I have posted on the divorce forum and now I will look for some advice here too. I didn't realize how active this forum is. I am new here too. I have been married for alomst 6 years. Physical abuse in the beginning, now mental, emotional and verbal. Especially after he's been drinking. 2 kids, 3 and 8. My husband grew up in a nightmare of a home with a control freak for a father and a mother who didn't save him. So the dysfunction runs through the family. I have already taken the responsibility that I made a very poor choice when I married my husband. I saw the signs but as the classic abuser does, he swept me off my feet. Then the real him showed his face. I have begged for him to get help, couneling, marriage counseling, he has not made a phone call. I have threatened divorce, he does not take me seriously because he knows how much I want an intact family for my children. What make it more difficult is my daughter is from my first marriage. I'm not a stupid woman, I have made stupid choices, let me clear that up. My first husband and I have a very healthy relationship as far as our daughter. My biggest hesitation is this: I can face the social stigma of being divorced twice with 2 children. But, I wish i could see into the future if my daughter will be better off with the situation as it is now or for me to simply bow out and raise the kids on my own which I am capable and able and prepared to do. My husband, when he is good he is great, when he is bad, he is evil, and you never know what it will be when he walks in the door. He drinks too much, it affects his mood terribly. I try to keep the bantering under control so the kids won't hear but I know they hear some. He is all about himself. Very selfish. Golfs all weekend long, because he needs to "relax". He has a cushy job and makes 80,000 a year but still doesnt like his job......nothing makes him happy. The final straw was last night I asked him when he came home (from driving around the country drinking beer, to relax) if he had changed the filter on the air conditioner. This was like 7:30, WAY after his quitting time is, and he immediately accuses me in a psycho way of having a problem. He said, "what is your problem tonight". I asked him to please don't start a fight, I just need the filter changed because I don't want the kids to get sick. He flips out and this goes on for hours. I have to ask him to please let the kids go to be first and then he can get mad at me. He follows me around the house like this just bantering me, finally I use reverse psychology on him and apologize to him and say it was all my fault that I shouldn't be so insensitive and ask him to change the filter when he is so tired from a "long days work"...whatever.....and he went on to say he knows what games I'm, playing, and after about 3 hours, also he would walk outside and holler expletives in our front yard. Does this seem psycho to you? It is to me and I'm tired. That just touches the surface. Anyway, does anyone have similiar experiences as this, divorced twice with children.

I can't say that I have your direct experience, but my parents did before and during the divorce when I was 9. Glad to see you leaving a person with that kind of destructive nature.

As for the filter... I recommend you read the manual and change it yourself next time. Once he's gone who's gonna do it for you? My mother learned how to replace the carburator on her 76 Mustang because she couldn't afford to have a mechanic do it. It needed to be done and I certainly couldn't do it at 9. She became a very strong woman once she started doing things for herself.

It's all about you and the kids now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Jenny, you are asking the wrong person. You see for a few years in my life, I lived with my mother and my step-father. He was abusive when he drank, verbaly and physically, he molested my older sister, and by the grace of god, I was able to stand up to him, and never allowed this to happen to me. My life was ****** for those seven years. I escaped by moving to my dad's. The memories of his abuse, and us dreading not knowing if this was going to be a day he was drunk, and if we were going to have to drive around til 2:00 a.m in the morning until the drunk finally passed out.
So, my advice would be, get out, don't subject your children to this abuse. It has long term effects on them. When I was in ic I would shake when talking about those years living with my mom and step-father.
The love is not worth the pain.
Do the right thing for you and your children.

Whew...

That definitely does sound psycho. I can't imagine treating my wife that way (even after her A).

Your husband is a loser. He most likely will never change. He has no respect for you or your children. Staying with him for an intact family is counterproductive.

Get out of the marriage, then quit getting married for a while. Get IC for whatever it is that keeps you from having a lasting marriage. Yes, that will hurt your kids but not as badly as making them watch their mother be a doormat.

Good luck.

Hi, Jenny.

Please consider you making an psychiatric appointment for him. Then tell him you have done so.

"Hubby, I made an appointment for you with Dr. xxxx. I am very worried that your rages are an indication of something physically wrong. Please keep this appointment."

From what you have described, it sounds more like bipolar disorder than an anger problem. Do realize that I am not giving you medical advice, just making an informed guess. The rages in the yard are a protective mechanism, implemented by him. He is potentially dangerous.

It is possible that his behavior is due to an illicit relationship, but that would depend on when the problem started. If it started immediately after marriage, then I would doubt there is another person involved. Either way, you need to investigate what, where and who he is spending his time with, just in case. Keep the results of your investigations to yourself. Do let us know.

