Hi to everyone... please....I do not wish to offend any BS.

I have been reading the posts here for weeks now... you have been my lifeline as I re-work myself, my marriage and mindset.
About me... I have been married 14 years and although the m has had it good days most of the m has been difficult to say the least. My h has just not been happy w/in himself for years and has unfortunately taken that out on me with criticism, extreme little affection and indifference. I have had repeated emotional dissappointments in the m and very low self esteem due to this.
I will never, ever justify my A. I know hands down it was wrong and have beat myself up for it over and over. It was mainly emotional with limited physical contact... but, the emotional attachment was very very strong... It lasted about8 months before my h found out.. Actually, I had just the day my h found out left the OM a voicemail telling that I needed no contact through the end of summer to see how we really felt....I did that so I could give him and myself some space as the phone calls had diminished and I had hoped that I could just move on and work on m. When my h found out...
I did not deny it... I am terrible liar and honestly I think I wanted to be found out... I left clue after clue for months on end. I guess I wanted the wake up call he needed...
He found out and he forgave me and was in pain for a couple weeks and he seemed to let it drop... I wanted to talk, and talk about it... he did not... I just felt that things would go back to "normal" not the kind of normal I need in my life... the old habits and hurts... well, eventually it did happen... same attitudes... same old stuff...

well...contact started w/OM again and I felt absolutely horrible because here my h knows now and I still felt too attached to let go. I told OM I still needed a couple of months through summer for family time etc... he is usually not the type at all to interfere actually paranoid about wrecking my life... never wanted to interfere...cause me any pain... but anyway he contacted me with a voicemail over summer. and then again a few weeks later... he needed to talk to me about a situation... this is true... he did need to tell me but here I was working on removing the attachment to him and I hear his voice... here we go all over again and I feel like I have no escape this time,

well, I have been reading bible and praying this whole time but missing him like crazy... well, we talk...he tells me some really nice things... things that feed my en...asks how things are w/h and do you know what... I was not negative for some reason, I told him things were ok w/ husband and that we had great summer etc... normally I would try to protect A relationship but for some reason I was more indifferent to OM and offered little to encourage him.. was that God or what???? I mean I felt I could not make it w/out this OM and here I am not giving him much to go on...normally after not being able to speak much to him I am busting w/emotion for him...
well, he asked if I was mad that he broke no contact (he didn;t know that h knew of A) we hadn;t really talked the whole summer it was only voicemails... I said call anytime.. well when I went to call him a couple weeks later...he changed his number. I was shocked, absolutely, shocked but after reading the book ....Purpose driven Life... I saw something very interesting...
The part where it talks about temptation...I think God knew that I just could not remain firm anylonger... here I was so conflicted because how could I continue an A when my h knows of this...but God totally removed the temptation and the temptor changed his number.
I guess I will never know why he changed the number but I am overcome with the feeling that God loves me and shows me that much mercy that he gave me an escape!!
I know this so long... but I am so thankful that God is so merciful to me in this way.. am I in withdrawal? sure, but because I see how much God cares it helps.. he knew my heart and knew that this man had such a "hold" on me. he knew that it was almost humanly impossible for me at the time to remain firm... well, I am learning to forgive my h for his injustices to me... many, many hurts and I again I feel utter remorse for my actions... I am the last person on earth you'd expect this from...
God knows my heart and who I am. I hold onto that.

concerning the M... I am going to counselor by myself... h doesn't see the need to go.. I think he just wants everything to be behind us and forget the hard work.. well, I don;t want to live a sorrowful, sad marriage.
Mornings are the toughest for some reason I feel sad that the acceptance I felt from OM is gone and the excitement of seeing him at work is gone as well... I did change my number as well,,, just to assure no contact.. I still wonder what happened with him...but every morning I feel this I just start praising God and thanking him for his way of escape and caring so much for me.
It is hard at times to feel connected to my h because he is a very distant man...he would never just touch me or hug or kiss me without my initiating. In fact before my A he would pull back if I wanted to approach him with a kiss etc...
If this is how alot of men are then tell me... but I grew up in a house where this didn't happen and I have lots of friends who say their spouses are all hands..words and actions. My h hasn't told me I am pretty in over 10 years...very little encouragement of any kind.
Listen... I take care of myself... workout at the gym... very slim... dress attractively, impeccably groomed etc... men are always complimenting me so my h cannot complain that I do not take care of myself. I am NOT looking for justification at all... I totally own my wrongs.
I have remorse for my sins against God, my h and family and always was troubled by my actions against OM wife.. truly I struggled with betraying her at times more than I worried about betraying my own h.
The whole A began and ended almost exactly one year later to the day.
I used to always pray and say to God that Im missing out my peace and joy with my kids and am losing time.I lost a year of my life from my kids... because of worry... preoccupation with wrong thoughts etc... I think God made sure that the year was wrapped up for me.He was listening to my prayers wasn't he???.

