Here is a short version of my situation. I found out in July '04 that I was pregnant for the 3rd time (2 previous miscarriages). In November '04 my boyfriend started cheating on me. I finally confirmed it in April '05.

He says that it was an emotional affair with her and they almost had sex a few times. He was spending time with her, supporting her $$ up until last week (he says).

Well last Friday he told me that he lied about sleeping with someone else. He says one night he was at a strip club drinking and ended up have sex with someone else. He says it happened bc he was lonely and I kicked him out of the house. Well of course. When I let him stay he NEVER put in the effort to work on things. He continued to see her.

Well ... We were trying to work on things and now I am not so sure. I am more than happy to break up with him but I do love him. How am I supposed to forgive him, trust, fall in love with him, be intimate with him?

Every time he touches me I see him with this other woman. I have instructed to not hug me, kiss me, touch my hand .... Nothing at all. I cant even sleep in the same bed as him. He is now on the floor in our room (I have 2 guest rooms but I have family from New Orleans staying with us).


Please help. I need advice!

(BTW ... We had out first MC session on Thurs and it was a mess.)

Star,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here dealing with this issue.

Please read the concepts section above along with the books: Surviving an Affair.

You mention you are both trying to work things out but it is hard on you. What is he doing to make you believe he is working things out for you?

L.

Star, you should probably not sleep with him anymore until you get STD testing.

I would suggest that you accept that you cannot change him and accept him how he is. He is a serial cheater who cheats as a way of life. You will not be able to change him. Nor is Marriage Builders designed to change a person's personality.

If you do not mind being cheated on, then you have your man. If you are partial to a mate who can be trusted and doesn't cheat, then you should probably look elsewhere. But, at least if you stay with him and even go onto marry him, you know that what you are getting into: a marriage with a man who can't be trusted and will cheat on you.

p.s. I believe that people can change if they want to bad enough, but you cannot change him.

Thank God you're NOT married to this creep. I would seriously consider seeing attorney for child support and support for being a significant other.

This guy is a creep...I mean, no marriage or anything past being the live in here. While it is a committment, he may not view it as anythign but being the BF. Some guys also runaway from committment...and your pregnancy could precipitate this.

Concentrate on being a good mom. And realizeing this guy is not a good BF and may not become a good dad either. But you sound strong and will be the good mom here so that's awesome!

If all of this is happening BEFORE a marriage happens...do you think this won't happen if you marry?

His problems are his to fix. example...my xh was living with the ow. She deliberately got pregnant as means to speed up our divorce. He cheated on her at least 2 documented times during their "engagement". And after their marriage has still cheated on her. What part of that does she not get? It was not out of love he married her. And he will not change.

If somebody is lying, cheating, and destructive behavior happens before marriage, what do you think will happen after a ceremony or license is signed? Answer: more of the same. A piece of paper stops nothing if lies and cheating are part of their normal behavior.

Call me old fashioned. A dinosaur. Or a slave to my Catholic upbringing. But WHY would ANY woman agree to bring a child into this world without the agreement of marriage. If you have had 2 previous miscarriages, I would assume that this baby was not a surprise.

I am not trying to diminish the impact of your cheating BF. He appears to act only as badly as YOU let him.

You need to understand the huge difference between a mate and a sperm donor. Having his baby is NOT going to keep him in your life. Nor should a R be considered by you after the character he has demonstrated so ably.

Best of luck, my prayers go with you.