Another question for those of you who date multiple people...

Have you ever come across a person who is intensly curious about the other people you date? So much so, that he/she asks what it is that you do on those dates?

Do you answer those types of questions?

I don't want to hide anything, but is it any of their business what I do or who I date? Is it unreasonable to have a "don't kiss and tell" policy?

I dated multiple people. "A pair and a spare" kept me from getting in too deep, too soon with any one person. I never shaved my legs while dating more than one person, if you know what I mean. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I was upfront about "dating around" and very clear that I was not "sleeping around". Guys who were looking for a sexual relationship disappeared right away. Those who were looking for something serious and longterm generally accepted and respected my approach. One sat me down at one point and said his feelings were becoming too strong for him to be comfortable with me dating other people. My feelings weren't the same at that point and we agreed to part. I was always honest. I guess because I wasn't sleeping around I had little to hide. Really, what they wanted to know was if I was sleeping around.

As soon as I developed feelings for one man that I didn't have for the others, I either told the guys or let the friendships fizzle.

I hope this helps.

Are you "dating around" or "sleeping around"?

Mrs. W8ing

It's no one's business what you do on other dates unless you are swapping bodily fluids with more than one person. If so, each person needs to know in order to make informed decisions regarding their physical and emotional safety.

That said, a good answer might be, "I'm here with you now, and I'd like to concentrate all my thoughts on you." You evade answering the question without rudely saying "It's none of your business." If she won't take a hint, I'd say something about making it your policy not to kiss and tell, or go to dinner and tell.

Just one other note, I'd see these kinds of intrusive questions as a red flag. It would suggest to me that the inquisiter is not at all comfortable with you dating more than one person, but won't say so. Also, it suggests she isn't savvy enough to know that if you answer the questions, she'll only feel pain. Finally, I'd be worried that she's the all consuming type that put a strangle-hold on her boyfriends. Just my opinion.

I'm with Green and W8.

Its a big red flag if you're getting interogated. I agree that it suggests she's not comfortable with the situation.
How does she respond to your answers? Does she seem agitated?

Do you view this person more as a friend or a romantic interest?

I have a very good friend that I spend time with -- I don't consider us to be dating. There's no romantic element involved. He and I do talk in-depth about his dates and relationships. Really I consider myself to be his "coach".

I think she does have the right to some information if you have a physical relationship -- not details, but at least the minimum for her to decide if she's OK being in that sort of situation.

I didn't do it for very long (multiple-dating), and I didn't do it very much. I didn't have to cross this bridge a whole lot. Without a specific dialogue in front of me, or knowing the specifics of the situation (feelings, number of dates, etc) I'm not sure how I would respond. I do believe in honesty, but I also believe there are creative ways to answer questions without lying, and without divulging everything. I also think it's fairly obvious to some people that *whatever* you're doing/saying on one date, you're probably doing/saying with someone else, if you're seeing multiple people. If I was kissing someone goodnight on our second date, he could assume I would do the same with someone else on *our* second date also.

I agree with some of the others, that, basically, if she's someone you want to keep around, you'll want to earn her trust, and that *might* include complete honesty, *or* firm, respectful answers to state your point of view, with enough information to make her feel comfortable. If she can't handle what you're willing to give her, then you probably don't need her in your life, and she needs to move on.

After a 2nd date with "M", I told him I had a date with someone else, and wanted to continue seeing other people, as well as him. He had a problem with this, because he knew he liked me, and... he didn't want to *wonder* what I was doing with these other guys. We tried to talk about it, and I assured him of what I would be *doing* and wouldn't be *doing*, etc., but he couldn't accept it. Oh well... he was probably not someone that would work out long-term, if he couldn't handle *this* portion of the relationship (casual dating).

Soon after that, I met "R", who I am still seeing 3 weeks later, and things are going very well!

Yeah, I guess I would have to say that I've doubted her when she said she was ok with the multiple dating thing. But, she's seeing another guy who wanted her to take her profile off of Match and she told him she didn't want to be exclusive to anybody at this time.

The funny thing is, last weekend, she introduced me to her neice by the other guy's name. I thought it was funny and gave her a hard time about it. But I know, (and she admitted) if I had done that to her, she would have been majorly ticked off.

She admits she has a double standard when it comes to dating multiple people. We have a great time together, but I'm getting tired of being made to feel like I'm a bad person because I'm dating other women.

