pinetree,
no, I am not in Germany, but I do speak and write the language.

I'm feeling low today, wondering what is the use of plan B?

If the frog prince doesn't understand what he is going to lose yet, will he ever? He's been promising that he will make a decision for a year now.

I am having a difficult time letting go. It is hard for me to accept that the last 20 years of my life were a mistake, that the man I thought was my husband no longer exists.

I am not going to be able to make a new start here in our house with WH living next door at MIL. The children will protest having to move...

LT,

I know exactlly how you feel. Thats how I have been feeling myself. I have 24 yrs in mine and I just can't imagine how he can throw it all away.

All we can do LT is keep praying and asking god to help us through this. It will get better we just have to have faith. I know its hard but what else can we do. Try and make yourself happy for today and forget about the frog prince.

I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm able to concentrate on my work. My children are enjoying being back to school, with the younger one proud to now be in the same school as here older sister.

I need to get in a coasting mode and turn off the obsession switch in my brain. Time to stop letting WH's A be my life's focus.
Time to move on.

The frog prince sent flowers to me for our anniversary via D17 "from D17 and him". I left a note with his post that said:

Dear frog prince

I accepted the lovely orchids because they were also from D17. I do not want any gifts from you until you have severed contact with Skunkypoo. I can not trust the sincerity of such gestures while you continue a relationship on any level with her whatsoever.

Enclosed is another copy of the letter I gave you on the 9th of September, in case you no longer have it. In this letter I have stated quite clearly that any contact with you is simply too painful for me. Until you have ended your working relationship with Skunkypoo and can provide proof that you have cut off contact completely and forever with her and are willing to give our marriage the chance I think it and our children deserve, I simply can not bear to see or hear from you. Please avoid running into me around our house or elsewhere. Please make it possible for me to keep the memory of what kind of man I was once married to alive. I will need this precious memory should there come a time that you are willing to give our marriage a real chance.
Sincerely,
LT

So, I've not seen or heard from him since.

I'm finally dark. Or am I?

He still lives next door at MIL's. When I went in to check on her today, I snooped around in his room. The drawer in the night stand next to his bed no longer holds my plan b letter to him and I couldn't find it anywhere.

Am I obsessive to keep snooping around? Looking for signs?

LT,

It's in PLAN B that I realized just how much of my 'mental' space I devoted to WH, and very little to myself.

I find trying to keep 'busy' helps. It feels superficial at first, it gets better with time.

I also try to balance out talking to old acquaintances/ family (where inevitably WS comes up in the discussion) and new people (who know nothing about my past and more importantly don't know WS).

Keep in mind that it will be particularly challenging for you with him living next door, and when visiting MIL. But really, the less you know about WS the better (so, don't ask about him), because it will help you not think about WS as much.

If you find you can't really help thinking about WS/marriage, give yourself a time limitation, like, I will think about it for 15 minutes, and then move on to a more productive activity.

I find that one of the traps of PLAN B is to play the 'waiting game' and watching for signs from WS. Watch for that one!

(((((luna)))))

thanks! I know, I have to train myself just not to go there. Easier said than done.

It's tough not having anyone around that understands or can relate to MB principles. I don't want to play the sad, sorry violin, but you and I both know what it means to move to another continent and take on a new culture and language and leave all your roots behind to devote yourself to a man that once seemed wonderful and is now alien-inhabited. So here we find ourselves up a creek with a broken paddle.

I guess it is no use in trying to figure out how we ended up this creek, and no use cursing the man that abandoned us here... we need to fix our damn paddle and get rowing!

I leave for a 3 day conference in 7 hours. I'm still up proof-reading the paper I will present. The weekend should be intense, so I won't have time to think about the frog prince. I've organized for SIL to look after the girls. she will certainly share that responsibility with WH. They should get some quality time in with him because since exposing, Skunkypoo is no longer allowed near my children.

This is just a quick update.

Ever since I gave WH the follow-up note to my Plan B letter to reinforce that I really want absolutely NO CONTACT with him because it is just too painful for me; I have been able to be completely dark!

I did check his room to see if the Plan B letter was back in his bedwide drawer and it is once again there, with the reinforcement letter. They've changed positions a couple times, so he has probably re-read them a couple times.

I'm slowly doing better about not obsessing any more. I am trying to train my mind just not to go there. Work and the kids help a lot. I do have so much work right now and it requires my full concentration. The girls have started school again. D10 started a new school which is very challenging. She does her homework in my office so I can help her out or keep her motivated, have her take breaks and fix her a snack. D17 is so independent. Her room is next to my office and she seems to be doing fine as well. Things are calmer.

