>BUT I need to rise above the pain and work on what is important.


This is what saved ME and enabled me to garner the strength to keep paddling thru the murk.

>In some ways I feel that God is taking me through the fire to refine me and make me into something that he can finally be proud of.


Exactly! BUT: God did not choose this for you. He chose YOU for wh because he thought you could handle this. Another person might've thrown in the towel a long time ago. Now conversely, God has made similar choices for wh - BUT it is not up to you or God whether OW or WH learn anything from this. But we can pray that they do.

>My secret weapon....love.

Ah. That's the best one!

I've got my cheer outfit on and pom poms ready. We're rootin' for ya!

- Kimmy

PLEASE keep my family in your prayers!!
This is going to be one long journey, and i am hoping to eventually get my pot of gold

H called me this morning, wanted me to go online and help him to find some houses in the school district that he chose for the kids.
He was pleasant, and talkative, so I played along.
He actually looked at a couple of the houses from the outside, and we talked about them and the schools.
At one point in the conversation he mentioned that the house was on a busy street, but the price was good, and the house needed a little TLC... he said,
"Hey, for the price, I could live on this street, and it would be OK" He was talking about himself.
I guess it was just a slip of the tongue, I didn't say a word.
During the conversation, he seemed alot like himself, even called me babe, but then I guess reality snuck back in and he started to get a little irritable with me and my map skills.
Mentioned that he realized that the few times we had gotten lost on various trips was because of my inability to read a map.
My answer.......
Guess I'd better work on that....
Hey, have you eaten yet?
You sound a little crabby.
He replied that he was starved, so I told him to treat himself to something and call me later on.
BUT he wanted me to join him at Burger King so we talked a little more, again about nothing much.
He mentioned that he was waiting for a call from a courier company he applied to, to drive at night.
I didn't ask too many questions, just that I hope the pay covered the cost of the gas, he said he had that covered.
Then all of a sudden he had to go, he wanted to go back and check his emails to see if any of the jobs he had applied to had responded yet.
Said he would call me later on tonight.

Is this a normal conversation for where he is mentally?
It is like he is in 2 worlds!!!

Hi, saving.

His actions are standard fare. On and off, like a bipolar grizzly bear.

I'm glad you are doing well.

God bless,
Gimble

Gimble, this is really hard work.
Last night he called the kids.
Then he wanted to talk to me again and wanted to know why D17 hasn't called him lately.
Told him she has been really busy with school and work and SAT's.
I told him she had a really bad attitude lately, and was really not too helpful anymore.
He suddenly wants to know why I have not been communicating any of this to him.
The goes on and on about he may not be there to do anything practical for the family, but he is always there for the kids emotionally, etc.
Then goes on and on about how he is suddenly always hungry lately.
Again, I said you sound grumpy, please go and eat.
He started in again about D17, and I finally said I do not want to talk to you anymore today, and he hung up the phone on me.

GIMBLE, am I really going to be able to get through this?
Up and down, up and down.
12 more days til he arrives.

Sometimes I wish he would talk to me, he makes references to stuff, but will not really say anything. I guess he is still angry. It is like coaxing a turtle out of its shell.

Hi, saving.

He wants to blame you for your daughter's 'acting out' which in all likelihood, he has the greater responsibility. Regardless, she needs to see you strong.

You will get through this. If you want to come out 'intact' at the end, you really have little choice but to get through it.

The trick, is HOW you get through it. The HOW is all in your attitude.

I know you have read my little ditty about pain and walking through it and all that, but I write it because it is true. Pain has come to pay you a visit. You can't run or hide or get away from it. You have to deal with it, on its terms. What you DO have control over, is how YOU react and deal with what is dished out to you. You can greatly shorten the length of time that pain stays with you by your actions. You can also greatly increase the time that pain stays with you, by the wrong actions.

Expect more ups and downs, pain, joy, sorrow and elation. Strive toward excellence, and solidity of spirit. Therein lies the key to mastering, and minimizing, pain's visits.

God bless,
Gimble

Dear Saving Yourself,
(What a great wordplay in your new name, 'saving yourself for marriage')

I have been following your story but have never posted on your thread.

I just want you to know that yet another person really admires your hard work and the strength you continue to exhibit! Hang in there, we are all pulling for you and I'm convinced you can do this!

Be good to yourself,
Swords

Gimble,
The pain I feel is rejection.
Rejection from the man that I love with all of my heart and he doesn't want me anymore.
I thought that he would always love me.
I don't know why he can't see my pain!
Doesn't he understand that he has put me through ****** and he has no guilt no remorse??
Why is it easier for him to hate me then to love me?
Why is it easier for him to blame me then to accept any responsibility?

saving ~

the simple answer is: selfishness.

