Sorry this is so long, but you get the whole picutre
Well here’s my story. Married for almost 5 years, together for over 10. There is no doubt WH is an alcoholic, but for the most part a non drinking one. WH has done a lot to deal with the drinking, but not actually the alcoholic, by that I mean the part of him that wants to drink and the side of his nature that makes him an alcoholic wheter or not he is drinking. So being a person that likes a challenge(some would probably call it codependancy), I tried to work through a lot of the issues, and in many respects, have made many improvements, at least that’s what I thought. With alcoholism there is a lot of habitual lying. We have had countless talks about this, and he clearly knows and has agreed to what is acceptable. So in the last couple years, I’ve felt that we were drifting further apart emotionally, although many other apsects of the M are good, little fighting, not really any other problems. Sex had become less and less frequent. I tried to discuss withWH, but got a number of thinly veiled excuses. A few months ago I tried a different approach, I identified that I was not getting enough out of the relationship, attention, fun, etc. he committed to do more. Well, unlucky for him, I have great instincts and suspected something else was going on. I did some investigation and finally, confirmed he had been going to hookers. Part of me knew, something was going on for quite some time but it’s a different feeling of brutal reality when you know for sure. It’s a crazy feeling when you are faced with do you really want to know the truth or not. Anyway, I confronted him about what he has been doing, giving him lots of opportunity to confess, but only until forced with an ultimatum, did he confess, but not to everything. Well, after some very emotional days, we agreed on some things. When I confronted him, it started with a long talk on honesty and truth. He asked for a chance to work things out and promised to be honest, and agreed to make some changes and see a counsellor. That was yesterday. I have been looking at this site and he looked at what I have been reading, and I think he believes in some of it. So, later on, I started to question some things and he finally admitted to all of his indiscretions, I now think fully. I gave him an opportunity to admit to anything else that he has been doing or hiding behind my back and he did not although I knew he had been doing some drinking. Finally I asked him to pack and leave, then he told me everything and I now pretty much believe there aren’t more secrets(but I’d be a fool to be surprised if there were.) So after a horrid night of reliving everything that I have lived last week, only I now know what he did was more than what he originally confessed to, I’m sitting here. He says he is going to do all of these things to change. Part of him still blames some of my behaviour for what he did. I can be kind of nasty sometimes and he says I say things that hurt him. He says he chose to stop having sex with me as a way of having some sort of power over me since he felt I had all the power. So last year he started seeing hookers a few times and this year more, it was conveinent with his job. Right now I feel he is a disgusting vile person. He says he does own the problem and that he knows he has a lot to do to make things better. He says he is wanting to follow the things in this website and do more. But I feel like he doesn’t deserve this opportunity since he has had so many. I’m really in a state of rage, and fluctuate to deep hurt. I’m thinking of asking him to leave. If I agree to try to work things out, I feel that is just way too easy for him. I feel that he needs to be made to suffer as I have. I have not lied or cheated in this relationship, no matter how badly he has lied or treated me. When I felt things were not going well and we were drifting apart, I did try to bring them up. Now I am at a true crossroads. I’m torn between packing his bag and not letting him in the house when he comes home tonight or agreeing to try to work this through. Right now my hate for him and my hurt is so incredibly deep that I really don’t know how I’m going to get past the thoughts of what he has done. Imagine, a husband witholding sex from his wife on purpose for mostly two plus years and instead of having sex with her, he went elsewhere. He partly did this as he knows my personality so well that he knew that I would not cheat. Add to this all of his lies and alcoholic personality and do I really want to work through this. I’m looking at whether this marriage would be worth working through all of these issues. If we did work things out, would the end result truly be so much better than starting over with someone new? I question if any relationship could be much worse. I’ve asked him to do a number of things, like list out what he is going to do differently, how he is going to undo the pain and hurt and also what he thinks the consequences are. Right now I’ve been an extremely cruel and ugly person towards him, I’m really wanting him to feel some of my pain. I have not gotten physical, but I have very clearly let him know how I feel and how I would like to cause physical harm, but have not and would not. I understand that he is a person with low self esteem in many ways and I have said many things to him in the last few days that really causes him to face the ugly side of himself. I realize this is not constructive but this is pretty fresh hurt for me. So far I have not disclosed this to any of our friends. As I can pretty well guess the reaction from my different friends and their advice so not really leaning on my normal support network. I think I want to have a clear decision in my mind before I “go public”. I’ve even asked him if he thinks he can handle working on this while I’m working through some of the rage and hurt, I know itI will take a long time before I stop throwing barbs at him and have told him so. I have an apparent talent for being extremely hurtful with words, and what he has done has given me a whole new set of material to work with. I’m wondering if even if he truly does want to change and deal with his issues, will he actually be able to. I’m wondering if he has the capacity to do this. We discussed how he needs to do some things on his own and stop looking to me to tell him what to do, he then turns around and says he’s not a mind reader but at the same time, feels that I’m bossy. He says he wants to show me that he is serious about making this work, but I feel he has 10+ years to do that. Do I really want to let him waste more of my time? I honestly wonder if a leopard can change his spots. I will be making some sort of decision before this weekend is over, I’m going to deal with this head on. Its going to be either cut off the cancer as quick as possible or start working on things. Cancer is such a good analogy because so often even with treatment, you suffer horribly and you don’t get cured. Some times you get cured and life goes on happily, but you must get rid of the cancer, so in this case I think I need a clear perspective if the cancer is the person, his behavior, his core personality or is the disease so far along that no treatement will make it better? I’ve thought about doing the Plan A thing, making me the perfect wife, but in so many ways I’ve done that and I think that is why he wants to try to work things out, he does know what he will lose and he knows he is very close to losing it. I think Plan A is reasonable albiet a hard pill to swallow from where I am emotionally right now. My dilema is if I want to work this out. Does anyone have a crystal ball out there? Can I have a peek?