This doesn't surprise me at all. Most people (Big Guy excluded, of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />), are full of crap when they say they just want to "date around". Most people DO want to find a partner, they use the "dating around" term as a way to keep their options open initially, but not forever.

What MOST of them hope is that by multiple dating, they will have many prospects, so that they can then choose the best deal (so far so good).

The problem arises when they find that "good deal" but come to find that "Mr. Good Deal" has 6 other prospects he is balancing.

It is no surprise that in those cases the person gets frustrated and nervous - they found their "good deal", but the "good deal" is still shopping.. what to do??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I see this as the fundamental problem of multiple dating - when everyone is multiple dating, it becomes very hard to transition from window shopping to making a purchase.

Now, this is totally different if only one person is multiple dating and his/her dates aren't - then you truly get the kid in candy store situation, where you can pick. But if everyone is multiple dating, it can become a fiasco.

Like the lady in Big Guy's story - she is probably torn - she WANTS to move from "dating around" to something more exclusive with Big Guy, but since he is not ready, she wants to keep the runner-up in the picture as well.
Pretty hard to get all the pieces of the puzzle to line up correctly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

On profiles and ceasing "mutliple-dating":

I wanted to take my profile down after about a week and 1/2 with "R". I knew I liked him, and didn't want to start anything new with anyone else. I had a couple of others I was talking to, and if dates happened with them, it was still OK at that point. But I wasn't interested in starting any new conversations, and I really wasn't even interested in seeing anyone else at that point. I was receiving messages and/or winks almost daily, and hated ignoring them or politely rejecting them with "thank you, but I may have found a potential match" stuff... so I just wanted to hide mine... and "R" agreed and hid his also. I was expecting 1 more "2nd date" with someone else that never worked out, and was still carrying on a couple of conversations, then we decided to be exclusive shortly after that.

I think goodguy is on to something here.

My suspicions are also that she wants to be chosen as "the one", even if she isn't choosing you. She wants you to give up the others cuz she's such a great catch. Or maybe its a competition issue.

I kinda worry about this issue a little bit too with the multiples. I'm not out to hurt anyone, but I've had a few guys get too attached and want more than I did.

My thought was I'd date multiple people. I'm totally rethinking that position after reading stuff here. It sounds messy and confusing.

Of course this happens in the "one at a time" style dating as well. The advantage for this type of dating is that the person is able to get closure because they are summarily dumped when the person moves to date the next person. Conversely, in the "multiple dating" scenario, it is the person who found the "good deal" who has to make the decision whether to continue the relationship or not. Not an easy thing to do.

Obviously, if you want to become exclusive with someone, then you need to have the discussion to become exclusive with them. If they don't want to or are not ready to become exclusive, then you really need to end the relationship.

I'm not trying to make the argument that everybody should date multiple people (which I'm sure it sounds like I am half the time), but, really the issue here that has made it messy and confusing is dishonesty. She has been dishonest about what she wants. To herself and to me.

That will be the case whether you are dating multiples or dating singularly.

Radical honesty is extremely difficult, particularly if you want people to like you. People who want to "keep everybody happy" are among the most prolific liers I've ever met. And generally, they seem to be pretty nice people because they appear they don't want to hurt other's feelings.

Radical honesty means letting people know that maybe you aren't as nice or as good of a person you (or they) think you should be. That's a very hard thing to do.

Radical honesty means you won't always get what you want to get. And that's hard. Bend the truth here a little bit, bend the truth there a little bit, and you can get what you want. Tell someone what they want to hear... it's so easy to do. Lie and they like you, be truthful and they don't. Which road do you take?

Date multiples, date singularly. It doesn't matter. Each has their advantages and disadvantages. But ya gotsa be honest either way.

Hi BG, I'm running into you all over this board.

Yes, honesty is the best policy. Just temper it with kindness & gentle understanding. From what I've read of you here you possess those qualities. Maybe tell her you understand why she's curious but that just your dates with her are private your dates with others are as well. Ask her again if she really is comfortable with multiple partners, could be this is her way of bringing up the topic.

It's not so black and white in many cases (maybe it is in her particular case). But there is also the element of human nature and feelings, and people may feel one way on a certain day and a different way on the next day. So she may be totally honest in that she wasn't ready for exclusive dating with the other guy, but once she met you, Big Guy, she changed her mind and became totally honest that she wanted to reel you in <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

All I am saying is that people's requirements and outlooks may change over time, it doesn't necessarily make them dishonest. If you keep up your multiple dating, but one day find Ms. Right and decide to become exclusive, it won't mean that you were dishonest about wanting to "just date around", it'll just mean that reality on the ground has changed.

