Hi,
I have been posting here for about 10 weeks now. ww had an affair that was discovered 1 week in. Exposure happened to all parties right away. I have been trying to plan A but did a pretty lousy job. Too many LB and confrontations. Also to clingy. This pushed my ww further away and now we are seperated (she had been asking for seperation and coming and going to cake eat for 10 weeks) finally I threw her out when the affair continued and I could not handle my emotions anymore.My ww went to her younger sisters house after exhausting all other places to crash with people that would not support her affair. The younger sister does not support it either but she is very young and won't be around enough to really pay any attention. My ww of course knows this.
Anyway my ww is coming over in a couple of hours to talk about what her plans are from here.I know she wants to get her own apartment, but then we have to sell the house (can't pay mtg and rent too). It angers me that she is willing to just throw everything away that we worked for because of some fantasy with this cockkroach. I don't really know how to handle the disscussion with her. I have to let her go live elswhere because she will not stop seeing om and putting in front of me.It's just too painfull to live with her right now. I wanted to go to plan B but it is hard when we have to have contact for business matters and no one is willing to mediate for us. Help me with this. i really don't want to blow up or say the wrong thing to push her further away. I think we could work on the marriage if and when the affair ends. However I don't want to make the same mistakes I have made in the past that seem to make the bond between ww and om stronger.

kdh, why not lay it out for her that her name is on the mortgage and she has to make a mortgage payment. Tell her you have no intention of selling the house and ask her how she intends on making the payments? I would put this whole thing on her and tell her that she will still have to pay the the household bills no matter where she lives.

And if you have to, go to an attorney and get a seperation agreement that requires her to pay her share of the bills. Don't let her just skate out on this, kdh.

I hear you but she is on the run right now.It's kind of a catch 22 because I want to keep the house, but realisticaly we will not be able to make the payments (regardles of an agreement)She has been paying her share of the bills so far. However I think she might interperate your approach as holding her hostage and just run and say screw it. i am not convinced that she really cares if this place goes under or about any financial matters at all.I keep thinking that leaving here and getting into a different environment might be good for me. so far stubborness has kept me here and it has been dragging me down.

Ok so she agreed to pay her share of the bills and not rent an apartment until the home is sold. This bought me some time. She also said that she is thinking of a divorce. She mentioned that she was thinking at first that we could work on the relationship during seperation, but she didn't see herself wanting to come back to me.
I think I did ok in our exchange. I know the bottom line is that om has a firm grip on her reality. she is naive and thinks this cockroach (seperated, dating other women besides ww) loves her. I understood that most of what she was saying was just babble. I just stayed polite and showed her that I was able to accept her little rendevous for what it was a freak out on her part (ww never really been single).We talked about om and how seeing him would destroy her regardless of our marriage and I think I reached her this time. Of course I know she will keep seeing him. She now knows that I will not snoop around or worry about her anymore. There will be no more exciting secret rendevous anymore. Everyone knows and I am ready to move on if it comes to that.
Anyway wish me luck.

ok, kdh, what is your plan?

Well since my last post I hadn't spoken with ww in about a week.I was feeling a lot better and then she emailed to let me know she had drawn up leghal seperation papers. Well I LB big time. I got really upset and told her that if she wanted to sell the house so bad she needed to deal with all the logistics of it.
See my ww expects myself and her relatives to take care of everything so as she says "We can have a smooth transition". I just lost it. Smooth for whom. Her selfish [censored]. I had been so good at maintaining and was just leaving her to do whatever she wanted. She is uncomfortable now and wants to settele everything so she can move on and persue her sick relationship.
Anyway, I also found out today that she was seeing om about a month before I originally thought. Everone kept asking how could he get a hold of her so fast. Now I know it wasn't that fast at all.She kept her friendship with him a secret andf then went the extra mile.The more I find out the more I just want her to be gone for good. I am considering having her buy me out so I can just move on. I still love her but at the same time I just feel digusted and wonder if it is even worth it.

kdh,

It sounds like you are still reeling from the shock of your W's affair.

Calm down. Take a big breath. Try to look at the whole picture long term.

How long have you been married? Do you have children? Do you want to save your marriage?

If so, Melodylane has given you some good advice. Tell her you are committed to her and your marriage. You are also committed to paying of your mortgage. If she wants out of those committments, she will have to find a way to make a "smooth transition" happen. You are not interested in supporting anything other than rebuilding a new marriage in which you both are happy. You CAN set boundaries without LBing. Be firm, but friendly. If you find yourself losing your cool, tell her to come back tomorrow when you are feeling calmer again.

Plan A is all about assuming that the A is going on. It's about self improvment and offering a cozy alternative.

losttranslation,

You have nailed down in words exactly how I feel in my own situation, so I hope you don't mind if I borrow your words for myself.

kdh,

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, except that we seem to be handling things in completely opposite ways. You're having some angry outbursts and engaging in some LBing, while I think I've been guilty of totally being a doormat by being overly supportive of my WW. I think that we're probably both handling things in unhealthy ways, but I certainly understand what you're feeling right now.

Anyway, good luck in achieving whatever your ultimate goal is. You (like I am) are probably new to this sort of thing, so stay strong, my thoughts are with you, and take in all the advice that the caring and intelligent people around here have to offer. Just having the support that people here provide has helped me immensely in my own situation.

Scott

Hi, I have been posting here for awhile now.
We have been married 7 years (together 13 years). I have gone trhough the steps to try an bust up the affair(exposure ,plan A expressing my desire to work on marriage). It didn't work and ww and I sperated 1 month ago.She knows I want to be married but she doesn't anymore. She wants a legal seperation or divorce and is having movers come here to pick up her things this week.(so i guess she is finally taking steps to get out) she knows I can't pay for the house alone and she wants to be on her own. We have no kids (trying to concieve and failing has a lot to do with her finding comfort in another man) so there isn't that urgency on her part to stay in the marriage for kids sake.
Iam 3 months into this thing. I plan Aed for 2 months altough not perfectly. My ww continued her affair until she finally left for good. She had left and came back a couple of times and tried the cake eating thing. It didn't work and i decided at some point it would be better if we were apart because she had no intention of stopping her affair.(this was after 2 months of being a doormat pretty much and trying to Plan A but getting angry because she would not respond or care if I was changing or not. (to fogged up). It seems to me at this point that it is just too late to do anything about what's happening. I can't force her to stay in a marriage she doesn't want. She screwed things up and is just to immature to try an work things out. the single life for her just seems far more attractive than tring to save a marriage. I know we could do it but she won't try. I am just hoping that once we both settle down apart that we will find some kind of common ground that will draw us back together. at the same time I am coming to the relisation that it's over and I must plan on life without her. It just hurts really bad. even though she destroyed my heart I still love her and I get angry with myself for feeling that way.I know she still loves me too, but we all know the story "I am not in love with you". I know eventually the affair will end ,but it will be a big challenge to win her back from a distance (but I have no choice now).
Anyway, the only positive is that her family supports me and we are close so I know I will see her even after we are totally seperated, so there is still hope of working on things from a distance. Only time will tell. In the meantime I just have to deal with the pain.