to4t:

"This sounds like pretty good news - and I understand your caring that she's hurting. I just hope you didn't comfort her when she was crying."

Well, I do agree that it's probably good news, but the means only barely justifies the end. Assuming this really IS the end, that is.

No, I didn't comfort her when she cried again last night. I sure wanted 2. But I remember my own his2ry of trying 2 do that... ...and the current date!

We talked some more last night, and one thing she said (that she's said before, but I've comforted her when she's said it) was: "You think I'm a horrible and disgusting person." 2 which I replied, this time: "No. I think your R with RM is horrible and disgusting, but you're not. You just made poor choices."

-ol' 2long

ba109:

"So what?! How does that change anything? Do you truly believe that this will change anything about the A? It's still very clear where her heart lies. More than likely they will continue."

I think much like this these days. After all, it's been about 15 years now. I've heard noises about "doing the right thing" before. I even heard her tell me she told HF that "I promised 2long I wouldn't have any contact". That was about a month ago. And maybe there's only been the one contact - the "news" - or maybe there's been 27589327 emails and phone calls. Doesn't matter 2 me which.

I pointed out 2 her again last night - when she appeared baffled that I couldn't be glad that RM is now happy and has moved on - that M means nothing 2 him. He cheated on his first W with her. Why wouldn't he cheat on this one when the organic love wears off?

"You will always be 2nd fiddle."

Not if I quit the freakin' orchestra!

-ol' 2long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey hcii!

I'm pretty sure she'd be torn up about it. It is something I'm encouraging her 2 think long and hard about.

-ol' 2long

Trix:

"Did she happen to tell you how she found out about RM's plan to wed? Was it from their mutual friend or from RM himself thus breaking NC?"

She didn't tell me. Nor did she tell me what was ac2ally said (in detail). It was either via email or phone, though. That I know for certain.

"But I guess you aren't holding her to NC."

Not much point in doing that at this stage. If she ever gets there, really, she'll be pretty obvious. Heck, she'll be proud. That she's showed no signs of that, even after her epiphany a 2ple months ago about our M (particularly my reminding her what she said at our first MC session 3.5 years ago - "lets see where we are by our 30th anniversary and maybe decide 2 renew our vows then"). So I know she's not gone NC on RM, even when we were getting along "pretty well." I've been at this so long now that I don't really need 2 snoop, unless I felt like I have 2 have details (and she could spin those anyway, so what's the point?). I can tell things have never been quite right. Maybe they never will be. ...but 30 years is coming right up (December 27th). I'm going 2 keep reminding her of her "plan" as the date approaches. I want a bright fu2re for her. But I want a bright one for me and our family, 2. ...there's light at the end of the tunnel.

"Knowing the lack of honoring vows, what would stop them from continuing their 'friendship'? He DV'd presumably because of the A...your wife remained married. Maybe it is like 'Sarah' who had full intentions of staying married whilst continuing her A after her OM got a live-in GF (whom he may have married...but I don't recall). Wouldn't that be in your W's ideal world."

I agree with this line of thinking. It has been their MO for a very long time. ...which is why I don't put much stock in him getting M'd again. The Fool! But I have the benefit of something that Sarie's BH has never had - D-day! I KNOW why our M was mediocre all these years. I also know what it COULD be like, if we want it 2 be.

"The tears would have been somewhere between annoying and pathetic."

That sums it up prettty well.

"I hope this can be the closure she needs and that she will go through a final withdrawal and that real recovery can begin."

Me 2.

-ol' 2long

Amen! I'm glad you took my comment in the sense that was intended. Whether RM is getting married or not has no bearing on your WW's feelings for him. His marriage will more than likely provide an 'inconvenience' for her is all.

Ah, so right...Sarie's poor BH was left clueless...in the dark so she could carry on as she had been for 10 yrs.

Trix:

Darn right. Sarie's behavior (I hope she's lurking) is EVIL.

And Sarie, I HAVE told my W about the RM moniker. She doesn't like it much. I don't like him much either.

-ol' 2long

2Long -

What about you, me and AD going to the Gulf coast and building a new town? A few weeks ago you said you thought we could build a town if we put our minds to it. Since then, a need has arisen.

I think we could start in N.O. and work our way eastward.

Georgia

2long,

I just read your post in the private thread on ILUL. So I came over here, first time in weeks, to see for myself.

Not surprised, but very, very sorry to hear contact continues.

I am in a similar place, as you know. Last month I discovered continued attempts by W to contact OM and new A info. I didn’t think it could possibly be any worse than what I already knew, but it is. This new info is one of the reasons I left MB. Mine is not an MB or missing EN solvable problem after all – not by a long shot. I am embarrassed to be taking up space on MB.

I feel for you. I have been through a similar situation with W crying over loss of OM. The night W found out OM confessed (partially) to his BW, repudiated her, and blamed W for the entire A, she cried and cried. I tried to comfort her without lending any credence to her A or her justifications. But it was so hard to hear the love of my life, the woman who promised before God, family, friends and community to love and protect me, crying in front of me because her 10 year A partner didn’t love her after all. I thought I was going to die. I often think something inside me actually did die that night. I feel different since that night. But, I cannot quite put my finger on it.