I think I see where this Plan B will take me. Eventually I will be so detatched from WH, that I really won't care anymore. There will come a time where I will believe that WH never was the man he pretended to be, and I won't want him back. I thought Plan B was to protect my love for him. It will for a while, but not long term.

Prince Charming blames his long term affair with his former best friend's wife on my neglect of him during my studies. That is really an absurd joke, because he abandoned me with all of our joint responsibilities during that time and after to spend every free minute with Skunkypoo under the guise of work or a platonic friendship.

His last complaint at the end of Plan A (other than spite over exposure) was that I was now not yet earning enough money for the education he suffered for. (excuse me, he wasn't here much of the time and I financed it myself as well)


Hmmmmm....
Now in Plan B and no longer catering and doting on his every need and giving over my nursing responsibilites for MIL to him, I suddenly have more time for my daughters, myself, and my career.

When way closes, way opens. Work is going absolutely GREAT! It was my goal to have creative, satisfying work that I could do largely from my home office and I have succeeded in this. My daughters really enjoy coming home from school to a hot meal and a cheerful mom ready to hear the happenings of their day. My income has taken a giant leap this month. I've been so much more productive.

I still obsess about WH, wondering whe he will come to his senses. BUT it no longer hinders me as much. I am moving forward.

I realize I may never know the real reasons why the A happened. I may never know the details that would make recovery easier for me. The man I thought was my H may never have really existed, or perhaps he did, but does no longer. I have to accept this and move on.

I fret sometimes about how long I should do Plan B. Financilly, things are o.k. and the girls and I are still in our home and they get to see their father frequently. This could go on for a while, but I will eventually need closure.

Hi LT,

quote:---------------------------------------------------
I fret sometimes about how long I should do Plan B....
This could go on for a while, but I will eventually need closure.
---------------------------------------------------------

Took the words right out of my mouth!

I find PLAN B peaceful but lonely, very lonely. I miss my H and 'family', and often have moments of what I call 'quiet crying'.

Take care, and keep in touch.

I guess I feel like I am journaling here, more than anything else, but I sure do appreciate input from other MBers.

Plan B is going fine and WH is respecting my wish for NC.

I've been very busy this week. I finished two rather large contracts and will have two substantial payments coming in soon.

I was busy 4 nights this week, so WH had to make dinner for the kids and get them off to bed. So he got to see the house in its spotless state and since D10 now prefers to sleep in my bed, WH will have seen that I have redone "our" bedroom.

I'll be busy this weekend too. There is a women's symposium and workshop that I am going to on Saturday. They have projects and supervision for children, too, so I'll be taking D10 and one of her schoolfriends with. On Sunday I have a large mountainbike tour planned with a couple friends.

I still find myself snooping in WH's room when I go over to check in on MIL during the day. Before Plan B I had printed a couple things out from the Shirley Glass website. One on how to end and recover from an affair, the other on when to call the M quits when the WS is doing nothing to end C with OP and shows no remorse. I thought that WH ignored these and had long since thrown them away, but I saw these printouts on his nightstand. Also in the drawer of his nightstand is my Plan B letter. These are the only signs that he is thinking about me and our marriage.

I'm feeling a bit blue yesterday and today. I've been thinking about divorce.

I obsess way too much about WH's rejection of me. I know that Plan B is supposed to be about me and extracting myself from the drama and chaos of WH and the A, but I must admit that I was hoping for signs that he is missing me. There have been none. I see only two ways to heal from the deep damage that WH's affair has inflicted on me. One depends on his cooperation, the other not.

The second option, the one in my control, would entail my uprooting my children. That is not a step to be taken lightly.

Still my children are resilient. I don't like the message that WH is giving our daughters. "If you dare to have a fulfilling occupation along with a husband and family, your husband will punish you and replace you with another woman." As long as I was the helpless foreigner working at frustrating short-term jobs far below my qualifications and abilities, WH was happy. Nothing really changed for him outwardly... I still took full responsibility domestically = children, household, garden, nursing MIL, etc. etc. I think that I fulfilled all of his EN except for admiration. It was impossible for me to express admiration that I did not feel for a man that was behaving like a single that thought that he was entitled to the cozy privledge of a wife and children without the responsibility.

I am turning bitter.

I have an appointment with SH tonight.

