I don't know what to do for sure. she's moved all her clothes and belongings out of public areas of the house into the guest bedroom (which is going to be her room and living quarters.)

She just wants a tv and dvd player, and I'm not going to let her move the computer if she wants to...

Another one of my friends I"m making a huge mistake. He said he tried what I"m doing once and it just didn't work. He said the whole concept is wridden with flaws.. So, I don't know.

I wonder though.. . . What if I start enjoying being single and realize I'm happier without her than with her? What do I do? I know it's too soon to make that big of a decision, but what if I find myself enjoying life and day to day without her?

To facilitate the future, I'm going to ask her to open a second checking account in just her name. And tell her what bills I require her to help pay out of her pay checks, and she can deposit the rest into her own account to live off of and to save up for getting her own living quarters and to cover any relocation expenses, if or when it comes to that.

Ladysheep, I realize you're living with your H still, but I have to wonder if it wouldn't be easier on you to not have to see him during this time? I feel like my W's struggle is hers, not mine, and in order for her to grow from it, she will have to succeed at overcoming it by herself. I'm praying for the answers, I just feel so relieved the confrontation is over, and am content now to be living by myself. I have some attachment left for her, but not much.

Good Morning whitewolf,


How are you feeling today? We went to the High School Football game last night, my little one loved it & I loved seeing him so excited & happy. I really just wanted to take him by myself, I guess I am trying to get to a point of where I was when I was a single mom being involved with my boys with sports. H came looking for me, I passed him as I was coming home. I don't feel comfortable with going with my H at the present time. But we are supposed to go to the beach today as a family if the garage is able to fix the muffler that came loose yesterday. It just feels so weird now, I don't even know how to explain it, it just doesn't feel like a "whole marriage" or a "whole family" anymore, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

You asked if my H goes to IC. Yes he has been going for years, recovery programs also.

My daughter called last night and said when H answers the phone "it make her want to throw up." So she's not shy at telling me how she feels about him. She's lost all respect for him, and to tell you the truth I have lost some respect for him also. I'm am just trying not to be a love buster.
He for the most part is being respectful. It's difficult for me to go from being a BS to meeting his EN's, so we haven't gone through the EN questionaire yet. I am going to get the book His Needs/Her Needs at the library.



I know thats a difficult decision. Harley says that chances are that if you seperate out of the house, divorce becomes more likely to happen for that reason. You could find that you like singleness and may not want to reconcile the marriage. I think that is why he doesn't recommend it if you want to try to reconcile and keep the marriage together. I would think if you are not able to make that decision now, it's alway best to wait. That's where I'm at the waiting stage.


Well I feel abandoned if I don't see him, and I feel sad when I do see him. So I guess at this point neither are good feelings. Yes, it his problem to overcome, (and he goes to a bible based 12-step program called Overcomers).
You may want to see if there is one in your area for your wife. Do you think she would be open to something like that? It is a recovery program for people with all different kinds of addictions.

Lady

I don't know on her open ness to a support group. She would probably want me to go with, and I don't feel it's my place to do that. But I want to say that we are reconciling. It feels as if a brick wall has been removed between us. I can't forgive her yet. I feel it would be cheap for me to do so. BUt, I am loving her again more. I have chosen to try to meet her ENs while she goes through this. It's hard, but it's working. She wants to change and that's the majority of the battle. She is willing to go to counseling, she wants to be there for me. She admitted last night that she feels we've never truely had a marriage. We just took each other in as roommates at a vulnerable time in both of our lives.. within 1 to 2 months of dating each other we moved in together. We may still have been in the dating stages for the last 5 years and didn't know how to move to the marriage state even though we took that leap. So, the fact is we're improving. we realize there's problems and we're going to get help.

She read the book "surviving infidelity" and read parts of it too. It was really weird reading the very things that happened in our life. She took steps to show me it's over with him and has a huge amount of guilt. She hates herself, and feels she should be shot. She will someday get over that I think. but, I told made it very clear that I refuse to go back to the way things were. S once or twice a year and just doing things as roommates. If we're going to be married, we have to be married. She is willing to seek help for the SN too if the counseling doesn't help with that. As embarassing as it seems we may need to go to ST. If that's what it takes to save our marriage then so be it.