I'm going to bump up my Detachment with Love thread for you. You will get through his visit if you can detach from him emotionally.

I want you to really really read the part about questions, particularly "Why?".

We all ask why at the stage you are in, but right now, asking why is going to hurt you more than help your ability to survive this mess.

Detachment with Love

Thank you, but I sometimes feel as though I am growing tired of this battle.
I know I made the decision to fight for my marriage.
I know in time his anger will pass and he will have to face the destruction of his actions.
I hope I can do this, I am scared of screwing up.
Part of me wants to just tell him that I forgive him and everything is going to be OK.
The trouble is that he doesn't think he has done anything wrong.Everything wrong in his life is because of me.
This morning I was praying for God to bring him to his knees, and to remove the scales from his eyes.
To let him crash and burn once he gets home and has to look into his children's faces. To allow him to see the reality of his choices. That God would sear his heart and that he would do the right thing.
I have to trust that God has a plan for my family, and he will not abandon me. I also understand that Gods timing is not mine.
My H may have to go off and do his own thing and learn the hard way.
Please keep my family in your prayers, I do not want to screw up anymore.

Saving ~

Then stop fighting. Stop trying to win. You have absolutely no control over this.

Stop praying for God to fix your husband, and instead ask God to help YOU accept His will.

I used to think *I* knew what was best. I knew how the mess should be fixed. I knew what God should do.

What I discovered was that I didn't know squat. God has a bigger imagination than either you or I. So take your blueprints for repair, and get out of God's way and let Him do this on His timeline, His way.

Trust God. Ask God to help YOU learn acceptance, love, self-worth and dignity.

This will NOT be fixed over night. Take your focus off him. Let God take care of your husband. You need to focus on you.

Dear Savingmyself,
You and I have both been challenged to do the things we needed to do. I feel so much empowerment because I exposed to mil's facility administrator and director.
For me, the thing that was amazing was the fact that my husband did not respond like I thought he would.
When he asked, how could you do that? My answer was focused, confident and without hesitation. I told him that I did it because I was saving my marriage, and furthmore, I should have done it a long time ago.
His outrage was mild, compared with the times before confirmation of ea, he reacted with less outrage, more like calm disapproval.
This in itself has helped me realize I am not doing myself any good by giving into my fears, and not doing what needs to be done because of the possible consequences.
How do you feel about your recent taking a stand with your husband?

Here's another one for you saving ~

Denial, Honesty, Humility, Open-mindedness, Willingness and Acceptance

Yes, you are right.
I have promised myself and God that I would not try to manipulate or meddle in any way with HIS plan.
To help me step back and detach from the situation.
I am trying to learn to accept this, and it is so hard when I have the kids asking me all of the time about daddy.
I can see now how this plan to move to CA was a mistake.
I have been asking God to not allow my H to get a job there if it is not his will for our family.

I know that it needed to be done.
I just wasn't prepared enough for the anger and the wrath I would receive.
Yes, I was warned, but now that I have destroyed his fantasy world I have stirred the mosnter from his slumber.

Stop telling God what to do to fix this.

Ask God for help in becoming willing to see and accept His Will. Period.

God has a plan. His plan is better than your plan.

Let Go, and Let God (that means GET OUT OF THE WAY). You got to where you are today because of YOUR way. It didn't work very well, so may be it's time to let God have a stab at it?

If you keep standing between God and your husband, waving your plan for repair, nothing will get better. God will not shove you out of the way. He'll patiently wait for you to get tired and go away.

Pain is a given, misery is a choice. Every minute you choose to stand in between God and your husband, you choose misery.

Thank you for your honesty

Listen to what these folks are telling you. You cannot control this, let it go. I know that does not do much for the feelings that you are having but they are your feelings. They originate inside you and you can contol that. Start moving away from the drama, do what ever you need to to take care of yourself and your kids. Work on yourself not your husband. He would not be so angry, depressed, confused if he was doing what was best for himself but he has to realize this on his own. You cannot hope to convince him of this. Let it go and God, I like the term Creator better, will take care of you.

Thank you, I am just feeling pretty low today, got a lot going on at home, it's that "special" time of the month and I just feel a bit fed up.

But God already knows my hearts desire, and I have already stopped interfering manipulating and meddling ever since exposure.
I am just sitting back, and doing nothing. but I do want God to fix it.I want God to fix me and I want God to fix Fred.
I know, I know be still and do nothing!!!