Good morning,

To be brief, please read some of my previous posts.

On Sept. 28, after over a year of separation, my W is asking me to come to an agreement.

She is the plaintif in our divorce that has brought us to trial on the 28th. She never wanted to settle because I believe she never wanted the D. She is now afraid to go before the judge.

Here's her idea:

We sign a legal separation agreement (NY), spelling out property division, etc. We stay physically separated while dating, me coming home to dinner, maybe staying over a night or two, and see if it can work.

There was never infidelity. We have 3 young kids and W has a RO against me which she will drop with the agreement.

RO was never for violence so there is little issue with that. It was designed to keep me from our home and use it to bargain along with other assets we own. I actually read that in an email to her attorney. Go figure.

Here's my problem: I have been living 60 miles away with my mother and paying for everything. W does not work, too difficult with the kids, also my son has Autism so working can only be part-time.

I drive 150 miles a day back and forth to my job. I stayed at my job with the hopes of reconciling. If I got a job closer to where I am, and we get back together, I now have a long commute again. My current job is closer to my home with the family.

A legal sep in NY is binding for one year before a divorce is granted. I feel if she decides one month from now that it's not working, and she doesn't want me home, that I have 11 months of obligation with no divorce. I simply can't afford it as our finances are in serious trouble right now.

We've been separated for a year already! If we don't work on our marriage now, then when? I feel she is buying time because she could have had me home at anytime.

We just started MC and have gone for 2 sessions. She wanted to quit (she has trouble facing issues). Now she says she will continue going with the separation in place.

I feel we cannot work on our marriage for another year while separated. After the year is up, we would then have to start on our marriage again!

I want to stay married and love my W but there is a trust factor here. I think because of her sitch, she's worried she'll have to leave our home (we have two homes, one's an investment so that is a real issue, I can't live in either for money reasons).

I have suggested a contract between the 2 of us that spells out property division, financials, etc., with the stipulation that I come home after a period of say 3 months. Meanwhile, we can still date, work on things, etc.

But I need the comfort of knowing that we can finally divorce legally should it not work out. I really feel she just wants to eat her cake.

W is very close to her family, emotionally and physically, which is part of the problem. Lots of dysfunction and issues. It would hurt for her to have to live with her mother which is most likely where she'd go. Our finances are much too tight now and we'd most likely sell one or both homes. I cannot afford to keep the family home while divorced. She knows that. Also, come the 28th, she'll have no medical insurance, she'll have to then pay for many of her own expenses and I know that scares her.

Well, if it scares her, I can't see how she can be so demanding. Financially, my life will get easier as she now gets 90% of my paycheck while the court motion is in effect. And it's still not enough! That's along with my commute for the past year. Thank God I don't pay rent otherwise the banks would have closed in months ago.

Thanks for your time and I look forward to your opinions.

I believe that several of us have already advised you not to agree to this. It is a complete and utter waste of time and money. I think your wife needs to get in to see a mental health professional. To put a restraining order on your husband (apparently without cause??), ask for a legal seperation and/or divorce, and then state she wants to do this so that the two of you can work on saving your marriage is derranged thinking.

Or there is another possibility. Her lawyer is setting you up. I think you are being worked for a settlement that will financially cripple you. She is thinking that she can continue to be a stay-at-home mom and you pick up the tab. Once she gets the agreement she wants from you, all talk of the two of you dating will suddenly stop. She will "change her mind" or trum up some new reason why "this isn't going to work."

No issue with the restraining order? Are you kidding? Do you realize that on one of those evenings when your "home for dinner" she could get mad, call the police and have you put in jail? Do nothing with and discuss nothing about any settlement until she withdraws that order.

So you have a court date on the 28th. Is this a preliminary hearing or a final hearing? Scared to go before the judge? Why?

Do you have a lawyer? What does he/she say about this? If you don't have a lawyer, you need to get one pronto, regardless of whether you wish to reconcile or not.

I agree.... This whole situation doesn't pass the smell test. I would be real tempted to have a serious talk with her letting her know it's time to poop or get off the pot. If she ain't ready, then file on her...