AGG

Greengables,

YIKES!!! I don't know what to think. I thought after my divorce that dating is what I needed to do. I'm almost 2 yrs post d, and I'm thinking, geez, what was it I thought I wanted??

BG,
It's always interesting to catch up on your life! Such a fun guy!!

Personally - If I was dating someone that I knew was dating OW - I would NEVER ask what the other dates consist of or anything about my "competition"...I would feel it's none of my business and if "you" wanted to tell me something funny about your prior date or something you didn't like about the OW - I'd listen and comment - but I wouldn't start the subject.

BUT - I also have to add - I'm 48 and I would not be interested in someone that wanted to date multiple people. I do not have the time or effort to compete w/OW for the attention of a man.

If you met me and have a genuine attraction to me - enough to ask me out - more than 1 or 2 times - why do you need to date the others?? Why not date one at a time??? Most times you know pretty quick how far the relationship can go and when it can't go. Cut bait and move on..But, give each new R a chance.

Maybe I'm old fashioned that way - but, I don't want to be in an open relationship, otherwise I wouldn't be D WH...hahhah JMHO

"BUT - I also have to add - I'm 48 and I would not be interested in someone that wanted to date multiple people. I do not have the time or effort to compete w/OW for the attention of a man."

Amen, Ithurts! Do you find that this is one of the unexpected advantages of middle age? You may want love, but it you no longer burn for it like you did when you were younger. So you won't settle for second best, be anyone's toy, refuse to play games that the younger crowd hasn't even thought of, and you insist that it is REAL. What's more, you've developed that inner peace that comes with middle age and you will not put that at risk just for the sake having man/woman in your life. Time is a precious commodity when you get older, as is your heart. You won't squander either on the wrong person. Too bad we couldn't have figured this out 25 years ago, huh?

I don't think for me it's about "middle age". For me after years of neglect from my WH emotionally and intimately I started to focus my energy elsewhere. It took alot for me to let go of him and the love I felt for him. As I tell him and everyone else I WILL NOT GO BACKWARDS in life..

I do "burn" for an honest loving R that I deserve BUT if I dont' find it that's ok too. I have a pretty full life right now and I find happiness in little things.



Funny, I always told WH I would NOT COMPETE, I would not be 2nd best..the games are over..I don't think he felt that I was 2nd best - I think in his mind I was "the wife" the MOW/OW were the "toys". He was playing a "game" w/them. I have lived in fantasyland for so long that YES I want what's REAL.

BUT - I will say since I have become stronger men may begin to be "toys" to me. After the years of neglect I "may" not have a problem having my needs met and realizing that's all it is..nothing more..

I was listening to a song by Toby Keith this am and the words "If it ain't Thunder & Lighting" hit me hard - basically, he wasn't wasting his time on anything less and that's where I am right now..middle aged or not..I still have my looks, personality and alot to offer and I'm not settling for what I had w/WH..If the guy doesn't rock my world I can't be bothered..as for WH the sooner he figures that out the better off he'll be too..


Hugs....

Minor OT: Hoep you are doing well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> In a year, you will look back on this and be SO glad the suffering is over!

Anyway, I agree...I cannot fathom trying to juggle multiple women, keeping straight all of the things they told me and THEN, having to tell two (or more) of them that "I'm just not that into to you" when you find a woman that makes you happy.

Also, what do you do if, you have an unplanned "SF" moment with one of your dates, do you "dump" the others and get "exclusive" with her? Do you dump your SF partner? Either way, are you honest with your other dates that you are having SF with other people...What a MESS!!!!!

I will be pursuing nice ladies ONE at a time...make sure I have seen (whatever) R we had through to its end...THEN try again with someone new if that doesn't work out...

"Swing" dating ain't my thing babay!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

WHnowBS, I'm with you on this multiple thing. I won't go there, nor will I date women who do. I am not an item off the buffet table that you get to nibble and and toss! I have far too much respect for myself for that. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with women who want to do multiple dating; indeed I would encourage this in very young women. It's just that if that's what they want, we are not at the same place in our lives and a relationship would never work anyway. Multiple dating is something you should be finished with by age 25 or so.