Wow LT you did good.....

You should be so proud of yourself for sticking to your boundries. I wish I had been as strong and not fell for the lies again.

Maybe your WH will be thinking about this and realize what he needs to do now.... Again great job by walking away ....

Hi LT,

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
Well, I guess we have nothing to talk about.
I got up and left then.
-----------------------------------------------------------

I am glad your WS was not able to 'talk you into' lowering your boundaries.

He's testing you, and you are not budging.

You mean business, and if he wasn't sure of it before, he is now. LT is no longer willing to put up with 'crap' from WS.

You're doing great LT. The ball is in his court. I think it's what Mortarman likes best about PLAN B - no negotiating.

It's also because you now KNOW, LT, that after spending Christmas together, WS would have gone back to stalling about taking actions re NC with OW, and you were not prepared to accept it.

I think it's what 'BS coming from strength' means. You are showing it. Thanks for sharing.

WH popped in this morning before taking the girls to the train to school. He said he wants to talk again today.

Me: I am willing to talk today if you first talk to your boss about transferring OW and have a NC letter to show me.

WH: You are mean.

Me: Yes, you are. I need to protect myself.

Same babble. Good response. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> It's hard, I know but keep up the good work.

Btw, u reverse bebble quite well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Your a good coach, Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I feel crummy today. Extremely dissapointed, but not demolished like I would get before plan B. So, yes, Plan B has helped me detatch. I simply don't care that much about saving my marriage any more. I am beginning to see benefits in divore --- primarily being rid of WH and OW in my life.

lostin...

you are doing well...

step back and realize the real message you are sending...

that you are more valueable than any of this .....

that you value yourself
your marriage
and your husband to spend any more of your life as part a triangle that you were dragged in to....

you have grown really really strong..

remember your first post ??

this is the hill to stand on....because anything else puts you with a man still in contact with the former OW...
and you will know no peace....

and you are worthy of more...

imagine how you sleep now at night...
imagine how you would sleep at night if he was back beside you AND going to work with her day after day after day...

imagine the inner chaos...

seek peace

he may surprise you...
ARK

Me thinks you will be a success story if you hold firm...

YOU SAID:



Are you sure about this?

Your H is coming into the FINISH LINE...

It may be awhile but he is ALMOST there..

The key is for you to KEEP IT SIMPLE.."Get rid of all contact with the OW"..and to not budge from this...

I used and agree with the LOVE MUST BE TOUGH approach. Although your WH will not let you know this now, you seem more VALUABLE to him if he can RESPECT you...

The fog tells him that he wants you to budge..to let down..to let him continue in the A...

He will remain in the fog for months to come..even during early RECOVERY..but the FOG is lifting, I think..He knows that he must end this A and he doesn't want to...

It is important at this time to also give him the message that you will HELP him with this..THE WITHDRAWAL from her, the PAIN that he will feel...the STRUGGLE with maintaining NC..

However, he will first have to get rid of her by any means possible...

Once the WS gets this, he is on his way...What he has to get: Get rid of the other woman, NC with her at all for life..spelled out in the NC Letter and through extreme precautions..AND that you will be the wife he knew in PLAN A...

Don't buy that stuff about him having to work with her..He knows that he can't be around her and end the A...

After 2 years or more of NC, my FWH continues to take extraordinary precautions to not see the FOW..He is more adamant and insistent about this than I am..it bugs me to always have to think about this..the routes we take, at what times, etc... This is to the extent that we are very SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT MOVING OUT OF TOWN..this is how important this is...YOUR WS HAS GOT TO GET THIS....

But I think he is definitely moving in the right direction...

This takes TIME AND PATIENCE....

Hang in there...

LT, be careful. Your WH just wants to come home for the holidays and will go back to his Marriage Vacation as soon as they are over.

As Mimi said, don't budge an inch from "Get rid of OW before we can talk." He will push you just as far as he can, but his wanting to come home for Christmas is an excellent opportunity to SHOW him that things are very, very different now and there will be no more waltzing in and out of your life whenever he feels like it.

Hang Tough, as we say here in 'merica!
Mulan

Welllll....

I think you can TALK to him but very briefly and succinctly.."GET RID OF HER"....CLICK...

Then, I will CONSIDER..reconciliation....CLICK...

NEED PROOF..NEED PROOF...CLICK...

For one, NC written so that I can read it...CLICK

Specific plan for what will be done about the job...CLICK

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Arkie,

Thank you, you are so right!

I ended up pulling myself together yesterday and actually having a productive day... and I slept great last night.

WH did call yesterday saying that he "hadn't come up with any results yet." Whatever that means.

