After much thought and dealing with MIL wanting to see the kids w/o me...and indirectly placing the blame for her son on me, I decided to write her a letter. It has to beat the calls that get no where.
Please evaluate and give suggestions...

"Dear Patty and Dave,
I hope this letter finds you doing well. As a result of the negativity in our last conversations I felt that writing this letter was necessary. The past 13 ½ months have been very difficult and painful for both the children and I. I can imagine how difficult it has been for you. It is not my intention to minimize the overwhelming feeling of deceit, disappointment and distrust that you must feel. It is also not my intention to in any way hurt either of you. I respect and care about both of you and the entire family.
Many people have been hurt and their lives permanently changed by very bad decisions that Adam has made. I have done everything in and beyond my power to help him, be there for him, and love him through everything. I gave everything I had, and much I didn’t, for him. I strongly believe in my vows and my family. I believe in change, and forgiveness. Therefore made the pledge to Adam to be there to support him in every possible way, when he was ready to put his family first and put an end to the destructive relationship and lifestyle he is living. For the past 13 ½ months he has bounced back in forth between houses, lives, and morals. I can not fathom the hurt that has been inflicted.
The resulting drama and painful events have been very hard for me, and have put my own personal life in a state of turmoil. I can only imagine it has done the same for you. I wish greatly that none of this had happened.
The most upsetting and disturbing factor in the entire situation is the effect on Alex and Hailey’s life. They have essentially lost the Father figure in their live. During the past year, they have moved across the country, changed daycares twice, and lost a parental role. The outrageous events have taken a toll on everyone, and sheltering them from that is my #1 job. Overall, they are doing great and have overcome the drastic changes. My #1 job in life is to protect and love my children. Unconditional love, stability and a schedule have all been very important elements in helping them cope with the changes in their lives.
They both talk about you both and Uncle Nick often. I in no way have any intention of keeping them from having a relationship with you or the family. At this time, I do not feel comfortable leaving them anywhere without me. It is not that I have any doubt that you love and care about them a great deal. It is my job to be their Mom, and always be there for them. Through everything, that is the best I can do. I can only hope that you understand and respect that. Again, they would love to visit with you, but I am not comfortable leaving them alone, anywhere.
Respectfully,
Danielle E. Johns"

The letter is fine...and it will help you in your being able to know that you attempted to convey to them that you did all you could do.

But remember these words...they come from a woman who went thru this very scenario w/her IL's...their son is their son. Once the line of a divorce is drawn into the sand, they do not see things exactly your way....because they are still in denial. Many parents react this way btw...

It's soooo hard to have them understand that your H has turned into this person. They do not want to accept this and will hope beyond hope and blame you...that is until his reality shows them differently.

As with my xh, my xil's have villified me passively over the last 2 years. Minimized their son's whole involvement with OWomen, affairs, abuse. Only when their newest daughter in law/affair monger goldigger, family values, came to MIL crying with a bruised face and stories of adultery and abuse did my FIL stand up and say "Darth did this to Peach...it's the same thing over again". And at my son's birthday party they looked miserable. They understand now that it's thier son who is the problem. But they are NOT willing to burn any bridges with him and are not extending an olive leaf to me either as a result.

Reality is cruel and they will see it. Let your WH and the OW give them a hefty serving.

Most likely, your words will best serve YOUR emotional needs and conscience. It is good toknow you did and said all you could do.

I remember telling my xIL's (then IL's) that I filed for divorce because there was nothing else to do. And that I proceeded ahead with it sadly and with regret for the actions of Darth. And that had Darth attempted a true, heartfelt change, I would stop those proceedings. He did not change. And I continued ahead.

It's not about looking back now. IT is about surviving and keeping the kids at the focus...and your new job and career. Don't focus on the foggy. Their reality is askew ok hon?

What I have learned in dealing with my MIL is not to say anything at all about my behavior or how bad his was but simply to say this: "If our son had done this to his wife, I think it would have hurt me more than my husband doing this to me." "I feel uncomfortable with having my kids away from me" is a gracious and totally defensible way to explain your actions because no one can argue with feelings!

Cherished

It is a very nice and respectful letter ...
In addition to all the things we have to deal with, there is also the in-laws ... especially the MIL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

When I found out about the A I called MIL, looking for support ... after all her H cheated on her and even had an OC which was the same age as her daughter ...
Well, she told me the A was my fault! and a lot of horrible things ...
After trying to have a 'normal' conversation with her unsuccessfully, I wrote her a letter ... not as nice as yours ... and I even told her I didn't want DD to be close to her ... I know ... mean ...
She wrote me a letter back ... not apologizing but it was not a bad letter ... I could tell she was hurt by my letter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ...

But after that and a lot of thought, I understood that no matter what Hs do ... their mothers will always defend them ... I wouldn't expect less from a mother ... she went through her own A/OC situation and after 36 years they still together and married ...
No matter what my relationship is with xH, DD deserves to get to know her grandparents ...
I visited her last year for DD's first BDay nd she even throw a party for her ...
Now we keep in contact ... politely ...

good luck!