I feel good. I feel like I'm giving in to her ENs too easily after she's hurt me so bad. What prevents her from walking all over me again? But, she has enough guilt for now, so I'll be there and do the best I can to be there for her.

So, in short, as much as I hate to say it, this needed to happen to make something greater than we've ever had to come out of it. That doesn't make what happened right though.

Your H, I don't know what to think. He seems unremorseful to me, or reality doesn't seem to have set in for him yet. I find it hard to tell you to be there for him, but if he is feeling guilt, you not being there for him, makes it less painful for him to continue separating. (I agree on the views of separation now.. I didn't understand it before though, or I did, but didn't realize it). If you meet his ENs, that will make the guilt stronger, if he has any, and it will make it more painful for him.

I think things will work out for us in time..

Hi whitewolf,

The "Overcomers Outreach Program" is a good program for those needing recovery for various addictions. If she was willing to go, you could go with her the first few times to see what it is like. Here is a link to the website, and directory in your are, just in case.....It really is beneficial and many H's & W's go together.

http://www.overcomersoutreach.org/

They provide Christ-centered, recovery support and fellowship for those whose quality of life has suffered due to problems such as:

-difficulty in relationships

-codependency

-addiction to drugs and alcohol

-eating disorders

-sexual addiction

-pornography

-love and romance addiction

-gambling

-addiction to spending & debt

-obsessive/compulsive behaviors

-depression/low self-esteem

-impulsive behavior

-attention deficit disorder

I'm glad you have come to a decision for recovery, that was fast.

.

Well I have to disagree, as I said earlier, he is going through a tremendous amount of guilt, and should be. It's normal to feel guilty when we do something so wrong.

My H took the car to the garage, and then went to have coffee across the street. Guess who walked in, my Pastor, he has been on vacation for a few weeks, so he didn't know what happened, but he knew something was wrong. He talked with my H. H told him the marriage has mostly been amout him (thats true) and he told him everything. Pastor asked that we call and make an appt with him soon. Then guess who walked in? My H previous spiritual mentor! Wow, talk about divine appt for my H today!!! All very much needed.
We'll see where things go from here.

Lady

That's awesome!

I don't know where we're going. I just know that I feel so neglected and betrayed at the same time. My SN's have not been met in this M since we met. I can probably count the number of physical encounters on my hands and toes in the last 6 years. So, it's hard to have something good to look forward to. I have asked if she would consider Sex Therapy, to find out of it here's additional issues. she said she may have confidence issues in herself. But, she has to deal with the guilt. I hope that she does deal with it correctly. The "fast" change is because I saw in my W's eyes for the first time ever how much she wants to save this. If she cares that much, I believe she might have what it takes to survive and make something wonderful. But like I said I don't have anything in the past to be hopeful for in the future as a foundation.

I stay to on the promise that God will work with her to forgive herself. She started a journal and is using this to sort out her emotions and heal.

My H therapist recommended that he start his journaling again also.

I think that you may have hit it right on, when your W's mother said she used to call the 900 #'s, then it may have developed into an addiction, and she took it further. She has to know that it is a real weakness that she has, and to stay away from all persons, places and things that would contibute to her addiction, just as an alcoholic has to stay away from bars, the beer isle, people drinking, etc... do whatever it takes!!!!
So it's a good thing she threw out the webcam.

You have a lot of serious issues to work out as do my H & I. It's like a fire has burnt down the marriage/house, then assessment is done. We are in the stage of assessing the damage. And then we will decide whether we want to rebuild. The good thing is, is that the foundation is still there and that is Christ in us the Hope of Glory!

Lady

I know. We are moving on to the Asessment stage. My wife wants to commit everything she has to do what it takes to be with me. We see the rubble that has been the last few years, and now have to rebuild, and we're assessing what we've lost if anything, we realized together that we lost almost nothing b/c there wasn't anything there in the past. The one thing that remains is christ and that's what we'll build better on.

I agree, it's her addiction is transferable and has moved from item to item. from phone calling to webcam and chat useage. I can't keep her from everything. I've asked her to tell me at anytime if she feels tempted with anything, I've told her as long as she keeps telling me her true feelings and temptations I will work to rebuild and be there for her.

