O.k.- OWH didn't wait to let OW know that we talked. I got a call at work today from WH saying that he just received a disturbing call from OW. OW told him that I had called OWH.

HE IS SO ANGRY.

WH tried to change the story of the contact, saying that the CD came over on a delivery truck????? And that they actually did not meet, they just talked on the phone?? I told him that I did not buy that. He went on about what did I think I was trying to accomplish - I told him I was doing what I believed in and trying to save our M.

WH said how? by getting OW beat up? I said what happened?? He said I don't know, OW was crying. She won't tell me anything now though. He said that OW wanted to pay me a visit... Oh boy.

He said I was malicious and vengeful. "You are trying to get her killed." I said that no, you continuing to contact her is the danger. He said "No, me telling you about the contact was what put her in danger. Me trying to contact her does not put her in danger."

After I got home & DS was in bed WH asked me if the next time I talked to OWH if I would tell him that I misunderstood about the contact & the CD came over on a truck. HE WANTS ME TO LIE & COVER UP FOR THEM. He said to please do him that favor to try & help straighten things out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

He wanted to know again WHY I called OWH. Gave him back the same line as usual. He said, didn't you believe me the first time that she got beat up after you dropped off the letter. Now you have gone & done it again. OWH is a ******** Lunatic. And now you are buddies with him.

WH: This really puts a wedge in between us now. Things were calm here and calm there. Now you have gone and stirred up things again.

WH: You don't know how things have really dwindled down between OW and me. We used to talk all the time. Now, hardly at all. I told you I would try to not contact her, but I couldn't promise. Now I am really concerned about her and am thinking about her more.

WH: There is no warmth in me for you. Now you've put us all back in danger. I think that you want OWH to come after me & he just might. Do you want DS to grow up without a Dad?

Some of my responses: I don't think that my actions have caused all of this. Why would the two of you continue an Affair knowing that OWH is a lunatic?

I am sorry you think I am malicious. I do not wish harm on anyone. I do not believe in your secret with Lisa, that is why I contacted OWH. Do you think I am just the weak wife who is going to sit around and let this go on? The little southern girl who does everything everybody tells her? I am fighting for this M. I knew you'd be angry with me. You are mad at me b/c OW is mad at you.

WH: No, I am mad b/c of the danger you have put everyone in. I know you aren't stupid so the only reason that you contacted OWH is to get her physically hurt.

ARGH. WH is pushed to the edge & I have never seen him this angry. He is sleeping in the extra room tonight.

Please help me get through this!!!!! Now he says that there is no hope for us.

thanks!

Kimberly
D-Day, May 14th
DS, age 5
Married 13 years

lol! No, there was no hope for you as long as the affair continued! This is just an idle threat served up to get you to stop interfering with his affair! Where, oh where, have we heard this before?? Oh yeah, we hear this threat on this forum EVERY DAY! lol

translation: I am trying to scare you into leaving my affair alone!

Calm down and stop trying to justify yourself. You simply tell your H that you intend on staying in constant contact with the OWH until his affair ends. You will do whatever it takes to kill his affair.

Tell him: I am so sorry you are upset, dear, but I intend on staying in constant contact with the OWH until you end the affair. Smile sweetly, tell him you love him and leave the room.

STOP TRYING TO REASON WITH A CRAZY MAN!!

Now, call his boss, Kim, and get that over with. Your H is already furious that you are ruining his affair, might as well make his fury WELL WORTH IT and get it all over at once.

This guy is so full of BS that I'm surprised you don't laugh in his face. I think I would tell him that you are done listening to his outrageous whoppers. Tell him that you will continue to try to save your marriage, and to tell someone else the truck bringing the CD story.

Then you might think about going into Plan B.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me... Philippians 4:13

How about saying a prayer, Kim. God is on your side in this, and wants you to win. Ask him to give you strength tonight to stand strong against this evil wind>

Just look at it like this: you just walked into the crack house and turned on the light. The crack addicts are FURIOUS!!! They will attack you and call you mean and hateful to get you to STOP, STOP, STOP!!!

Are you going to stop? Or are you going to leave the light on so the crack addicts can withdraw from their ugly, evil addiction? You will have to listen to their screams while they withdraw? Are you strong enough to do what is right or are you going to what is EASY and take the cowards way out and turn the light back off?

They will love you more if you pleeeeeeeease turn off the light and let them smoke crack again. Does your desire to be liked outweigh his best interests and the best interests of your marriage? The best interest of your son's family?

Tell him: I am so sorry you are upset, dear, but I intend on staying in constant contact with the OWH until you end the affair. Smile sweetly, tell him you love him, and leave the room.

I think the OW is using your husband and lying to him. If she was being beaten, and believe me I have been through that, the LAST thing on her mind would be having an affair and angering her husband.

That's right there was no hope as long as the A was going on. He is trying to tell me that there was virtually no contact going on at all and that he "slipped up" on Saturday. He was trying to do NC with OW.

He is definitely trying to scare me. I am still having a problem standing up to him and telling him I am going to keep in touch with OWH.

Do I really need to start thinking about Plan B?????? Or wait to see if he contacts OW again. He said that he really won't be calling her now. That I actually got what I wanted.

Kim

Stand up and show him that you are not going to back down. Like Melody says, expose some more.

Whatever he says, ignore it and be a broken record. Tell him you will do what it takes to save your marriage.

Prayer has been said. I pray that God will give me the strength that I need to stand up against this and to stand strong for what I believe in. I can do this with the strength of Christ.