Thanks guys,

I've had a lawyer since this started. Have not spoken to him about this yet. The RO would be dropped with this agreement, of course. I couldn't go back without it.

Doesn't sound good to me either but I know she's getting desperate. And I do agree that she will mysteriously give up after a short time.

The 28th is the FINAL hearing. Been to court numerous times over the year, both Family and Supreme. Yes, I've had it already.

She's scared because her marriage will end and she'll have to help support herself and our kids.

And yes, I've told her, it's the marriage or nothing. She has a fear issue with that but I think the real fear will come when she's divorced.

"I need time". We've all heard that one.

Steve

Her desperation is NOT your problem and don't let her make it so. My counter offer would be: "Drop the RO and withdraw the divorce plea. Then and only then we can have a serious talk about a recociliation plan. I cannot and will not negotiate anything with a gun to my head. If you want to remain married to me, you must agree. If you don't, on September 28th, you will be a divorced woman and on your own for all matters not directly relating our children."

Yeah, we've all got the "I need time" rubbish from our wives. In my case, and nearly all other cases, it only means that they need time to get a few more things settled before they are gone for good. My W said thesame thing to me for six months. Then one day she didn't need anymore time, since the divorce papers were just about ready and the contract on her new house had been signed. Yet all the while she was "needing time," she had no problem with allowing me to support her 100% while she was sneeking off in the afternoons to have sex with her OM is some hotel room or the other.

Well, I put my cards on the table and my suspicion was right. Told her the only way to work on our marriage is to drop everything, continue counseling and go from there. Made her very upset which tells me she's only trying to buy some time.

I told her I won't settle for a divorce, only a marriage. I won't set her up for a divorce in the future, either. If she needs financial protection, she'll get it from the judge on the 28th. It's now or never. I think a whole year is enough to know if you want your marriage or not.

I know she still doesn't want divorce but the only way for her to change is to realize the ball is in her hands and there's nothing I can do to help her except keep all options open for talk and reconciliation. She has to want it. She can't threaten me with it.

After all, I already live elsewhere and have settled. She's the one who'll have to consider moving and uprooting herself and our kids. You'd think she'd be more humble!

Oh, yeah, this coming from the same person who emailed her attorney last year that she wants to humble ME!

Well, I admit, I am humbled. But I've eaten my pie. Maybe she needs to have a taste before she realizes what she's doing. If not, then this was meant to be.

Funny, she had me thrown out, filed for divorce, never worked in the process to even help herself, but says I don't want to come home to my family and I was the one who put us in this sitch. She's not even a WW but the fog is so thick you can cut it with a knife.

P.S. As far as the principles here on MB, I have avoided LBing fairly consistently the past 6-8 months. She is not aware of this site and LBs constantly. Thus, the reason I cannot give into her demands even though I want us back together.

We'll see what the next 2 weeks brings. I'll keep you posted.

Steve

You got it! You've hit the ball to her now she can hit it back or watch it bounce away and the game will be over.

You know you are the second guy who has posted about their wife wanting a divorce so that they can start over again. This got me curious, so I asked a friend of mine, who is a lawyer if he'd ever heard of such cases. He doesn't practice family law, but said he'd run it past a friend of his who does practive family law. Here's what he found out. This has become a tactic in states that have overhauled their divorce laws, the ones that have made it prettym much impossible for a man to automatically get bent over in court. The days of women making unreasonable demands in family courts are over in states like mine. The rationale: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. It's a carrot and hidden stick approach. Give the guy the ultimate hope and use the fact that he doesn't want a divorce and will do anything to stop it against him. If he thinks that the goal is to get the divorce out of the way and then get the relationship back on track, he is going to give up far more in the divorce than he should. After it's all over, and he finds that it has all been a ruse, there is absolutely nothing he can do about it legally. So what this is, is really a leagal con job.

Well your wife is getting her divorce and you have a restraining order enjoining you from having any contact with her. Do it her way in this regard. You've laid your cards on the table for her and at this point, you mustn't change your postion. Your's is a method of saving your marriage, hers is not. There should be no negotiation on this critical point. After the 28th, you will know if you are being conned or not. In any event, refuse to have anything to do with her while that RO is in place. You have every right in the world to demand that this be withdrawn. If whe won't do it, the two of you can do nothing eles. Don't waver on this issue.

