I have suspected my husband of having an affair for over a year now. He has been a habitual liar from literally the day I met him. I recently found out he has givem me herpes. In May 04 he went out of town for the weekend and got drunk and lied about where he was and who he was with. He still has not told the truth about that weekend. Everytime he tells a different story and when I point them out he gets mad and storms off. Around this same time he was getting mad at me all the time- He would get mad and then leave, but call me later. Well, come to find out he was recording all of our conversations. He can't explain why he was doing this. He has told me how he hasn't loved me most of our marriage, and that he doesn't care if it works. I found out three weeks ago that he gave me herpes. He swears he has had it since before we got married-but I just recently got it. He goes out of town quite often and I wonder if this is when he is cheating on me. I don't have any REAL evidence. What can I do to make him be honest? What do I do if I just can't make him be honest? I know that we can work everything out if he would just be honest!

Now is the time to do a little detective work. Is there anyone that you know he might be interested in? Also, check on the cell phone records, see if there is any numbers he calls a lot, or first thing in the morning, or last thing at night, put keylogger on the computer to track his email passwords and check his e-mail regularly. Has he recently started to improve himself? New clothes, cologne, maybe or introduce different ways of making love? Does he act secretive about his life not wanting to share all the information about his life? Also pay attention to the text-messages. Adulters favorite ways to communicate is through cell phones, text-messages. I am pretty new to this all so I am sure that one of the more experienced posters will jump in and give you some great advice.

Wow, sorry to hear all of this. The topic caught my eye...cause after a year and a half, my FWW still tells me lies or just dfon't give me all the info. I think it's the "fog" I guess.Anyone seen a WS in the fog for more than a year?

Mom

I am sad to hear your situation.

In my sit, I realised I could do NOTHING to 'get' my Squid to be honest. So I had to work out if I was prepared to live with lies. I wasn't.

I set three personal boundaries that were my minimum, not-for-negotiation lines in the sand that I would defend WITH Squid as my wife,or not.

First was No Contact with OM for ever.
Second was transparency - no secrets and no lies.
Third was to be treated with the respect I deserve.

Squid lied, stole, betrayed disrespected to an olympic standard around the time of her affair. She had always been entitled and sparing with the truth over the course of our marriage too. Lovely, but her first instinct was to defend herself, even when not being attacked, usually by denying with untruths.

When she was deeply foggy and demonically spiteful I decided I would not live with that.

I told Squid " I love you, but I do not need you. I need my self respect far more. I want you to stay and rebuild a great marriage with me, but I will not shackle you if you do not want to.
If you DO want to I hope you will stop lying to me, maintain NC and always treat me with respect.

I love you VERY much, but please don't stay with me if you want to continue to disrespect me."

This terrified Squid and was a real turning point in the process.

Now only YOU know how much disrespect you can stand, but I urge you to set a boundary for this. You will have your reflection as long as you live, and wherever you go, make sure you are proud of the person reflected in it.

U can't get a WS t/b honest. At the most you can do is help him stop being a WS. Help him destroy the WS so that only your H is left and is willing to get help t/b a better H and father.

WS, A, OP and honesty can never be in the same room.

L.

Bob, I hope you don't mind, I copied your post and saved it to my journal for future reference. Your three requirements were great. I, unfortunately did not tell my husband that transparency was one of the conditions, nor respect. I wish I had said that in my talk with him originally. It would have made a deeper impression on him today. Is it too late to do this and, and how would I do this, especially when we are getting along for most of the time?

KDH Its not too late, but you must prepare yourself for a potential loss of the 'getting along' you have right now. Boundaries are YOURS not your spouses. Your H remains free to violate yor boundaries if he chooses, BUT you have the choice to not tolerate any such violation any more. Make sure any boundaries you set are YOURS not just cool ones you read here, 'kay ?

"getting along" on the basis of untruths and incomplete disclosure isn't usually sustanable or satisfactory.

Another thing is you must decide what YOUR boundaries are. Just because I wouldn't stay married for long without transparency, doesnlt mean you cannot.

Actually Bob,
The reason I copied your post was because transparency is imprortant to me. Lack of respect has been a big problem in our marriage for years. My husband has treated me disrespectfully for years. It is the glimpses of the man I married 26 years ago that gives me the hope that one day we will have what we had in the early years of our marriage. I know that man is there, he is just hidden under layers of hurt, disappointment, anger and resentment. Our communications our defective, and we are learning how to communicate all over again. For years husband has not said what is bothering him until his anger and resentment boils over into an explosion. Then all that are within hearing or physical vicinity duck and run for cover. Vicious cycle that kept repeating itself over and over.
We never resolved any conflicts, actually we never discussed any conflicts until the explosions.
We are learning to do this now.