Hey Losttranslation. i just read some of your recent posts.
I'm new to this plan B thing too, and our situations are somewhat different, BUT

It seems that the mental effects are about the same. I am thinking a lot about my messed up marriage, whether I should be or now. I'm feeling very bitter too. ALthough i know that thinking about things I could have done differently in the past is pointless, I can't really stop thinking about that either.

Hang in there and good luck.

Hi LT,

quote:-----------------------------------------------
I'm feeling a bit blue yesterday and today. I've been thinking about divorce.
-----------------------------------------------------

LT, I am sorry you're feeling the way you are. Does it help you to know that these feelings are normal under the circumstances?

Have you given yourself a timeline for PLAN B so while in it you don't have to think about doing anything other than think of yourself?

quote:----------------------------------------------------
....I must admit that I was hoping for signs that he is missing me.
----------------------------------------------------------

Just a thought: How much of how you feel has to do with your 'expectations'?

One of the hardest things for me to do in PLAN B is to expect 'nothing' from WS.

Well, my WS is proving me 'right'. I'll drink to that!

LT, I don't find PLAN B easy. Expect it to be hard, and go from there.

In PLAN B BS is removed from the drama and chaos, so the 'peacefulness' is much appreciated. On the other hand, the 'void' of not having a S becomes more of a reality, and therefore the pain, sadness, loniless, powerlessness, due to this loss, for me, have becomes more intense.

Deciding to the PLAN B, for me, is accepting the fact that BS cannot do 'anything' to influence WS, and BS is better off with N/C with WS.

In PLAN B, I get dizzy thinking about the future, so I try to focus on the day to day objectives.

Try different things to see what works best for you so you can get some balance between what I call emotions that we would choose to experience, like, enjoying ourselves, being happy, being satisfied, and emotions that we basically accept unwillingly to experience, like, bitterness, sadness, pain. Because we are dealing with ourselves, we do have control over what we do!

Thinking of you LT.

Gramn and Luna,
Thank you both for your support!

I just got off the phone with SH. I'll need time to digest the session. We did set a date for reassessment of Plan B at the beginning of January, though. Not the end mind, you, just reasessment... sigh.
It's a long haul. Patience has never been my virtue.

Maybe you're right Luna: perhaps now having some sort of a time limit will now help me to stop obsessing about every thought (tutti emoti) I've already put through the meat grinder a thousand times before and really get on with my life.

I am incredibly sorry about the message that WH is passing on to daughters, but I can't do anything about it. It's a hard fact to swallow.

I also realize that should we divorce, it will not be possible for me to emotionally detach and start a new life here where I am, embedded in WH family... the thought of uprooting my children is the most painful thought of all.

SH said, "Explore your options, but don't do anything concrete. Don't try to predict the future."

Looking at the positive side:
1. My children are healthy, coping with the situation, and seem to be doing fine with their studies.
2. I have an incredible support group both here and in "real life".
3. I am not in financial straits.
4. I am keeping busy.
5. I have not had one single panic attack since going into Plan B. (I just realized this!)
6. I'm no longer weepy and totally useless... actually my productivity seems to be returning.... I just wish i could stop from obsessing.

Hi LT,

Thanks for sharing.

quote:---------------------------------------------------
I just got off the phone with SH...We did set a date for reassessment of Plan B at the beginning of January...
Explore your options, but don't do anything concrete...
It's a long haul...Patience has never been my virtue.
----------------------------------------------------------

It's what I call the challenge of being 'out of one's comfort zone', expect in a life crisis like an A, there is too much of it thrown at us. You have come a long way, just think about that! Where were you six months ago?

quote:--------------------------------------------------
I am incredibly sorry about the message that WH is passing on to daughters, but I can't do anything about it. It's a hard fact to swallow.
---------------------------------------------------------

Yes, a BS is faced with a lot of powerlessness due to A and WS's decisions/actions. That's why focusing on oneself (PLAN B), the only one we can really control and change, helps in bringing in some balance to our lives.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
I also realize that should we divorce, it will not be possible for me to emotionally detach and start a new life here where I am, embedded in WH family... the thought of uprooting my children is the most painful thought of all.
----------------------------------------------------------

LT, You don't have to make a decision about this right now, right? So think about it, then put it aside. Come back to it at a later time.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
Looking at the positive side:
1. My children are healthy, coping with the situation, and seem to be doing fine with their studies.
2. I have an incredible support group both here and in "real life".
3. I am not in financial straits.
4. I am keeping busy.
5. I have not had one single panic attack since going into Plan B. (I just realized this!)
6. I'm no longer weepy and totally useless... actually my productivity seems to be returning.... I just wish i could stop from obsessing.
-----------------------------------------------------------

LT, I think taking an inventory like this is really helpful. At the very least, you got me thinking about it, too. Thanks.