I felt peacefully detatched. He is stewing. He knows he is on the verge of loosing me forever.

I visit a psychiatrist monthly that monitors my PTSS (for a year now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />). He has also followed the success of my career. Despite it all, I have pulled myself up by the boot straps and published a non-fiction book (in a language that is not my mother tongue) and this book has become unexpectedly popular with consumers as well as professionals. It has opened a lot of doors for me. This Dr. said something very interesting. He said, "If and when your WH wakes up out of the fog, he is going to feel overwhelmed and extremely unworthy. I think that you are going to discover that you have simply outgrown him."

I think that I have to realize that if we do recover our marriage, it is still going to require more effort from me, more patience, more determination from me. By the time WH wakes up out of the fog, I am going to be the strong one. The key will be to build him up, make him feel like a man again. He once had so many admirable qualities that he sacrificed for his A. I think that admiration is one of his EN and this will be a tough one to fulfill without appearing patronizing, because quite frankly, I don't feel much admiration for him right now at all.

You are an amazing woman. Look what you have acheived on your own!

You've inspired me to concentrate more on my own writing.

Thanks, LT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Gee Alph, thanks. And you should. Most of my writing is pretty technical stuff, but now and then I'll get a small creative piece published. I think that each of us have at least one good book in us. Lord knows, all of us here at MB have the script for a soap opera... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

Many, many thanks for the encouragement. Your situation was so similar. I hope that you are right. WH had wanted to have another talk yesterday, but called to say he hadn't come to any conclusion yet.
MAYBE he is mustering the courage to call his boss and get the ball rolling to transfer OW???

SIL said that WH was really moved by all the care I have been giving MIL. He told SIL that when he visited his poor mother in the hospital the other patients in the room were complimenting him for his wife and all the tender care she gives his mother. SIL said he had tears in his eyes when he said this!

Now MIL is home. This obviously will be the last Christmas that she will consciouly enjoy --- dementia is passing into senility now. He feels the pressure. The girls and I will be celebrating xmas quite happily on our own and all the ILs will be missing us and I am sure he will too.

Mulan,

You are so right about the Marriage Vacation. Love must be tough.

Thanks for cheering me on!

Wow, very proud of you. We have been discussing some of us writing books. At MB we could even do a mini series on the stuff here. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

The BS does outgrow the WS, rather quickly in fact. Your real spouse on the other hand w/b proud of your accomplishments whereas the Ws w/b jealous and nasty.

U decide what type of comments you will allow to be uttered in your presence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Keep up the good work. We used to have a novelist posting here a couple of years ago. I think she occasionally posts...... MB has helped her a lot 2.

All the best,
L.

Thanks, Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Most of the writing I do is pretty technical. I've only had a few small creative pieces published. Like I told Alphin in one of her threads, I think everyone has at least one good book in them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> We here at MB certainly have the script for a soap opera! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Somehow I have this novel that includes things from my profession as well as infidelity and my experience as an ex-pat. In my mind, I have the characters lined out as well as the plot and the climax ... I just think I have to write it to know how it all ends.

You know Orchid, I am so thankful that you have taken me under your wing here at MB. You've replied to every single post when I have been most in need. I adore your humor, your sarcastic wit and your ability to make me laugh and source strength when I am really in the pits. We are exactly 12 hours apart, pretty much opposite sides of this planet. Ain't that kinda cool? Wanna trade for a couple weeks? You at an Alpine resort, me in the big blue? Actually, I'd prefer meeting you in person half way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What the heck are you doing up this hour of the night anyway?

***We used to have a novelist posting here a couple of years ago. I think she occasionally posts...... MB has helped her a lot 2.***

Unless there's another one, that would be me!
Mulan

Hi LT,

.....just to let you know... I am cheering you on!

Have you written a few Mulan? Have you built in some of your MB experience in a book?

WH told me this morning that he was really sory for all the pain he has caused me. He also said that he talked to Skunkypoo about the job transfer and she said she would leave the bank altogether. WH is going to talk to his boss about a replacement for her.

Me calmly, "I heard those very words from you a year and a half ago."

WH: "But the situation was different then."

Me: "How was the situation different then."

WH: "I wasn't ready for that yet."

Me: "I need some varification that this is going to happen and I need a time frame for how soon it is going to happen. I also need a NC letter."

WH: "You will get varification and a time frame from my boss."

Me: "When?"

WH: "I can't say yet."

Me: "Hmmmm. What about the NC letter?"

WH: "I'm not ready for that yet."

Me: "You understand why that is important and necessary?"

WH: "Yes."

Me: "I will need this before we start talking about a new beginning and working out a plan for recovery."

WH: "Ok."



WH sounded sad and depressed.