I want to rebuild, if that's a possibility. I know that I could find someone else in time, and live alone, which would work too, but I feel that she can be a greater person if she works through this. Plus I still love her despite what she's done to me.

Why didn't God make us as robots. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow! You are such a forgiving person, she is fortunate for that, and you better tell her she better not take that for granted. I was just reading somewhere here that love is not a feeling, it is an action. A lot of women wait for it to be a feeling. God is Love, Love one another. I guess that would be an action word. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lady, I agree on your assessment of love. I had a sociology professor in a secular college say "What if we all agree for the moment that ther may actually be a God. Now, what if this preverbial God woke up tomorow morning and said 'I don't love humanity anymore'?"
God doesn't "Feel" to love humans... He "chooses" to love humans, as a mother or father chooses to love their child, despite the ugly things children do sometimes. After all, doesn't changing diapers make anyone want to love their child? Yet, people still love their children despite having to change diapers 4 or 5 times a day (I've never had a kid so I don't have a clue if that's accurate at all, LOL).

So, I would agree choosing to love someone also has to be followed by the action of loving someone. God knew this... He had his son demonstrate the action of love. God could have revealed all of his angels on earth and said see "I do love you all", but imagine the chaos? Humans would have distrusted and turned away.. God knew the best way to demonstrate love was through self sacrafice. "For God so LOVED the world, he gave his only begotten son...." This was the action of love. A long time ago I made a choice to start loving myself. I had hated myself from the ages of 11 to 20. IT was a routine I had. "Beat self up day" was 7 days a week. Now, I know what my W is going through to some degree. Though She brought it upon herself, she is feeling degraded and self hatred. She also feels scard because she can't figure out what brought her to this point. Which I admit is rather a scary thing.

Counseling is a week from Tuesday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So a long time for self reflection!

Hi,

Day to day different feelings. Today I hated my H, told him I want a divorce. He was 2 hrs late getting home, and I couldn't handle it. Since D-Day I have asked him to call if being late, or I get all kinds of bad thoughts of where he could be. Well he blew it, and I blew up!!! I haven't been so upset in years.

Lady

Ladysheep, I am sooo sorry! I don't know what to tell. My W's affair was online and I could track it quite easily and there was no wondering. Just the fact that I didn't track it enough. She eliminated all possibilities of contact with the OM when I confronted her. She threw the webcam in the trash, she started a journal, she started reading books on infidelity, and she cleaned the house, all within the first 3 days after confrontation. She left no question in my mind that she wanted to continue the other relationship.

I'm really sorry about your H.. I don't know if Making the D decision in the emotional cloud your in was a good idea, because now if you don't follow through with it, you'll be going back on your word and he won't take you seriously as before, and if you do follow through with it, was it the best choice? I agree, if he won't terminate the relationship and continues to lie to you about everything, you're not going to have much of a choice!

All I know is my thoughts and prayers go with you. I pray that you won't be alone in this time of being alone, and that you'll have the support you need no matter what the future brings!

Please take care of yourself!

I don't really know what else to say or do!

Goodmorning whitewolf,

Yeah, he says he doesn't want to rush in to divorce, but he had no problem rushing into adultery. It all comes down to, I don't trust him. He's doubleminded, and very unstable, and doesn't regard the feelings of others. I think when he cries now its just feeling "sorry" for himself. Because everything is about "him" and always has been. I have to get my son in my custody before I can do anything.
My daughter and sister want me to go back to Utah where I was born, they feel I need loving moral support. My husband does not know the meaning of love, and he has the moral compass of a jack a$$. I found that he got a credit card with $5,000 limit to protect "himself", and he is canceling the rest of them that I have that I never use!
I'm not a credit card person. But now I'm thinking he is doing that to trap me here. I don't like living insecurely with him, having to wonder where he may be if late. That is a terrible tormenting way to live, so I asked him if he would please call if being late. You see my H is the type that will tell some, but not all if it's going to get him into trouble. He's a half truth teller, which makes a whole liar. I was so hurt and angry yesterday, that was probably a nervous breakdown. I don't like seeing myself like this because his actions. My son just held me, he doesn't need this either. I think we deserve better treatment than we have got. I just wish that children and I could have the life that God intends for us to have. Please pray that God helps us make the right decision here. I think He is giving me the choice to stay or go. I think
staying would be difficult and going would be difficult.
But I want what is best for my childrens lives.

