After trying for a couple of days, I was finally able to reach OWH again today. I told him about contact on Saturday and how I knew. We talked for a while & I didn't freeze up or hang up on him although I was quite nervous. He asked if I wanted him to tell OW that he knew ---I said that she would figure I called him & OW would call WH right away. He said that he didn't want that. He knew about the CD appearing & diappearing in her car so he is going to confront her just with that.

We talked about how hard it was to know if they were in contact & how we would stay in touch to try to come up with a plan.

SO......What again can I expect from my WH when he finds out I called OWH?????????? When he confronts me I suppose I am going to have to give him the truth and not deny that I called OWH.

Here are the questions that I know he will ask:
"What were you trying to accomplish?"
"What were you thinking?"
"Are you trying to get OW killed?"

I have said before that I am trying to save our marriage, that I hoped he would do the same if he was in my position. His response: I would never do that when someone elses life was in jeapordy.

WH and I have had another roller coaster of a ride the past few days. I did major LB on Sunday as I left the house & went out for Margaritas by myself. I came home more than tipsy & do believe I said some things that I should not have. Later broke down in major tears.....ARGH. No going out drinking again when I am in a mood.

I continue to tell him it hurts me terribly when he contacts OW, even if she doesn't answer his calls. I again said for him to call me when he felt the urge.

Last night he told me he was leaning towards a separation, but didn't want to make any "rash" decisions. That's why he is still here. I urged him to not contact OW, to try harder. So, that's where we stand now.

I didn't ask him about contact all day today. Tonight as he was going to bed he volunteered the info: There were no phone calls today.

Go figure he would be nice to me today when I did something he would not be happy about. We even had a great time throwing the football after dinner tonight.

I felt so empowered after hanging up the phone with OWH. Am curious to find out how he handles things with OW.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 5
Married 13 years
No contact broken after 8 days, Supposed new No Contact going on 4 days.

Good job on calling the man up!

Now, Kim, the first thing you should do is tell your H that you have contacted the OWH and told him about the recent contact; that you plan on staying in contact with the OWH on a regular basis until they stop contact.

Then instruct the OWH to tell his wife that you have called and you both will be in constant contact to compare notes.

To hide your contact is to miss the entire purpose of exposure. They must KNOW they are exposed and being watched in order for it be effective.

Have you called your H's boss yet to let him know they are still in contact? What about your H's family? I can't remember, have you told them?

Absolutely you should not DENY! You should go and proudly tell him you have done this and fully intend to do it each and every time you even "think" there might be contact. Tell him the OWH is your partner in saving marriages and ruining affairs! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ML - You always have another step for me! I thought I could relax for at least a day.......

I was kind of thinking OWH could confront OW and then we would see if the two of them panicked & contacted each other. I know WH would then confront me, this would let me know if WH & OW were in contact again.

No rest for the BS, here huh? I see your point of him knowing I exposed again. Rats.

I have contacted WH's family & talked with his mom. I did these a couple of weeks ago & she was supportive. I know WH and his mom have talked 3 x's now, but don't know the outcome.

I have not contacted the boss to let them know they are still in contact.

Kim

Here is WH's opinion of OWH:

"I hate him like I never have hated anyone before. Do you think you want to parnter up with Satan himself? He is not someone you want to align yourself with."

And yes, I understand why WH wants me to believe that. Again, I have to keep telling myself that if OWH was so abusive then why would OW risk her life by having an A???

Kim

Kim, why would the OWH confront his W if you made an agreement with him to keep this a big ole secret? Didn't he tell you he wouldn't confront her? I guess I am confused about WHY y'all would want to keep that secret? Isn't the goal to BUST UP the affair? That can't very well be done if you don't confront them.

Did you tell his mother he was having an affair? Did she confront her son about this? Who else could you expose to? Any other close family or friends?


Did you bust out laughing when he said that?? lol

Good job Kim. Way to go. When your husband says anything, just let him know that you will continue doing what is necessary to save your marriage.

And if your husband is so darn worried about violence to the OW, he should not be involved in helping her cheat.

oh brother. He hates his victim. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He is going to confront her with the CD evidence and see if she admits to contact and see if she panics & contacts WH. That's not a good plan is it? I will tell him tomorrow to just go for it and tell her we talked.

Conflict avoidance. Trying to figure out how I can avoid that conflict of WH getting angry with me. There's no way around it I see.

I did tell his mother about the A. I know she called him about it, but I don't know what she said to him or his response. Should I call her & ask her how it went?

