Quick story- Each of us had brief As and we went to NC late March. I have not beem in a good place emotionally the last 6 mos. and I was not very easy to live with. I have gotten stronger as I have taken the time to work on me, so things are smoother. H has never been very remorseful/caring in atoning for his A. This is a huge deal for me. H was very withdrawn from me by the time of his A, so it has taken quite a bit of time for him to even let me in a little and be willing to talk.

He works with OW and our agreement has been no unnecessary contact (they only communicate via e-mail -which I have access to). H has always agreed to this until recently when there came a work event (golf) that he really wanted to go to, then he wanted to "re-visit" our agreement. This was discussed with MC and the decision was made not to go as I was not comfortable.

However, I said if OW was not going, H could go. Well, that day I get an e-mail from him saying OW cannot go because she has some sort of injury (he heard the conversation among the cubicles). Obviously, the timing seems a bit too convenient. But, he could also be innocent. I truly think that they are not back in the A. I am afraid to trust myself though and find out I am wrong. Work-related events are a trigger for me as their A started at an X-mas party.

H has complained about not wanting to feel "trapped" and has never been too fond of extraordinary precautions. So, because I realized that I do not truly feel he was still having an A, I felt maybe I should let him go because I would like us to get back some sense of normalcy.

So, we were on the phone and I intended to tell him he could go, then all of the sudden, I started bawling and all these fears/emotions came bubbling to the surface. So, I am not as OK with it as I thought I was. We talked about it later when I was much calmer, but I still expressed my fears. He said,"Well, I do not want you to be upset." So, we left it at that --which I took to mean he was not going. Then last night, he asks me again if I am OK with him going. I wish he cared enough about my feelings to realize that going will just end up hurting me/us. The problem is he is not that attached to me right now, so he tends to think of himself first these days. He has lost much of his ability to empathize because he is so angry/hurt at what I did.

So, I am not sure what to do. Do I let him go because in my heart I think he is innocent, though I would feel hurt that he did not seem to care how I felt? Or, do I say that I am still too uncomfortable to allow something like this just yet? I feel like I am in a terrible position--do I give him what he wants or put my own feelings first? I do not want to give him one more reason to resent me. I am also open to ideas of ways he could reassure me and still go.

Read basic concept on POJA. Why couldn't u go with him ?.

-rh-

I understand and have suggested POJA on many occasions, but he is not interested in learning about it right now. I was a bit too pushy with MBers early on. My bad.

I did suggest going with him way back when it first came up, but said I did not want to deal with OW. At that time, he said he would not go. It was only recently he wanted to talk about going (even though she was going too). When I brought up coming with him (if she was not there) even if I could not golf (they were booked up at the time), he said with an attitude,"If you want to just follow me around." So, he made it quite clear that was not something he was into. Which, I understand somewhat, as he has been wanting a "break from it all" and neither of us has had much time away from this mess and have been dealing with it for months.

I would get myself dressed up - really nicely dressed up. And I would be ready to go with him when he is ready. I w3ould not tleave any options for him and if he says you want to follow me around all night. Say No I just feel like getting out with my husband. I would watch this OW like a hawk all night. I wish I had opprtunity to go to a work function OW was at. Esp if her H was there.

I can't, I have the kids. Plus, I do not want to feel like his keeper.

Anyway, if he does go, I will enjoy the time to myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Get a sitter ... you are not his keeper, you are his mate/partner. If socialzing w/ his co-worker is his EN and make him happy ... you have no choice but go.

Could you enjoy yourself w/o worry ?

good luck
-rh-

This was the problem. I wanted so much to be OK with him going alone, but I wasn't because I had no way of knowing whether OW would be there. And, I think it is possible that he may have said she would not be there as a way to avoid a conflict. He may have felt in his heart he would not do anything, so there was nothing to worry about. I do not know if any of this is true, but these were the sort of thoughts that were runnning through my mind and I could not handle it, yet if I could get proof, I would have felt so much better. So, I expressed this need to H and he came up with no ideas of how he could prove to me that she would not be there. I came up with some, but he pretty much shot most of them down. He is unwilling to learn about POJA- I have suggested it multiple times, to no avail. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I was sitting there thinking how asanine (sp?) it was that I had to "help" him prove he was innocent. When I go out, I do all of this automatically and do not even think about it. With him, it is like pulling teeth. So, needless to say, he could not come up with any form of proof I felt comfortable with, so he ended up not going. Who does he blame? Me, of course (not the fact that he had an A). I am tired of being a scapegoat. I cannot be responsible for my own problems and his too. And, I won't. I have enough on my plate right now. I feel myself losing respect for my H when he does this. He is always coming up with some new reason to blame me for his actions and problems. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> This is a major LB for me.

I feel like all I do is apologize and make amends (I will continue to do so as this is part of my personal journey and growth). I am lucky if I get an apology 1/3 of the time. It gets old. We both had As, but I feel like I was the only one. So little of H's behavior is M-building and/or atoning for the A. I am lonely and sad and tired of feeling this way. I want to have some ENs met. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I know there is a certain amount of this I deserve for what I did, but at what point does he start taking responsibility for his A? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />