It's late at night again, and I can't sleep. I am feeling very low and wish everything was all over. I am in a lose/lose situation with my husband.
He either keeps his mother in the o/w facility and continues to have contact with o/w, or he moves her to the new facility and hates me, holding me responsible for his mother having to move. Either way, I am on the loosing end. He doesn't love me, he loves the other woman, he blames me for all his problems, his mother's situation, I am the most despised wife, and just wish I could run into a tree or something. I fantsize about running my car into a tree, my husband could collect 50,000 dollars if its an accident, my mother in law would be able to stay in the facility and be happy, my husband could begin to see the o/w again, and I would be out of my misery. I just don't want to go to ******. I am so sad.

Hi, khb.

Did you ever expose other woman and hubby to the staff at the home? I am surprised that she still works there.

You may not be able to stop the affair, but you can do something about it. If you have exposed and there has been no action then you could bring legal pressure to bear on the situation.

I am sorry that you are sad.

There is something you can do, and that is to stop asking "how could he?" and start asking "what can I do to change it?".

Oh, and stop the suicide talk. Losing your life over some gutter snipe is not worth the sacrifice. Do change the beneficiary on all your policies just in case something really did happen. You wouldn't want money going to the infidels. There is something that you can do.

All the best,
Gimble

Dear Gimble,
The o/w is beloved member of the staff. She is loved by family members of patients, patients and staff. The facility would sorely miss her presence. She brings happiness to so many residents.
Do you see what I am up against. Why do you think my husband fell in love with her? She is charming, cute, bubbly, and compasionate. She is not some skanky loose woman. She says that the problem was all my husband. My husband said the problem was all on his part. What if she is telling the truth. I am not willing to trash her career, because its not just her career, its all the residents that will lose out if she is fired. She came clean when I called her. She sang like a canary, telling me of all the phone calls, and interruptions that my husband was doing. How he made her life difficult and wouldn't stop calling her, even after she screamed at him to stop. So you can see how I am not ready to trash someone's career or marriage when both her and my husband said she is not to blame. That the problem was his and his alone. And yes, I would want my husband to have the money. While he doesn't love me, I love him and the money would be for the support of his mother.

Hi, khb.

I appreciate your kindness, but I think you are being naive about the other woman, and the money.

Regardless, giving the benefit of the doubt, you should go ahead and relocate MIL and let your hubby learn to deal with it. All of us have to deal with things we don't like in this life.

If it is true that your husband's affections toward this woman of near sainthood were as strong as it appears, and his affection was not reciprocated, then you might consider professional attention for your husband. That level of unrequited infatuation can be dangerous.

That's my $0.02 worth.

All the best,
Gimble

My husband does need counseling. He is emotionally messed up due to #1 The trauma of losing his father in 2001 to a heart attack, (my husband performed C.P.R. on his father) he had nightmares for a year about seeing his father's glazed over eyes and his face in death. #2 He lost his only sibling to pancreatic cancer 6 months later. #3 He is extremely attached to his mother, and her mental and physical decline over the past five years has brought him to his knees and is emotional mess. He is afraid of losing his last remaining member of his family. He feels guilty that she has to be in any type of care home. His father made him promise to take care of his mother, and this has added pounds of guilt onto his broad shoulders. After his father died, he was imobilized by grief, I pulled him up by his boots and did so many things for him, that emotionally he couldn't deal with. He has not healed and the counseler that we saw briefly, said my husband emotional feelings about his mother is being triggered by the traumatic circustances of his father's death. I abandoned my husband this past year. I was going to school full-time and spending most of my free time doing my homework. I brought home 4.0 grades but my husband had an emotional affair with a woman that had time to provide comfort and support, two very important en. I blame myself for not continuing the emotional support my husband needed. He deserved much more than I gave him. Don't get me wrong, what he did was totally devastating, but I had my part in his demise. He made a comment to me that I thought was very interesting. He told me that he should have married a hispanic woman. Because hispanic women place a high value on family and you find many generations living in one house. ( Meaning they take care of elderly and sick at home) He told me he shoud have never married me because he knew that I wouldn't take care of his parents. I wonder if he knows how cruel that sounded.

Don't blame yourself for your husband's poor choices. We all have contributed to the problems in our marriages in some way...but it's never an excuse for an affair.

