Hi,
I have been posting here for 2 months now. Heres my story in a nutshell:
ww goes on trip with friends and has affair w om. ww gets caught a week into affair. ww agrees to reconcile. ww flips out and leaves to stay wherever she can to continue affair. ww comes back for 2 weeks and leaves again to stay with friends or family whenever she wants to date om. I finally threw her out 2 weeks ago.
I couldn't take the cake eating crap anymore. now everytime I log into our bank account I see transactions for dates with om. She babbles about not wanting me to hate her ect.., but she is succeeding in doing just that. I truly hate her now. She knows I am stuck because I lost my job and she is paying the mortgage right now. she comes to pick up clothes and goes as she pleases. I make sure I am not home because I want to kill her half the time. she behaves around her family as if nothing is wrong. they all think she has lost her mind completely. I am starting to agree. She says she is going to get an apartment soon. As soon as she does that we have to sell this house so I can move as well. I just hate her for putting me through this for her sick fantasy with a married man.I have exposed to everyone and nothing stops these selfish sickos. I am stuck with all the responsibility of fixing up this house for sale while she just bops around wearing our ****** wedding ring with this cockroach.I want to ask her to stop wearing it just ****** cut her damn finger off to get it back. I am way past trying to work anything out with this selfish piece of ******.

Sorry you're having such a rough time.

What specifically would you like help with?

As a very wise marriage counselor once told me, anger is a sure sign you are still in love with your spouse. It is the hurt screaming for release, and all of us understand this completely. I am concerned, though, about the picture you are presenting to your wife about who YOU are, today, as a man.

You've described yourself as an angry, depressed, out-of-work man (again, all of it understandable). However, angry, depressed out-of-work men are not very attractive to most women. OM doesn't need to be much to top that. See what I mean?

I haven't read anything on your sitch except what you wrote above so forgive me if you have ... but have you tried Plan A at all yet? Did you see any success? If so, what caused that success to unravel and send WW back to OM?

~ Snow

And, P.S. do not act on your anger. Hurting another person physically will only land YOU in jail. Nothing is accomplished by violence, so don't let yourself dwell on violent thoughts. It will come to no good.

~ Snow

I am just stuck is all. I feel like I can't do anything because of my financial situation and my ww knows this.She is supposedly looking for an apartment, but I call her today and she took a half day off of work to get a haircut.I am supposed to meet with her tommorow to discuss what her plans are. I have a place lined up already I am just stuck waiting for her.All she does is work and set up dates with him and shirks all responsibility. But she says she wants to be on her own. I know she wants to leave me for this creep and I don't see any way to stop her at this point. Where do I go from here?? I need to get out of here because I am going nuts everyday thinking about them and her and all the responsibility she left me with.

kdh, seems to me you need a job, and some independence with that.
Is it likely you can find another job soon ?

Hi, kdh.

If you want to get her attention, get a job, and start to move on with your life.

If you really want to increase your chances of getting her attention, do the above, and lose your anger. To really work on her, change your focus from "how could she" to "what can I do to change the situation".

If you really, really want to get her attention, start working hard on you, but don't tell her about it. Let her find out for herself.

On the anger, I don't mean squelch it, I mean lose it altogether. Change your attitude about what's going on.

She is feeding off of your anger.

All the best,
Gimble

I have to agree with some of the above posts. You really need to get your crap together. You have to show her you have drive, that you don't need her to live your life.

One of the things that attracted my FWW to her OM was his drive to succeed. He was a full time student and had all these plans. Funny when she found out he had been a full time student and had plans for 10+ years...all supported by his dad...oh and two other women he was dated in addition to my FWW...

Anyhow...I changed my life. I show drive...work out, dress better etc. My FWW gives me her full attention now even in the presence of firemen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bottom line...you are going to have get a job with or without her.

