I have a plan A question....
Am I doing the right thing???
I have noticed that in the past few days H is calling more frequently, and I am meeting his emotional needs.
Is this because OW is not in the picture anymore and he needs someone to talk to? It has been almost 2 weeks of NC, and he is calming down.
I am listening to what he says, and being encouraging.
He has been asking for my opinion and has actually been more like his old self....in little spurts.
He called again today to let me know if I could read a cover letter and look at some of his samples for another job lead he had found.
Now get this....he emailed me the info from his email account that I have not ever been privy to.
This was told to me that it was off limits!!
We went over his stuff together, he made the changes I suggested.
Then we got some tragic news.
My SIL lost her Brother in a fatal car accident.
My H had to drive his brother over to her work to give her the news.
He left behind a wife and 2 kids.
My H was really impacted by this, even though he has never met the guy.
He has called 3 times asking me what he should do to help.
I advised him to take his 2 nephews out, take them for dinner or something fun.
SIL will be in shock, and this is her only brother.
This has been quite a day, but I am feeling really good.
I am actually begining to look forward to H visit...I think.

Ok, maybe I am just too hungry to be thinking clearly, but if it was you SIL's brother, wouldn't that also make it your H's brother?

Huh-uh. Husband's brother is SIL's husband, right? That makes the deceased a brother-in-law of the straying husband.

On the other hand, I'm awfully hungry too. Just spent two hours at the supermarket in line to check out with 5 gallons of Ozarka water in case Rita comes visiting.

My husband's brother's wife's brother!!

You guys are too much!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I had to read that like five times and then try and imagine it with my own H's brother's wife before it actually sunk in!

It must be the hunger, because I'm usually not that slow!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi, saving.

Quote:
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I have noticed that in the past few days H is calling more frequently, and I am meeting his emotional needs.
Is this because OW is not in the picture anymore and he needs someone to talk to? It has been almost 2 weeks of NC, and he is calming down.
=========================================

How do you know he has had no contact with the other woman?

Honestly, when a wayward spouse is unusually nice in the early stages of 'withdrawal', it often indicates that they aren't in withdrawal at all, and still in contact.

I am not saying for sure that is what's happening, but it wouldn't surprise me.

You may very well be meeting some of his needs, but I would make sure there is no contact.

Sorry, but I know you only want to hear the truth, even if it sucks.

Please have a good read about Plan B, both the articles on this site and SAA. You need to be looking ahead just in case things don't go as expected.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi,
I am not letting my guard down, I know right now he cannot be trusted.
I know he has been home and all of his comings and goings are accounted for.
I have been checking the cell phone daily to hear minutes of use and all calls coincide with the calls home to me.
She works full time as a teacher, so he can't be hanging out in the classroom with her.
There has been no more sneaking out of the house at night or sleepovers.
BIL has been dragging H to the kids football games after school most afternoons.
Now I wouldn't go as far as to say he has been overly nice, but our conversations are much nicer then before, I have not been verbally attacked lately.
The last time he made a rude comment to me, and I hung up the phone, he did end up calling a couple of hours later and apologize.
I know, he could still be emailing, and texting, he could have a phone card. I have thought about all of that.
But my anxiety has calmed down so much and I feel better about myself.
I have no expectations for what will happen when he gets home, I just know I want a peaceful visit.
I am not ready to talk about OW right now, and have no plans to talk about it unless he want to.

Good for you, saving.

You have really made a major turn-around. You should feel really good about how far you have come in such a short time.

God bless,
Gimble

Gimble,
H sent me a text to let me know he was taking the boys out, as they both stayed home from school today.
He seems to be making himself accountable even though I do not ask any questions.
I guess that is good.
I have to work on my patience, I know this is going to take time, and today I just really miss him.
I was thinking about him alot today and how much I miss his company, and his stupid laugh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
It seems like the more I am working on me, and dealing with forgivness, the more I am having those feelings again and I am scared of any more rejection.
I am really seeing the areas I lacked in, and do not want to perform any more love busters.
I am scared of failing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I want to save my marriage, I want him to see a new "me" when he comes home.
Ultimately I know if he still wants a divorce, I can not force him to change his mind.
BUT the reasons he wanted one can not be justified if I am not acting the same way as I used to.
Do you really think if he ever comes out of the fog he will rethink things?

The Alien has risen his ugly head.
I just received a phone call from H crying that I have taken away his best friend, and he is so lonley.
He has nobody to talk to except me, and he doesn't trust me, as I was his tormentor,and have my own hidden agenda.
Everything I am doing is self serving and that i do not care about him.
That my encouragement is creeepy and he can not stand me.
He wants a new life.
He wants a better one.
God has never blessed him and everyone else gets blessed except for him.
He told me to just shut up and listen, which I did.
I did not defend myself.
I only said that I was so sorry that he felt this way, and that he needs to let go of the past 20 years, and see things as they are now.
I did not get baited into a fight, I did not call him names, there was no drama, except by him.
I told him that I did care about him, and that I wish that I had not made so many mistakes during our marriage and had not taken things for granted.
But I can not change the past.
I am working on me, and that is all I can do.
So he said so after 3 weeks you have suddenly arrived.
I said NO, of course not, but I am finally making positive choices in my life, things that i shoud have done years ago.

Then after 30 minutes of his pity party he hung up on me.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REACT WHEN I AM TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND HE WILL NOT RECEIVE IT. AM I JUST SPINNING MY WHEELS?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

saving...

It will take time for you H to notice the changes you are making AND for him to believe they are for real.

We all behave this way. When we notice someone changing our first thought is "oh, I wonder how long that will last". The fact is that it is difficult for people to change and it takes a lot of work and effort to change. We all know this and so we doubt whether someone else is capable to make changes in their lives.

So, just keep it up and soon it will be part of who you are...as time goes on he will find it harder to doubt that your changes are real...

Daisy

Thank you!!
I just needed to know that I was on the right track.
My husband is on the verge of a breakdown and I am worried about him.
Did you see my previous post?
He is so lonley and so depressed.
I am hoping that if he is going to crash and burn it will be here with his family around him so we can help love him back to health.
He says how unloved he feels.
His whole life has been a dissapointment,and he was crying.
I found it ironic that he said the only one left to talk to is me, but I am the enemy.
He can't trust me in case I revert back to my old ways.
I am not going back there!!
I like this person better.
I was so proud of myself that I didn't get angry, and stayed calm, and there was no drama on my part.

Sounds like you are making lots of progress in making changes, and getting a job. Good for you! Give yourself a big pat on the back.

Try to relax. When WH comes home, you can continue with family activities. Invite him to join you. If he chooses not to, you and the kids have fun without him.

I feel very sad for my H today.
I am learning to love him differently, and to hear him crying on the phone that his life is such a dissapointment and that he has nothing to show for all of his efforts.
If he could only see his children's faces, and know my heart, he would see what blessings he has.
I know his depression will eventually come to a head and I am praying that his heart would soften towards me.
I am not the enemy, I am his wife.
I fought for what is rightfully mine.
I am not sorry that he ended things with OW, I am actually glad it is over.
I just wish things didn't have to be so ugly.
I wish he would stop blaming me and would take a good look at himself.
For years he told me I was miserable because I have never learned how to forgive.
But he will not forgive me for my indiscretions and love busters of the past.
He has such a victim mentality.
Please tell me that this is all part of the fog business!!!

Hi, saving.

I think you are doing a bang-up job of a Plan A. Please do be sure, however, that you are not tolerating disrespect from him.

When he gets disrespectful of you, it is okay to end the conversation or walk away. The one thing that you CAN teach him while he is fogged, is that you will not tolerate disrespectful behavior from him toward you or the children. That is not a 'lovebuster'.

I just want to make sure that you understand that. No doormats here.

God bless,
Gimble

Yes, I did tell him that after he called me psycho again, that i was going to be hanging up the phone.
He begged me not to go because he needed to talk.
There was no more name calling.
He vented alot but mainly about himself.

Please tell me that this anger and wrath of the Alien will not go on forever.
I know I keep saying the same thing over and over, but I need reassurance.
I know in my heart that the words he is spewing out at me are a direct result of his own doing and he has only me to take it out on.
I just hate that he sees me this way, especially when I have been trying so hard with the lovebusters and encouragement.
The fact that he compares me to Barbra makes me sick inside.
That he would rather be with her then with me, his wife.
But I ignore his words and act as if they do not effect me.
I will not let him hurt me anymore.
The more I getting stronger, the meaner is he becoming.
When will it stop?????

Saving

Man, hearing you say that your WH had a "victim mentality" hit me like a ton of bricks. My MIL used to always tell me that I was trying to make people think of me as victim. I honestly never tried to do that, because I recognized that my A was wrong. It's a slow process, but eventually that "poor me" will go away and a "my poor BS" will take it's place. Don't give up on your H.

I sure hope so!!
I want this "woe is me" attitude to stop.
I am not giving up on my husband.
I love this man so much and I have hope and faith that one day we will be OK.
I wish I had realized how much I loved him before the bad stuff happened.
I wish we had made our marriage a priority.
I know how much work I need to do on myself, and maybe one day when he sees that I am sincere, his heart may soften towards me.
It is going through the process that is so damn hard!!
I was in my basement this morning clearing it up and getting rid of stuff.
I found a box of the most beautiful love letters that my husband had written me years ago.
I read them all, and in some ways it made me so sad.
I wish I was still receiving those letters now!
It made me realize that the things he says to me are not true, that I haven't made him unhappy for 20 years.
I sure wish I had not gotten into so many bad habis of love busting, and had learned to have some self control.