Dani-

I like the letter, I think it explains your position very well. I think that if there are tensions that a letter is the best way to get your feelings across without all the debate.

The other posters are right, blood is thicker than water, but surely your IL's can see what their son is doing, even if they choose not to believe it's his fault.

My experience with my MIL is a little different, she is always going to be on her son's side, as far as helping him, etc. But she has told me that she thinks he is wrong and that she thinks he is doing wrong by our daughter. She also asked me "Caren, how long are you going to put up with this?" She has also said that I have been good for her son.

Unbeknownst to me she told my husband "You know Caren's not going to divorce you......" He said "We've got it all worked out, we're getting a dissolution, she's going to sign the papers" To which my mother in law said "Yeah well, she still has to show up in court and tell the judge that she wants it, and I don't think she's gonna do it". (She's more right than she could know).

It sucks that any of us is being put in this position, it's not right. I think that I romanticize my marriage, and that's why it's so hard to let go. It's so hard to not think of all the good times, and how things were in the beginning......that's what I hold onto, but my grip on those memories is beginning to slip, I'm very close to the end of my rope, as I'm sure you are.

I, like you, can't put an end to this.......I can't be the one to put the death nail in this relationship, if it's going to be over, it's him that's going to have to deal our marriage that death blow, I cannot, in good conscience, participate in its willful destruction.

I hope that your letter is well received by your MIL, I hope that your in laws will put themselves in your shoes.

You're doing the right thing Dani, protecting those kids, and at the end of the day, you can go to sleep knowing that you've done everything you can do to ensure those kids are taken care of.

God Bless You Dani,

-Caren

That sounds great...

Perhaps you can add another boundary about phone calls...how they can call you, if they can call you, how you want them to contact you...email?

Any other boundaries you want to bring up? Like if you want news of Adam, or no news, are you in Plan B? I think they may like to hear that you don't want to pick apart hteir son every time you talk with them...just the opposite. Perhaps an explanation of what Plan B is...protecting what love you have left?

Anything else?

One thing, break it into smaller paragraphs so it's easier to read... I was worried about the letter, but I really dont see anything wrong. I really like Cherished's extra comment.

Good luck - Dru

SMIH,
I took your suggestion about adding a paragraph about Plan B. I think it is important. I also added 'The toll free number is always a good way to contact me' to the end. I have no problem with them calling me. They are not the type would call to argue. My MIL is a paranoid conflict avoider. If after this she chooses to call me, it would be because she is OK with the children visitation terms, or has an issue that she needs to tell me about.

How is this, to add about sepeprating myself from the communications regarding the affair?

"It is now my goal to re-gain a bit of normality and peace in our lives, as well as protect the love that I still have for Adam. In order to provide stability and emotional peace for both the kids and I, I have to separate myself from the drama and communication about Adam, Mrs. Cicci, and their affair. Important information about changes made is the only thing I feel that is necessary to communicate about."

Peacy,
You are correct, in a way this serves my emotional needs. I feel like I need to explain to her, the best that I can, how things are and how I feel. I havn't ever actually done that.

Cherished, Peachy, and Mily,
It probably won't make a difference in how she feels or acts. I can only hope it would, but I understand that it probably wont. However, I will know that I did everything I could.

Caren,
I filed for the divorce, and it should be final in October. (if all goes well) I personally would like him to just not show up again. It is NOT what I wanted, but it is what I HAD to do. I couldn't put the kids OR myself through anymore of his hate and hurt.

Drucilla,
I will edit the paragraphing, thank you for the suggestion.


Danielle

I love ya...but please leave out any paragraph describing a plan this or plan that. He's out in lala land. You're in plan D now.

I would NOT go any further than say that you had done all you could do...and would have prior to this point, at any time ended divorce if WH had shown a real attempt at change. That's all that needs to be said. Your WH did not. He's extremely destructive and still spiraling outta control w/ his affair partner. Your IL's need to find this out firsthand without YOUR involvement for truth and light to be shed.

This is about not plan a or b or anything at this point. You'll find lots of support at the divorcing forum now. It is about self preservation for you and the kids. He is a maniac. Adam is not the man you married anymore.

Your words were fine for the IL's. And they may or may not shed any light to them. It is my firm belief that WS parents must have the foggy idiots SHOW them their actions for truth to be made known and clear. Let him and Ms. Cicci ( think you need to nickname her btw) have their actions show their morality or lack thereof...who'd want yelling screaming bottle wielding intoxicated people under their roof? Along withg several kids they don't know who are NOT related to them? Let this scenario go on for a while and the IL's will be seeing the light...

But then again, they are in protective mode about their son...they believe his lies. And you're made out to be the villain b/c THEY NEED TO BELIEVE THEIR SON IS NOT THIS MONSTER HE'S MOST LIEKLY BECOME. It is about saving their sanity...this is why they are reacting this way.

