Just got off the phone with my W who told me a few days ago that she wanted to legally separate. She tells me she feels terrible guilt from the A. She feels guilty because she had the A because she felt alone and abandoned while I was deployed to a combat zone. She feels she is a terrible person who deserves pain and punishment. She wants to know how I could still possibly care for her, in spite of her worst moments. In spite of her visible and invisible blemishes and shortcomings. IT'S CALLED DEEP LOVE, MARRIAGE, FOR BETTER-FOR WORSE, A LONG TERM LOVING RELATIONSHIP!
She thinks I am just afraid to be on my own. Not true.

Also, because the A allowed her to be "a woman" and started an "awakening" in her to be more sexual. That she has finally shed that pent-up , always have to be that good girl self-image (even during intimate moments with her husband) that her religious upbringing told her she must be. I have been waiting for this 35 yr old woman to blossom and emerge. Now it's happening?? And I am not to be around for it?

That she wants to be desired and admired for the woman she is today without all the baggage and our history (ups and downs, good times and bad times in our marriage)and a MIL who has never really cared for her (yes , my mother - a whole other thread and maybe a different forum). She talks about books she's read about the awakening of women and about the TV show "Sex and the City".
OUR HISTORY AND PAST IS ALWAYS PART OF US. IT MAKES US WHO WE ARE. IT TEACHES US, BOTH GOOD TIMES AND BAD. GOOD TIMES WE WANT TO REPEAT, BAD TIMES WE LEARN FROM ON ORDER NOT TO REPEAT.

She cannot bring herself to see us in a different light. She is not interested in being with me that way because she has always seen herself in a different role as my wife. She cannot get past it. She sees me as some sort of father figure (that's just heartbreaking to me).

She wants to be a self-reliant and independent woman who doesn't need a man to "take care" of her. SHE DEFINATELY HEADED THAT DIRECTION.

She says she knows this is quite probably a destructive path, but must go down it? She is willing to throw it all away because she just wants to start over at today. She doesn't want anti-d's because she has used them before and she wants to feel it and deal with it - not be numb to it. She talked to enough counselors in her lifetime.

This is all from the woman I have always considered to be the deepest most caring person I've ever met. The shining light and joy in a life with plenty of despair and pain as well as joy.

I CANNOT HELP HER WITH THIS BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT I SAY OR DO SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM ME (THE FATHER FIGURE).

She now just wants to date other poeple who do not know her or her past. Somebody who sees her for who she is today with no baggage, no past.

Is this a mid-life crisis?? Am I going to go thru this, I am 39 and it hasn't happened yet?

Apache,

Sounds like your WW is holding a pity party and you are the special guest.

You can not fix her. Don't try. If you can, get her to a QUALIFIED therapist.Remind her that any therapy sessions that she attended while in an active A were worthless.

Cancel her cable. Trash like Sex in the City pretends to "open" up hidden female sexual identity but does the opposite. It objectifies a women's sexual identity, the opposite of what it was touted as doing. They rarely showed you the effect that multiple sexual partners had on any relationship and cloak it in a faux aura of "sophistication".

I know I can't fix her, and I'm not gonna try. I know it's a pity party. I can't get her a therapist, right now I'm in another state. Even if I did, she wouldn't go - I know this about her, she can be rael stubborn until she's made up her own mind (sound pretty independentm huh).
She cancelled her cable already.

Apache03,

""Also, because the A allowed her to be "a woman" and started an "awakening" in her to be more sexual. That she has finally shed that pent-up self-image.""

Now this is just a suggestion, but I don't think it would hurt and maybe would help alot.

OK, you are away from her. WOO her with steamy letters. Send her letters that ONLY address your love and desire for her. What you would like to do to her and how and when and where. Do some "Letters to Penthouse" discriptions of fantasies that you have deep down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Maybe let the primitive animal in you blossom and emerge. In a letter the "father figure" will not be evident.

k

Well, that certainly would address one issue. There have been many times in the past when I wanted to tell her these things , but the signals she was sending said she was gettiung uncomfortable. I guess now she isn't anymore. I don't think it could hurt either - what have I got to lose. I guess I could go from father figure to dirty 'ol man in a few strokes of a pen (or whatever).
I did send her a pretty sexy card a few weeks ago and got one back that was just as sexy. My only concern is that her libido could be heightened by another A (I suspect) and not by me and my efforts.

How long will you be away?

For months... could be 6 to 9 more at least. We have been flying back and forth to see each other for the past 3 months. We talk on the phone every day except about 8 days out of the month when I am not near a phone.

I think women start their sexual peak around 34 or 35, so that may be an issue. You being away at this time does not and will not help the cause.

Apache,

Try sending her a "hot" letter every day, but on the phone be yourself, not saying anything about the letters, unless she brings them up.

Hopefully, she will send "hot" ones back to you. Then the next time you see each other, get out the letters and "giterdun"!!

k

UVA - I think what you wrote is also true and I get that.

krusht - I was thinking of exactly that earlier today.

I listened to her voice mail this evening and know that she was out on a date with the doctor last night. He is so flattering, but he can be. His best foot will always be forward and gets every chance in the world. I however, have a past with her and will never get the opportunity to start "new". I am now placed (by my W) in a competition with this guy and I only get to see her a 4-5 days a month. To attempt to Plan A from such a distance seems truely useless. I will not LB though. I will simply do the very best that I can, but believe I should just draw a kine in the sand and PLan B or D.