I should add, that by speculation I mean trying to figure out what is going on with her, and what she thinks of OM now, or if contact continues, and so on and so forth.

And also about the no ILY's, or what she said about the 30th, or if she feels safe opening up to you, and so on and so forth.

Simply make yourself safe, be a loving beacon "acting as if" you already have the perfect marriage without trying to gauge where she is right now.

Ok...here's my take.

I think 2long my friend, she is in withdrawal again. The contact was the "fix" and she got a serious high removed when she found out ratmeat (scum bucket) is saying I do to somebody else.

Again, it's death of a fantasy or something like that.

Glean this if you can from my life...my xh is like a rat meat. HE had a gf at end of our marriage...and a second gf to boot! When I was finally done w/him, he couldn't be alone. Had 2 have somebody. I blew the roof off with exposure to everybody. One gf, whom I affectionately call monkeyho, bolted when she discovered our marriage did not immediately end in divorce and when I exposed to her family...even accidentally phoned her grandmother and did it...that she didn't want a part of it. I told everybody who knew her back in my hometown. Seems that was what it took. And only one willing enough to stick around was the stuupit golddigger he's presently married to now. As our divorce neared ending, his ow wound up pregnant and it would look somewhat good for a custody fight (as it is always looming) if he were settled or perceived to be settled.

My xh married ow almost instantly after the D papers signed. But he continued contact with monkeyho (somewhat like the way your W and RM are) during the first year of their affair marriage. He has cheated repeatedly on his present "wife" (matter of only legality and semantics imho)...

RM will NOT be faithful. Maybe the gf is preggers? Maybe it's legal and he's worried about the D from his W? Either way, your W should NOT see this as a good thing. She is hearing the words coming from a guy who could not be honest if asked what color the sky is...He's saying most likely whatever he can to keep your W on the back burner so he can have his cake eaten when he wants it...even if remarried.

Your W is mourning the loss of the perceived relationship. He may have said some fantasy talk to her about "a future" or a marriage or whatnot. She took the bait hook line and sinker. It is somewhat good she's opened up to you about it though. See the little good in it ok?

But it does mean that there is still attachment there. You gotta do whatis right for you. I'd install keystroke monitoring on computers or see how much exactly contact they do have. I mean, she KNOWS that contact is wrong. She knows you've had an agreement about it right? If so, she did it AFTER the fact and then telling you. Seems she went seeking RM and needed an affair "fix"...she caught him and they talked...and nobody knows for how long..and he opened up and told her he was getting married. But fact she's mourning the affair is sad...she's still attached. I'd do some digging.

This news and the revealing of it to you may either be signaling 2 things...and you should take careful notice of the sitch swinging in either direction...1)she is mourning loss of relationship...which could aid in healing of your M or 2)could cause her to think she must "act now" or loose the love of her life and the A could resume as she reacts desperately to the news of the M and that their A is back on and that's bad.

I see one of 2 things above being likely outcome. Listen well. Do as Orchid says and keep plan B in your hip pocket my friend.

Can Ijoin you guys in S. America? I love margaritas. I am a girl, thus no mustache...I hope never that is...lmao...and have read salty piece of land by jimmy buffet...great book for living out a life in your head about becoming an expatriat! lamo!

Just keep your eyes and spider senses sharp.

I am a late commer to this thread. Great news ... but it doesn't change her or the course that you have set many moons ago.

-rh-

Yeah...

Weaver, you're right. I know this stuff. Just getting really tired of it. I can do it, though. It must be in my bones 2 do it. Comes na2rally, most of the time.

Jpeachy:

This is why it's so hurtful right now. Withdrawal is starting over again. I wouldn't be surprised if RM knocked his GF up and that's why he's getting M'd. But I don't know that. I did here my W say that part of the reason is 2 get custody of his sons. Some motivator, eh? Some saint, 2, huh?

rh:

While any kind of change might be the spark 2 get my W thinking, I ac2ally didn't receive this news as good news at all. Remember, he cheated on his first wife 2 have an A with my W. Now he's telling my W he's getting M'd. Why tell her? ...unless it's 2 reassure her that nothing changes between them. It's only a "marriage" after all.

-ol' 2long

2long, how old did you say these two are?

Sorry, not very respectful. But they come across like newly-minted cynical 20-year-olds.

