What do u do, when the person giving you advise on your M is now in love with u?

It started out innocently enough discussing my M and her M? Now she’s telling me she is in love with me…I care for her too but I’m not in-love with her and we have not had sex, although it has been tempting with the lack of it with my w. But I’m still in love with my W and told my friend this and she told me that’s ok. That I should concentrate on my M, but I should know she is there for me. I told her I appreciate all of her help but I don’t want her to get hurt.

Lately I have started to think more about her and feel she is treating me better than my WS!

wave buh-bye.....

Put your feelings to the side and bring in your intellect. How would you feel if you were being filmed while with this OW and your wife was going to see tape? Your answer should be your guide.

Run far far far away.

My H had an A 7 months after mine in our recovery. Trust me - even if your wife is still wayward, and having an affair (over or not) it will still hurt her as much as she hurt you and complicate things even more.

You need to initiate no-contact with this friend immediately. Its already on shakey ground with her.

If you and your W can't reconcile and your divorce is FINAL (not started, not in the works - but final) then it will be time to talk to this friend.

if you love your wife and want genuinely to reconcile, then no matter what your wife is doing, you have to commit to your wife.

Two wrongs don't make right - even if it feels good...

You must walk away. Quickly.

It is inappropriate for this ow to tell you she is in love with you, after you talking about your marriages together.

This is exactly how my H's A began - 2 co-workers discussing their lives/marriages. In our case, the ow was very up front that he marriage was unhappy. My H had told her numerous times he was in love with me. Did that stop the A from happening? Obviously not.

You say she is treating you better right now than your W?Wow. you mean, she doesn't take out the garbage, clean up after you, your kids?

Everything about this ow is a fantasy. That is what an A is all about. Fantasy. Your W is reality. And she deserves better than this.

Consider what it's going to take to repair any damage that will take place as a result of inappropriate communication and contact between you and this ow.

My H and I are lucky. We are digging out of the mess. But it will haunt us for a long time. Would that we could have avoided this train wreck.

All of the emotional energy that you are wasting, squandering on this ow would make your marriage one to be envied.

And, one more thing: This ow is NOT your friend. No matter what you think; this is a person who would invite you to become a liar and a cheat. That is not what a good friend does.

Think it over. Good luck.

I thought I would find it very easy to indulge into an A when my H cheated but it is not the answer. I realized it would only make things more complicated. Even though I had been involved in a EA with some one and like him alot; it was still not the answer. One thing was It wouldve only been for revenge and secondly, as is sounds with you, I cared for this person to much to hurt him. I knew he wanted something serious that I couldn't give him at that time and hopefully never because I plan to always be with my H (unless). If I am never going to be with the OM/ I think he deserves my complete attention, my all. And I cant give him that right now; because I belong to my H just as you to your W. Being in this kind of situation sometimes clouds your mind, so be careful not to find yourself in the same situation as she did; its not worth it.

Facts far back as I know that led up to my H's affair.

First person in the chain, married woman finds out her H cheated on her. She in return cheats with another married man. This man's wife had an affair with my husband.

In this chain how many people have been hurt? I would like to think that I am the one who will break this chain of events from going any further.

agree with HealingT. run don't walk.
This is how my WW A started. Listening to OM's problems etc. Before you know it they are "crying" on each others shouulders, then all the time on cell phone, full blown EA which natrually led to PA. Now 18 months later she is living with OM, leaving DD and I(married 18yrs) now for the past 2 weeks.
Dude I would nip this in the bud

I emailed her that I’m a mess, a lost soul that is very much in love with my wife and that we should bail out before things go too far and someone gets hurt.

I thought I would share her reply.

How could I possibly bail on you when all you do is continue to keep me captivated? I can't release my feelings for you; I can't allow my thoughts of you and me to become words we speak of in terms of 'us'.

My Darling, I can not relate to the love you feel for your wife. I can only give you my deepest respect for it. I think that the depth of your commitment, passion, and desire is one that I can only hope to aspire to myself one day.

We can keep things to emails, but as stressed as you are, I think you need a good deep massage. Remember I’m a professional and do not mix work and pleasure!

------------------------

She is my massage therapist and I might ask for someone else next time but I’m sure she’ll be unhappy with me.

This is definately is a "two wrongs don't make a right" situation. You do not need any further confusion clouding your decission to attempt to make your marriage work. Also the OW does not need a man that has the emotional baggage you are currently carrying.

Tell the OW you need no contact due to the feelings you both have. If your marriage is saved you will be happy you did this. If it fails and you D. Give her a call with out guilt or casualties.

So what are you going to do?

I’m just very confused because I told my W that I need to get a new massage therapist and the reasons why and she told me, that maybe I’m looking for this and need to get it out of my system.

I would have preferred she got mad and said that I should no longer see her!

Man, it's obvious you want to be with her, but for the wrong reasons. If you give in, you can kiss your marriage goodbye, as well as any moral high ground you may now occupy.

Go ahead- jump in the sack with her- and ruin yourself. Or, be strong, tell her to take a hike, and work with your wife.

For God's sake keep your freaking pants on- why do you think so many people are here in the first place?

Dude, Just like the Crack Addicts first puff on the pipe, you will be hooked on this gal. She is an enticing drug that you do not want to partake of.
You are vulnerable now and do not need this added distraction. Get a different Massage therapist, as this one has more in mind.

Fool,

I will NEVER understand how someone who has themselves been a victim of infidelity, knowingly inflicts that pain on another human being.

RUN! don't walk.
Protect your vulnerabilities.

It is NOT ok under any circumstances to begin or engage in an emotionally or physically intimate relationship while married to someone else. Period. You've already crossed the line. Choose a professional or a same gender friend to confide in.

Fool this is the last thing I will say to you on this topic.
Do you know why I'm on this web site?
Because my wife did the same thing you are conteplating.
She "fell in love" with OM she was advising on his life and M, while at the same time "falling out of love" with me, her husband of 18yrs and leaving DD and I for this OM.

If you love your wife as you say you do, then you will take the advice given to you and cut this out.

YOu've been given the same advice by tons of people here, friend. There's no need for me to repeat it...it's been well said already.

So at this point, it appears you've got one option. Get a new massage therapist, and tell her that you can no longer communicate with her at all, due to the risk this would pose to your marriage.

So...WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO RIGHT NOW?

I Don’t want an affair with her, I’m just more concerned about my wife’s comments that maybe I need to get it out of my system?

BTW, do you know WHY your wife didn't get mad? Right now, she feels that having you also have an A will assuage her guilt. You'll be on equal ground - at least, that's what she's telling herself now.

She doesn't have any clue yet what kind of pain lies ahead if you actually move forward from an EA to a PA. As it is, there probably will be some pain at some point in the future for her over this, because it is an EA.

Right now, part of her wants you to do it because she thinks she won't feel as guilty, because she thinks it's what she deserves, and because she's so in the fog, she isn't thinking at all. But it does matter to her - a lot.

My XH and I went to counseling for several months. During that time, he was living with the OW and lying to me about it. And he ended up at one point just short of accusing me of having an affair (there was NOTHING going on with ANYONE - just his guilty conscience and wishful thinking.) He tried to act nonchalant about it, but I could see the anger underneath - I knew him far too well for him to hide it from me.

If you want to recover this marriage, you need to have no contact. Even if you don't recover the marriage, you need no contact for your own self-respect.