Thanks for listening friends... God really has his hand on me and I know that I am not alone...I hope that I am working my way out of the "fog" that you all talk about and am excited about my upcoming counseling session.

respectfully,
Brandi9 (short for BRAND NEW ME)

hi Brandi9, welcome to MB. so how can we be of help to you?

Well... I guess I need encouragement as my h has made some slight changes in his behavior toward me (less criticism)but I am still not getting the emotional needs met like they were with OM. You can tell by my post that I am the optimistic type and refuse to look at life too dismally.. I do not want to live a sad, regretful life... but,
I am worried about not being attracted to my h again.
I am worried that I will NEVER feel filled up again.
Is this common withdrawal after effects?
Will I ever have closure with OM.?
Will that continue to bother me? I pray about these things but God doesn't answer me audibly you know.
I guess my biggest concern is that months from now I will feel empty again. I guess that is where the counseling will help me. Any insight..encouragement?... I guess I am the type that tells herself just keep plugging away it will all work out in the end. But, what if I have chosen to do the "right " thing ..by staying in a lonely m and years from now wonder what couldve been...at times I really thought OM was my soulmate. But, knowing what the bible says... it didn't really matter anyway. thanks for being there.

Brandi9

Aaack! You said "closure!"

No, you can't have closure with the OM. Never talk to him again for the rest of your life ever. Period.

Now, your H doesn't sound like he's been a gem lately, and your A didn't help, but he needs to get his rear off the couch and go to MC with you.

You need to make yourself as attractive as possible to your H (menatally, physically, emotionally) and let him vent a bit but not continually beat you up.

You sound like you want to save your marriage- so no contact with the OM, get over him (he's not real-your family is!), and focus on your H, kids, and self.

Good Luck

you are welcome for being here.

but now that i have asked you that question, i feel so unqualified to respond!!!

one thing that glares out at me is that you are very much writing about what you want. what about your H, what do you want for him?

what kind of person do you want to be?

it is obvious you are not comfortable being the type of person you have been.

we need an expert in here!!

bump, JL, this has you written all over it. if you have the time to respond...

brandi, i have been where you are and even more tangled up than you. yes, you will have a withdrawal period but mflake is right, there is no such thing as closure.

changing your number was great step.

but i'm sure you realize you need more of a plan for your marriage to recover and grow better than it was before.

i am sure the first thing you will be told to do is to become 100% honest with you H. how much does your H not know about?

thanks for the responses.
My h doesn't want to know ANY details he just wants me to forget about the A. I am not allowed to discuss it or why I took that path. I asked him weeks ago... do you want to know the whens and wheres and how often??He said no way.. forget about it and move on.
He knows that he has been less than wonderful to me all these years and maybe doesn't want to face the truth. I am not sure because he doesn't want to talk about this stuff. He even told me he didn't think it was necessary that I change my #. I think he thought this was just a one event type of thing and we move on.
He didn't "get" how much I cared for OM. Don't want to further hurt him so I deal w/this stuff alone and w/God.
But, as you see there are issues.
My h doesn't try to make himself attractive to me. I try to be engaging, funny dress sexy, make plans for date night all to which he says "I am too tired...too expensive... etc..
Listen, I don;t expect to be treated like a queen here.. I just want to feel that my h is proud of me and at the very least friendly and instead of complimenting me for things... I am met w/ criticism..but, mainly condescending tone of voice. it is very painful for me...
The criticism dept. has improved because I have changed aobut how I respond to it.
... He just thinks that the issues are all in my head and I am the one who needs the help... Honestly if I act happy then he resents it and picks out my flaws I just can't win sometimes.