My xIL's looked horrible at my son's bday party. They'd put on weight(at least 30 or more each). Countenance (face and wear and tear) was evident of stress and pain. Were straining to smile (what I witnessed after knowing them at least a decade now). And it looked imho like they were bewildered living in a bad dream. Ah...finally some light is being shed onto the lies huh? But it's too late for my family. Xh had his way and destroyed all in his path...and ow/w is still destructive... but I warned her...said if my son sees ANY more negative actions (coming home and seeing door broken down...wh did it before son got there) I will contact my lawyer and take them both to court and call child protective services over to interview her about why she is allowing this to happen with HER kids around....I am almost in "take em all to jail" mode myself.

For sanity, it's good you sent it. Trust me, your wacko Stbxh knows you'd take him back if he changed FOR GOOD. Nobody is unaware now that you did not try all you could do. Adam has NEVER been held accountable for his actions in his life. And now it's time to pay the piper. He is being held accountable. And this is why theyr'e fighting you ok? Most likely when he was a kid it was something like this...with parents and bad behavior...I am surmising what may have happened for decades ok? Parents: Adam! Did you steal that cookie from the cookie jar before dinner? We've said time and again no cookies before dinner. Did you do it? Adam: No. I don't know how the cookie jar got down from the counter. Swear I dont' know mom. Parents: Adam, then no cookies for you and you're getting a time out after dinner. NO tv. NO video games! Adam: (beginning to cry.) I swear I won't do it again. I didn't want to...I was just so hungry I couldn't wait until dinner and had to eat sumthin'. Adam then storms off to room where he wails and cries and carries on. Does this until it's dinner time. Parents then follow him to his room and try to make him eat his dinner. Talk gently to him. After all it was the "parents" who made adam cry right? Then in desperation they say to him the following...Parents: Adam, do you swear you won't touch the cookies again? IF you promise NOT to, we'll let you have a few after dinner. And no time out. We think you have learned your lesson...heck your poor little eyes are so swollen from allt his crying ok? Adam: stops crying and eats his dinner. After dinner, he takes his cookies and milk to his room where he proceeds to play his video games and watch tv.

Get it? This is the path of this guys' life. And was same from my xil's ...they treated my xh this very way. Adam and Darth are both master manipulators. And their parents were not able to teach any kind of boundary for bad behavior. Plus by their passive parenting, they "taught" darth and Adam that they can manipulate people into giving them their way thru words, crying, etc.

Can you see this differently?

I was minor in behavioral psych/child psych ok? I have read extensively on this...and can say effectively my son does NOT get away with not being punished. HE knows cause and effect well by age 7. Adam and Darth know that for them, cause and effect do not exist. Only pain they expeience is if something is taken away from them...all pain understood is result of something happening to THEM. They can't get a grip on if somebody else hurts (you, your children, their parents, their friends, coworkers, etc). Adam may also be a narcissist as well. But these are things YOU can't fix. Adam would have to one day realize this on his own...and fervently seek help...which may or may not work ok? I understand this about my xh. And realize that it was a ticking time bomb in my marriage all along b/c I did NOT know he was wired incorrectly...that he had these signs and symptoms. As long as darth stayed immeasureably happy in our M things were fine..but when Darth one day did not come first (most likely after our son was born) and a shift in him being the primary focus each and every minute, that was when the "perceived" rift occured to Darth. This happens alot with narcissistic folk.

I'd REALLY LIKE TO SEE THESE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS ADDRESSED HERE ON MB...WOULD LOVE DR. HARLEY TO ADJUST OR TWEAK THE PRINCIPALS TO WORK FOR MANIPULATOR WS' AND NARCISSISTIC WS'. Some principles work, but we need help in id'ing these kind of people....and trying to find a way to speak their language or get to them to try to begin helping a marriage in crisis.

Dani,

It's nice to think you can close out all info about WH & OW. But you can't. In this case, they are actually, physically dangerous, and you need to know their whereabouts and (roughly) state of mind at all times.

This isn't a normal situation.

A.M. You are correct. I tried to address that when I said important information about changes....etc..
It probably could be a bit clearer, that I didn't mean change about him and OW, I meant him in general, such as location and employment.
Would "Important information about changes made, such as general whereabouts is the only thing I feel that is necessary to communicate about."
be better?

Danielle

Just,
I did change a few things about the letter, as SMIH suggested, but it in no way represents plan A nor plan B.

Adam ruled his land with his mother. She doesn't deal with problems, AT ALL. No punishment at all, nothing. Adams step father was a physical punisher. If Adam acted out of line, he would get beat, then nothing about it again.
He learned as long as he caused trouble with his mother around, he was fine. To this day she does not deal with problems. She can't deal with life. She hides in her room when anything 'bad' happens.

MIL knows about OW #1 being pregnant with Adams child when our soon was 4months old...she said 'accidents happen' and then went to her room. This was during a 'lay it all out on the table talk' with WH, ME, MIL and FIL that we had in September of last year.

OW needs a nickname...homewrecker is too general. Court security officer calls her 'His Bimbo' :rollseyes:

Danielle