It sounds like your WS is still taking a lot of your 'thought' energy. I also struggle with this. Hang in there - the less you know about WS, the less you will be able to do this. And believe me, it's not because you will not be tempted to ask about him (even want to talk to him, heaven forbid!), wishing HE would tempt you to break PLAN B, etc. etc. etc. Be strong and resist because at this time: contact with selfish WH = pain.

Personally, I am taking one thing at a time, not to say one day at a time. I don't know where I will be six months from now, because right now I am focusing on how to best get 'passed' the four birthdays and holiday season coming up shortly. I will 'hurt', but how can I hurt the least, since I have had already a good share of hurting. (Not to be confused with Hurting!)

There are the Vets, then there are the PLAN Bers (beers#%?), so you're not alone!

Expect to have good days and bad days, and hopefully, with time, the good days will outnumber the bad days. As you can see, I believe in the power of suggestion.

Take care LT.

I think that the trick for surviving Plan B limbo will be for me to stop fretting about my future and the future of my girls in the case of divorce. I also need to keep from dwelling on the past, sometimes a trigger will appear and I will be back to the time when I sensed that something was terribly wrong, those years of susspicion and thinking that I was going crazy to suspect my H and GF of having an affair...

I've thought about every aspect of the past and the future. It's time to put that aside. I need to live in the present and make the best of each day and the good people and things I have around me.

My gut feeling is to throw in the towel.

After a long, and fairly good Plan A, WH still refused to cut off contact to Skunkypoo. After a LTA they were just close friends now ... a friendship that excludes me... I should just get over it. He was still blaming me for his A. No remorse, no acknowledgement of the continued trauma and distrust that his relationship with Skunkypoo causes me.

Now I am dark and in Plan B. Why? What will this achieve? If he doesn't get it by now, will he ever? Maybe I should just divorce and move on with my life.

I promised SH a Plan B until the new year. WH will be in India for three weeks from the end of October. Then comes the emotional holiday time. I have always been the official hostess and cook for the extended IL-family Christmas Eve dinner. How will that work this year? Will they still come if WH is not invited? Our daughters have always been a source of joy for the entire family during the holidays.

Orchid: Your gut may be right. Please read on.


Orchid: You are working with Steve. Keep up the good work. Remember the plans are for your benefit not to fix the WS. If he is still blaming you, then recovery isn't within sight no matter how much NC there is. No remorse, no acknowledgement of traums and distrust means no recovery.

Now with this info, you c/b enpowered.


Orchid: U R in plan B for your benefit. As for him 'getting it', that's up to him. As for your personal recovery, that's up to you. Plan B is for your personal recovery while the WS has his head up his butt. If your boundary includes NOT being amrried to a WS, then D c/b in the works. But it w/b at your request not the A or WS'.


Orchid: Listen to Steve. Many fear the holiday but it usually happens less trauma or drama then we envision. If you don't feel like being the hostess this year.... pass the baton on.... probably time you do so anyway..... sounds like you spoil them too much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Tell the Inlaws you are quite exhausted from his charades and this year, the family gatherings will have t/b held elsewhere. Let them know if they want to include you and your family you w/b honored but if not, you'd understand. Be prepared t/b rejected so you w/b ready for either response. Once you are prepared you w/b ready and you will be ok.



Orchid: That's up to them. You can't fret nor control the reactions of others. As for your daughters being the source of joy during the holidays, they will continue t/b your source of joy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Hug them and give them lots of your love. It will come back 10 fold from them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

LT, I know how you feel.

The fact that our lives have changed is going to become more obvious during the holidays, when things will not be 'the same', so I don't think it's a good idea to try to do things 'as before'.

Can't blame you for wanting to throw in the towel. You're very disappointed in your WS.

For you, what would be the difference staying in PLAN B until January and starting proceedings for D right now? Do you really want a D, or would it be a way to get a 'reaction' from your WS? Just wondering.

I know that what gets me the most in PLAN B is that 'nothing is happening', and just itch to rock the boat somehow, just for the sake of rocking the boat - not a good reason.

I still have a very hard time accepting the fact that WS has really 'moved on', and it hurts like ******, and I am struggling to answer this question: So, what are you going to do? I am still at the stage of taking it one day at a time, especially with the holidays coming up. It's a biggie for me, too.

{{{{{{{{{{{LT}}}}}}}}}}}}