I somehow managed to miss this post that you made a while ago about my H. My H's poster name is mws1230. He has only made three posts in the past month and a half. You can post to him, and I don't think he would be offended, but I also don't know how often he looks at the MB. If you have any suggestions of how to get him to read what people are saying to him, let me know.

Feeling kind of down today ... our 2 year anniversary is this Tuesday.

cinnymd,

Thanks for the info. I will post to him hopefully later today. Have a sickie child on my hands and gotta go finish some stuff @ work.

I have some stuff to share as do many others here. So let's see what we can do, ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Orchid,

I hope your child feels better. Thank you for your willingness to help. MB has really been a saving grace this past month and a half.

God bless,
Cinny

Well it pays to have a good doctor. Tests were done lickty split and now son is home resting. His fever went quite high 104 but now it is down around 99.

Ok, gotta go do some work stuff but have a few minutes.

First off your H will have to see value in himself, his family and you. Until he does, he will continue to browbeat himself and you with this A. So here are my suggestions:

1. Suggest MC or IC. If he won't go, you go.
Steve H & Jennifer C @ MB do phone counseling which is
very effective.

2. Take the Emotional needs questionnaire located in the concepts section. If he won't do it, you do it once as yourself and once as him.

3. Read Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs. Leave it in a place where he may be able to glance at it.

4. Remember he has to deal with his anger regarding your A. Have him read my 5 stages of grieving thread. U read it also.

5. Don't analyze him.

6. Know that the quicker you work towards recovery, the sooner his anger phase will come and pass. So the fact that he is angry at you means he does not feel the shock or the belittling most of us BS have to endure.

7. This means you are both farther along than most of us here. Good sign, just remember recovery takes longer than the A.

8. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

9. His anger while justified does not mean he s/b abusive. Therefore it is imperative you know your personal boundaries and understand his feelings. Know he w/b frustrated but letting him know you understand may hurt more than help. These w/b rough times for you both and giving him some healing space w/b hard but m/b necessary.

10. Sometimes BS feel a revenge affair is good payback to the Xws. Know he may entertain that thought, don't dare him to do so...... just be on your best behavior. He will want you to suffer some sort of pain at a level he feels is pain vs your level of pain. This will make recovery hard but know it is parr for the course.

11. Regaining his trust will take time. While you want to show your appreciation of his support and good actions, the ILY may be hard to come by. It also maybe hard for him to hear. Do it spariingly at first.

12. Understand how he communicates. The book His Needs/Her Needs will help. Most men are slower at the emotional type of communication. I had to learn to ask my Xws if I could 'ask him a question'. That is how I would approach him on various issues at the beginning. Simple or complex, issues where approached in the same manner. He was heisitant at for a while but in time learned to relax. Most of my questions were not about the A. Let him know when it is ok to ask you what he needs to know. Then wait for him to do so.

13. Don't push his recovery. His mind and heart must be in sync before he can truly recover.

14. Share the above with him.

I did not post directly to him because I am not sure how receptive he would be. Let him know there are more BS here than Xws. So in reality he has more support than you. You are the one putting forth the effort and we would like to help both of you.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

I am glad your son is doing better. It must be nice to have a doctor availabe on Sundays! I want to make sure that I respond to all of your suggestions, and the easiest way for me to do that is to just quote you and then respond. It might make for a long post, but at least it will be thorough!

We went to MC for 9 months, and I have been going to IC since then, although I am not quite sure I completely trust my MC/IC anymore. I have had one appointment with Jennifer C and I think that was the best money I have spent on C yet.

I will be sure to do this, though at this point, I think I will be taking it for both of us.


I have read both of those books, as well as Love Busters. He has read at least part of those two books as well. Since he isn't living here right now, I can't exactly place them somewhere he would see.


I understand that he has a lot of anger in regards to my A, and I wouldn't expect any less. I am willing to help him with this, but he is not willing to let me. I will certainly read your thread, but how do I get him to read it?

I try not to analyze his every word and action, but it is hard. I want everything he does to mean so much more. I am not sure I completely understand 6 and 7. Could you explain those a little more?

This is one of my daily prayers, among many others!

I am giving him plenty of space. He isn't living here and I only see him when he says it is okay. I have not called him on the phone in a few weeks, except regarding our broken air conditioner. Most of my text messages are regarding things like the A/C or finances, as well. He has plenty of space.

He told me that after he found out a year ago, he had that very thought, but that he wouldn't allow himself to do that. He is simply not that kind of man, for which I am very grateful.

What exactly is ILY? I am usually pretty good at deciphering MB code!


I don't want to push, but at the same time, I want to let him know that recovery is what I want. Right now, he doesn't. How can I do this without pushing?

I feel like sharing things that people say to him on MB might be pushing. He doesn't seem to want to hear what people here have to say, because in his mind, their situations are completely different and can't offer any helpful advice, or at least that is what I have gathered from the things he has said. So again, how do I share this with him without pushing?

After reading another post, I finally figured out what ILY was. He tells me that he loves me. He may not be the first to say it, but he has no problem responding when I do. I know that he loves me. But it seems to be the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" thing.

Orchid,

I just filled out the EN questionnaire. I will somehow find a way to get a copy to my H, and a way for him to read my answers.