Just curious! because most I've known chose there W's over the ow by a long shot. Whats yall view/experience out there. I think ow really think that these H love them enough to leave home. I think if they knew; they'd be very disappointed. I know the OW in my situation just knew that she was in and I was out. And if he continues that will be a true fact; but by my choice.meanwhile I plan to stick around and to be even more truthful, a percentage of my reason for staying is so that she can't have him. What's yalls view?

Well, to each her own. I would never stay with a man I could not respect.

OW wanting or not wanting my husband had zero significance for me deciding to stay with my H after his A ended. My H had to demonstrate to me that he deserved my respect, and we re-built from that foundation.

I don't see "so OW can't have him" as a good foundation for recovery. Do you?

THAT ... I just don't 'get' at all .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I have to agree with Pep, I wouldn't WANT a man I couldn't respect because my feelings of love are related to respect. If I didn't respect him and he wasn't committed to recovering the damage he caused, I would have kicked him to the curb without looking back.

Ditto pepper!

I can't imagine dealing with all this just so the ow can't have him. Sooner or later it would fall apart.

Affairs are based on lies, that is probably one of the main reasons that it can't become a "real" relationship.

Good point pepperband. I'm open to constructive critizism. I'm just entering recovery, still a little bitter about it all. I'm just not where your at. I'm barely coming out of the mindframe that I'm here only for the kid. thats all I could promise him upfront.

Men certainly do leave for the OW. The W is in pain, and coming back requires humility, compassion, and patience. And it is not fun. Whereas, the OW is all about fun and giddiness and sex and doesn't make those boring old demands. She loves him, "unconditionally", she might say.

If the WH is too much of a self-involved, emotionally stunted little boy to stand up and do what's right for the sake of not only his family, but for himself as well, then off he'll go to be with the OW. And only later, when the relationship becomes mundane, and he still carries the burden of destroying his family, does he find himself surprised and unhappy. Whoopsie.

GC

Start making demands of [i]yourself Kenda.

By that I mean ....

write down on paper, brainstorm all your thoughts and feelings ... and come up with a blueprint for becoming the woman YOU really admire.

What do you want to see in the mirror when all of this plays out?

Really think about this and work it all out for yourself ... over a few weeks time. Set goals for yourself to develop into the most amazing woman possible.

What does that Kenda look like? What are her skills? What are her strengths? How does she manage difficulties? How does she show love? How does she grant mercy?

"my reason for staying is so that she can't have him"

Been there, done that. But when I did that, I wasn't thinking about staying forever, just long enough for them to be out of the fog. Once I was sure that it was not likely they were going to be together again, I was going to leave him. I was also using the time to save some money and to get stronger emotionally. It backfired because he used that time to show me his love, to remind me of how happy we had been together for 10 years and to prove to me that he was truly sorry and wanted desperately to save our marriage. So here I am, 14 months later. I still have bad days and I think about leaving him, but if everything keeps going great, I know I'll stay.

My father left my mother after 20years of marriage to be with his OW.

This was 30 years ago and they are still together. They are so far from being happy with one another. OW has panik attacks and all sorts of sicknesses. She's afraid to sit in a car and she has a bird-pfobia, dog-phobia......and and and......... OW also has a handicapped daughter in her 30's that lives with them.

My father has lost all contact with everyone. He has NO contact whatsoever with anyone from his family.

OW and my father are miserable together and don't have much of a choice. They are tied together due to finances and because my father lives in a foreign country, he has to pretty well stick to the choice that he made, otherwise he would loose everything.

Well, if this was the life he dreamt for, he has it..........

bb

my Dad left to be with OW when i was 8, they married within months of the divorce being final and they had the best marriage i have every seen, it was a very selfish marriage towards the 4 kids (we were outsiders), but they were very close.

it stayed that way till the day my Dad died about 20 yrs later.

Finally,

sadely my situation was very different. My father divorced us all!!!!!!
Deep inside I "wish" I could have one talk with him before he takes this with him to his grave. He's an old man now.
But this will probably never happen.

I met with my fathers OW a few years ago and she didn't speak one good word about my father..............

I feel sorry for him and honestly I would of wished him a happier life with all of his loved ones by his side.

take care
bb

bb, if there is ANY way you can have that talk with your Dad, please try to figure out a way to do it. for your sake.

way i see it, my Dad divorced us all too. true, he did not physically abandon us, i even lived with them for 4 years during my HS years. but he emotionally was not there at all. we were burdons, we owed him and my stepmom (his words not mine) for the things they provided us while growing up and then while living in their house. i was expected not to go directly to a good 4 yr school (which i did completely on my own). i was expected to get a job right after HS, perhaps go to a community college but definitely stay so i could pay rent and pay them back. that is what my oldest sister did and she never made it to college and ended up marrying a drunk and had a horrible life with him until she finally left him just a few years ago. my second sister paved the way and refused to even look at any community colleges, she was thrown out before she graduated HS. i was more politically savie, i looked at the community colleges and "considered" them, and i stayed that first summer and paid rent, even while saving $$ for college, however once i started college i had to move 100% out and that was it. the concept of coming home for summers was not even an option. it never was my home anyway. boy, i still sound resentful, don't i?

which brings me back to my original point, if there is anyway you can have this talk with him, try to figure out a way. i visited my dad when he was days before dieing, there was NO WAY i was going to let us have any sort of heart to heart. i kind of regret that now, cuz now i cannot, he is gone and i'm still left feeling mad and not understanding why he never seemed to like any of us. and it still hurts. at the time, i figured, NOTHING he said would make me feel better, i would not have believed one word out of his mouth.

ok, now i am just high-jacking, sorry...

Sorry to highjack this thread but I just wanted to add one more thing and then I'm out of here!

I tried to talk to my father for almost 25years. He refused............every single time. I tried to call him, meet with him and and and.........
the last phone call I ever had with him approx. 3 years ago.........I called him and his response was: I haven't and WILL NOT have time for YOU!!!!!!!and he hung up:-(

I think he will take this with him in his grave some day..............it hurts but I am not full of hate.
I will probably never get an answer for "why" this happened but I have learned to accept what I cannot change.......it just took a looonnnnnnnnggggggggg time.

hugs
bb

bb, sorry that your dad is the way he is and i'm glad you are not full of hate. sounds like you have it figured out more than i have so far. {{{bb}}}

Sounds like you are describing my H!!