Just curious. I am at the point where I don't even want to let anyone know anything anymore, because they are so angry. And apparantly my mom is angry with me for even wanting to save my marriage. She thinks I am blind and she can't understand how I could consider reconciling with a man who, in her own words is:
Did you recieve strong reactions from family and friends? My mothers response is by far the worse, but most everyone is dumbfounded that I would even try to save the marriage. I guess they think I am superwoman and I can provide for 4 kids on my own despite no education beyond highschool and no experience doing anything...
I sent her a link to MB and asked her to please read some of the articles so maybe she could better understand where I am coming from.
I guess WH was right about one thing, he always said he felt like my family was judging his every move...apparantly they were, but I couldn't see it, mom has a mile long list of all of his wrongs and she is holding onto them for dear life.

Limbo,

My family and friends reaction was the complete opposite. I felt they would hate me if I didn't save my marriage. My mother, like yours, had very strong reactions about me STAYING with him....I'd be a fool for leaving...he is a good man who made a bad mistake...he loves you...he's sorry. I kept feeling like when was someone going to agree with me that I should kick his butt out on the street!?

My friends all felt he deserved a second chance and since he was willing to go to MC, and do just about anything else I needed him to do, they felt he was proving he was sorry.

I think they turned out to be right. I'm glad 9 months later that we are together...working it out, even though it seems tough still at times.

But every situation is different. My mother was the one who clued me into checking the phone bills when my H unexpected moved out (2 weeks by himself). That was ultimately how I caught him. She was concerned for me that things didn't make sense with his abrupt departure and didn't want me to "be a fool" as she put it. She was right!

But in the end, she totally supported him because during the 7 years of our marriage and 11 years total together, she knew he was good man. He had never done anything that would point to his character being messed up...only that this one situation was messed up.

I think you need to consider a lot of things. Has your H been a great guy before this? Is he in MC with you and willing to do everything to save his marriage? Has he been honest and loyal to you about everything before this? It is possible that your family and friends see something that you don't. Mine did IN my H and me staying. Do you have a good relationship with your mother and in the past have valued her opinion? If not, ignore it...if so, consider it.

From what you write here, your H doesn't sound like he is too focused on the marriage if he is moving out again. I'm sure your family doesn't want to see you hurt again and again. They are probably really trying to look out for your best interest even if you think it is to stay with him.

Please consider all things and know that they only want the best for you. If you really disagree with them, tell them to butt out! When I wasn't sure I was going to save my marriage, I finally had to tell my mother "no comments". For months we discussed nothing more than the surface "we are doing OK" comments. It is your life. You will need to live with the decision you make...not her.

Good luck!
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Limboland,
Your family responded almost exactly as mine did after D-day with my WW of 24 years. I actually had to turn away from my father because I could not listen to what he was saying at that point. Our families pretty much took sides as you would expect. Friends are a different matter altogether. I have been both pleasantly surprised and shocked by what I have heard and seen from them.
Friends I think react based on their own experience with relationships more than common sense or morality. Some respond by not even acknowledging the betrayal and saying that breakups are hard in any case. Some of our friends that were having marital difficulties even went so far as to suggest that what she did was easier than going thru the MC they were in. These were the hardest comments to swallow without responding in an angry and emotional outburst.
Take care of your children first and watch out for friends who mean well but put the kids in the middle of this stuff without thinking about it. That got rough for my kids and they are much older and better capable of fending this stuff off.
TAke all the time you want to decide how to proceed and by all means read the posts and columns here at MB. I got way too emotional and in a rush to resolve my problems and had not found the MB site yet and now I am divorced and wishing I wasn't.

LL,

I did not want to tell my family at first, b/c I knew how they would react. They wanted me to come home and protect me. I think, although it is hard to hear your family bash your H, that you need to remember that they LOVE you and are only lashing out, b/c they do not feel like they can protect you...and most parents want to protect their children. When you are hurting, all they can think of is you as a little child and it is very painful to see your child hurt...heck, you said you have 4 kids...imagine how you would react!

With that being said...there comes a time when you need to say..enough! I am staying with this man, he is my husband, the father of my children, and you need to back off. Tell them that there are more reasons you are staying than just love. You are chosing not to be as selfish as he was and think of everyone involved...including yourself. I admitted to my H yesterday that in the beginning I stayed out of fear...fear of being alone, fear of raising three young children by myself, and fear having to work overtime everyday just to provide. I feared that my children would grow up and have a lot of problems b/c of what my H did. Why should THEY be punished for HIS mistake. I would rather stay and try to fall in love again, and show them what marriage is really like...than to have them go back and forth with parents who love each other, but hate each other too. I also told him that I am no longer staying for that reason. I think my family has seen this...and it has helped them.

However, my family still thinks I am pretty pathetic for staying...and even his family has lost some respect for me. But, in the end, I do not care. I tell them that if they love me...they will let me make adult decisions and let me suffer the consequeces. If I am to stay in contact with them...then they need to treat us the same as if nothing happened. I am still their daughter...and he is still their son. If they cannot accept that, then they won't see us.

Hope that helps some. Good luck and I wish you well.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My family, my wife's family, and friends all condemned her actions without alienating her. No one would give her sympathy for her A, though. Her mother was probably the hardest on her!

Thankfully I didn't have to tell my mother as she couldn't have handled it- she lives 1500 miles from us.

You deserve more support- I don't think you're pathetic for trying to save your marriage. I think you're courageous!

Thanks everyone...I talked to my mom more about it and had her read a few articles here on MB, she now has a better understanding of WH's issues and why he is being this way, of course she is still furious with him, but she said she will support me no matter what and she apologized and offered to take my twins for the afternoon tomorrow, YAY!! As far as my friends go, the reactions are mixed towards my WH. Some of them want to kick his teeth in, and want me to take him to court for everything he's got...(unfortunately, thats not much!!) Others just think he's an idiot for giving me up for the OW, saying he will never get anyone as good as me, that I'm much too good for him. I have a couple friends though that can see where I am coming from and are standing with me in prayer that WH will get his act together, come back to God, address the sex addictions and finally come back home truly repentant..I don't know what I'd do without those friends, and this forum, lol.

The knee-jerk reaction is to "kick his teeth in" or file for divorce. However, you are wise for your kid's sake to try to get their dad back. Are you trying to improve yourself as a wife and mother? If you do that mentally, emotionally, and physically, it will give him something very attractive to come back to. He may be motivated to improve himself also, and you just may have a better marriage after this than you did before. Just remember not to be a doormat.

You are in the early stages of this. Hang on and keep it together for yourself and your kids.

Tell the negative folks in your family to get a clue and value the family more.

So glad to hear that your mother is being supportive. I told you earlier, I had the opposite issue. I was fearful that if I left my H, she'd cut me off. She "loves him like a son" and so always pointed out the positives when I just wanted someone to vent to and agree with me.

I told you she probably is only trying to look out for you.

Good luck!
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