I will continue to pray for you, 2long. And for your W. And for a lot more than just a good M for you.


PS: Building towns? I thought we were going to become soldiers of fortune in Central America. You know, long twirly moustaches, the beach, the senoritas and the margaritas in Belize.

Appy:

"I often think something inside me actually did die that night. I feel different since that night. But, I cannot quite put my finger on it."

I know what it is:

Death of innocence (really, blind trust)

Emotional attachment (emosional fusion, as Schnarch calls it)

When I think about what it is that died regarding my M, once again I feel more relief than pain. I'm saddened at the loss of that lofty, fantasy-life perspective on things, but I'm glad that I'm not so easily fooled any longer. I'm more able 2 be a companion than I ever was before.

Maybe my W can appreciate that someday. She can't now.

-ol' 2long

FGG:

We can build a new town, alright. But we'd better bring along a whole bunch of dirt before we lay the foundations!

like... who in their right mind would build a city below sea level? On a delta, next 2 the ocean??? (with apologies 2 the Dutch!).

-ol' 2long

2Long

I wondering if your wife will be use this info and turn it around on you that you kept them the star cross lovers apart
withyou fighting for your marriage.

Now that you have it from the RM mouth that the marriage is only for a custody battle, and that is the only reason, your wife (in my opion) has just got the green light to go on with their relationship via long distance or evem closer.

Like mention before he did not respect his vows when he married his 1st wife and didn't respect the marriage vows of his friend (your wife) why would he with a marriage that is only forming to gain custody of his kids.


All I can say is DANGER DANGER WILL (2LONG) ROBINSON

Maybe you are correct, as ususal - don't let it go to your head, my friend.

But I wanted to be so much more than just her companion. Makes me think of male prostitutes.

I wanted to be her husband, friend and lover. She only accepted fair weather companion.

OM and W told each other their Ms were just business arraignments. Actual quote. I know, more WS rationalizations. But after 10 years of the LTA I think it has become reality for her.

Both our Ws have so many deep and serious issues that ENs have nothing to do with. I am at a loss where to start re-re-re-recovery. So, like you I am detaching. It’s now fast becoming a business arraignment for me too.

So sad. It did not have to be this way. It could have been glorious.

swan's song:

It may be true that my W perceives my observations about this news as a green light 2 continue their relationship long distance.

But really, that's what she's done at every 2rn in the last 15 years, particularly even during the last 3.5+ years I've been aware of the A.

So, nothing's changed... ...except I changed in2 my asbestos space suit.

She's going 2 have 2 pull her head out on her own, if she ever does. Now would be a good time, but I'm planning for whatever.

-ol' 2long

Appy:

FF is calling you...

(will you answer 2....?)

-ol' 2long

2long, you sound incredibly strong and stoic.

Appy, thinking of you...

Sorry 2Long,

My original post vanished, but what I ment was I think she percieves the info that he is only getting married again, because of the kids as I green light from him to continue her wishful thinking of a life with him.

I get the feeling from what you posted that she knows that she is on the last mile with you, and that you will not be there for the next round of RM's contact

I'm pretty sure I don't like the way I'm feeling right now.

Like:

*How much contact is still going on? ...2 be determined, if it is at all, without a really strong desire on my part 2 ac2ally know the answer. It's going on because she told me about the M plans. But that's all. She never even said how she was told, though she did say it was in response 2 her asking for his signa2re on a petition.

*When, if ever, is she going 2 confide in me about things close 2 her? ...and again, I'm not sure just how much I want this even. Not that I don't want her 2 be close, but I want her 2 want 2 be close, not just because she perceives that I need a show of intimacy (which could be insincere) from her.

*Am I "safe" for her 2 open up 2? ...also, not sure I'm very concerned about this now. Not that I don't think it's important, I do. For 2long, I've tried self-improvement plan A stuff 2 impress her (in spite of knowing that's not what it's necessarily for). But though I have flaws, I'm not a bad, or even moderately neglectful H. It feels like "if she can't see it, it's not MY fault. It's her inability 2 recommit, her inability 2 go NC and get on with withdrawal, that's keeping her from recommitting.

*It was her own suggestion, 3.5 years ago, 2 see where we are by our 30th and decide whether 2 renew our vows at that point. When I reminded her of that last month, she said she still believes we'll need 2 do that. But has she made any comments about that, counseling, or any other plan-related thing since the M news 2 days ago? Nope. The clock is ticking, 2. 30th is less than 4 months away, and there's a heck of a lot that *I* feel needs 2 be accomplished before then.

So, I'm not feeling all that great about stuff right now. She's "nice" again, but nothing has fundamentally changed. Still no ILYs. She's a bit less of a CAer, but that's pretty much it.

-ol' 2long

2,

I'm reading. Nothing much to say.

-AD

2long,

Speculation is a crippling waste of time.

Get on with the business of "acting as if". "Acting as if" things are as you would have them be, and maybe by your 30th...they will be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />