Hi all,
I was posting in PlanA/PlanB, and was advised to post here.
Basicaly, my wife has gone completely nut's of her rocker, crazy. She has just met a guy and does anything for him. I fell totaly abandoned. I am lost. I feel my marriage has been lost. I want to save It, but feel it Is useless. Is there a time to just give up?

Need details

How long married?
How good a husband have you been in the long haul?
Got kids?
Any substance abuse issues on either side?
Any emotional or physical abuse issues?
How long has the affair gone on?
Is the OM married?
and

Have you exposed the affair to the important persons?

Hi Pep and others who want to help, this is our convo on the Plan A/Plan B forum.

By Mntony
[My wife, Is still seeing OM, on a regular basis (Going to visit aunt Corrine, staying with aunt Corrine tonight) I tell you It would be easier for her to just keep cutting pieces of my heart. When she comes back I just have this awfull feeling of betrayal. I can identify with much of the postings here "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" dealing with an alien. My wife too his headstrong to terminate the marriage. After 5 weeks with OM, she potrays him as this christian family man. HOW CAN HE BE THIS HOME WRECKER. 6 weeks ago she was telling me how she loves me, and I still give her the tingles after 10yrs, the folowing week she got drunk camping he took advantage, and now she says our marriage has been lousy for years, I never cared for her etc. Now she want's to move to her brothers 50 miles away to be by him (he's 38 4x divorcee)and ferry our son back and forth to school the week that she has him (we will alternate weeks) She is such a stone cold B**c* to me. I still try to co-operative, such as working on her car/groceries/meals etc. every time It get's thrown back in my face, she has had an attourney summons me also. This is all happening so damn fast]

By UVA
[Mntomy,

Please see an attorney ASAP. You need to protect yourself, or else your ww will screw you more than you ever imagined possible.

Second, please go to GQII and post your sitch. That way you will get more help.

Third, make a plan ASAP. What you are doing right now is letting her walk all over you. Being a doormat will only ensure the demise of your marriage, the loss of your self respect, the destruction of your son's well being, and you being totally screwed over. For your son, if not for your sake, get some advices from a lawyer and from the MB members in GQII as soon as possible.

Best

P.s. Note that you only have a certain amount of time, anywhere from 14 to 30 days, to respond to a summon. Get with it and protect yourself. Your ww will not.]

By MnTony
[UVA,
I do have an lawyer, and have my response drawn up, that will have to be sent within the next 10 days. Now she want's to mediate as she has no money, and want's out of the M fast. I would seem, she will move out in 2 weeks, she has told her lawyer to hold off on the summons (we have requested written notification of that) Get this I went home after lunch to pick up something for work. She was there, she took the day off to cook and bake for the OM, and was hoping to be done before I got back. I tell you I can't understand any of this. I just picked up my stuff and left. How the heck can things fall apart sooo quickly. I want to work on keeping on our marriage but It seems pointless. She is willing to do anything for OM. Most of the time I am OK, but then sadness comes]

[color:"red"] EXPOSE this affair far and wide

HER family
HER friends
and get some information on the OM and expose to HIS family/WIFE as well

ASAP

Throw a bucket of ICE COLD WATER into the fantasy of this pseudo love affair she is so intoxicated with

YOU do NOT move out of your home

and

SHE does not take children out of their home

SHE goes (fine do not stop her) but she goes ALONE and with nothing from the house but her personal items.[/color]

also

do NOT cooperate with a divorce if that is not what you want

see if you can get HER to abandon the family .... that puts you into a much better custody situation

usually if a woman with a child leaves her child behind to go be with her A partner ... this kills the fantasy life fast fast fast .... she'll feel like poop and won't be so much fun for the OM to be with and they begin to LB each other with the added stress of her grieving the loss of her child

document everything

and

do NOT lose you temper even a little bit

you must stay calm at all times.... that drives the infidel nutz .... can you do that?

Mortorman is the ACE when it comes to this situation .... change the title of your thread to put a call out to him

Hi Mntony,

I am glad to see you on GQII. Others will come to help shortly. Given the urgency of your situation, you may want to ask the court for primary custody of your son. He really needs you right now. Please read "LuzinPrtOfMe" thread on GQII to see the good advices he is getting for getting custody of his son. You will want to follow a similar course. Also checkout "Gramm's" sitch as alluded to in Luzin's sitch to get a clearer picture.

Your wife is abducted by aliens right now, so don't try to make sense of her actions. I suggest the following things.