I run a business out of my home. I din't lose my job literally. I just haven't been able to focus lately with all that is going on. I have some income coming in from my online sales but business is hard to maintain with all the overwhelming problems to deal with. My ww is gone so she doesn't get to see my anger, that's why I vent here so she won't see it.

yes I have plan Aed up the wasoo. she continues to do hurtful things anyway.All i get from her is a bunch of cop out garbage about how she doesn't deserve my attention. She is convinced that she tried to reconcile our marriage. All she tried to do was set up situation where she could have us both. Before I threw her out I was in plan A. Plan A did not stop her from staying out all night and basically saying I don't want you anymore, at least not as a lover or husband just a convienience for her (I keep track of all the bills, household ect..). I got tired of jumping through hoops while she just carried on expecting me to accept her with om and having me at the same time. she voiced this to me in mc and at home. I am not sharing my wife with om. that's insane to me. I really just want out. Yes I love her but she just seems to be to far gone now.I can't see ever respecting her again after what she has done and continues to do.

kdh, why did you tell us you lost your job, when in truth you lost your will or ability to do your job ?

You have the right to respond in any way you choose to yoru WWs infidelity, but you should know that drama, 'martyrdom' and pathos aren't usually great 'lighthouse' behaviours.

You may want to make a gesture to WW to make her feel bad about how YOU feel, but it won't work. You must attract her back to you.

All blessings.

I know none of these responses helps I'm just frustrated.
I don't know what to do to attract her back and it gets to the piont where I feel I am jumping through hoops for nothing. She is still actively seeing om and I just feel like a fool trying to compete with this cockroach.She keeps telling she wants to distance herself from me because she feels so bad when I give her any type of loving attention.She knows she doesn't deserve it.Right now she is staying with her younger sister because she is the only one in her family that won't try to stop her from seeing om (blinders).It seems like sometimes it would be easier to go out and date people to forget and move on.No other activities (gym, business,concerts ectt.) help me to forget.

I guess my main point of anger is that she is willing to give up all that we worked for to persue this om. i know needs weren't being met ect.. but we weren't that miserable.She never told me she was unhappy until she started fooling around with om.Whom coincidently is unhappy in his marriage (seperated). she didn't even know this about him until last week, this seems to have drawn her closer to him. it just seems like an unwinnable battle right now.

kdh, I hate to tell you this, but the war has just begun. You are already declaring defeat and the war just started. That is not how this works. The affair is going to run its course. If you would just stand back and have a little patience, you might be able to save your marriage.

I know you are angry, and this isn't fair, but you are just going to have to slow down and let this thing run its course. When you see your W, just be as pleasant as possible and focus on trying to attract her back.

Ok. I see her tommorrow to discuss how to handle the selling of the house once she starts paying rent elswhere. How do i approach trying to attract her back when we are discussing seperation. i can't force her to want to live here and I don't know how to handle it.I know once i move out i will probably meet someone and just give up. I am trying to delay this as long as possible but I don't know how.She is isistant on getting an apartment.I know once that happens I am doomed.I just don't know how long I can stay faithful to her and wait around for her to snap out of this. the affair could last a year or more for all I know.

Well, isn't her name on the mortgage too?

Yes her name is on the mortgage. When I asked her how we were going to pay the mtg while she rented she said "I have no idea, I haven't thoguht that far ahead". she is in lala land and probably would just let the property go into forclosure for this om. she is completly blind and stupid right now. That's what is so scary for me right now. She is willing to let everything go (student loans, credit cards, mtg) for the sake of having fun with om. when I talk to her she just sits and says um,um,um. If don't take the lead on every responsibility she just ignores them. She has always been one to bury her head in the sand. It's like I am dealing with a 19 year old child or something. She says she wants to make her own decisions yet she is incapable of doing anything. A perfect example: she is supposed to be looking for a place. She took a half day from work to get a haircut. It's like she has no clue how serious the situation is. she just bops along as if all this is normal or something. convinced that everything will end happily at her conveinience and we will be good friends or something. Why do you think I want to give up so bad? I can't deal with this crap for 6 months and then have any respect left for this child.