Here is a short version of my situation. I found out in July '04 that I was pregnant for the 3rd time (2 previous miscarriages). In November '04 my boyfriend started cheating on me. I finally confirmed it in April '05.

He says that it was an emotional affair with her and they almost had sex a few times. He was spending time with her, supporting her $$ up until last week (he says).

Well last Friday he told me that he lied about sleeping with someone else. He says one night he was at a strip club drinking and ended up have sex with someone else. He says it happened bc he was lonely and I kicked him out of the house. Well of course. When I let him stay he NEVER put in the effort to work on things. He continued to see her.

Well ... We were trying to work on things and now I am not so sure. I am more than happy to break up with him but I do love him. How am I supposed to forgive him, trust, fall in love with him, be intimate with him?

Every time he touches me I see him with this other woman. I have instructed to not hug me, kiss me, touch my hand .... Nothing at all. I cant even sleep in the same bed as him. He is now on the floor in our room (I have 2 guest rooms but I have family from New Orleans staying with us).


Please help. I need advice!

(BTW ... We had out first MC session on Thurs and it was a mess.)

I don't want this to come out the wrong way but fear it will.

I understand your pain is as real as anyone who is M and going through this.

My advice, toss him and start fresh before marriage. Why continue this relationship?

Oz

I have no answers. You picked a loser and got pregnant by him even though you were not married. You are going to have to weigh things out and pick the best solution you can. It will NOT be a perfect solution. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, is this guy worth the risk? Do you have a child together? What kind of father will he be? There are simply more questions than answers. It is a ride on the wheel of fortune either way you go, but, I'm tending to side with oswald.

You need to forgive, because that is the best thing for you. However, forgiving the dog for pooping on the carpet doesn't clean up the mess.

M

Dear Starfairy-

You must be heartbroken to face these issues while you carry a baby too. Is this why you want so badly to forgive? Real forgiveness takes time and effort. It doesn't hurt if he's remorseful and willing to see a counselor either.

You can't rush yourself to put this behind you either. Right now, you have a small "window of opportunity". You do not have to marry this guy and see if he's loyal and trustworthy with the paper in place. (I did just that and ALL I got was the paper!)

So, you could sort of mentally put him on probation. A trial period, where he earns back your trust. If you feel he's truly repentant in a year or so, then your heart will be free to accept him in your life.

If not, you'll save yourself and the child alot of misery in the future aftermath of a cheating and lying Daddy.

This is just my 2cents. I didn't have a red flag warning with my son's Dad...He treated me like a princess until after we married. Then after rounds of physical abuse, lies, and cheating for 4 years, he up and left for Texas and that was it. I raised him by myself anyway (I was just 24)- marriage won't enforce child support- or make him treat you with respect.

Please slow down just a little and consider this. You deserve better.

Love, OPO

You forgive by taking control of your life, filing for child support for the baby, and not having sex with him again. He's engaged in risky behavior by having sex with another person, your life and health and your baby's could be jeopardized.

He blamed you for his cheating. How responsible of him. Of course you have feelings for him. But you have a precious, fragile new life to protect. He is a liability. Just make sure you get child support - contact the D.A. office and find out how to get started.

Lean on the family members who evacuated New Orleans for mutual support. I'm so sorry for this mess you find yourself in.

The forgiveness thing - old Bedouin proverb: "Love thy neighbor but tie up your camel."

Sorry to be blunt...but...

Your BF is a loser. Dump him, concentrate on your baby and yourself for a couple of years, then find a good dad for your child.

Dump the sperm donor now. Real men don't act like that-ever!