I just got back from my first Al-Anon meeting. The face to face contact helps. I'm feeling good about myself right now, but it could just be that pink fuzzy cloud. I guess that's why I should keep going to meetings.
I believe that I am willing to end the marriage if my W's affair continues. She believes the same. The difference may be in timing. If things don't improve I'm thinking of starting the legal process in terms of weeks or months. She had made a statement that we should stay together at least until my daughter and her son (who does not live with us) graduate from high school ... 2 years. She said my indication that anything would happen sooner was selfish on my part. She had a couple drinks at that point, so I will take it for what it is, but the conversation seems to indicate that she is thinking of the consequences of her actions. I think I need to set her expectations in a more concrete way and I think it's a bit more complicated than saying "... stop it or else". Maybe something along the lines of "...if the affair continues our marriage will end sooner (much sooner) rather than later"

Things that I have read indicate that these types of things run their course sooner rather than later. To quote: "That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. " I'm hoping that's the case.

Things are improving. We have been drinking less and talking about our future in positive terms. I'm sensing some improvements in her self-esteem. The same issues (work, family etc..) that would make her melt down a couple of months ago are still there. The difference is that she doesn't spin out of control over these things anymore. I still have trust issues, but then again who wouldn't ?

I know in many respects, it looks like my wife is playing me for a fool. My ex-wife did a good job of that. My wife is not that strong or cold and calculating. She is a person with many issues including low self esteem and probably low willpower. There are many good aspects to our relationship. I truly believe that she wants to work things out but may lack the willpower to address her problems.

My ex-wife told me she didn't love me anymore. It was very easy to end the marriage. Oddly enough she wanted to get back togehter 3 years later. This is not the case with my current wife. If the marriage ends because of her lack of willpower, that would be tragic and heartbreaking because the love is there.

Does she have any motivation to stop drinking? Have you exposed her affair?

Robert, I went back and read your first post:


As a recovered alcoholic with 20 years of sobriety in AA, I would answer that you should not give a practicing alcoholic ANY time or "space." You are probably right that it will happen again, especially if there are no consequences. She is on a path of self destruction so giving her time and space only enables her to destroy herself - and you - faster. She will simply exploit any such opportunities you give her to enable her drinking and use you to facilitate the same.

I suppose you have been told this already, but Marriage Builders principles are not designed to help in an addiction. The addiction must be addressed before the marital problems can ever be addressed. Plan A, for example, is not ever appropriate in a situation where the WS is an addict, because they are not normal and will only use it as an opportunity to exploit you. You can't possibly meet the needs of an active alcoholic.