So desparate for help!!!

Dear Stop,

I soooooo understand where you are emotonally. H can just decide for you that your part of the marriage includes NO SEX while H can have his needs met elsewhere? I know that kind of seething anger myself. H agreed when he took vows with you to work WITH you in partnership and to honor this union. The two shall become one.

Your H has made you two again. He COULD have chosen to participate in the marriage and address the issues but no, it was too easy to just discard any obligation to what is best for the marriage. It is the betrayal and selfishness of his choice that sets you back.

In my own drama, I have asked myself- Where else is H willing to choose his needs over ours? What other lies are out there I don't know about? And, if H would invent cover stories and lies when our love was new and fresh, what can I expect when things are NOT good with us? Mine chose to lie since day one. Everything I thought to be true was merely groundwork to prepare for my retaliation when it all came out. My H has concealed his relatives addresses and telephone numbers just in case I ever made the discovery.

So, yes, I see why you feel violent. I do too. I'm thankful you got a confession out of him, it at least validates your distress. Maybe you and H should do a trial separation so you'll have some time to think of the actions you need from him to rebuild trust. Right now you are in the fog they talk about in this forum. It's hard to do anything and feel right about it. I know.

I hope this helps just a little, to know you're not alone. It does hurt. We are here for you.

OPO

OPO,
Thanks so much for being here. It does help to know this forum is here. What is a little different from what I have been reading in alot of other posts is that he is saying that he wants to make this work. Finally after the first D-day and now I beleive probably the actual one with all the details(there's nothing like living it more than once), he is saying he wants to be "Radically Honest." I'm really at a crossroads. I'm pretty clear on the things that I need in a relationship, I'm just not clear if he has the capacity to provide it or even if he is, will what is rebuilt be better and worth all of the effort. I'm not really into a trial separation as I'm actually in a place where I think I will either let H "prove his" desire to work things out through MC and other things or ask him to leave. I've been very clear on what I want, some of the things may not be right or supported by what is in this site, but I feel since he took it totally upon himself to do what he did, I now get to say what I need in this relationship if H wants to stay. I think that after I see some genuine effort and commitment from his part then I'll make it my choice to work on things equally. If I give H a chance I wonder what have I got to lose except if it doesn't work, it delays my moving on. But, if I ask H to leave, I also wonder what have I got to lose, as right now pretty much everything that I thought about our relationship has been thrown out and stomped on.
Thanks Stop

STP, I'm sorry this has happened. There area a lot of people here who can identify with you, myself included. You have to decide whether you feel a separation is right for you. Is he in treatment for the Sexual Addiction? He needs to be. I've heard great things about SA as a 12 step group.
Addictions have a way of being like a balloon, you try to squeeze one (alcohol) and it just makes the addiction balloon pop out somewhere else (sex, affairs (emotional or physical), porn, gambling, spending, drugs, ........) As my friend said, You need to pop it. You can't just keep squeezing different parts of it waiting to see which addiction will pop out next and wreak havoc on everyone's lives.

Your behaviours with him are not justification for him cheating on you. Effective deflection on his part? Yup. Any truth to it, maybe. But he needs to take responsibility for what he's been doing.

Get yourself checked for STD's with the doctor. It's not fun to tell them why you feel you need to be checked, but they understand.

Read about LoveBusters on this site. You want to be constructive about how you handle this, and look back on it and know you did your best.

Radical honesty is a good thing, but it can open up a lot of hurts that are hard to deal with well w/o LB's breaking out all over the place.