Hope that helps,
Gimble

GUESS WHAT!!!! The dozen roses were delivered about 20 min ago. And you know what?? In the middle of the night while I was laying awake, I predicted that he would send roses, and what I would do with them. They are very pretty but mean absolutely zero, nothing. Anyway, I feel like such a loser for this marriage failing. Totally opposite reason for my first marriage failing. Do not worry. Marriage is not my bag and I won't do it again, but part of me is pissed that I have to take ANY of the responsibility for this failure. I have been the doting wife, good mother, tried to get him into therapy, tried and tried, loved him more, and none of it worked. When you are dealing with an abuser, do you have to take ANY of the responsibility? Because I am not willing to at this point. Screw him. I have a question for Hopeful4future.......you said you and your mom were alone and she was strong. How has your life turned out and are you better for it that she left? Believe me, it does sound stupid that I have to even ask this question, I just want to know that my children will be ok.

And no, I do not believe their is someone else. I'm sure of that, and the problems literally started on the ride home from our honeymoon. That was the first of the biggest warning signs that something isn't right here. He comes from a long line of abusers to be honest with you. I thought I was good enough that I could fix him. I'm a nurse, I'm a nurturer, and most of us are enablers because we care too much. I have to admit, I have not cried a tear over this most recent fit. I think I am numb and I am o.k in this numb state right now. I am very high functioning for what I am about to do as far as end the whole thing. I think I have stopped caring. Almost like a whipped pup, BUT this pup will be o.k., as I am actually o.k. right now thinking about the peace I will have in my home for me and the children. YAH!!! Quiet, peaceful, predictable evenings. It's been awhile since I've had those.

Jenny,

When my father left it was just me and my mom. She had incredible debt and a job that paid $5.25 /hr (1978). She was forced to become frugal with some things and had to educate herself for other things (like fixing the car). I never appreciated my mother's battles till I was out of college. To this day I have only seen one other woman who comes close to her strength... my wife (Undo).

My mother is the one person who taught me how to treat a woman. All of my girlfriends from the past and my wife agree that I am very romantic and caring towards the one I love. You can guide your children in the same way.

Jenny,

BTW - I'm very faithful to my wife and greatful for having her despite our problems. Mom did a good job of raising me.

Jenny,
Can you please clarify what you believe are the benefits to your children of your current living situation?
You seem very worried that your children will be worse off if you separate yourself from this abusive relationship. That implies you think they are receiving a current benefit. If you can tell us what you think that benefit is, we can better address your concerns.

What does BS, FWW DS DD mean? I don't understand these abbreviations. Is there some key on this site!!!! I am making myself laugh!!!! I am smiling. I just can't figure it out!!!! MAYBE IF I GOT ONE PEACEFUL NIGHT SLEEP JUST ONCE A WEEK I COULD DECIPHER THE CODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Betrayed Spouse BS, Former Wandering Wife FWW, Darling Son DS, Darling Daughter DD. Betrayed Husband BH, Betrayed Wife BW I think these are what they mean. I could be wrong, but I made a educated guess.

jenny

You will find a lot of support on VerbalAbuse.com there are many women there in your shoes who will give you some insights into what it is like to live with an abusive h.The amazing thing is that all abusive hs act in the same ways it is as if they have all been to the same school or are the same person. My h was like this while my children were growing up. They are adults now , Both of them have difficulties with relationships and problems with depression.

I stayed mainly so that they could have a "normal " family life ,Much later my son asked me why I didnt leave .It was only then that I realised how much we had been walking on eggshells for years and how much more frightening and stressfull it was for them than it was for me.

If you go to the VerbalAbuse forum you will realize that none of what is happening to you is your fault.

Best of luck

just bumping to make sure you get the message

Myopia, I am so sorry I have not replied sooner. You know the "cycle" or wheel of abuse.....well, we've, my H and and I have been in the building phase, now the explosion and therefore, I am back on the forum. I read your reply to me 3 or 4 times.
I just don't know what to do. I am going to go to that website you recommended...the verbalabuse one. And, I have totally realized that my H is absolutely an alcoholic. There is no question anymore. It is obvious. Why I have questioned it, I don't know because I am not a moron, just in denial. These decisions I have made in my life as far as the man I CHOSE to marry, it makes me sick to my stomach and SO disapointed in myself. My biggest problem......I can change him. I can take care of him and make him happy. I don't think anyone can make an alcoholic happy. It's not possible.

My WS is an alcoholic. I thought he was cured of it...but he relapsed and is now living with OW that he met the night I asked him to go stay with a friend to cool off.

I would suggest perhaps going to AlAnon and getting a therapist for you that specializes in working with not only marital counseling but addiction. I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me see how I was codependent to his alcoholism. I'm working on that. It is a tough place to be. I love this man with all my heart...but thanks to Melody and others on here I realize that I cannot save him until he is ready to be saved himself. We've tried to have him committed but he walked out. He's not ready.

Loving an alcoholic is tough. You might want to read Tough Love by Dobson. I also read Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. I wish you well...it's definitely ******...we want them to be happy so that they will quit drinking. But they don't and when we enable them instead of support they can often and will often start drinking more. Anything will become an excuse to drink. Anything will set them off. There is no logic coming from them anymore...it's all babble and often quite painful. I hope Melody reads your thread. She's been a lifesaver to me more than she knows.