I also wouldn't worry much about the OW's reputation. So she told your husband to stop calling - apparently she didn't scream loud and long enough.

Hi, khb.

It isn't unusual for the death of a parent to help trigger an affair.

We all contribute to the health of our relationships, good and bad. If your husband had married a hispanic woman like the woman my brother in law married, he would have been the betrayed spouse numerous times, be broke, and not very well cared for, while all his money goes to her family.

People do bad things to other people, regardless of ethnicity. Your hubby just wants to blame you for his suffering.

One of the most difficult lessons I ever learned was to be responsible for my own actions. It just doesn't come naturally to most humans. Even after having learned my lesson long ago, I am still sure that I miss it on a routine basis. I really hate that.

Your husband has either never learned that lesson, or he is forgetting it and blaming his actions and bad choices on you. Please be careful not to wear his guilt around your neck.

All the best,
Gimble

I have had a few hours of sleep, and I feel a little better now. I think I need to detach my feelings from my husband for awhile, until the final outcome of his mother has come to rest. I know while he is still in turmoil, waiting for either the move or calling the facility to cancel the move. Probably his feelings towards me will not be resolved until his mother is either over at the other place and likes it or if he cancels his move from where she is at. My situation just sucks, my husband can't just have a normal affair, his problem has to be intertwined with his mother's needs. But then, on the other hand this is the reason I gave him another chance too. Because he was an emotional mess over his mother's situation.
God must think I have really broad shoulders, because the bible says he will never give you more than you can bare. After the five years of his mother's needs and problems both my husband and I are worn out.
Maybe tommorrow will be a better day.
Thank goodness I cut my school load down this quarter to three classes. And has luck has it, the three classes require little if no homework, thank you Jesus, because I am still able to keep up my 4.0 without much effort. I am halfway to my Business Administration degree.

Sincerely,
K.D's Heartbreak

KD this is all just my opinion...

but I believe in you pulling back in loving compassionate way is the absolute best thing you can do...

I believe whole heartedly that people can have affairs...and come out on the other side...not holding on to love for the OP...but thoroughly remorseful and saddened by ALL the damage of their actions left in their wake...

I also believe that in certain cases it is possible for there to be temporary visual contact and it does NOT mean the continuation of an affair...not in ALL cases but in some...

I think that on one level you have enough information from the OW to assure you that SHE has no interest in further pursuit of anything with your husband...
and that he himself is not really keen on seeking her out or seeing her....

I think you husbands feels like crap and has no refuge...

he feels he is letting his mother down..
he feels the OW can see how bizarre and wrong his behavior was even though she was a willing participant.
he feels no respite at home for you are so hurt

there is no where for him to go that he can just BE...

and his withdrawal at home is on some levels very understanding....

your husband made a common common mistake with his mom...he assumed more care for her than he is or any other person is capable of....

and the nursing assistants were more than happy to let him do so...

his acts of love became a catch 22.....what happens when he is sick..

also to the OW and employees he looked like the perfect caring son..which is not to say he isnt a caring son..but he isn't perfect...and he could not have gone like that forever...

this situation was doomed from the start...and now pile on top his affair behavior...which I believe is just becoming to him a sign of his own failure and bad choices.....

none of this is fair to you..
but you sound very needy...
that you want to talk talk talk about this with him
that you want garuntees from a man who is not able to trust his recent decision makings...

I think your husband is scared
I think your husband is sad
I think your husband is sorry for what he has done to many people....

this is NOT to deny your pain
or hurt
or your need to heal...

BUT
in the bigger picture of saving this marriage it may be that you need to let go of your needs once again right now...and create a soft place to fall...

I think you MIL's destiny is that she will need a different facility to meet her needs...
let that run it course on it own

I think that your husband can survive sitings of the OP and it will not throw him in to a rekindled affair..but will more likely feed in to his need to move more than your words will...

shame is a powerful motivator...
and let her presence work in your advantage..

in other words go back to plan A full force with no expectations of getting back for a while and see where it gets you....

you are way to focused on analyzing each and every day and moment

the pressure in your home for both of you sounds intense
there seems to be nothing but oppression
no joy
no respite
no positive light...
it all sounds gloom and doom....