GC

2long, doesn't it just blow you away that your W talks to you about RM like it's a normal relationship? I feel as indifferent as you these days and wonder what impact if any his impending marriage will have. In my case I constantly remind W that OM wouldn't come to her funeral if it was cloudy out. Doesn't seem to matter as this "spiritual connection" is bigger than both of us. She asked me the other night, "what if he was gay, then would it be OK?"

I also hurt when W hurts but also feel sorry for how pathetic she has become. Just like the petition thing, my W used a dying cancer patient as an excuse to renew contact. You know that I recently told OM that "I held my W while we made sure she wasn't pregnant with his child". Since she renewed contact after that I asked how did that conversation go. She replied; "I told him if I had to have an abortion I would have certainly had him accompany me." I asked if I was supposed to stay home and watch our legitimate children while she took care of this.

I'm with you in just sitting back and waiting to see if she is willing to do some work. Wednesday is 20th and I can't even muster the energy to buy a card. Take care of you and I do hope that your W comes back before it's 2 late.

S2range, I thought I'd posted something earlier, but it's not here...

gc: My W is 2rning 51 next month. So, RM will be 40 in Dec. But they do behave like s2pid kids.

WOE: I've been tempted again 2 send RM an email, but I'd be pretty nasty if I did, and I'm not normally nasty. I'm usually indifferent 2 RM and his sitch, but since he won't go away, I still find myself wishing that an asteroid would smack in2 his house while he's home. Nothing big enough 2 cause a global extinction event, mind you. Just large enough 2 leave a big enough hole in the ground that you and I can enjoy buying tickets and taking our families 2 stand on the rim some weekend and look down several hundred meters to the crater floor...

But who knows? Maybe there's a 0.0000000000000004% chance that they should be 2gether? I wouldn't want 2 mess that up, if she decides 2 explore that. But whatever she decides, she should do so soon.

"She asked me the other night, "what if he was gay, then would it be OK?""

This is hilarious, because my W has said similar stuff. Like "What if *I'm* gay? Would you consider my friendship with HF 2 be an A?" She asked me that at one of our MC sessions over 3 years ago. 2 which I replied "You're not gay." And the MC nodded. ...still, it was all a waste of time then.

Tired.

-ol' 2long

I wonder that your W may not see how unethical it is for RM to marry his GF mainly for a better chance at obtaining child custody. I wonder if he was he saying that for your wife's benefit to help her feel better about his getting married again?

Either way, I doubt that he takes any of his vows seriously and that this marriage will effect his behavior very much.

Of course, he may have had an epiphany and has let her know that he is marrying his GF and wants to be exclusive with her, and do the 'right' thing. Thus causing your wife's emotional reaction...tears.

It is all conjecture...we don't know his motivation in telling your wife about his pending marriage. It could be to finally end it with your wife or put them back on equal married footing. Was he disappointed that she not DV you for him?

So much we don't know about the dynamics of their A and how much or how little contact they had been having. Maybe it has all been one sided for a while now...your W's side...her fantasy... on the side.

Trix:

You're right. We don't know jack, really. And I could guess forever if I wanted 2, but I'm so sick of the drama that I think I'd rather not.

Hence my remark 2 her this morning (oh, that must have been in the post that didn't post). She said something about how hard it is 2 get her own needs met while trying 2 meet everyone else's. And I replied "I try 2 only worry about the things I can control, and don't try 2 affect anything or anyone that I have no control over."

But that's old news. I honestly don't think she'll get it anytime soon.

-ol' 2long

WOE and 2long, I don't know quite what to say. You both deserve so much better than this.

Normally, I'm so against divorce ... but in these cases ... what would it take to shake them up? And who cares anymore if they are shaken up?



It's all about her, innit? Did you reassure her that she's not meeting your needs at all?

Whose needs does she imagine she's fulfilling? Is she usually locked in this much weary self-pity?

2long,

How are you today?

I used to spend a lot of time rummaging around in the MB archives. There are many useful threads still hanging out back there. I was always finding dead threads that still spoke directly to me.

I remember reading many threads on continued contact affecting recovery. Here’s one that resonated with me in particular:

The Reality of Continued Contact

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1


At the time I thought, “Yeah right, I just hope we even get this far.” Now I am there and I feel very much like those old posters. I wonder what happened to them, too.

2, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. The weekend trip to the crater is priceless. Some of this stuff is 2 funny for my W to be missing it. Even she could laugh at the absurdity of her conduct when presented in this context. Coincidentally, her OM is 11 years her junior. Some day the tables will turn and we'll be holding trump.