even my H told me I don't listen.
I have to get back up on my feet now to fight the next round.
I just want peace, I do not like fighting anymore.
Am I really fighting for my marriage?
Is it worth it?
I have thought about those questions over and over.
Yes, I do love him.
But I need to know, from all of your experience and all of the emails you have read from my H is this a lost cause?
I do not want to fight for nothing anymore.
I have read the posts and some of the things are exactly like my situation.
But most have ex's now.

Hi, saving.

I'm sorry I missed the helping earlier, but I am glad you are somewhat back to normal.

No, I am not disappointed in you. You are walking a tough road. Bob Pure almost put his car into a tree before he came to his senses.

I'm sorry that I haven't been around much today, I am afraid that I have a lot on my plate today business-wise.

It looks like others have taken very good care of you.

Your marriage is not a lost cause.

I will get back to you later this evening with some details. Please stay calm and collected. Your kids need you, so does your wayward husband.

God bless,
Gimble