You know, when my wife was pretending that she'd ened her A, I was doing the Plan A. That wasn't in her plan. I was supposed to be a raving lunatic, consummed with anger about her A. I wasn't LBing. What to do, what to do.... She found the answer! LB herself! She met my every kindness with acid, every patience with agressiveness. I wasn't playing the game the way she wanted. I was the one who was supposed to file for divorce so she could tell all her friends and family how I cast her away. I refused. Damn, how could I be so selfish and demanding by refusing to divorce her!?! In the end she had to decide to do it herself. Even then I wouldn't play the divorce game with her. When she told me out of the blue that I'd be served in a couple of days and what her demands were, I refused her demands, consulted my lawyer, and gave her a counter proposal. Mine was a once and final offer for a settlement. Either accept or I will file a counter-complaint and she'd end up leaving with her paycheck, the clothes in her closet, a few sticks of furniture, and a few odds and ends. My offer was generous and exceeded what whe would be awarded by the court by tens-of-thousands of $$. But it was nowhere near what she was demanding. Accept or fight. If you choose to fight, my lawyer will petition the court to make you responsible for my otherwise unnecessary legal expenses. She'd loose and loose big. I did not require an immedate answer, but told her to discuss it carefully with her lawyer. If her lawyer had questions, mine was standing by to answer them. There would be no further discusssion about settlement terms between the two of us (all further inquiries would be handled by my lawyer), nor would there be any discussion about the divorce itself with the exception of her withdrawing her plea. No compromise. She called her lawyer the next morning and my offer was accepted that afternoon. At anytime, all she had to do was withdraw her plea and we would have returned to MT. Until the D was final, if she wanted to talk about "us" and the D, I told her very patiently and in a business like way, that I would not discuss her divorce, but only our marriage. There could be no talk about us with a divorce pending.

Check,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I read many of your posts and I must say you are on the money. It hurts to know the truth sometimes. And that truth usually means divorce for most of us here. In my case, my W went so far out of her way to destroy me, I simply cannot bend even though I want our marriage back.

We've never dealt with affairs so I don't know how it feels to be cheated on. I'm sure it's devastating to know another person has some control over your marriage.

My W is a very generous, emotional, "young" woman. She gets hurt easily and in return hurts back just as easily. The rift she helped cause between families is unbelievable.

But I still love her and she loves me. Our 3rd child was only 4 months when we split so it's painful for all of us.

I still have hope she will come to her senses because I know she is a real family person. She has a large, close family and it really hurts to attend weekly functions as a single mom when everyone else has a spouse.

Also, while I reneged on the legal separation, I offered a simple contract between the two of us that spells out property division. If we decide to split, we simply divorce without lawyers. My stipulation is I return home and we begin counseling, as well.

For this entire year, she filed, yet refused mediation or any settlement. Court was put off 3 times because the judge had brain surgery (just my luck?). So nothing has happened and might not until the 28th. Clearly a woman who does not want to end it.

Each time we went to court, I was ready and willing to settle and end it if that's what she wanted. She never speaks because she ****** her pants in court. Her self admission. Last time in court, while I was insisting on settling, her attorney immediately pushed for trial with no discussion. Ran out on us even when we tried to speak in the hall.

I've been threatened that I will lose everything but the judge has hinted that won't be the case (we have 2 homes). While her attorney insisted on my paying for everything (appraisals, etc.) because "her client has no income", the judge informed my W that I will front the money, but her end will come out of her share. Sweet justice.

Between rants she is now considering my contract since I told her the D was out of the question on my end. Marriage or divorce. You want marriage, I'm hear to talk and work on it. If not, please stop blaming me.

But she is having such a hard time just saying "Come home, I want to end it." She gives so many hints it's not funny. If she can't come around with this, she will be very regretful. And so will I.

I appreciate your forwardness and no-nonsense advice. Have a great night.

Steve