My W and I had a pretty good weekend. Last night I witnessed an extreme positive change in my W's attitude. It was our first night in a bowling league. My W experienced a great deal of anxiety at the outset. Once she realized that other people were accepting her and that the night was not going to be a total disaster she changed. In the 9 years that I have known her, I have never seen her this genuinely happy. This is a woman who lost all her friends and social life as a result of her first divorce. I have to believe the prospect of being part of something and making friends is going to elevate her self-esteem. I'm hoping that if she feels better about herself, she will not feel the need to stray and will confront her problems and get help.

I know that the good times together are just a break from the emotional turmoil and that longer-term issues must be addressed. Someone told me that my W needs to know that there is a real possibility that she will lose me and that could be the catalyst for her to get into recovery. I know by things she has said that she is at least thinking that we may not be able to work out our differences.

When I confronted my W the second time I discovered her A, she asked me how I knew. I said that I just knew. Actually it wasn’t too difficult to figure out.

I just talked to my W and she said she would be a little late coming home from work. It involves an occasional duty I know is associated with her job. In likelihood she is telling the truth and a little late will probably be ½ hour. I know that even if I could account for here whereabouts every second it wouldn’t matter because if she wants to cheat she will find a way.

So at this moment all the pain and mistrust is flooding back. Some of that will ease when she gets home, but I know that I will be looking for signs of the A and they won't be hard to find.

I find it strange to now have a new developed sense of "suspision" at every corner. Actions that we once thought nothing of now mean something, now we know where to look at what to watch for. It is sad that we got this gift of hightened awareness when we did not ask for it.

My H has had to work later than usual the last week or so. Last night he actually had to go back for a few hours. I find myself feeling uneasy when something is out of the norm, even tho working late IS going to happen.

Like you said tho, IF they are going to cheat or have contact with the op, they will find a way. I find myself searching for proof that they have contact and I actually get frustrated at not finding anything. I ask myself what will it take before "I" am convinced there is no contact? I am not seeing any signs that there is contact, none.

Bottom line is we were hurt and it takes time for us to get to that level of trust that we had before. Also I think it takes time before THEY see they depth of pain they caused and what is at risk if they do it again.

Do you know what's scary? Literature on the topic of infidelity describes it as an addiction. My W has addictive behavior and my fear is that she won't have the will pwoer to do the right thing.

Folks..this is normal or as Melody Lane would say "You would have to be INSANE to trust a liar"...

In my case I had blind trust..I knew we had our issues but was proud that I could trust her...I recall...saying that "we trust each other and her going out with her friends from work is not an issue"....well...I was wrong and that betrayal stings still..couple this with the lies surrounding the affair...the lies to questions asked...and Mel's sounding pretty smart...

While the FWS can lament that "you'll never trust me"...I always state that is their fault and THEIR ISSUE, not ours, the BS. They have given us numerous reasons to be insecure because they ripped trust apart like a nuclear bomb.

I do not trust my WX (FWW). This is because she has not fully addressed my questions surrounding her PA (6 years ago), she lied to me about it for months even after confessing, she lied to me about an e-mail she said she deleted even though it was of a business nature (I have access to her e-mails and work computers). And yesterday she received an e-mail from her EA partner at work that was sent to everyone regarding his sons first day of school with pictures....I am livid because she is supposed to inform me of anything other than work..even a damn joke...she did not..my comment was..which of you is the block head? Either he doesn't get it or you were not clear enough...I know I was clear...so...trust is a long road...especially for someone who is not worthy of trust...and they know it....

sorry I can;t help ease your fears....I'm just telling you how it's working for me...

"... It is sad that we got this gift of hightened awareness when we did not ask for it." Wow is that ever right !

I think may suspisions of last night may be unfounded. One of the sure signs of an A was not there. I could get additional confirmation in a day or two just by checking some basic records that I will see at some point anyway.

I don't want to go looking for signs of an affair every day ... that will drive me crazy. I know that I will be aware of those signs, but I'm not sure how hard I want ot look. In the short term I will probably be very vigilant. But ultimately I will either trust her or I won't. If I feel like I can trust her again and I am wrong, I'll figure it out sooner or later. If I watch her every move, what does that buy me except knowing sooner ? But watching her every move will surely drive me nuts.

All that being said, she has and continues to account for her time. No matter how detailed that account is, there would always be a way to cheat.

watching their every move does drive you nuts!!
How can we help it though? They betrayed us - and for some of us, more than once. I don't watch my WH's every move on purpose.



Yes, I found that my WH accounted for his time very well but it still went on right under my nose. There are pay phones and other places to call OP from. There can be secret email accts. My WH showed me that he closed his that he used to email OW but he just opened up a new one.
I wish none of us had to go through this!!

I have a sixth sense when it comes to my husband. I knew right from the get go, who it was, why it was and each time he lied, I caught him and called him on it. He lied right up to the time I called the o/w and confirmed his EA. She of course said it was one sided, on my husband's side only, but I am so suspicious and have honed all my detective skills to a sharp point. I wonder what he was thinking when I consisently knew when he was lying, cheating and betraying me. I must have had him scared of being discovered, the way I instictively called him on the carpet about his adulter's habits and ways.

I am feeling the same way again. I do not trust him. He has changed all the rules of our M. When they seem different or out of sorts you wonder are they in contact again? I hate this. I really do. Like all this wk he was out ofmsorts then today he starts telling me how pretty I am and how much he loves me. I wonder why the other night he did not take his shower on Tues or Wensday morning but last night?? He has always showered every day - so I think where you at OW house and showered there? His hair gets greasy from working outside and it wasn't. I just hate feeling this way and feeling like I have to ask questions and is he going to tell the truth. My gut can't take mch more. I want our old R back the one where I knew he loved me and he did not like and I trusted him. I hate that he did this to me and us. When does this craziness end????????????/

Send me on my way, you have some of the best darn posts on this forum. I get such a kick out of your intelligent, no nonsense, straightforward style. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When I agreed to keep my WS after the affair and not kick him to the curb, I knew I was going to have watch my back for a long time. It's nice to say you don't want to do that, but folks, that is what you sign up for when you decide to stay in such a badly damaged marriage. You have to take extraordinary steps to protect yourself from your own spouse and that includes watching them like a hawk all the time. It would be pure folly to pretend like things are normal.

Like Send misquoted me, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I would point out that only an insane person would trust an untrustworthy person. For the first year after my H's affair, I watched that polecat like a hawk. But, to his great credit, he worked very hard to restore the trust he destroyed. And it WAS his responsibility to prove himself.

He did a beautiful job of that and I have more respect for him now than I did before his affair. He is a GOOD MAN who worked his butt off to prove himself; and prove himself he did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My new motto, trust..........but verify.

Man..........I don't have a clue why you would choose to live this life with this type of woman and call it "recovery". I fully admit that I am a simpleton and am no where near as well versed or as intelligent as the many "experts" here, so I can at least plead ignorance........I can only assume you have your reasons.

Send me on my way...I say this with great sincerity....better you than me....Good luck bro.

LM

LM...

You are not the first person to say this to me. Some of my best friends have said it. See my problem is that I love her. And it is my problem. How I have addressed it has been a long haul. First, she knows that I can and will live without her even though it is painful. Our agreement to be honest results in hurt feelings sometimes.

Remember, we're divorced. We divorced for many reasons not related to affairs, dishonesty, or another person. There are reasons why she did what she did and reasons why I did what I did. We're addressing them. Now, our counselor and us have decided that our biggest issue was communication.

Last week I was cleaning out my closet , at her house, stuff I moved in a month ago. I found a bunch of programs and other things from where I was, with my boys, while she had her booty calls. I honestly thought I had gotten rid of everything from those weekends. The T-shirts, programs, 100's of photos, etc. It was very painful as wonderful experiences I had now turned into very painful ones. Well, I was in a funk ever since I found that stuff. I began second guessing myself. I wondered what am I doing? She sensed it and panicked. I sent her this e-mail

I always seem to do better when I write. I have not lost sight of you or your love for me. You mentioned I was depressed and I guess I had not thought about it as depression. First, the stuff I found Friday night has set me back. It was not a set up. I truly thought I had nothing like that remaining. It made me realize too much. I found out that the last week of April 1999 we went to x event, 2 weeks later we planned a trip to NYC and bought tickets, two weeks later we went out for our 11th anniversary, one week later you met a man, who “I was not even attracted to” for a booty call, 4 weeks later we went to NYC for what I thought was a great time, 4 weeks later I stood up in x's wedding and I thought we had fun there too, two weeks later we went to see x in concert…and I ignored the signs…cause within the month you told me you did not love me. My set back is related to what I did not realize. It also had to do with what you’ve been capable of. It hurts and affects me, more than it should at this point. What you think is I am angry. I’m not…I’ve been processing. I know you understand that every little detail gets processed. Like I was not at an Eddie Money concert, it was Bachman Tuner Overdrive, the Loving Spoonful and Steppenwolf. Like I cringe at the sight or sound of a private plane. These are my issues ....
Plus September 11 looms and I realized recently that I have issues with the entire event and where you were. What it does is make me believe that it was longer than a year. Whether or not you were in bed with the man there was still a relationship there and I can’t seem to get the full story from you. You answer most my questions but even that was a brutal process for me. It went on for months and you were not honest at all with me His relationship with your company is only getting closer yet there are no trips here now? No reason for the management to travel to some remote camp? I don’t believe it, I can’t,cause it doesn’t seem to make sense.


I also have unresolved the fact that you lied to me regarding an e-mail. It crossed the line. You hesitated to tell me about the FloridaCo.. It can’t happen again. I expect the full and honest facts and that is it no matter how much I or you may not like the truth. FWXW I have been very clear that I do not expect ANYTHING of a personal nature being discussed, even in a group setting in the office with him. The next joke, or personal thing sent to you, even as a group needs to have a response to him asking why he thinks you want to get that stuff. There is no polite way for that to happen. Understand I hate the arrogant *ucker and you need to be clear beyond any guess. I expect to be told of anything sent from the other company, I expect to be informed of any new business deals with them and how it will affect you and what you do. I have told you I have great angst over this. You getting angry regarding my trust issues doesn’t help anything.







So..my recovery is that I would have NEVER said any of the above. I would have just been a jerk...and eventualy Love Busted about it...which believe me I already have LB'd...her actions, why repeat myself?

Why did I get the little lie? She doesn't want me upset at what others do. I asked her if I have ever done that, given her crap for what others do. Her reply was that I don;t but SHE DOES. She gets mad and worries about my reaction. All of her reactions are normal LM...I understand. So I send off a CLEARER note about how serious I am. Our relationship is better than it ever was. She is not a serial cheater, she is not a pathological liar, one "protects themselves by lying"....Part of my role is for her not to feel that way. Is that not part of the healing process?

I'm learning....and not one part of what I wrote here feels as if I am "defending myself"...because I love her....

A last note.....I have prepared myself about walking away LM...I have drawn a very deep trench in the sand....I will not compromise my boundries....

Oh..and Mel...I'm glad you like my posts...I seem to recall a time when you did not ;-)