I posted this letter on Plan A/B forum, but I didn't get much response:

Dear WH,

You must realize the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW. I know, by your actions, that you would like to keep both of us, but I have too much integrity to let that happen.

I am not a perfect wife, to be sure, but no other man has touched me since I pledged myself to you. But, you violated my trust - not once, but repeatedly for all these months. I'm no longer special to you and I can't live with that.

We pledged eternal love and ocmmitment to each other on our wedding day. I have honored my commitment to you and I expect the same from you. Otherwise, there is no marriage to save.

I absolutely will not allow you to hurt me and insult me anymore. You must choose who you will be with, but my terms are absolutely no contact at all, ever, with this other woman again. That is not negotiable in any way.

I will do whatever it takes to work on this marriage, but she has to go once and for all. If you decide you are willing to permanently separate from OW and are willing to recommit yourself to our marriage, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But, I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW.

It is very painful for me knowing that you are with her now. So I need to avoid seeing or talking to you. My sister has agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children. I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. I still love you, but I cannot see you under these conditions.

I want us to rebuild our marriage some day. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. In order to do this, we must seek the guidance of a marriage counselor who can help pull us through this together as a team. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you as long as you are seeing another woman.

God bless you, WH. The kids and I miss you very much.

With my love,

BS



Me - BS, 40
WH, 44
Married 16 years
PA since 11/04
D-day 1/10/05
3 children
DD 8
DS 6
DS 6
Asked WH to leave on 9/6/05

lwar, how long have you been in Plan A? Where is your H?

Also, did you follow through on our advice back in July to expose this affair to your H's family, close friends and the OW's family?

I have been in Plan A since D-day. WH is staying at OW and her mom's apartment. I think that her teenage brother also lives there. WH says he is working on finding a place of his own to stay.

Everyone knows about the affair now.

I have seen and talked to WH a few times since I made him leave on Wednesday. Every time he says he thinks he wants to come home, but still needs more time to know for sure. We argue when we talk because I get angry because he is with her now. So I need to avoid him.

I had an appointment with Steve Harley last Wednesday. He agreed that I should have asked him to move out. I am supposed to deliver the Plan B letter to WH by Monday.

If WH agrees to NC, I am going to insist that we do counseling with Steve H. to get through this.

Your Plan B is full of DJ's. It is best to keep it short and sweet.

lwar, believer is right, the letter is full of disrespectful judgments and anger. He will only use that as fresh ammunition to demonize you and justify his affair. Here is a sample letter and an outline that I really like. I would try to rewrite it without the bitterness, keeping in mind that this is what he will remember you by when you go dark. You want it to be as pleasant as possible, lest you just make the OW look more attractive.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

Iwar,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this painful position!

I just counseled with Steve Harley on Friday about my own Plan B letter. According to him, the central message that you want to give is that you are ending contact NOT AS A PUNISHMENT, but TO PROTECT YOUR LOVE for him to make a new start possible when WS is willing to end contact with the OP completly and forever.

Obviously, we cannot control or influence a WS. We can change our own behavior, though.

How long have you done a Plan A? What changes in yourself and your behavior have you made? Have you done everything in your power to show your WS that there is a welcoming, safe path back home? Are you offering an attractive alternative to the OP?

sorry that I don't know more about your history. I sure do hope that you can keep your family together.

Thank you for your help. I will start over.

Yes, I feel that I have a done a pretty good Plan A. I have really attempted to reconnect with my husband. I have initiated SF more and arranged for us to go on more "dates". I have been more affectionate and talked to him more.

I talked to OW's husband this morning. He is filing for divorce and I almost envied him, because he sounded so relieved to be out of this "square" (instead of triangle). Of course he understands that it's not so easy for me with the children to think about.