Lady

If he will not stop the lies, and will not do anything to alleviate your fears or commit any actions to you to rebuild trust (My W has shown me in many ways that she is sincere about throwing the relationship where it belongs, it does bother me that she felt even worse when she'd told the OM that their relationship was over and he didn't care or show that he cared... I asked her what she expected to happen, and she wanted him to be a little more compassionate... ) She realizes now what she's been to him and is using whatever means neccessary to rebuild our trust and marriage. It'll take a lot of time and I am unable to fully trust her right now, but at the same time, I believe I can have some faith in her. She calls me when she leaves the house to do something, she lets me know exactly what she uses the internet for, and she refuses to use her own computer. She uses mine so I know she isn't doing anything I can't track. She is accepting counseling, individual and marriage.. All of these are signs she cares. Your H, doesn't seem to be showing any signs of remorse or care. He might even be using the emotions to manipulate you on a subconscious level. After all, it is hard to be angry at someone that's crying. So, he may simply cry to turn your anger from him.

I would agree, get the kids and move somewhere where you'll feel safe. Ultimately you're going to need a rational support structure. If you can, counseling may be in order, for yourself. To recover, rebuild self confidence, and to renew your stability. I know it sucks. We may even go to sex therapy, which is going to be really hard for us, b/c we're fairly conservative people and stuff like that is well, outside of our comfort zones for both of us. Yet, to rebuild a much better marriage it may be required, and my W has also agreed to that.

Anyways, my point is, she is willing to do anything to save our marriage. Christ has shown and said that the greatest things in life and heaven are gained by being a servant. My W is humbling herself unto me, she is now a willing servant in my life until which time I trust her with more things. Your H, is doing nothing to show the humiliation he has caused you, Your H has done nothing to instill trust, or to comfort you or to give you hope...

May God guide you and help you in this time of need! He loves us no matter what happens! He will be with you as he has always been!

Dear Ladysheep, I just recently found (2 1/2 weeks ago) that my husband has been having affairs for quite sometime. The OW called and I spoke with her.He explained it as a few years ago of actual physical contact and then "just" email and phone calls. I actually had empathy for him and her because back when he said it started I could have just as easily under the "right" circumstances done the same. WE were both that unhappy. Thank goodness I was going to church and filling myself with God's Word. God is so good!
I actually had a very civil conversation with the OW because I could see how it could happen, and he told me he had at one point thougth to leave me for her, and had made promises he didn't keep so I did feel bad for her. Also, att this time my husband and I were what I thought happy. We bought a house and had been respectful and caring for each other.I looked at it as a blessing to know so we could fix things that obviously needed fixing. The OW couldn't believe my attitude, but God has forgiven me so much how could I not if the affair was really over and only the reamains were left?
We had been having such a better time, I thought, for the 3 years past that I just thought while the contact was inapproptiate that it was just a leftover from before and I was really not threatend just sad.
He then left on an extended trip (he is in the merchant marines and has to be gone for a couple months at a time) and I decided to snoop, and I found that he actually had a woman fly in to our city from a different country August 1.
He had been down there helping his widowed mother get ready to come to the States. The time he was down there we talked every day and I was very supportive and compassionate and now I come to find out he started up right away with the person.
I am devastated and over my head.
I found this website and through emails and phone calls he also went on and he says he is repentent and onboard for all that MB offers, but .... what to do? Do I want to? And if I do, so what? Help!!!!

Dearest overmyhead,

Oh no!!! Is the other woman still in your city? I feel so sad for you. I know it is the worst feeling I think one can face on earth besides death.. I feel the same way, it is so difficult to know what to do through the devastation. It must be so much more difficult when your H is gone for months at a time. My husband says he is repentant also, but the actions aren't lining up with his words. I have never felt so threatened when he walks out the door and is late, having to wonder all the time, is he telling the truth or isn't he?

Do you have any children together?

I know there is so many good principles here on MB to help marriages. I just don't know if my marriage is savable at this point. We start MC on the 5th of Oct, if I make it til then. When does your H come home?