I called WH's best friend a couple of states away the night I threw WH out of the house(back in June - WH was out with OW before coming home to go out for our wedding anniversary dinner). So he knows.

We have close friends here that we have known for 15 years+ that do not know at all. If I have to go to a Plan B, I believe I will use them as go-between. They live about 15 minutes away.

My sister knows and my best friend. My brother does not know.

Kim

Oh, yeah - I had to try hard not to laugh when he said "Do you want OW killed?" I didn't know how to reverse babble to thtat - Just kept my mouth shut.

I wanted to say "No honey, you are the one who must want her killed. Why else would you continue an A with someone who has a lunatic H like that?"

Kim

Kim, he needs to confront her with the evidence you gave him and tell her WHERE this information came from. She must be told that she is exposed and that you are in constant contact. That is the point of exposure. Asking her chickensh** questions about some CD is silly. She is a liar who will lie, what is the point of even asking?

Please just knock off the conflict avoidance and the games and the half measures. If it is worth doing, just do it RIGHT. Stop showing up to a gun fight with a pea shooter when you have an UZI in the trunk. Go get the damn UZI, Kim!

Please don't hold yourself back next time. It might do him some good to realize how ridiculous he sounds.

MelodyLane -

You make me laugh!!!! It's good to have a smile on my face. O.k. - I will put away my peashooter. Just be ready for me when WH is going at it with me, O.k.?? I'll need lots of support......

I see lots of posts here about not asking the WH about contact every day. I have kind of tried to keep asking at least every other day. Should I knock that off? It's the only way that I know that I can keep it in front of WH & let him know how much it hurts me....

Kim

Believer - Hi! Just caught your post to me up there. I have made it clear to WH that I have no intention of letting up fighting for the M. I think it scares him sometimes to see the determination in my eyes. I tell him that I believe in our M and in us and will ALWAYS believe in the vows we took on our wedding day.

Thanks for the encouragement!

Kim

You got it! Just remember, your WEAPONS are much greater than his because you are in the RIGHT! He is but a spooky raging ghost that you can blow away with a huge PUFF.

I don't know, I don't think you should nag him about contact all the time. I think you should work harder to END CONTACT by ruining his affair. And I think you can do that if you will put away that girly pea shooter and get that UZI out of the trunk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> No more half measures, Kim, go after that filthy, evil affair with all your MIGHT and save your marriage and save your husband from the evil trap he has fallen into. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13

Will do MelodyLane! Thanks so much for your wise advice and sticking with me. You are a true blessing. I will step back from the NC questions.....

Thanks too for the Bible quote -- I needed that reminder.

I'm off to bed! Good Night & Blessings to all!!

Kim

[color:"blue"] ahhhhhh my favorite of all nonsense babbleassed questions the foggy WS mutter in their delusional state !!! LOL

ANSWER IS:

"NO ! I am not trying to get OW killed. Are you?"

.... if her H were actually a dangerous threat to OW, then your HUSBAND (AKA 'the other man') is putting her in danger everytime he attempts to make the affair continue !!!

duh

they are so stupid [/color]

Good night, Kim! God Bless you and keep you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is either an LB or begging for a hug, or both.

L.B. - You see the expression he gets every time you ask. He acts a little hurt, annoyed, angry, and embarrassed. Perhaps a part of you enjoys this so maybe he can feel a little of your hurt. I understand. This isn't the biggest mistake but it is a tad passive aggressive when done to extreme. If this is the case take comfort in the fact that no matter what happens to your marriage your husband will eventually feel regret for his behavior and the hurt he caused you. Because you are truly the only one fighting for your marriage, your “hurt” needs to take a back seat for now. It’s counter-productive.

Begging - I’ve been there. I know how badly you want WH to fill your emotional needs to be comforted in your time of hurt. You think you'd be there for him as you always have been in the past. It's impossible to conceive that your husband the man you committed your life to won't just reach out and hug you. BUT HE WON'T. You will be well into recovery before you can expect nor seek to have any of your emotional needs met by WH. Again, it's to needy and just feeds the WH's rationalizations and justifications. That's why Plan A is about focusing on you so you appear much stronger, more secure, more attractive, and more independent to OW so you can fill his love bank and win back his heart. It’s unfair but that’s your plan.

What to do? Monitor in secret. Ask him about contact only every once in awhile to let him believe you are looking to him for the answers when in fact you're doing it behind his back. Maybe they will be more sloppy thinking they are getting away with it. They are in a fog so thick they make stupid mistakes. Look around these boards for ideas on monitoring. When you bust them, then you confront with your guns drawn but until then be sneaky.

ACT