Woo Hoo!! Congratulations!! That is wonderful news...Keep us posted!!

Had great EMDR session.
Working on getting rid of any anger associated with the whole A.
It suddenly dawned on me.....
I have 8 kids, really good kids.(and cute too)
All straight A students, good attitudes, obedient.
S18 got full scholarship for College, both teens never been in trouble with sex, drugs, school, etc. Both virgins, and awesome people.
They wouldn't have turned out this way if I was a screw up!!! If I was so mental, or a psycho, my kids would surely be affected by it.
Also H sent me a text thanking me for my encouragement.
Last week he told me that he felt it was creepy that I would be so encouraging to him, now he thanks me.
Got the info I needed for paralegal school, it will take me about 2 years, but I can do this!!!
If H wants to come along for the ride, he is more then welcome, I would love it, but I am not going to beg.

Need help analyzing something again.....
As you know this past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster ride.
I am sticking to the boundaries, and he is for the most part also follwing them.
This is my NEW question for you.
I think it is guilt, but what do I know!

He has spent the past few days doing research and looking for schools and houses in the area.
I mean literally visiting the schools, and making this a project.
Today he called me to ask me a question about something pertaining to a house listing he had sent.
Anyway, he mentions this one thing each time he calls.
"I am not trying to screw you over, I am really trying to help you and the kids find a nice place to live".
I just respond " thank you I appreciate all of the work you are doing".

WHY IS HE DOING THIS?????
Last week I was the scum of the earth, now he is going out of his way. And he still hasn't filed the legal stuff yet.
But it is only Wednesday!

Because he's following the script of the WS.

On exposure:

Every WS declares that the marriage is "now" finished and that the BS has ruined any chance of reconcilitation.

Every WS declares that they will be filing for a fast divorce.

The reality is, after the immediate anger, they all want the BS to file for that fast divorce because all that work takes too much time away from the affair and they figure that the BS owes them the divorce.

Heehee.

The smart BS gets really stupid and lazy and ungratefully and selfishly forget where the courthouse is. (IF there is no threat to the family resources and the kids - if thats the case,then the BS goes and files for the terms that suit the BS!).

Thats the script hun.

Hmmmm, hadn't thought about that.
I did spend time figuring out what I wanted and I am sticking to that.

But why is he looking at houses, schools etc for me and the kids, and talking about not screwing me over, that he is just being a nice guy?

my H is also being a "nice guy" he said he would let me buy him out of our house for a reasonable price and would let me keep both dogs.....

now i know it's because of many reasons...none that are really about me:
1. it makes him feel good...like he still tried to take care of you

2. he gets money NOW so that he can get his own house with...guess who

3. he can tell everyone "what a ggod guy is is" and they will think...he doesn't even love her anymore...and look at how awful she's been to expose his affair and everything...and he's still being so kind

for your sake...I hope it's for the RIGHT reasons

because on this roller coaster ride...that's a real possibility too!

I think he is trying to prove himself to be a nice guy, and I think it is to put me and the little kids in a nice little package so he can ease his conscience and know in his mind he did the right thing, regardless of the fact that I ruined his life.
"she" already has a house, and supposedly are done.
He really wouldn't get any money from the house, I figured that one out too!!!

Hi, saving.

Why is he not getting a job?

He wants to look good while he continues the very thing he should not be doing.

Now, a hard pill for you to swallow, but I want you to consider this and take it in stride. There is a good chance that he will not follow his plan to come home. If you are funneling him any money, you need to stop, it will just further enable the affair. He needs to be home so that he can get a job.

The practical side of all this (at least how it seems to me), is that the move to CA is for now, a pipe dream that can be realized only if you don't mind being dirt poor with an unreliable husband, or you are independently wealthy and have resources not mentioned here. That means he needs to be where you can work on the marriage, and provide for his family. Providing for his family is his LEGAL obligation. Please make sure it is enforced.

Sorry I am so late getting back to you. One of the joys of owning your own business is never knowing what it will demand of you at any given moment.

You sound well, saving. Hang in there.

God bless,
Gimble

Back into his depression slump!
This has happened before during various times of unemployment.
I don't have any money to give him!!
I know his mother is helping him.
I have asked her to please stop!
He spoke to the kids yesterday, said he was looking forward to his visit with them.
As I mentioned to you before, his return flight is open-ended.
I do not know how long this visit will be, as he has nothing to go back to, no job, no money.
Working on the marriage! Ha! you jest!
He wants a divorce, remember!!!!
IF his brother and Mother are planning on helping him out even more, there really isn't much I can do.
H is staying in his mothers room, as she is returning home oct 7, I don't think my SIL wants both of them there.