Love and prayers, Lady

Hi whitewolf,


I am happy to see your wife responding in such a way that tells you that reconciliation is possible. That is great and I am happy for you and her.

Yes I believe he does that too, alot!! I think it's another "attention thing" to try to bring pity on him. I won't pity him when he cries though, as many probably have done in the past, so it doesn't work for me. I just wonder if he is capable of really feeling????? Between the meds he's on, the instability, and the doubleminded are all recipes for disaster, and leave him really feeling numb when it comes to the feelings of others. My H has been in therapy for years (secular). The secular therapy tells people to only care about themselves, only serve self, only take care of self. I think he has been brainwashed by that way of thinking, which has led to why it is hard for him to really grasp and understand and regard the feelings of others. He is an attention drainer. All attention has to be on him or he is not happy. It's such terrible character flaws that just don't mix with marriage and make it much more difficult.

.

That is so true at this point. And I told him that also.

Keep praying!!!!!

Lady

I can't believe the change in my W. She has brought me to the point of where I know why I love her. The physical closeness we've been experiencing the last 2 or 3 days is way better than the last 5 years of our entire Marriage.

It truely is amazing what change has worked upon her heart. I thank you for your prayers. We still will be attending counseling to insure there's no leftovers that could come back to bite us, and to insure we have a stable support system with each other.

I wish you could have the same with your H Lady, and you overmyhead. I sometimes wonder if men weren't evolved from pigs. (I can say that b/c I'm one of them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I hope you guys find ways to deal with this. All I can say is take the anger and pain out on exercise. Doesn't have to be vigorous, just get out and do something that you can concentrate on. I've been using the treadmill and listening to heavy rock music to alleviate my stress of the past. This allows me to vent it without impacting my W, or my cats. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (or in your guys's case kids... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I think my cats love me for this b/c I haven't thrown them at any walls recently. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My thoughts and prayers are with you guys, I hope you find the answers you seek, and remember, my favorite verse (though I don't know the verse off hand...)

"Be still and know that he is God." If we truely realize and truely believe that we are communing with the great creator of the universe. What evil, what sin can stand in his way of doing something wonderful in your lives! Take heed and know that he is truely God... Let that sink it, for it's really amazing when we realize the truth of our faith.

Wow whitewolf, I am glad to hear your good news!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hoping every day gets even better for your marriage.

Today I started a womens bible study on "The Mind of Christ"

The women there are beautiful Spirit filled women who are mature in the Lord. I was so blessed, and uplifted and this study was very much on time, being that my mind was beginning to get very angry, bitter, and resentful. I feel so much peace today, and I am so thankful.

Yes I am being still and knowing He is God. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lady

Hey, Lady, How are things going for you? I hope this weekend goes better than last for you! My W is really depressed b/c she is beginning to realize why she did what she did with the internet guy.....

At times, and according to the past, more times than not, she gets no pleaure out of S. She says that what she did over the internet with the OM really turned her on and she found that might be the only way she can be Active. She says she won't ever go back to him, but at the same time, how are we supposed to have a physical relationship, if she is unable to be pleasured by me? I know she is extremely depressed over this and I am getting there. She refuses to try anything different, but yet, doesn't like general SF. I'm hoping that a counselor will help us with this, but I don't know. We may have to go a specialized therapist if we both want this to work.

Hi whitewolf, it's good to hear from you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, I think this weekend will be better. We have plans to go to yard sales in the morning, look at a snow blower, and Walmart. So I won't be home dreading and depressed. He has worked the rest of the week to call me if late, and has held to that.
He read the chapter on Family Committment yesterday in the His Needs/Her Needs book. We had our first real smiles at each other last night. I'm feeling much better since Tues, and the peace has stayed. I am no longer held by hurt and anger so that is sooooo good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't know what to say for you and your wife, and I'm sorry to see that it has come to that, but it may be a way to find more help.. I hear it is common after internet SF that it can be real difficult for those addicted, to have a normal SF life with a spouse. You may need a specialized therapist. Or maybe you could get some pointers from some men over on the General II thread. There has to be some that have encountered that problem too. Try it and see.

I don't want to see you two depressed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Lady