WH and I have been together 17 years, married 11, no kids DD Day was 7/10, WH is the boss, OW a single employee. Living in Hungary with him for 5.5 years. I came to the US for 3 weeks to settle myself down. Our apt was being sold and had to move out on 8/10. So I went back to finish packing. During those 2 weeks I was there he wrote a NC but it didn't last even 24 hours. I wanted to do plan A but WH really didn't want me around (no suggestion of moving into a new apt together). He said I could get my own place there but it would be "awkward" if we ran into each other on the street (obviously w/her on his arm). I did everything I could to convince him I would do everything necessary to save our marriage. Would make those changes gladly if he would just give me the chance. The pull of OW was just too much.

He went back and forth constantly, telling me things like the best decision he ever made was marrying me. Loved me, I was the best wife, etc. When he looks to the future he only sees me, not her. The biggest unmet need we both agreed was not enough recreational companionship. People always told us they could see we loved each other alot (even up to the weekend I found out). In the end he said "I don't want to choose, I can't choose".

I felt that my only option was plan B. So I am back in the US with my family, which have been extremely helpful and comforting (I'm lucky!). Our 11th anniv was 8/27 and he sent me roses, I did talk to him. He said alot of things that would give one hope, but I imagine it's just stuff he thinks I want to hear. One thing was "reality is setting in and I don't like it". What kills me is all these things are said, but he continues to be with her!!

I really want to know...am I doing the right thing? I've read thru the MB site, His Needs/Her Needs, SAA, and IMO find some contradictory things about separation. One says it's extremely risky (which I understand) and leads to divorce faster than if you stay together, the other that you pretty much have to do it if the WS won't leave the lover. Hard to stay together in a foreign country w/no place to live!

Except for our anniversary there has been no contact. He said he doesn't like it, but realizes it's what he needs to get it thru his head. This is killing me. He was supposed to have gone to a therapist but I have no idea if he went thru with it. I know that I have to do this, I really want to save my marriage more than anything. It's hard listening to everyone tell me to go on, forget it, he won't come back.
Don't hang on to every little scrap...but I just can't help it.

At the airport I gave him my wedding ring, and took his. Told him when and if he wants to, to come to the US and put it back on my finger. Each day is excruciating. I think of all kinds of scenarios for our future, good and bad. I hate being in this limbo! I can't really get settled in an apartment/job because I have no idea how long this will continue. I'm sure though, that when the time comes for it, I'll know it. Did get a fun part time job so it helps to be around people,etc. Plan B sucks, but I hope and pray it will be successful in the end!

The OW is 33, never married and she got the "boss". He knows she's already had sex with two other of his employees. Everyone is telling him she's out for his money, status, BMW, and will get pregnant! I agree. His whole thing about her is "she's a happy person and we get on really well", that he "doesn't know her that well". The fog talk is amazing. I told him there's probably a reason she's 33, never married, and has had a string of one nighters, failed relationships, etc and there's a REASON we've been together for 17 years and were happy for 16 of them!! Will he ever wake up???

Hi Michi,

I was hoping to only see you here with better news.

Right now my advice for you would be to start taking care of Michi! It's now all about you. Continue a Plan B with a Plan A attitude (be kind in your corrospondence with your WH). Hopefully, he will come to "know" her better and see the OW for who she really is.

Read, read, read...that was my best medicine. Have you thought about IC (individual counseling) for yourself?

I will continue to keep you in my prayers and check on you.

Peace,

holiday

Thank you holiday! It means alot that you remembered my previous posts. I am continuing to read, and I keep a journal. Thinking about IC but not sure yet. Got the book "My husband's affair was the best thing that happened to me". Told him about it during our one conversation. He immediately said "send it to me" so I did. That's what confuses me so much...he reads all this stuff too! Says it's all true, etc...but still doesn't want to make a decision. Whatever.....:)

Now I'm starting to feel like giving up. I don't want to, but it's hitting me hard. I'm so tired of crying, being alone, being sad. I want to send him an email at the one month mark (this coming thursday) and ask him where he is now emotionally. Not sure if that's wise, but I asked him to let me know occasionally.

My Mom says what would be hard for her in this situation is that he "put me on the plane twice". Yeah, it is hard, this whole thing just sucks. There's guys already approaching me (it's a small town, word gets out fast). I won't get involved as I know that's the worst thing you can do. What if WH takes too long and I've lost the desire to work it out, lost love? I'm really afraid of that. Afraid I might meet someone else.

I'm supposed to take care of me now, what does that mean?
Should I move on and start everything over...job, city, apartment? What if I start it, and 2 months later he shows up? I'm just throwing these things out there because that's what churning in my brain all the time. Guess I should get some IC to straighten out my plan, thinking.

Okay Little One,

My Mother always told me, "never ask questions if you might not like the answer". Hard to do, but just sit back a bit. You've made a major statement by moving back here to the US. And good for you. You are with people who love you and will support you.

It would be hard for me to let either of my two children go back into the fire (so to speak) should they be going through the emotional tug a war you are right now, and michi, it is "just right now".

You are doing great. No matter how sad and how much you cry, and you have every right to feel this way. It will pass.

Go out if you feel like going out. If you don't, don't. If you do, let the person know what you are dealing with right now and if they would like to be a friend to you, then so be it.

If your WH takes too long and you do meet someone else, so sorry for him...it will be just too d*mn bad.

Taking care of you means exactly that. TAKE CARE OF YOU!

Time to be a little selfish. Workout, get a makeover, read, take some classes, enjoy a new job, be around people who think you are all that and a bag of chips!

If in two months your H shows up, well introduce him to the "new you".

Yes, check into IC. Could be very helpful, just to put some peace in your life.

I will check on you. Enjoy your Saturday,

holiday

This was posted today by another MB friend of mine going through the same senario with the OW being a close friend and neighbor:
Here is more on 180: I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope
this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Oh Holiday...you are the best!! Thank you so much, your words help more than you know. I'm doing better!

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What progress have you made on your personal goals?