Just having a moment to vent......
I really do not want a divorce, I want my marriage saved.
I want to put this whole episode behind "us" and start over.
I am working on forgivness, and I do not want to go through my life being bitter and angry.
I guess I will have to see what happens when my H finally crashes and burns.
He is probably at one of the lowest points of his life, and I want to support him but not enable him.
Does that make sense?
I want him to see me for who I really am, not the enemy, but his wife who really does love him.
As the womsn who has been by his side for 20 years, maybe not handling everything as I should have done, but always by his side.
His visit home will be a challenge for me, as the man who will be here may be like a complete stranger.
Maybe this is where we could begin to build a friendship and learn to talk again.
Am I expecting too much?
I know that if he is quiet during his visit and distant I need to give him his space, and not push the issues.
No talks of OW, no talk of divorce, just neutral things.
I will not allow myself to be baited into a fight, and will have self control with my mouth and my actions.
When he does something positive, I need to be encouraging, maybe some ego boosters, but nothing over the top.
This is all a balancing act right now, just trying to be "me" regardless of what he does.
This also means no drama, staying calm.
UGHHHH!!!
This is all so complicated, so much hard work.
This is me trying to prove to my H that I am worth another chance.
The ironic thing is that shouldn't he be the one making ammends?
I want him to change his mind about our relationship, but I know everything will take time.
When he leaves I want him to have alot to think about, I want him to leave knowing that things could be so different.
I want him to see how the kids need him and love him so much, and that if he chooses to continue this life choice for himself, he will be destroying a family out of his own selfishness.
Do you ever think he will really get it??

"He has spent the past few days doing research and looking for schools and houses in the area.
I mean literally visiting the schools, and making this a project.
Today he called me to ask me a question about something pertaining to a house listing he had sent."

I'm getting confused here. Your husband still has no job, is that correct? Why would he be looking at houses and schools?

He doesn't have a family history of any mental diseases does he? He reminds me of my bi-polar daughter.

My husband is in major mid life crisis mode.
It is like having a mental illness!!
Today I spoke with my sister in law and we had a discussion about things.
I told her that I appreciate the fact that she and her husband have let my H live there while he looks for a job, but the free ride is now over.
NO more enabling!!
He will be here on September 29th and he has better be bringing all of his ****** home with him. What he cannot carry, they will ship out to him.
He needs to come home, face up to his responsibilities, get a job and take care of his children.
I am willing to get a job during the day, he can work at night.
He can still do job searches until he finds a good paying job, but at least do somethng to bring some income into the family.
He has had a 12 week vacation and the free ride is now over.
He has left our family in complete devastation.
I want my marriage to work, but I know for right now he wants a divorce.
Maybe a good dose of reality will open up his eyes a bit!

SM...
I've quickly read through your thread....a couple of things come to mind.

Your WH will need to crash, as all Addicts will sooner or later....at that point, if you have done your homework, have yourself in a healthy place and have tucked away in a safe place those tender feelings you once had for your H.....you will be ready to begin the recovery process.

The drama will prolong this process.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT play into the disrespect and name calling that I have seen here...."sleazy rat bag, scum bag"...etc., it will do more to burn out that love that still remains for your WH....these names will be on your mind when you see WH....your anger will show through even though you are working hard to be pleasant...Sure WH may not be a nice person right now....but HE is the one who is lost....he is the one who needs the lighthouse to guide him back....and there is a very good chance that this will happen.

NO Drama....No lecturing, teaching, demands, etc.... hold firm to your boundaries in a calm and respectful manner....keep your household and children in a routine....stay focused and begin your inner healing....no matter what happens you will be alright!

How do I know this? I, like a lot of folks here...have walked this road before you.
It took 2 years....2 LONG years of WH's anger, my anger....and a Divorce....but WH finally did crash....and fortunately for all of us....I had kept on a healing track, kept learning, trying to understand...I had tucked away the love I had for my H....and when it was time....I was able to reach out and he was ready to take hold of my hand.....together we are putting our family and our lives back together...

Does everyone understand how I could do that? Probably not. But that's not my concern. Was I honest with everyone all along the way...yes...I wanted to save my marriage....so when the time came, it wasn't that much of a surprise to them....well, maybe it was....

But anyways...remember this....no matter how bad it "looks"....the road your WH has chosen is wrought with guilt, shame, anger, indicision and confusion.....he'll need to work through that and it may not be pretty. SO it's important to protect yourself from that. Now is the time to put your best foot forward...for you and your children(and WH)....show your strength....your compassion....your ability to move forward despite this incredible challenge.

I do know that even if my FWXH did not come home...I was going to be alright....but I didn't know that at first...I had a lot to learn!!

Your WH's visit home may be a good thing....but don't expect miracles....don't get discouraged. My WH would be adament about being happier with the OW and then would show signs of wanting to come back... and then he would retreat again to the A....it can be extremely frustrating and can set u back....so again try to protect yourself from that kind of hurt....You should begin thinking Plan B....in hind sight, I could have done a better job at protecting myself.

Take care SM....there's some good advice on this site....it can be a good place to vent....but more importantly you need a plan and a good solid understanding of what's happening and why, there are chemicals at work here....Try..."Why we Love", by Helen Fischer.

