I finally met my H OW. We decided it was time we meet. She was not what I expected. I expected a pretty young looking woman. Instead here was this very thin, very old looking woman. I could tell she was nervouse. I on the other hand was very sweet,very open and if I don't say so myself very likable. My H was there as were her kids so we didn't get into any really heavy discussions. I had sent her a card and a very long letter previously and she had a card and a letter waiting there for me. <BR>It's good to finally have a sense of what I'm up against. I don't think she is going to let go so easily. By the looks of her she has played this game before. She did say in her letter that she will always have my H in her life. I guess that remains to be seen. I know that H is getting tired of her dependancy and her problems. He has been very,very sweet to me the past few weeks. Ever since he asked if he could come home again. He says he does not have any feelings other than friendship for her. He says I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I want to believe that but I have these nagging doubts. I'm so scared that when he comes home for good on Sat that he will get tired of being here to. I'm scared of myself going back to the way I was. I've changed for the better and I don't want to get back into the same old habits. I'm so scared of getting mad someday and really love busting. I'm scared that if I say the wrong thing that he will pack up and leave again. Let's put it this way I'm just plain scared. He's been gone for over 2 mos now. I've gotten used to being the single parent who made the decisions. How do we go back to parenting together? I know that alot of you would be dying right now to be where I am in our reconciliation and maybe I'm just being paranoid. I'm more of a basket case now knowing he is coming home than when he left.<BR>I pray for a time when I can feel safe and secure again. H told me that I make him feel safe and secure, that's fine but what about me. How long will it be before I can feel comfortable with him again. We are going to counseling but I'm not to crazy about it. I guess i don't like dicussing us and him with him there. I just don't want to screw up. I'm sorry for the rambling but I'm feeling very stressed at the moment.<P>Jill<P>PS. Sorry I haven't been responding to many posts as of late I read them but I just don't know what to say right now. I guess limbo will do that.

Hi Jill -<P>I don't really know what to say.....<P>I'm glad that your vision of the OW was clarified. And I am happy that H has said that it is you that he wants.<P>I don't think that progression or non-limbo will happen until he gets her out of your lives......Like Dr. Harley says - NO CONTACT..<P>He has to understand this.<P>Hugs and Strength to you,<P>Sheba

Well that was a wonderful hurdle to get over!!!!<BR>Makes me want to do some travelling - maybe down south to let the bimbo know who I am. <BR>H has told me that she looks much older than me (she is).<P>Now you have every right to be afraid. But you are going to be fine. You won't lose those wonderful new things that you've discovered in yourself. Not as long as you remember yourself!!!!!<BR>Don't worry too much about doing the wrong thing. I know that's tough but you don't want to be perfect either. It makes you much too superioir and your H will be more comfortable if you are human too. Remember he has done a lot of human things and if you make a few mistakes it's not so bad. Just as long as you don't beat yourself up when you make them.<BR>I have had a few spells of hysteria since all the crap. I immediately apologize to H. He insists that I have nothing to apologize for since he knows the depths of what he has done. <BR>One step at a time. One day at a time. don't expect too much from yourself!!!!!

The first time my H moved back home after being gone for 3 1/2 months I felt like I had become a very odd person. I had my own schedule, I'd learned how to go to sleep alone. <P>I had my own way of doing things with the kids. His rules are much more strict--but then he wasn't usually here to enforce them. Like for instance, no pots in the dishwasher. And my rule is no burnt-gunk pots in the dishwasher. It's hard to go back to being a united front when you've been at the helm. My kids are 11 & 14 so they know how to divide and conquer. Now if he's doing something I don't agree with, I don't argue it in front of the kids, but will say something like "Dad and I will discuss that at another time."<P>As for counseling, maybe you want to go by yourself. I do. Sometimes my H has joined me, depending on if he's "trying" to make the marriage work or not, but I find my counselor really helps me keep my focus and have wished my H wasn't there when he was because there were things I need help with.<P>You probably will get mad. If an apology is in order, offer it, if not, explain what led up to the outburst. <P>Having your H come home is great. TAKE TIME TO HAVE FUN!<BR>

cw,<BR>I have had all those feelings that you are having and my H was only gone one day! So yours are 65 X's as bad. SCARED is the perfect word. I told my H over and over, that those were my feelings. He understood, he helped me get through it by holding on to me, by complimenting me, by reasuring me, that no matter what, he was here to stay, he would never put me through such an ordeal, now that he has realized how much pain, and how strong my love is for him, he feels lucky. (and believe me, HE IS) You will get through this, just like you have everything else, Together, with TIME, don't expect it to get to the comfort stage real quick, that's OK, just know to hang in there and let things heal. Even after 19mo, I still feel pain, but the happiness is Great. Make his home a place he will want to come home to everyday. He will feel your pain, he will have his guilt, but also he has his family and you. YOU HAVE HIM.<BR>Almost <P>--------<BR>TIME

These guys know, Jill. You have every reason to be nervous and excited both. Trust yourself. You are a good woman AND a good wife and he has seen that for himself. You will not be perfect, but that's ok, neither will he. But you both love each other!!!!! So you will work it out - together. <P>Hang in there, my friend. You're gonna be ok.<P>Lori

I can imagine the egg shell walking on them fear routine.<P>It is still scarey for me, when we get into a fight. I usually think "oh no, he'll probably leave." or I think "oh yes! Good he'll probably leave." It's hard to think that you can have a disagreement and the relationship will still continue. But usually it does.<P>Best thing is to learn how to voice your opinion without lovebusters, and hope that he does too.<P>

Hi Jill,<BR>WOW! I bet that was something. Good for you for being the woman of grace that you are. I am proud of you.<BR>Time will tell. I know its hard to keep holding on, but your H seems to want to be with you. <BR>Keep doing what you are doing. You are doing SO good.<P>Love,<BR>Cheryl<BR>

crazy,<BR>You said that you had gotten used to be a single parent who made the decisions. I wish that I could feel that way. I used to make most of the day to day decisions about the kids - now I am no longer allowed to. If they are invited to a birthday party when they are scheduled to be with him, I have to ask his permission (not that he has denied it, yet). He can let the little one cry herself to sleep if he wants, they can let them ride their bikes in the street. I can not sign them up for any regular activities on the the weekend, because they would miss it two weekends a month. How do people whose kids play sports do it? Does everyone else's betraying spouse either live far enough away that they aren't in the picture, or live really close? I doubt if he would ever come to a game during the week anyway, because he is only willing to see the kids (or she only allows him to be away from her) for one hour one evening a week.

Crazy,<BR>Move over, I'm getting into the same boat you are. I don't want w to live in the apt she shared with om, but I'm not sure I want her back here at home yet. But how do I tell her that without it sounding like a lovebuster. Also her and my housekeeping standards differ a lot, especially now. I do it when I get a chance, I really don't set a time to do it as she has always done. <BR>I'm afraid if she moves back and I let things go she will feel obligated to do them and that would be a step back. It would be diferent if we worked the same shift, I'm straight days, she's straight afternoon, part time but almost full now, so that we could do chores together. We both feel that we are doing everything our selves.<BR>I guess communication is the key(one of my weak spots).