Since I spoke to you face to face the other evening, I will allow myself to send an e-mail though it is a non-confrontational way of expressing oneself and I don't mean confrontational as in a fight, but just speaking face to
face. I am not cold, heartless or unaffected by the changes that we must face that are all my doing. I am not happy with what is going on, I am not looking forward to all that we must endure, but the one sense that I do have is relief, relief of not lying. I never set out to hurt you nor did I ever forsee us parting and yes you made a comment that it is strange that two people that like each other, like spending time together etc are parting and yes that is bizzare.
Our home is were I would rather be that anyplace else, relaxing, watching tv etc with you. But I have hurt you, not intentionally, lets use the term recklessly, through my actions and I have damaged this marriage through lack
of trying, drinking and infidelity. I accept what I have done and freely admit it, but I cannot go on not telling the truth or the half truth because I owe it to you and myself to no longer do that. I missed you and the man
while you were gone, a couple of years ago I would have partied the whole time you were gone. All I did was go to AA, cook, clean, watch tv and work.
I am not complaining about that, I am perfectly happy with that, I am just saying that it was defenitly something that is totally different from how I would have behaved before. I am definetly not trying to cut you out of my life and Lisa and Billy's life as you have been with those two since they were little and I would never do that. I would even have agreed to go to counciling if you wanted, but what would they say that we don't already know, " You two get along fine, the problem is that your husband is crazy."
I don't want to hurt you anymore than I have and I no longer want to lie to you. If I had an idea as to what was going on in my head I would tell you, but I don't. People live pay check to pay check, my mind seems like it
operates day to day. If it would be easier for you if I acted like I was mad at you, disgusted with you, did not want to be around you or sleep in the same bed, tell me and I will act that way for you, but that would just
be an act. Anyway I don't know if this made things worse for you or helped you, but I felt I should at least attempt to convey them to you. Besides, I sound a lot more eloquemt in writing than I do speaking.

My first response is

AND?

So what? What are you (wh) going to do about it?


The need for action lies with him right now. He needs to SHOW, not talk. Letters and words mean nothing when it was ACTIONS that effed up everything in the first place.
- Kimmy

this letter was sent after he said that we should separate and I took my 4 year old w/ me to see my sister in virginia (8 hours away)

Yeah, but what is going to do about all this muck he created?

I hear a little contrition, but no immediate plans to start mucking out the stall of doo-doo he brought to your world.

Again, I want to ask..."AND...SO WHAT is Jaded's wh going to do about it? Wallow, or become a man of action?"

I dont believe he is going to do anything about it...Since he said we should separate (8/9) there has been little talk about actually going through w/ it...he talked about selling our home, even called a realtor to see how much we could get for it..But I told him that I wanted no part of it, wont talk about it anymore, I will not be a part of our M falling apart...he responded by saying, " so, it is all up to me?"..I said yes..and since then nothing...that was about 2 weeks ago.

The letter sounds like a lot of WS babble. He doesn't want to hurt you, but continues to do it, blah, blah, blah.

jaded heart..I don't know your whole story...

I would recomend a couple of things..
first I would thank him sincerely and profusely for his letter...to encourage him to continue to share...

especially when someone hasn't been an honest sharing person....this needs to be handled delicately and with positive reinforcement...EVEN when the words are self martyrdom....as these certainly all....

the question is do you want recovery...
and if you do then a huge huge part of this is you doing work...as well as him....

is there contact
are you in a plan
are you in alanon

what about a letter something like this which does not argue his silly points..but states things and beliefs about you.........

your recovery needs hope
your recovery needs supporting him when he does reach out

what about the counseling part...
are in it
and would he really go...


here's some thoughts I had reading his letter......


Dear Husband...

Thank you for your words you should know how much I appreciate your insight and your risk of sharing it with me. I look forward to more sharing from you in the future.

the grave mistake of your letter is the huge misunderstanding you hold of both my power to believe in change both in you and myself.


And while you may cling to the thought that people can't change and people can't evolve in to persons that are completely different from who they were once were I for one will never buy in to that.

It is correct to say that what has been done in the past can't be changed but that does not mean that those same actions are doomed to occur again.

Old and known patterns of miscommunication, hurtful behaviors, and disrespect can become familiar to all of us for we all are guilty of clinging to the known even when the known is damaging.

I believe in each persons ability to reconize such patterns and work towards changing them.
And I would never with-hold this belief from you.

You stand at a cross road my dear husband.
You are facing part of the biggest hurdle which is realizing the pain of actions and acknowledging them.

You stand at a place where you can now start to decide if these actions become your defining self OR if you choose the path of working to change.

Each person in this life must decide these things at some point in their life.
You hold no special place of honor in that.

All of the pain and of all the guilt you feel can be a turning point in your life. It can become a thing of the past and not a burdon for you to carry forever unless you choose to do so.

It's a lot of work but it's harder to stay stuck and stagnate than to move forward.

I believe in people's ability to become honest, decent persons. Each one holds that power to change.

You have the power to do so.
It is as they say..
In your hands.

ARK

I have a thread under: Confused & Scared about Trial Separation.

He is still in at least an EA (not sure if PA is ongoing); been to one AlAnon meeting.

Ark - In other words, affair is going on right under her nose at work. Her WH is a police office sgt, OW is a police officer, and jaded works in the same building.

Jaded is caring for his two children from another marriage - and that is the only home they have known, plus 1 child from this marriage.

She doesn't want him to get ANGRY about exposure, since he is the type of man that likes to keep his AFFAIR a secret.

well you just put everything in a nutshell didnt you? you are right on about it all...although as I am the Queen of Sarcasm..I detected yours toward me..(LOL)

Me sarcastic???????????

I'm just getting slightly annoyed at your husband and his little kooze. They are playing with a lot of lives.

yes they are...but I am continuing to allow it arent I?

I forgot to tell you..yesterday when I was leaving work..OW was sitting on the steps outside the door, I walked by like I didnt even see her and as I walk down the stairs...what do I hear? "Hi, Kara"...a chill went deep inside me..I just kept walking

Oh I would send the letter as a reply to the letter I wrote...

I would take him up on marriage counseling to...

make an appointment today...........

does he deny even a EA

ark

well I have heard that counseling probably wont work if the A if ongoing, which it is. I copied your letter to a Word Document and will revise slightly and I will give it to him today.

WAIT if he's willing to go why wouldn't YOU??????????

oh I definately am..I was going to make appt. last week but I have been trying to go by advise I get from you guys.

should I put in that letter anything about him not having any contact w/ OW...or just leave it at that?

oh no not a peep about anything specific.....

just listen to what he wrote..and respond globally...

without accusation....

look there's a good chance that he is reaching out on some level.....
and it serves you better not to squash it..while at the same time not YOU not buying in to much at all...

ALSO

if he's just denying that the EA is a big deal..and denies any real affair issues...the counselor who must be PRO PRO marriage...
can be that objective person pointing out that even if platonic...which no one believes...but if that's what he is clinging to...that even this platonic friendship is hurting you..........

don't go to marriage counseling expecting him to fess up and fix things...but it's one more place he can't run from...
also imagine how well the info about marriage counseling will go over with the OW....

ark

Should I still consider Exposure?

OK...
lets do it this way....

why wouldn't you expose....
what are your fears....

what is the outcome you want for your marriage

what is intolerable in your world...

ark