He assumed the OM was single and just wanted a piece of a pretty girl. Again, never giving me credit that anyone could want me or befriend me for any other reason..He is cynical by nature could that be the problem now that I think of it??

mflake... you are right-there should be no closure per say w/OM. If I run into him I must just keep it non chalant I guess. But, this is more about what I want from my m not about pining for OM. I will get over him and really I don;t need reasons for his changing the #... It actually made a decision for me very easy. I am glad for the escape out even if I miss him. make sense?
Shouldn't h make himself more attractive to me and work on this by going to counseling. Or am alone in this with God and MB???? I can't change this m by myself...why can't my h make some changes???My h doesn't take care of himself very well and is very aloof and indifferent.

anyway, I do not want to be negative about my h because I am here to work on this thing come ****** or high water.And I fear that I am justifying my actions. I am determined to make my own happiness. I am determined to be what he wants but, this is a shared responsiblity.
I want him to be the man he is but... he must take some initiative and responsiblity as well. Again, thanks friends... the responses and advice are well recieved!

Brandi9

Hi, brandi9.

I want to warn you before I start, that I will shoot very straight with you, and I won't 'pull punches'.

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My h doesn't want to know ANY details he just wants me to forget about the A. I am not allowed to discuss it or why I took that path. I asked him weeks ago... do you want to know the whens and wheres and how often??He said no way.. forget about it and move on.
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Since you are the infidel here, your husband has a right not to know if that is what HE chooses. That means you get to eat the guilt of the affair all by yourself. You did it, you live with it.

Having said that, I understand that you also think you have a right to make him pay for some of his bad contributions to the marriage, or at least face them. You have no such right.

You have to own your choices, and suffer your consequences. As for the difficulties in your marriage, you approach him about those directly. You explain your needs, you ask him to go to a counselor with you. You have no right to demand that he acknowledge your affair and work on your marriage as a result.

Do you understand, that you have no rights at this point to demand anything from the victim of your actions?

What I have written to you is the rough part. If you think you want to talk to me some more about a plan for recovery, I will be happy to help. There are others here that are more gifted along the gentler side.

I am glad that you are facing your actions.

Gimble

I am grateful for forthright talk... I am a work in progress here. I respect anyone who will help me see the other side...instead of my side.
If what I am doing is wrong...by wanting to talk etc.. how can i communicate the need for absolute change. Of course I must accept what I have done. Believe me... my conscience has not or will not die ever.
If he doesn't want to talk about issues (not A)how can there ever be happiness in this union? Please if you can help me with recovery I am more than willing.
Does my h have any responsiblity to meet emotional needs? I am working on meeting his needs i.e.he likes the service type needs met... wash his car, big huge dinners etc...

Talk to me straight that is why I am here!

FWW-me 38
bs-47
dday 4-29-05
dd-3 dd-10
married 14 years
Brandi

Hi, brandi9.

First thing to realize is that you have attempted to address your marital problems by shooting your husband in the foot, and then blaming him because you shot him.

He is likely aware, that you still believe that part of your choices are his fault. If you continue studying this site, and remain in NO CONTACT whatsoever with your illicit partner, then you will slowly but surely begin to understand some of what you have done. It will take time.

For now, and the next 3 to 6 months, you need to apply the principles of Plan A (referenced and explained in the articles on this site) to your marriage. If you are acting desperate, grabby or needy with your husband, you need to stop that behavior immediately.

Give your husband access to ALL your email accounts and phone records. Simply hand him a list, tell him you love him and walk away. He will do with it as he pleases. From now on, you tell him where you are going, how long you will be there and who you will see. You become an open book. Do this without fanfare, just be very matter of fact. You have a lot of work to do to win back his trust.

Start on these things, and we will talk some more.

Gimble

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Does my h have any responsiblity to meet emotional needs? I am working on meeting his needs i.e.he likes the service type needs met... wash his car, big huge dinners etc...
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Sorry I missed this.

In the context of the affair, he really doesn't have any responsibility to meet your emotional needs. In the context of your marriage, he most certainly does have a responsibility.

In order to re-engage him in the marriage, you are going to have to win back some of his trust as I stated previously. You will not get far demanding that he start meeting your needs. That would be great if he would, but it is unlikely at this time. He is VERY hurt, whether or not he is talking about it.

Gimble