And why are you concerned about her saying you need to get it out of your system? Trust me - this is just fog talk. It's her alien brain telling her that if you do it too, then it will be all right and she won't have to feel guilty anymore. After all, at that point, you'll just have an "open marriage," right?

What part of "forsaking all others" don't you understand?

osxgirl hit the nail on the head.

Your W wants a reason not to feel guilty about her own actions. Do not give in. When the fantasy of her affair wears off, she "your W" will look at how you handled YOUR situation differently. She will realize you had the opportunity to have an A at a point you were emotionally beat down, and still remained true to the marriage.

If the marriage does not work out. You will have the satifaction knowing you did it right, and kept your commitment to the end.

I'm here because of what my wife did to me and now I see some joker trying to justify carrying on his EA?

Be a man. Go take a cold shower.

in the same boat mflake, and told Fool the same thing...he's looking for one person to say go ahead

Foot - is your wife still in the affair? If so then she is looking to make herself not as guilty - I actually encourage H to flirt with women while I was in my A, picked women who i knew would come on to him. Why - cause it made me feel better.

After my affair, early in recovery, I thought if H has and affair, then I would feel better about mine, but further and futher out of the fog I realized I would never want him to, that it would hurt me immensly if he did and NOT make me feel equal or better.

H did have an affair...and it devestated me - hurt me more than I ever thought it would..

Did he get it out of his system? No. Now he deals with what a FWS feels - betraying his wife and the guilt that goes along with it - sure it felt right and good at the time, but he still loved me.

You still love your wife and you will feel that hurt, remorse, guilt - and you will live with it for the rest of your life. It's not the pain of a BS...but it's a very different pain, a pain you inflicted on yourself...not someone else inflicting on you.

Your wife is still in the fog - either it's early in your recovery or she is still in her affair, and she is only saying it to make her's easier. She may feel if you have one too, she is off the hook for hers. but two wrongs dont make a right - seriously - it will complicate things more, and your marriage will be even harder to repair.

Just so everyone knows my intensions.

I’m not emotionally involved her, we have been and are only friends. Deep down, I know she just wants to help, but I don’t want her to get hurt, so I told her that I’m finding another massage therapist.

Secondly, I’m in love with my Wife and some of her comments just hurt.

Take for example when I first found out about my wifes affair, I told her she opened Pandora’s Box and what is going to prevent her from having another affair? She replied you know what they say once opened it can’t be closed!

Which I took to mean she can’t promise her fidelity to me, so what kind of marriage am I going to have?

Before this mess happened to me, I would listen to other friends stories of affairs and not really think of any mallice. Now if I hear of anyone tell me they are thinking of having an affair they will hear my wrath.

I never thought the pain of being a BS could be so bad. I would not wish this on anyone and for someone to consider it after knowing what is does to someone first hand is reprehensible.

Is she still in her affair - cause this is normal talk for someone still in the fog.

You can close it! It requires alot of work on yourself to protect your weakness, change your goals...but she wont see that until she is out of the fog and she doesnt sound out of it at all.

Has the affair ended? if it hasn't then talking about this stuff with her is useless...until the A is completely over.

Please take EVRYTHING that comes out of a WS' mouth with a grain of salt. They know not what they say. Some here liken it to being "posessed by aliens"...and many sure act that way.

Look up Orchid's reverse babble thread...and learn how to use this technique, it may help a good deal.


TM

Yes, your W is still messed up. As they say here, she's really an Alien and will be for a while. Don't take much stock in what she says.

You must stay the course and keep your pants on. You're not emotionally involved? Horse crap. Read your own posts!

Mine also told me I should have a EA (PA?). I looked him in the eye and said I do not cheat and never have. He smiled and was delighted. I think it was his guilt as well. I am not going to change the person I am for him to feel better about what he did. I am proud of me for resisting this A thing. Believe me I was sooo tempted to have someone hold me tell me that they liked me. I was so lonely after all the years with no one hugging me and a child in Iraq. No support for anyone and no family close. I was truely alone. New state everything new. I was crushed. I feel good now. But I know what a tempation it is. Don't do it block her e-mail address and ditch her as a massage therapist. Get a guy to massage you. Tell your wife you love her and do not want anyone else.

Yep - alienspeak.

A good response might be, "Well, anything that has been opened can be closed again - even a map, though it usually takes some sort of map-folding genius. A box that's been opened can be closed again - unless you've ripped the lid off. But you don't appear to have your lid ripped off. Besides, in the story of Pandora's box, the lid did get closed again. And one thing was left in the box - hope."

No, it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But neither does anything she is saying. And as long as she is in the fog, anything you say won't really make much of a difference anyway.

Oh, one other thing. I notice your signature says you're in recovery.... I'm sorry, but I doubt it. It's possible, but given her comment about not being able to close the box again, I would guess the affair is still continuing.

Has there been an NC letter? What makes you think you're in recovery?

Fool-


My wife said something similar for several months after we began to reconcile and while we were in counseling. She mentioned in counseling that she'd had no idea how strong her feelings could get, and how unprepared she was for all of that...and that she really couldn't promise that she'd NEVER do that again.

It's fog talk.

A year later, she knows that she CAN keep from getting back into this kind of situation again, by doing the right things and not letting herself get tempted again. And your wife will likely realize the same thing too...once she's out of the fog and able to think rationally again.

>and that she really couldn't promise that she'd NEVER do that again.


Yah. I got the same song and dance. It's a load of BS. Wookie can't believe he was ever that person.

So everyone is telling me this is fog talk. Ok than why are we having a hard time being intimate? She has said the A is totally over and it was a mistake that seemed so right at the time, she tells me she was in-love with him and that hurts! She tells me that she would tell the OM she loved him, but was married to me and had no intention of leaving me.

I wish someone could explain that rational to me.

Wookie told OW he'd never leave me, either.

There is nothing rational about this. You want rational, talk to us. You wanna hear stranger than fiction, talk to ws....it's like talking to someone from another planet whose words are the same, but the meanings are different.

- Kimmy

Shug - you have to run away from your EA - I don't care what you call it, friends, whatever....she obviously has feelings for you...so you must END IT NOW.

Also, begin reading anything and everything on this website that you can. You must educate yourself so that you know and are prepared for this icky soup of infidelity.

- Kimmy

I have no intention of stepping in the icky soup.

I have all ready emailed her to explain, what she already knows, that I’m in-love with my wife. I told her that things have progressed too far and don’t want to hurt her or my wife. So I think its best that I continue with a new therapist.

You rock. That's great.

Unfortunately, your wife is in the middle of the soup. So, if you want your wife you're gonna have to be a lighthouse so she can wade out. That's why you must read, read, read.

- Kimmy