Ok, I know I am really just asking for 2 x 4s... apparently I need them today. Here's the scoop. I have a blog (hubby knows about it and reads it) today I started clicking to "next blog" and following random links... a lot of them were sexually oriented. OK. Trigger. Should have stopped there. Came to one that reference Adult Friend Finder and clicked on the link... found OM had a bio there... fortunately you can't get at the bio's w/out joining (which I did not do). My reaction is so mixed... I love my husband and things are going so much better. I HATE this Jack*** for what we did. But part of me "cares" what happens to him and knows he is playing w/ fire (I am convinced he is a Sex Addict). Anyway. It's hard to walk away from a train wreck without feeling the desire to help. I guess this is when you turn it over to God? No. I won't be contacting OM, and yes I know this is Fog, and yes I know what utter disrespect and betrayal it would be to my husband if I were to even inch toward OM. But in my now shredded moral code, I used to feel responsible for helping people... Yes, he is married, no we did not expose to wife. Yes, I know many of you are going to tell me that is the way to help. Oh what a wicked web I have woven. Anyway, just had to let it out. Give it up, and get on with the work of making MY RELATIONSHIP with my husband my priority, and trust God to take care of the others who are none of my business. Thanks for listening.

Hi, WFM.

You have already moved inches closer by even following the links and possibly 'checking on him'.

Exactly how do you think you could help? Think it through. There is NOTHING you can do but make the situation worse if you contact him. You made it worse by checking on him, even from the periphery.

Tell your husband what you have done.

All the best,
Gimble

Yeah, I know there is nothing I can do. I guess I just wanted to vent out some of the stupidity that was in my head. You know? Part of the process. Can't deny it is there sometimes. Just can act like a responsible grown up.

From a betrayed spouse point of view.
Let me give you an example that I feel from a b/s point.
Your thinking that you will help the o/m is the same as, the o/w thinking that my husband is in an emotional crisis and is giving him comfort. I would be so upset if my husband turned to the o/w for his emotional support, because that would mean that he wouldn't turn to me. You see, as long as the o/w supplies the emotional support, he has no need to cleave unto me and look to me for his comfort. Let his wife take care of him. All the o/w can do is cause more pain for the wife and husband. Because what their marriage needs is no contact from o/w period.

I will be praying for you and your husband and for your strength to withstand the need to contact the other man.

thank you for that good point. I appreciate it. Will you pray for the om and his wife too? I won't be contacting the om. Didn't plan on it before, still don't. I see how slippery the slope is.

If I catch my wife pulling that kind of stuff I'm gone. That's just the way it is with me, was too hard to deal with the first time.

How does your H feel? Would he like you to pray for the OM?
Drop it completely if you want to recover completely.

Mflake, I appreciate your honesty and bottom line. I don't pray for them. In my warped way, asking someone else to pray for them lets me leave it alone and move on. It's like handing the cell phone to someone else and saying can you dial 911.. I can't stay. That's part of why I posted... I want to drop it completely and I hadn't and was struggling with this issue (yes, you could call me selfish and blind to others). Anyway, that is why I come to this site and why I asked for the reality check... for both helpful suggestions and reality 2 x 4s. So thank you. I also read somewhere else that really this was one-sided contact which breaks the nc... something I have been doing very well at... so I've apologized to my husband, and it has kind of thrown us backwards, but we've learned something from it.

Hi, WFM.

Quote:
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so I've apologized to my husband, and it has kind of thrown us backwards, but we've learned something from it.
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That is outstanding! You did the right thing.

Gimble

Thank you Gimble. It has been, for lack of a better word, a humbling 36 hours, but I needed to be reminded of the reality of all of this...

I also think I am going to adopt Mflake's advice as my mantra... drop it completely if I want to recover completely. That is a thought I can keep in the forefront of my head at all times.

Working:

Just the idea that my wife may be thinking about anything to do with the OM devastates me. At the same time, I try to understand the conflict of the WS and the guilt they carry around.

It's tough on everyone. Keep up the good work.

Working,

You deserve the 2X4s.

""I HATE this Jack*** for what we did. But part of me "cares" what happens to him and knows he is playing w/ fire""

Lady, this slimeball IS THE FIRE!!

You "care" about him because there are still some endorphins and pheremones still circulating around in your brain that remember the "high" you had with him...like a sober alcoholic walking by a packed bar!

""It's hard to walk away from a train wreck without feeling the desire to help.""

Again, YOU WERE ON THE TRAIN!!!!

How you can feel compassion for this lowlife who has changed YOUR LIFE forever is beyond me.

That you found HE HAS A BIO ON ADULT FINDER tells you what kind of player he is. AND WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU??

Another notch on his bed post, that he brags to his stud buddies about.

""Yes, he is married, no we did not expose to wife.""

So you are going to let this poor woman go through her life thinking he is something other than what he is? Which is a self-centered, immature, a$$*ole that measures his life's successes by the # of holes he has plugged.

Hope you got checked out for the STDs! If not, might be a good idea.

k

Krusht - Whack gratefully received. ouch, (she said with a ruefull smile) I needed that. I know the truth of my situation, but sometimes I just need to check in with the wider world and have it re-spelled out for me in no uncertain terms. And oh, I got checked, believe me.

PS: I think I got what I was looking for... and wouldn't mind letting this thread die now... not sticking my head in the sand... just lesson learned. and I am glad to have learned it because it was needed. thank you all.

Working,

Glad to help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Focus on your H and love him like crazy.

.