I think you have a good man..who got really really lost...
and really really sad...
and yep he caused a lot of it...

but I think he can come back..
and imagine at the end of this...if what he remembers most is the one person who stopped the chaos and gave him a soft place to land..

this is NOT for the weak at heart..
this is NOT to say that he gets to ignore this and sweep it under the carpet...and pretend it didn't happen..

but perhaps letting him find his agenda on processing this it may serve you and him better...

ark

Dear Ark,
I appreciate your words of wisdom. I can agree with everything you say except the part of talking too much about our relationship. I actually do the opposite. I talk about our relationship on these boards, I leave the relationship talk alone at home.
The only thing I have said to my husband is that I have printed out questionerees off marriage builders and when his mom's life has settled down and our lives are not so chaotic, we could fill out them, so we can improve our marriage. I am very sensitive to my husbands moods and feelings. He has pulled back this past week because of all that is going on, and I don't see it getting better even after I told him to do what he thinks is best for his mother. So yes, I am very needy and sad, because I feel that no matter what, he is always going to consider everything my fault.
But he is a good person, and up until the affair he was full of honor, commitment and integrity.

I know his heart. It's good. I just wished it loved me.

Update:
Another showdown at the ok corral. Whew!
I have had many nights of silence, tears quietly running down my face as we both lay in bed in the dark.
My husband came to bed last night, and thirty minutes after laying there in the dark silently, he jumped up, and then went into the family room to watch t.v.. I followed, asking him what is the matter? There again, it comes down to the choices he made. He was so angry, he was mad that he couldn't go see his mother tommorow until o/w had left the facility. He was angry about this. I had told him I would be more than happy to accompany him there and visit with him. This is not the answer he wanted. He exploded, "I have the next few days off and I can't even ******** go see my own mother. He went on to say how he felt like he was a trapped rat with nowhere to go. He told me he was going into the mountains for the next few days alone. I then told him to expect to see all of his belongings on the front curb when he returned. I was dead serious about that. I have about had all I can take. I have bent over backwards for this man, cried buckets of tears for him, made changes in my life for this man, and all I get is grief, anger and venom. I am tired of this all. He blames me for his mother having to move, I even told him to call and cancel the move, but he refuses. Saying that I have made it uncomfortable for the staff. What????? I have not even told the staff. If there is any discomfort, it is the fact that he knows the staff all think he has been having an affair with o/w.
He is moving forward with his mother moving to the new facility. He doesn't want to stop it. But he continues to blame me, saying that I am controling him, ( the only thing I have ever required was no contact.) He is angry that I still have to check his cell phone, and am still looking for signs of him having contact with o/w.
I have been so considerate of his feelings. Too bad the he couldn't afford me the same courtesey.
He expects me to trust him now.
I have tried to explain as I have done many times, he has to give me time and prove that he can be trusted.
He has not made any move to help improve this marriage. He doesn't want to go to mc or ic. He doesn't want to read any books, or for that matter for me to read any books. He wants to do nothing. Nothing but find other things to do that don't include me.
I told him how hurt I was, that last Friday when he grudgingly took me with him for a ride to look at sporting goods, he kept sighing on the way home. There again, he didn't say what he meant. I asked him if he was sure that it was ok to go with him, he said he didn't care one way or another. Lie.
He then said he had wanted to be alone but didn't want to hurt my feelings. I had to correct his story, this is not true, you called ds and asked if he wanted to go, ds turned him down, he had to work.
I then told my husband he needs to be honest about this. This made him furious.

Update continued:
I don't see an end to all of this. I am always going to be the reason for his misery, and I just don't know how to fix it or even if it can be fixed. All I know is that I am getting tired of this all.
I told him, if I saw myself through his eyes and his perception, I would despise me too.

kds,

The next time he gives you heat blaming you for being controlling, look him dead in the eye and tell him

"It is obvious that you are unhappy with me. I release you from your NC vow. Go to her and live the life you want."

This man is not even trying to pretend he wants to save your M, why not let his anger push against nothing.

[quote]kds,

The next time he gives you heat blaming you for being controlling, look him dead in the eye and tell him

"It is obvious that you are unhappy with me. I release you from your NC vow. Go to her and live the life you want."



I actually did tell him to go ahead and visit while she was there. He turned around and condensendly told me, "No, No, I'm not going to go while she is there, I don't want to catch ****** for it." I told him do it anyway, I was done.

Hi, kds.

Quote:
================
I am always going to be the reason for his misery
================

He is the only source of his misery.

All the best,
Gimble