He says he's not mad b/c of me not keeping the secret. He's mad about the potential danger. At this point I think I can take not being liked. I don't know for how long I can take it, but for now I am ok.......

I will not back down. I will stand strong.

Believer: I have been so wondering about OW lying to WH about the abuse. I have been thinking of bringing it up with OWH....What do you think??

Kim

We'll see, talk is cheap. But he should be told that you fully intend on staying in touch with the OWH. NO MATTER WHAT. There is no reason to NOT stay in touch with him until your H has rebuilt trust. Kim, don't you DARE act like you are the one who is in the wrong here,ok? Promise me you will not allow him to make you out to be the bad guy.

See, you can withstand his anger, Kim. You are MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT!

Don't bring it up. He is too stupid (read addicted) right now. He won't believe you.

But I was with an abusive man (kid's dad) for 10 years. I worked at the shipyard and had lots of chances for an affair. It was the LAST thing on my mind. I spent my time worrying about not getting my husband angry, walking on eggshells.

I really believe that she is using your husband. That is why she won't "tell him what happened".

In fact, the next time you talk to WH, I would let him know that he is being accused of beating his wife.

And IF (small, small chance) it was true, her only help will come from calling the police and putting her husband in jail.

Absolutely he should be told this, Kim! I just assumed you had told him everything. Please call him tomorrow and tell him this and tell him about his W calling your H to inform him that you spoke to him and threatened to beat you up.

Melodylane & Believer - You guys help me stand strong!

WH did actually say this to me: "You can't see where you have done something wrong here? You won't even admit you have done something wrong?"

Yeah, someone who has had an A has standards now?? He admitted that he didn't have any room to talk.

So I am going to have to get good at knowing whether or not there has been contact. How in the world do I do that now???

I know I am not the bad guy. I am not the bad guy. I am not the bad guy. I AM NOT THE BAD GUY.

I will not let him make me think that Melodylane. No way.

Thanks so much for being here for me tonight!!!!!!!!

I truly believe that OW is playing the abuse card to get my WH madder at me. It just does not make sense to go out & have an A if your H makes you scared for your life. Believer, you are so right!

Hey, does anybody remember the words to "These Boots Are Made for Walking" by Nancy Sinatra? My mom used to play that record for me when I was a little girl & I would prance around the house in my black patent, below the knee boots singing away! I happened to have that original album still. Recently pulled it out & have been playing it & singing it when WH is not around. It really gets me pumped up!

WH used to play that song for me on his guitar & I would sing. Funny how that has become a "theme" song of mine.

Kim

O.k., I will tell OWH about the abuse stuff. Can't hurt anything at this point. I don't know if OW wants to beat me up...I asked WH about that & he said he didn't know, but OW was planning on bringing someone with her in case she "got out of hand." I said Oh, goodie.

He tried to claim that at one point if I would have called OW and gotten angry with her that it would have ended things much sooner than the route I am taking now. I don't get that. He said that OW used to empathize with my situation. Yeah, right.

Kim

my H and the OW told me OWH would come after ME if I contacted him-they said "you don't know what kindof man you're dealing with" and "if you continue to try to make contact with him-God help you"

and then...in case i didn't care about my own personal safety (which i didn't) my H told me the OWH threatened tobeat HIM up if i tried to call him again (now that did worry me and i called OW crying and told her i wouldn't contact her H again)

well...after i found out the OW and my H were living together I did contact OWH again...he laughed at the thought of me needing to be scared of him and said that he has no interest in beating up my H because "my H and his wife means nothing to him anymore and he doesn't want her back anyway"

so...i wouldn't believe your H at all.

and if he says anything about it again...i'd say...if you really cared about OW you wouldn't keep contacting her and putting her in danger since i've made it perfectly clear that I WILL contact her H. seems to me if she were really in danger, both of them are responsible for their own choices and the outcome.

Eav - I am worried about the possibility of OWH going after my WH, but he put himself in that situation NOT ME.

I just need to make it clear to WH that I will keep in touch with OWH.

Wow, so in your case OWH was made out to be a bad person & he was harmless. Amazing how this is such a common line.

Kim

Kim, you are getting stronger and stronger. You are no longer falling for his nonsense. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are a good teacher! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"I truly believe that OW is playing the abuse card to get my WH madder at me."

No, I think she is playing the abuse card to take your husband away from you. It makes your husband feel like the rescuer. But I think a sane person can see that if she was in an abusive situation, the police and court system would help her.

I'm curious, why doesn't your husband think that she could be helped by the police and the courts?

How can the OW come beat you up after her H beat her up? Hmmm?!?@?!?! Babble pure babble.

Ok, tell your WS that you are so concerned that you have now called the police to get instructions on how to file a harrassment suit. If the OW and the rest of the world from such a 'lunatic' that now you have the procedures so he can file for and RO (restraining order).

If he tries to get out of it, call him on the carpet and say, see if it is not that important, then either you are exaggerating or plain lying, now stop it WS. LOL!!!!

Give him the tools and see what he does. Most babblers fall apart when pushed to the grind.

Make sure you let the OWH know that his W and the WS are spreading rumors to damage his character. Remind him it is essential he NOT be violent even though you understand how upset he might be. Ask him if it is possible for you and him to meet so you can both put all the rumors behind both of you.

If Ow's H says he is sooo angry, he might beat up his W, then warn him to not involve you. Let him know that the WS is babbling about everybody being in danger. So that the OW's H can calm down and help you squelch the A instead of adding to it.

Expose the lies.

L.