D-day was 16 days ago. WH has stopped contact, we have had 2 couseling sessions, seem to be making progress. My current issue is this-in the "open and honesty" vein, DH does freely admit he has strong feelings for OW. He is not acting on them, but he has them. This info makes me feel threatened, powerless and defensive. I get my porcipine quills up and it goes downhill from there.

I really do believe we can work through this, I just don't want that peice of info anymore. He is not moping around lovesick, he really is working with me, I feel. But the reality does seem to be that he has some longing, temptations etc. I just can't hear that anymore. Do I need to just learn to deal with that reality, or is it OK to start a "don't ask, don't tell "policy with regards to his current status on his withdrawel process.TIA

He's acting exactly as he should be expecting to...my wife couldn't deny her "real feelings" for a violent ex-con (a guy who did 5 yrs at that!) for some time.

Then she had a "fake" recovery for about 5 weeks, then she admitted she slept with him. So it took over a month from NC for her to come clean and start a real recovery. Heck, she even told me after the fake recovery that she had just convinced herself she was going to stay unhappily married and hold on to her feelings for the OM!

So, your H is acting normal (in a manner of speaking). You have to be strong because your going to hear more stuff you're not going to like.

What worked for me was crying instead of getting angry to her face. Show hurt, not so much anger. Also, you cannot bite his head off if he levels with you and expect him to continue being honest.

Good luck! It gets better from here!

Thanks for the encouragement, mflake. I'll admit that it kind scares me to think that all this is fake because he is in withdrawal. Can you actually work on the marriage in this time, or is it all taking care of yourself while the WS gets completely plugged in? Can they be "plugged in" while they say they have feelings for someone else?

I do believe he wants the marriage, we are communication our butts off. But once I hear "I am working on my feelings for her", I do just just down and start attacking. I feel vulnerable, threatened and defensive. Right now, I feel like I only want to be informed of action with regards to OW. If she calls, if he answers, etc. Is it unhealthly for me to say "please withhold information on the status of your longing to me"? Do I need to be able to hear that without getting threatened?

If needed, I can try to channel hurt and sadness as my reaction instead of defensive and angry.

Ok, first things first:

Since you supposedly have NC (no contact) there should be no phone calls. If she calls and he answers, he should hang up immediately; if you answer, hang up immediately. Change your number if this gets to be a problem...or tell her H or BF if either one is applicable.

See, your husband now has a girlfriend and a wife, he is telling you about his feelings for her partly because he is an alien and partly because he wants to share it with you (sick, but encouraging). He's breaking up with his GF, so he's sad.

Don't pester him with relationship talk. Be nice to him, be the best wife you can be whether he reciprocates or not. Do not totally withold sex as punishment as this will only breed resentment. You should insist on STD tests before you have sex with him again.

Keep going to MC, just keep in mind WS are big fat LIARS and may save a real low blow for when they really feel remorseful. DO NOT FREAK OUT NO MATTER WHAT!

Show him how much you love him and how much better you are than the OW...what is his incentive to stick around if you're attacking him (no matter how justified you are!).

Read about Plan A and use it, spy on him relentlessly, and set boundaries, if you need to, without being a nag.

It's tough but you can do it!

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate the alien remark, I actually smiled for the first time in a while.

The conversation we had this morning ended with the agreement that he will not verbalize to me "I have feelings/love/whatever for her". I get that, I can't listen to that right now. Maybe I am wrong and if so I hope someone will correct me. So I think we have adopted a temporary "don't ask, don't tell" policy. He is afraid I will assume he still loves her, which I may do. But him saying that he loves her-well we know that is not working. I have committed to look at his actions as evidence, I will not ask how he feels about her and he won't volunteer the info.

He will continue to inform me of actions, if she attempts contact, what action he took. He has been very open to the fact that I feel betrayed, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to show me he is trustworthy in his actions. I can't make him fall out of love with her at my discretion, so we are just going to not mention that for awhile.

I am reading all I can, I hope I have not done irresversible damage. We have been able to discuss 15 years of feelings with openess. This is the only issue we consistently get stuck on.

How do you know when the alien is leaving? Can you tell when honest work is happening? Like I said, this is the only roadblock we have hit. If I say something negative about her, he defends her, tells me to direct my anger at him. He is very protective of his "vision" of her. But, I realized yesterday why I do this, not because I need to call her a troll, I need him to understand how threatened and powerless I feel. So, I won't mention her and he will try to show me that she is not a threat.

Does this sound delusional??

Hi Jean36,

It's a soul tie problem with H and OW that is why he tries to protect her. You see when he had sex w/ her he caused a bad soul tie in his heart. I am praying because no one person on earth, no matter how much talk, therapy, whatever can remove that, only God. You are right you are powerless, but God is powerful, and he can break that soul-tie. Please go to prayer list here and ask others to pray too. Hopefully God will get that OW off his mind (mind is a part of the soul) forever!!



Love, Lady

You can work on your marriage even while he's in the fog. Just continue to be a great wife. Really think of all the little things you can do to please him. He'll remeber that later even if he doesn't appreciate it now. He'll also remember any anger you show him, so keep that down.

He's going to be a freak for a while yet, but he's still your freak so you have to take care of him a bit while he's getting over the OW. He may even fake being all better! Just keep being the good wife to him and unless he's a real nutcase he'll return to earth eventually.

To make it easier for him to come back, make yourself an irresistable alternative to the OW. Not just physically (that really helps, esp. with guys, but it helped me with my FWW also) but mentally and emotionally. By doing this you'll end up improving yourself and gaining self confidence. It's a win-win, you just have to keep it up after he comes back! Go get 'em!