1. Prepare yourself legally with your lawyer.
a. Document everything you and your wife are doing, especially as they relate to your son.
b. Acquire actual evidence of the affair that you can use in court. Your words are not enough. Hire a PI if you must. This is very important.
c. Try to spend as much time as possible with your son. Be the one responsible for him as much as possible, building your legal case for custody. DOCUMENT all of this.
d. Under no circumstances do you leave your home.
e. Until the court tells you that the summons are on hold, proceed as if they are not, lest you get screwed over.
f. Follow the advices give to LuzinPrtOfMe and Gramm on their sitches.
2. Help Break Up the Affair, i.e., EXPOSE
a. Expose to OMW or girlfriend
b. Expose to WW's family, especially her brother
c. Expose to your family
d. Expose to close friends that can influence WW.

3. Don't be a Doormat
a. No LBs, but let her know you will do everything in your power to save the marriage.
b. Do not discuss divorce with her, only discuss the marriage. Refer her to your lawyer if she wants to talk about divorce.
c. If she is broke and cannot afford her legal expenses, do not make it easy on her. Use that to your advantage. The operative idea is that until the WW feels the painful consequences of their actions, they do not wake up from the fog. No consequences, no incentives to change.

4. Plan A
Be the best you can be and the best husband possible.

5. Learn as much as you can on this site

6. When the vets come to help, disregard everything I say.:)

Best

Pep,

While I was spending a lot of time writing my post, you wrote the same thing. I am a very slow typist! You are one of the best, so I will leave him to you and the other vets.

Thanks

Thank's all,
I have been a good husband, I'm sure I didn't meet her EN and she did not meet mine. There Is no substance abuse (Except when she got drunk and It started)I have exposed the A to all. She gets around this by telling them all, that they did have sex but now their just friends. Yeah right! and when she sleeps over at his house It's seperately.

On the attorney deal I have mine In place. Now she says that she want's to do split custody of our son, and that I get the house but she want's $20K and a car.
So far things seem to be workable. I do not want to take her from her son I do not want a custody battle. Her friends and family can't understand why this is happening also. As they put it they are greiving.
I understand not helping, but does that not hurt my son also.
I want to be a family unit, I just want her to wake up before It's too late

[b]Do you want a divorce?

If not...

never again discuss custody or money splitting etc with her .... instead say:

" I am only going to discuss marriage rebuilding with you. Anything else, speak to my attorney."

.... then smile, and ask if she'd like you to bring her a cup of coffee or tea.

You did not move out did you?

The only communication It seems we have Is about her moving on.
NO I don't want a divorce, that's were I fall flat. It takes two to make a relationship work. The only relationship she seems to work on Is OM.
Yesterday, she took the day off, and spent the morning baking and cooking. I thought that was nice to start doing things for the family. She didn't do it for us, she packed everything when done and drove 50 miles to him. We had chilli, that's what I mean she will put soo much effort into him, we are not even a thought anymore!!!!!

Keep a journal and document something every day. The journal may come in handy one day.

and....

When did your W return after her 50 mile drive? Were you and your son home when she returned? What did you say to your WW when she returned?

Do you have family or close friends nearby who could help you out with something?

Here's an idea:

NEXT TIME your WW disappears doing something similar to this most recent disrespectful stunt, make sure when she returns home ---> the house is dark and empty and you and son are nowhere to be found. Create some anxiety in her. Don't leave a note of your whereabouts and do not tell her beforehand you won't be home when she gets back. You take your son somewhere with you ... and have some fun with him. A friend or relative's home, or even a cheap motel. Or even take a camp tent and turn it into an adventure for your son.

AND .... get the locks changed on your house.

She decides to leave the house and her child .... you change the locks .... after all ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> you're worried about some recent break-ins in the neighborhood.

AND .... when you and son finally return to your now anxious-worried WW ... you behave sweet at pie. Smile. be kind. And don't fight.

Thank's all for any and all advise, I spoke to the county sherif about changing locks, and was infor
med that until we D she has every right to enter the house. Even if It means breaking in.
My WS retuned at 5pm that day Friday, I did not say anything, I try not to, It get's to easy to get emotional, It just tears ne up inside <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I also found out over the weekend that WS and OP are planning on moving in together. According to her he Is going to sell his house to move close to where we live now. My M is over, I am so sad. I never beleived things could go so bad so quickly. Also that this OP Is willing to jump in so readily. This only started 8 weeks ago.

It happened just as suddenly to me, friend. It's SCARY how quickly that a WS can fall so deeply into the A. My wife had NEVER met OM face-to-face...it was an internet/phone EA only...but when confronted, was all set to run off and live with him!

Now she can see how crazy all of this was...over a year later. But while she was in the fog, it all made sense to her.

Remember this tho...flashfires burn hot, they often don't burn long. Once I got the affair ended, it only took a matter of weeks for her to make the choice to reconcile our marriage...and we've been doing pretty well ever since.

