I have been lurking here for months now learning as much as I can and taking a great deal of solace in the fact that everything my WW has done is not new or original until now.
After 28 years together my WW is in an EA/PA with a co-worker that is only 7 years older than our DD. The PA had been going on for 8 months before I found them together and confronted them in a Motel. I have not been able to get her to admit how long the EA had been going on before my discovery. My WW had been cake eating and enjoying both relationships to their fullest. She went so far as to call friends to go hunting with me on the premise that I hadn't been getting out enough just to get me out of town so she could be with the OM. Our relationship was what most of our friends described as the "perfect couple" up to this point.
After D-Day she moved in with the OM(Single)and went into the rationalization process in full swing. I went to MC, wrote love letters, delivered flowers, and did all of the things MB suggests for a plan A without reading or knowing of this site. I even helped her find her own apartment and moved her in and bought or gave her the necessary furniture. She said all she needed was time to sort things out and get a handle on her emotions and no she did not ever want a divorce. We did a legal seperation and left it at that. After a month of calls and e-mails on my part I convinced her to try MC. After the first visit she didn't hear anyting she liked so she refused to go again for several weeks. On the second visit she convinced our MC she wanted to get back together. After hearing this from the MC I was very excited and went to see her and found the OM there and he was still there the next morning. I did not confront them at that time but chose to call her later that morning, whereupon she lied and said she hadn't seen him in two weeks.
After numerous phone calls from concerned friends that were seeing my WW and her OM in restaurants and bars around town over the next few weeks I finally said I could no longer take this on just the moral side of things and I filed for the divorce. I told her I no longer wanted to have any communication with her as long as she was still with the OM and this is when I discovered MB. I now see that I should have continued on with the Plan A for a much longer period befor getting to Plan B and the divorce.
I am still in love with my wife and want to work this out but she she is still rearranging her reasoning on a monthly basis and still seeing the OM. She is now to the point where she freely admits the OM is not a "permanent thing" and she tells all of our friends that she just didn't like "living in her own skin anymore" and needed something more than she was getting at home. I have continued MC on my own and this has kept me sane and semi-rational. Our children have adapted pretty well and get along with both of us very well. My concern is is this a continuation of the fog, or has she really decided to abandon 28 years together without the slightest effort to fix the problems she perceived? The only thing she has ever said was wrong was that I was greedy regarding my recreational activities and that I didn't pay enough attention to her in the evenings after work. All of this only came to light after D-Day and it was the first I had ever heard of it. She also says I am too judgemental now over how I reacted to finding out about several credit cards she was hiding from me to the tune of most peoples annual salary.
I know this is a long post but do some WS's stay in the fog or have they really just decided to shift gears in life and live a completely different lifestyle?

They will tell you that they've shifted gears in life. The truth is that they are living in the fog. Making a lie a living reality is what produces the fog in the first place, so unless they let go of the lie, how will they ever find their way out of the fog?

Have I been too quick to act in getting the divorce and going into a no contact position? I have been going thru ****** trying to figure all of this out and put sense to it, but in reading all of the posts here and listening to my MC there usually isn't any sense in an A is there? I have done some LB's in trying to get her to our MC and to at least keep this A descreet. Is this enough to further drain the bank to the point of no return?

IMHO, it doesn't sound like you're ready for a D. It's also sometimes feels like the only power you have left is to file for a D. Not true. Consider this the time in your life when you'll work on yourself (sounds like you're doing that with MC). You also need a plan for how and how long you're willing to get your wife to see the light.

Hang in there. Unless a D is what you really want at this point (and it sounds like you don't), then take a deep breath and figure out what you're going to do. If you haven't already, check out and post on the Infidelity/General Questions II board...lots of good people and ideas there.

dukhuntr,

First I would like to suggest that you post this in the General Questions section. I suggest this for two reasons, there are more people there and you will get more advice and second it does not sound as if you are ready for a divorce.

Now permit me to make a few recommendations. Read about plan A and plan B. They are actually part of one plan and that is to recover your marriage. ONce you have done a good plan A for a number of months and it sounds as if you have in fact done pretty well, you need to move to plan B. Frankly since you have a legal separation this is perfect for you.

Plan B is NOT just leaving the spouse alone. A crucial part of it is the letter you send stating: your conditions for getting back together and trying to recover, that you love her, that you are willing to work on the marriage. There are many samples around here.

Please read Harley's articles on this site and his book Surviving an Affair they will help you. There are a few other books by other authors that might help as well.

So move to GQ section, do some reading and prepare for plan B. Those are my suggestions.

God Bless,

JL

It's time for Plan B all right.

As to the original question... I don't believe fog becomes permenent. Sometimes, the WS does choose to be with the BS and it lasts years or forever. I don't think that's fog induced. Sometimes, jerky people hide it very well for a while and then show their true colors. If you're already a jerk, acting like a jerk doesn't mean you are in a fog.

That said, what you are describing sounds like affair fog to me. I doubt it will lift until you've been in Plan B for a while.

In answer to your question, yes I do think the fog can last a long time (years) and maybe it becomes the WS "normal" way of life. IMHO you probably jumped to filing D a little too quickly - is it possible you could hold out a little bit longer? You can implement Plan A or B for months (even a couple of years, possibly) without going for "Plan D".

Your age/timeline is similar to mine & my XH - and it could be your WW is going through her own "mid-life crisis". Read up on all the articles on this site, not just the discussion forums. [color:"blue"] JL [/color] is right, there is more to Plan B than just the disconnection process.

To everyone,
Thanks for the thoughts and recommendations. I was with some good friends watching my Giants play their usual mediocre selves in San Francisco for a couple of days or I would have gotten back to you sooner.

Trixie MB: I already have the D and dont want it now. I do want to put things back together still but family and friends all think I'm nuts. WEXW is still heavily involved with the OM who is only slightly older than our DD and showing no signs of remorse or any feelings.

Just Learning: I have been reading everything I can find and I have sent what amounts to a plan B letter just not as detailed or structured as I would have if I had found MB before I wrote it.

Greengables: My plan B is the most difficult thing I have ever done and it truely does rip your heart out to cut all communication off. My WS went so far as to refuse to even read e-mails and will only accept postal mail from me because she says I make her too emotional at work with what I write her. Don't get me wrong, I only did this until I wrote my Plan B letter, and I only explained to her that I wanted to work things out and start rebuilding our family. Two months into Plan B now and nothing yet. Does being divorced already make this ineffective? I hope not.

Avondale: The divorce is already final. Here in Nevada things can go pretty quickly if both sides want the same thing. Just goes to show that if you let your anger guide your actions you can end up in some pretty dark places. And yes, I think this is some sort of mid-life crisis or some other form of rebellion on her part. It's like a total personality shift and a complete lack of respect for everyone she has known and loved for all these years. Her parents and brothers have many, many problems of their own and she and I have always been the stable ones they came to for help. Lets hope that the winds of life will shift sooner rather than later and blow out this "fog".