AGG, I guess we'd have to see the e-mail, in the context that was presented I heard her say "Your the only one who knows how much I dislike his kids, well they got pinworm and that makes them even more disgusting"

In the scenario your trying to advocate she would have had to say something lik "You the only one who understands my aversion with germs, well Festers kids got pinworm"

I think in the context that it was presented that you devil playing is a stretch....

Fester, about the councelling. Again, talk with them on the phone. Arrange an appointment for you. And ask the professional therapists advice on how to proceed.

Bill,

I mostly agree with your interpretation. That's why I said I was being the devil's advocate, rather than I really thought that it was only about the pinworm and not about the kids.

Still, I would hate for fester to throw out the baby with the bathwater, so I think some benefit of the doubt might be in order. At the same time, additional discussions, premarital counseling, and perhaps even snooping might be in order, as we all agreed.

AGG

Fester,

I think the source to which you need to look to to guide you in your uncertainty, is not some out -of-context email that may be read many ways and have different intentions attributed to it BUT to your own children. They are young but children have an uncanny way of judging adults. I think if your fiancee had a real "aversion" to your children, they would not feel as you yourself describe them.


Please talk to her and talk with your kids. You will learn a lot more from them than a councelor. Also, ask yourself how YOU really feel how she treats your children. On the evidence of their interaction, not on the evidence of an email that may be misinterpreted. Good good luck. I just hate for you to do something that you may regret in the future, especially with a new child coming.

I have a really difficult time with anything that is "sticky" (childhood trauma) When my brother first had a child, he kept asking me why I did not hug and kiss his child whenever I came to the house. Let's face it, children are always sticky. He saw in me what he interpreted as a dislike of his child, but once I wiped off the stickyness, I just played and hugged and kissed his child. I had an aversion to stickyness not his children. He understood once I explained and we often laugh about "MY" trauma.

My best to you

Hmm. Groundstone's suggestion of talking to the children is a good one. However, I disagree with the premise that the children like her because they ask after her.

When we're in the throws of infatuation, we tend to let it color everything, and we misinterpret. Add to that the children are very savvy, and Fester's children may want to make daddy happy by acting like they like the GF, and you have a receipt for disaster.

I suggest the counselor for advice, talking to the children, and having the children talk to the counselor about the girlfriend.

Well, I went and did it. It's been building up, and I didn't realize that I was treating her differently but, I obviously was and, she asked the age old questions this morning, "Are we alright?" My reply was such that we needed to get to counseling ASAP (which we had been discussing since Saturday), to which she asked what was wrong. I raised the pin worm issue letting her know that she never even questioned how my daughter was doing, much less what if it was OUR child that had the condition? Would she have been so repulsed had it been her child? She also had made comment the previous evening how I could have taken the kids and she could have stayed behind w/ her dogs, had we been involved in the New Orleans catastrophe. She said she wouldn’t leave her dogs behind. I understand but. Even her grandfather commented, “A dog is a dog but your own kids?”

Now, we do work together and the morning was tense. At lunch I told her I wanted to talk, and asked what she was so mad at, to which she replied that I was being a jerk. She has a way of pushing my buttons so, we sat down and I told her of my discovery. At first she said her aversion was because she went grocery shopping w/ them and they continually mentioned how Mommy gets this for them etc., and that my son didn’t hold her hand in the parking lot…and her sister-in-law was along on said trip…and understood, because anyone w/ out kids would. When I pressed further, she totally clammed up and wouldn’t speak to me.

I already have an appt. w/ a counselor for next Tuesday. She did say enough to let me know we could go together.

Arrghh!

Fester,

If it were me, I would be VERY concerned. Her excuse sounded pretty lame to me and the fact that she clammed up after giving such a lame excuse seals it.

Regards,

BB

I had no children of my own before.

We are fine now, but at the beginning, I can't begin to tell you how threatened my older stepchild was. Every time I cooked a dinner, it would be "MY MOMMY makes the BEST (whatever I cooked that meal)." I would simply say, "Yes, I always felt my mother's cooking was the best, too. I'm happy for you." My husband never noticed this behavior.
My stepchild would re-organize my kitchen and the furniture because "HER MOMMY did it that way."
As a woman without children of my own, who loved my husband very much, and who was at the time wondering if we could ever have our own child -- I did feel pain already that he had once shared a family with another woman, and not with me. [Note: I think any honest woman will admit that -- even those of us who are divorced and have watched our spouse go on to have a baby with a new spouse. It's not that it's "right" or "wrong", but it's human. It's basic and intrinsic to our nature as females. How we behave is where our higher nature takes control.]
When my stepdaughter's behavior brought that past family's mother into my home several times a day, it did cause me to feel significant resentment -- to the point I was getting nauseating headaches from the stress.
There is a wonderful group online, called www.childlessstepmoms.org. These ladies have been a great support to me and my "new family" in adapting to our new life. They are not bitter or vindictive, they don't encourage hating the stepchildren. But they will provide non-judgemental support for your wife.
I don't agree with people who say it isn't safe for your children to be alone with your fiancee. I imagine your children have good feelings about her for good reason.
I do think that you and your fiancee need to have couple's counseling to figure out how to make the children from the past family be a part of the new family.
I think lots of love and excitement from you and the children about the baby, will do wonders to help your fiancee come to love them more. It's just going to take time, love, and work.