Personally, in your case I would agree with a Plan B situation...simply make it very clear to her that you're not willing to just let her live at the house while she's carrying on an affair with someone else. If she wants to be with him...then she needs to leave NOW. And if she refuses, then let her know that you and the family won't be there for her. I did something similar to my wife...it made her realize what all she was giving up to pursue OM.

No one said that you have to tell her what the sherrif said. If she leaves the house willingly, that's her business, ins't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Tell her that you're NOT willing to just sit there while she's carrying on like this. Just my thoughts.

Thank's OWL
I am sooo grateful that I found MB, It has been a source of strength for me. WS says she will move out in 2 weeks and go live with her parents. She is pushing very hard for D, at least with that she is being fair, split custody, letting me keep the house etc. As she put's It she just wants out.
So OWL did you D, are you and your wife back together?

We're back together. We had an in-house seperation for about a month after d-day, but have reconciled. I have a thread buried somewhere over in the Recovery section that gives a pretty full history of our situation.

I was lucky...the way things happened in my case kind of caused the affair to crumble very quickly once it was exposed. I exposed to her family and mine (looking for anyone I could to provide me some support and to get my wife to stop and THINK instead of just reacting), and also made it very clear to her what the results would be if she followed through with flying away to him.

I made it clear that I would NOT take her back if she did so. I actually made a list of all the things that would never happen if she left me like that...because there was no way that our marriage would end up as a friendship if she left me for someone else like that. Which was what she truly thought would happen...we'd all end up being some kind of wierd three-way family, with me being good friends with her and OM.

I drew some pretty clear 'lines in the sand'. And at the same time I got her to see all the good that we'd had in our marriage before...and just when she was really starting to THINK about that, OM called and could tell that she was having second thoughts...and HE told her not to come to him. And so that was the beginning of the end in our case.
Take a look at my thread there and this might make a little more sense to you.

Have you tried exposing the affair to OM's family and friends and boss?

I have exposed the A to all I know, she gets around this by telling everyone they have been intimate but now are not and are seeing one another as friends (Bull****)
I found out over the weekend, he is planning on selling his home and moving to the town we live in to be by her. I am sure at that point she will move in with him (supposedly she is moving in with her parents in 2 weeks)
The other bad very bad thing I found out Is she Is encouraging our 9 yr old son to talk to him on the phone. It makes me sick.
As far as OM, he is D x 4, currently single, his friends know about the A, in fact they all go out together.

Yikes! Losers coming out of the woodwork!

What a terrible situation mntony! Her parents aren't all over her about this? My FWWs mom was her affair's worst enemy. Yep, MIL crushed a Pepsi can like a bodybuilder, said "Not in my family!" and ran off to find her wayward daughter.

Sit down and explain to her that all the things you enjoyed doing as a couple will NEVER happen again. Tell her she'll have to explain to the kid (s?) that mommy's a slut and ran off with some guy. (My wife went into hysterics when I reminded her of all this kind of stuff, I could see the fog lifting.)

I know you're not supposed to, but I packed a bag and explained to her that she had destroyed our family and our kids' world, and that she'd have to explain it. Then I told her I was divorcing her and talked about how to split things up. She couldn't take it and came back to earth.

I don't know if such extreme measures make sense for you...

I do hurt for you, and wish you luck.

Oh yeah, my wife encouraged our kids to talk with OM on the phone too, during the week she was in the motel before she was going to get on the plane.

My oldest son told him flat out..."You'll never be any kind of father/dad to me, so don't even try.". Wife and OM figured the kids would be upset for a while, but knew that they loved her and figured that they'd quickly come around. One of the things I told her that she was going to miss out on was her kids for the next year...her plan was to live with OM that summer, and have the kids come to live with them once he got a new place and everything (no way they could have all lived in his one room apt.!). All four of the kids told me (and then told her) that there was no way that they would consider going to where he lives during the school year...nor would they go to school there at any point since they were already settled in school and had friends here. (remember my kids are all older teens) So that meant that the EARLIEST the kids would consider visiting her would be a year from when she was going to move in with him. Needless to say, that was a slap of reality to her.

It astounded her that NO ONE could see her viewpoint in the affair. All of our friends and family were STUNNED that she had done this...we've always had a great relationship, and I am a VERY good husband and father. While they didn't all beat up on her, not ONE person supported her choice...again, reality check.

When you're talking to your friends, and they say that she says it's all over with, then simply say "Well, she's still living with him and sleeping in the same house...how over can that be?"

As far as her having your son talk with OM, I'd point blank let her know that THAT is totally unacceptable. I wonder if she's given ANY thought to the message she's giving your son by her actions with OM? What a wonderful role model mom is being!