Peace

I do not want him to shut me out, so that is why I am working on ME.
I do not want to be angry, I am more dissapointed.
I also love this man very deeply, and I know he is hurting.
I want him to see that I can be the person that he has been looking for.
I do not want any more drama in my life, I think I have had enough to last a lifetime!!
I just want peace for now.
My hearts desire is that when he comes home he will see all that he has left behind.
I do not know how long he plans on staying, but I do know that I will NOT be the one to ruin the visit with my big mouth.
I know he is also very hurt, I know now that half of the things he says are not true.
I know he is too scared to tell me the truth, BUT that is because I have never made it safe, I always reacted with anger, or harsh words.
I do not want to be that person anymore, and am learning with my therapist "tools" to help me.
I am praying that God would do a mighty work in my life, so that the past can remain in the past.

I need some tips on how to make his visit home productive.
I do not want to talk about OW or relationship stuff.
I do not want to discuss the divorce.
I think because he is in depression mode right now, and feeling very sorry for himself, he may bring up some of these subjects.
I do not want to discount how he is feeling, but I also do not want to be baited into anymore fights.

saving,

I've been following your thead. I am awed by your strength of character. I must admit I am totally floored and dumbfounded about a man that would dump his wife and 8 children.

Mid-life-crisis? Puh-Lease? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Did the vet neuter him before he was set free in the neighborhood? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

How to make his visit home productive? What a joke! you must have a whole list of things that he could do to be productive and make himself useful to you and the children!

You don't want to talk about the OW or R stuff? Do you even have time for this?

You don't want to talk about divorce? can your H afford to pay someone to take over his responsibilies for a wife, 8 children, and a household? If so, take the money and run.

It's a little late for him to reconsider the life he has built for himself.

I am sorry, saving, but your rat of a WH makes me incredibly angry and I am probably not giving you very much productive advice.

I sure hope your WH gets beamed back up to the mothership soon, and that in his place you will find the H that you and your children need and deserve.

This is not what I need right now!!
I am working on myself, I do not need things to fuel my anger and disgust. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
What will it get me to be hateful?
What will it get me if I can not forgive?
I lost my marriage because I could never "let go" of things.
I spent my life being angry, and taking for granted the man that God gave to me.
I am ashamed of many of my actions, and probably did every single love buster.
Now is not the time to seek revenge.
I do not want to be that person anymore.
My marriage right now is hanging in the balance, and being a ****** is not going to help me to save it.
I can not stop my husband from divorcing me, but I can change who I am , and who I hope to be, so that I can stop justyfing his reasons for wanting a divorce.

I am sorry, savingmyself!

I am so angry at my own situation and I just hate to see you in yours!!! sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of just 2 children, an aging MIL, work, household, garden... You've got so much more on your plate. I just can't imagine how you cope. You are quite an amazing woman.

I'll keep my mouth shut. You are right, Plan A is not about anger, it is about self improvement. It's about offering an attractive alternative to the OW.

Please just know that I am praying for you, your children, and your H. (But I still see your WH as a spineless worm, a seperate person from your H and father of your children, and he still makes me angry).

My mouth is now zippered.

Saving Myself,
You go girl! No more helpless victim, feeling sorry for yourself thinking! Wonderful progress in just a few weeks.

Before your husband gets home, get your long term goals CRYSTAL CLEAR in your head. Write them down if you have to, and keep them in your pocket at all times. When he gets home there is no telling how he will act, he could try to make you miserable since he is, he might say horrible things- who knows. But instead of responding to his emotions, and getting defensive, or being hurt- you stay focused on those values. Base all your words and actions off of those goals. Keep looking forward, not back. He will try to engage you in old habits, he will push your buttons, he will try to get those old reactions out of you so he can say, "I told you that you are unstable,... etc"
But you have the secret weapon-you know the WH script that has been played a thousand times on this board. Your husband is acting the part perfectly. What he doesn't know is that you are not acting too- you are the director. You know where the dialog is going, and you know what to do.
Keep studing here, and practice your reverse babble. Think through all the things he might say, and have your calm, loving responses planned. Prepare yourself for the worst things that can be thrown at you, and let them just bounce off. He can say and do whatever he wants, but only you decide if you let it mess with your head.

I'm excited for you, because you can totally change the environment in your home just by your attitude. Think of how you were when he left...Fredswife...now imagine him walking through the door to Saving Myself....huge difference.

Good Luck!

Thats OK, I forgive you.
We are all hurting.
BUT I need to rise above the pain and work on what is important.
I have spent my life in pain, and never forgiving people, because I didn't want to be vulnerable, I wanted them to hurt as much as they hurt me.
It got me nothing.
It only made me miserable.
In some ways I feel that God is taking me through the fire to refine me and make me into something that he can finally be proud of.
That is why I come here to vent, rather then take it out my H.
The place where his head is right now could not possibly understand how I am feeling.
I am willing to bet he is expecting to walk through the door and come face to face with a major ******.
He is probably already preparing himself for a major confrontation, and ways of defending himself.
His defences will be high.
My secret weapon....love.