Here's the Lead-in: WW had threatened to D me if I expose. I felt I had to expose, and did that 4 days ago. She's called 3 D attorneys and is, I believe, meeting one today.

I'd like her to just cool down and do nothing for a month, at least, until her head and mind are in a better place. But she seems determined to rush headlong into filing for D. NOT to rush to the arms of OM; that is (hopefully) over. She just wants to dump me.

Here are two questions, I hope someone can help. I understand that a couple of experienced pros may have insights.


1. What are the magic words I can say to just cool her down and get her to just wait a month? Is there some phrase that will give her pause?


2. How often does a filing WS later decide to drop the D suit?


Thanks to all in MB for extensive help and support over the last 3 months! I would appreciate your suggestions & insights on the above Q's.

Did you read our posts answering this very question on your other thread? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

yup thanks Mel. just looking for a wider audience. Not sure if my poor thread has that many followers.

Hey...I havent read your whole story, so dont knwo the particulars. I will go there and see what Melody and the rest have written.

But the generic answer is that you just ignore it. She is angry and hurt. So what? Only time will cool her down. You just remain in Plan A and keep on script with promoting your marriage and the changes.

She will cool down. In my wife's case, she filed after several false recoveries. It wasnt until we went to the custody hearing and she lost physical custody of the kids to me that she woke up. There is no magic words. Most WSs only react to pain, moving away from whatever and whomever is causing that pain. That is how they got in the fog in the first place.

So, let her do whatever. What state do you live in? She most likely has to wait 6 months to a year to get a divorce (after separation), unless you live in a fault state like mine (Virginia) and she has fault. But in this case, you have fault do to her adultery. So, what I am saying is that even if she has filed, you can slow things down to a crawl while she works outher issues and lets the anger subside.

In His arms.

Thanks Mortarman. We have no-fault. I understand six months is usually the minimum time here. But I don't think I have the love or patience you have. Probably pretty soon, I'll decide I don't even want her back. If she were to file I'd probably counterfile.

Do you know of any statistics? How often do WW who have filed end up deciding they want to stay married?

Do you know of anyone who might have that kind of info?

Can you think of any magic words that would get a WW to just chill out a few weeks before filing?

Thanks!

weneedhelp,

I can't answer your statistics question but from my experience on this site, if your M went onto a D because of exposure, you would be in rare company indeed.

Almost every exposed WS says the same cr*p as you have been told by several of our experts here.

If that is the reason that your WW gives and you go on to D , your M was not salvageable regardless of what you did or didn't do.

You may be right; perhaps it's not salvageable regardless of what I do (or did up to now).

But I'm not so sure. I think we can stay happily married, if we can get over this rough patch. WW has been saying for weeks, "can't we just forget about the A and work on the M? "I think that's what she really wants.

But that hasn't been possible. Hard to work on the M while the A was going on.

She's unrepentant, belligerent, hostile, hard-headed. If any WW would make good on her threat to D if exposed, my WW would be the one. Seriously.

I don't think it makes any sense to D me because I defied her. Doesn't have to make sense. All it takes is for her to start down that wrong path and stick with it for 6 months out of hard-headedness. She's firmly convinced herself the M has been crap for 13 years - which she would not have said prior to her A. That conviction is likely to carry her through to final D if she starts down that route.

I would like her to have some time to clear hear head before determining the future of our M. That's why I'm in a bit of a panic. I don't want her to get started down that wrong path in a huge rush.

First, I am experienced (BS) but by no means am I a pro. All I can offer you is the fact that if you marriage is meant to survive , it will. Would you really want to be married if your wife was not in it heart and soul. Right now the entity you are talking with is not your wife. Her mind is being wracked by the battle going on in her head. When actual behavior is against moral belief there is a great deal of guilt, fear and stress created. It is amazing to me that WS cannot see how this strips away their self worth. Your exposure just multiplied the negative feelings that your spouse will have by continuing the affair. You just crushed the fantasy and now the affair will never be the same. Consequences are beginning to escalate and the moral part of your wife is screaming all the louder.

I would also suggest that you become familiar with the process of Dr. Hartley. There are many people here that can offer you many new ways to look at your current situation and open you up to many more possibilities than you would ever be able to alone. Your exposure was absolutely the right thing to do and it will make your life better from this day on no matter what the outcome.

Thanks exagilent. Good question. I guess the answer is no. I would like her to take a break then recommit herself heart and soul to the M. If she won't do that we probably don't have a chance. Maybe we never had a chance due to underlying personality differences.

For many years I've often wondered if we would make it. We've been through the wars, and really I thought we were past the hazards. But - SURPRISE! - the A may be the hazard that finally finishes us. Boy I hate that. It doesn't have to be that way if WW would just take some time to clear her head.

Give her one day at a time... the same way that you are striving towards reconciliation and recovery.....

Everything she says is fog-babble, and they "all" say the same things. That's how we KNOW what advice to give you.

It's all scripted in the WS handbook, and the fog-speak fades throughout withdrawal, which requires a a##kicking Plan A and time.

Patience, grasshopper.

SD

Hi- I don't know the exact statistics but in my case my WH did cancel the D papers. My WH kept telling me he was in love with OW and our marriage was over in his head before his A took off. OW pressured him to file for D to show commitment to her and that combined with my exposing WH to relatives, neighbors, pastor etc. angered him so much he filed on me even though I made it clear that I was against divorce and that it would harm our children and I would not divorce without a fight. My WH would break it off then OW would pressure him to leave me and he would turn the anger on me again. I had to learn to refuse to discuss the entire concept of D with him. When he would bring it up I would tell him," I am morally and spiritually opposed to divorce so there is no point in discussing specifics about it." The key is to be calm and matter of fact and not get drawn into it. Hard to do I know! Eventually OW kept ratcheting up the pressure so much that WH changed his mind. I was surprised because he seemed absolutely determined that we would be divorced. You just never know! Take care- lifeismessy

Life; thanks for your story. I hope your recovery is going well. Good to know WS can come around even after papers are filed.

Anyone else?

Seems like it's kind of a corollary to the 'fog' concept. It seems pretty universal that WS is in a fog while in contact, and the fog starts to dissappear some time after exposure and NC.

When the A has progressed to that point, shouldn't it be the case that decisions - such as D - made while in the fog should be reversed after the fog lifts? Shouldn't that happen in many cases? I'd expect to see lots of cases where the D suit is withdrawn after NC. Yes?

Hi again- I was thinking about your situation after I posted yesterday. I now remember reading that somewhere around 1 in 10 D papers are cancelled after being filed so it DOES happen. In my case my WH cancelled the day after I was served- which was right when I was about to tell our 3 kids what all was really going on. I think my receiving the D papers was only the beginning of WH starting to come out of the fog because even after that there was some renewed contact on and off with OW before he made a complete break.( he was only able to do this after being coached by my counselor on specific steps to take.)My WH was absolutely convinced at the time he filed on me that he was in love with OW and he told me our marriage was 'over and hopeless.'He even met with our minister and my counselor one time each and told them the same thing. So my advice is to remember- the fog can be so thick they can't see for miles and miles but eventually the weather turns. I would recommend that you find a good D attorney of your own and meet with them for advice but don't tell your WW since she'll probably seize on it that you're agreeing to D. Also- don't engage in D specific discussions with her- my WH was mad I wouldn't discuss that but he said in the long run my refusal to do so did influence him to repair the marriage. Take care- LIM